Personal AdaptAbility
Feelings, Thoughts, and Behaviors
Earlier in this book, we reference the Change Curve and the importance of this model to navigating change in our lives. As we look specifically at the Micro or Individual level of change, we can further explore each of the six stages and the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we can expect from ourselves and others.
As a reminder, the experience we have in each stage is sequential and predictable. Each of us will go through each stage beginning with Denial and hopefully successfully passing through Discomfort to Discovery, and ultimately into a place of Development and continuous improvement.
At each stage we will experience similar feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. However, we will differ in the intensity and duration of our responses. Individual differences in values, priorities, personality, stress, support systems, and other factors will change how long we spend in each stage (duration) and how powerful each stage is expressed (intensity).
We should never judge people for not moving faster or for expressing themselves in a way that would be different than ourselves. Each person is unique and, although there is a predictability of how we all go through change, we will each experience the same change in different ways.
Always seek to understand
and build trust with those going through major shifts, even if we may not experience the same shift
in the same way.
Stage 1: Denial
When shift happens, our first reaction is that of Denial. We feel threatened and helpless, often in disbelief that circumstances are what they are. Often in this stage we feel a sense of loss and fear, our thoughts are suspicious and cautious, and we don’t want to move forward. We put up walls and experience a natural resistance for the new in favor for what used to be.
In this stage, we often question “why me?” or make statements like “this isn’t fair” or “what have I done to deserve this”. This denial and questioning is normal and a predictable first response to changes we experience.
To most effectively transition through to Stage 2, we can help ourselves by clearly defining the change and evaluate the importance of that change to us. Often shifts will occur and, after a moment of thought, we realize that the change is not nearly as important as we first felt it was. By evaluating whether your fears are real or are fears based on assumptions will help build a sense of safety and help move us to Stage 2.
Stage 2: Doubt
The second stage in the Change Curve is Doubt. We doubt the facts in this stage, and often doubt the doubts we have. In this stage we feel defensive, angry, and often adversarial. We fail to ask questions and tend to see things from only our single perspective.
When challenged, we defend our position and have a me versus them mentality. Our feelings are focused on the past and show resentment to having to make shift, our thoughts are cynical and skeptical, and our overall behaviors are resistant and obstinate.
In this stage we often think to ourselves that the shift makes no sense and that there is no way that this change could be in your best interest. Often, we refer to the change as happening TO us and look for anyone or anything we can blame in the situation.
To most effectively transition through to Stage 3, we need create engagement for ourselves and others. To most effectively transition to Stage 4, our greatest ally is information. It is okay to hold a position or ideal, if we are willing to listen and evaluate additional information.
In this stage, we often lose sight of the big picture and need to ask good questions to gain an accurate picture of the situation. Being proactive, respectful, and using our intense feelings to be probing and insistent on getting the facts will help resolve our questions and doubts. Ultimately, to transition into Stage 3, we need to reframe the shift to one we can logically understand, even if we don’t agree with it.
Stage 3: Discomfort
The third stage in the Change Curve is Discomfort. Reaching stage 3, we begin to feel the weight of the shift we are experiencing. We have come to terms that the change is happening, and even understand the change, but feel overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, and even uncaring about the situation.
We struggle with being non-participative and unorganized, often feeling we are going around in circles and not accomplishing anything. Our overall behaviors are unproductive and inconsistent.
In this stage we often are frustrated and want to give up. We think that anything else would be better than the situation we are going through. We let thoughts like “who cares?”, “this is hopeless”, or “this will never work.” dominate our mind and cause us further confusion.
To most effectively transition through to Stage 4, we need to take action. This may be mental action like creating a gratitude list of what you are thankful for in the shift, or creating a list of the pros and cons of the change. It is important that we focus on the future state of the situation rather than commiserate in what we are leaving behind.
This stage is, in my opinion, the most critical in moving from a just survive mindset to one of even thrive mindset. The choice is one of action – doing something that will help move you forward – mentally, emotionally, even physically. I have been involved in changes where the only thing I could do was take a walk to clear my mind and reconnect to what I could do in the moment to move myself forward.
We are holistic beings, meaning that everything in our lives impacts everything else in our lives. As such, taking time for fun, or exercise, or organizing in other areas of our lives will have a positive impact on the change we are experiencing. Positive and purposeful distractions can have a ripple effect and re-engage our hearts, minds and hearts – better preparing us for re-engaging the change and transitioning to the next stage on the Change Curve.
Ultimately, the gap between Stage 3, Discomfort, and Stage 4, Decision, is the direction we are facing. If we are focused on the past, on what was and a refusal to let go, we will get stuck in Discomfort. In fact, we may begin a cycle that revisits Denial and Doubt. I call this cycle the Wallow Waltz. Denial, Doubt, Discomfort… Denial, Doubt, Discomfort… (imagine Waltz music playing as you read those three words aloud).
However, we have a choice. If we choose to look forward, to what could be, to what may be, to the positive impacts of the shift, we propel ourselves into the next stage and exit the trap of the Wallow Waltz. By focusing on the NEXT, we cross the hurdle and begin to thrive in the shift rather than just survive it.
Stage 4: Decision
The fourth stage in the Change Curve is Decision. If getting out of Stage 3 is all about Action, then moving through Stage 4 is about making empowering decisions. Having just moved beyond the past and focused on the future, we are excited and anticipating what lays ahead on our journey. Our thoughts are creative and ideas are free-flowing. We have energy and yet, so many options to choose from!
In this stage we often find ourselves being indecisive, puzzled, confused, and contradicting ourselves. We see other points of view so much clearer and are ready to take the next steps. We have options to consider and are anxious to make moves that will maximize the success of the change we are experiencing.
To most effectively transition through to Stage 5, we need to be open to the ideas of others. Using a method like Rational Decision Making will help guide our decisions to take into consideration facts and data over the excitement we will be feeling at this stage.
As we move through Stage 4 and into Stage 5, we need to practice perspective. Keeping in mind that, although we are heading full speed into Discovery, there are others that are still working through the earlier stages of the Change Curve and will need our encouragement and support.
Stage 5: Discovery
The fifth stage in the Change Curve is Discovery. Reaching this stage is a reason to celebrate! It is here that we understand the change in such a way that we acknowledge the benefits and desire the successful completion of the change.
In this stage we often wonder why others are complaining or dragging their feet. Don’t they understand how this shift is better than the status quo? We have effectively embraced the change, possibly at the risk of becoming insensitive and impatient with those that have not.
This stage seems to me like when we get the cold or flu. When we are going through the discomfort of a runny nose, sore throat, body aches, coughing, and fever, we believe our lives are ending! We curl up on the sofa with a blanket, and if we are lucky, someone else makes us soup and puts on our favorite movie so we can fully rest. After time off work, and feeling well again, we return to our normal routine. However, if someone we know “falls ill”, we tend to dismiss their discomfort and tell them to “suck it up” and “push through”. Once we have moved into Discovery, we often forget how it felt to be in denial, doubt, and discomfort.
To most effectively transition through to the final stage of Development, we need to acknowledge that progress is being made and encourage those that are still on their way to Discovery. It is in Discovery that we need to celebrate the quick wins, maintain momentum, be approachable, patient, and never forget to give credit to those that have earned it.
Finishing strong is a mindset that we need to challenge ourselves to maintain. We don’t want to fizzle out only a few feet from the finish line!
Stage 6: Development
The sixth stage and final stage in the Change Curve is Development. Here we realize the full impact of the shift. What was NEXT becomes the NEW NOW. There is a feeling of satisfaction and a desire to focus on maximizing the NEW NOW to gain the full benefits of the shift we have experienced. It is in this stage that we transition from experiencing the change, to ideally, becoming a mentor, coach, or leader to others that are still within the Change Curve.
In this stage we may risk becoming seen as pretentious or even arrogant in that we “know it all”, we have “been there, done that”, and have “moved on” from that project or initiative. This is a recipe for failure.
Every shift requires further fine-tuning, maintenance, and ongoing development. It is here that we enter into the practice of continuous improvement.
It is similar to having purchased a new piece of furniture from IKEA. Let’s make it a desk. You have cleared out the old space and evaluated what you will keep and what will be discarded or recycled. You have taken the time and energy to unpack all the pieces, and with some effort, successfully built your shiny new desk. It looks perfect!
However, if you don’t maintain the desk by dusting or keeping your workspace organized, your desk could possibly become an eyesore or, even a place where all other things in the house go to rest. To fully experience the benefits of having the new desk, we must focus on keeping it maintained and sustain its functionality as a desk (versus a laundry pile).
From Discomfort to Discovery
As mentioned earlier, I believe the most critical point of the Change Curve is the gap between Discomfort and Discovery. Between them we find the Stage of Decision.
It bears enough importance to summarize what we shared earlier about this critical point in the Change Curve:
Avoid the Wallow Waltz:
Denial, Doubt Discomfort (repeat).
If we choose to look forward,
to what could be, to what may be,
to the positive impacts of the shift,
we propel ourselves to the next stage: DISCOVERY!
By focusing on the NEXT, we cross the hurdle and begin to thrive in the shift rather than just survive it.
Let’s take a moment to discuss the idea of Fear – a significant component, and primary cause of, the Wallow Waltz. There are three types of fear we need to be aware of:
- Future-based Fears are based on not knowing what the future holds. A core desire of humans is stability, and any shift in our lives can cause us to fear the unknown. We like things to stay the same. We get comfortable in what we know. We get into patterns of behavior that give us confidence. We buy brands that make us feel content. When shift happens, we then experience the stages of the Change Curve. Sometimes something as simple as our preferred deodorant being discontinued can launch us into denial, doubt, and discomfort.
- Past-based Fears are based on attributing a current shift or change with the experiences of a past shift or change, often with negative impact. Studies have been conducted on the impact of psychological scarring on the abilities to effectively adapt to new shifts or changes in our lives. For example, if you were forced to move on a regular basis as a child, and those moves resulted in the loss of friendships and feelings of being alienated and alone, the opportunity to move your family to a new location to accept a promotion may trigger fears that seem irrational to others, but are real for you because of experiences in the past.
- Identify-based Fears are based on how we see ourselves, our worth, and our value. So often we compare ourselves with others, change our behaviors because of others’ expectations, and give up on our passions and giftedness because we feel they are insignificant or irrelevant. These behaviors are based on a fear that you aren’t enough… good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough, wealthy enough, or so many other lies that we have been led to believe.
Be encouraged! You are a unique individual and you have value and worth because you draw breath!
- You have immeasurable greatness, gifts and talents, choices and potential to fully experience all that is already within you. If you don’t believe me, ask those that love you and support you – for your identity and self are not to be feared, but to be celebrated and embraced!
In opposition to these fears, we can instead embrace the three following strengths as we seek to move from Discomfort to Discovery:
- Curiosity – The value of wonder is often undervalued in our change efforts. We experience fear and assume that it is real. We perceive a situation and immediately make judgement on what is and is not happening. Often, we find that, when presented with new data, we were incorrect in our interpretation. The phrase “I wonder…” has such far reaching impacts. It places us in a position to receive rather than reflect. It brings us to a place of willingness to understand instead of just being understood. And it moves us beyond our own viewpoint to see a bigger and more wonder-full experience.
- Courage – Research by Dr. Brene Brown on shame and guilt shows that the single difference between those that experience love and belonging (group A) and those that do not experience love and belonging (group B), is that those in group A have a BELIEF that they are WORTHY of love and belonging. They have the courage to see beyond their fears (be they future, past, or identity) and choose instead to dare greatly. If this paragraph “hits you hard”, then I encourage you to Google Brene Brown and view her TED Talks. Personally, she has played a transformational role in my life, specifically in the area of identity-based fears.
- Compassion – Being wrong is being human. In each of our memories there is a moment we remember making a massive mistake. We blew it. We missed the mark. Unfortunately, when we experience failure, we often trigger fear. In fact, some of you had a small panic attack when that failure came to mind! We remember how others handled the situation, what we felt about ourselves, and the impact our error had on others.
It is in these moments that we must choose to show ourselves compassion.
Not a single person on this Earth is perfect.
- And although it is a wonderful ideal to pursue, the shame and guilt of not measuring up to our own expectations is often disheartening. In showing ourselves compassion, we also unlock another strength - when we show compassion to ourselves, we increase our ability to show compassion to others! If we are to be leaders of change, having compassion for others will be a critical strength as we support others through the Change Curve.
Moving from Discomfort to Discovery is ultimately a choice. Will we be curious and seek to find the best in what the shift can offer? Will we have the courage to embrace the new opportunities or seek safety in the status quo? Will we face the reality that change isn’t always fun, and choose to show compassion to ourselves and others as we experience the challenges of change.
While researching for this chapter, I saw the following saying and found it to be quite fitting:
To FEAR is to:
Forget Everything And Run
or Face Everything And RISE
either way, it is your CHOICE.
Transitioning from Discomfort to Discovery is making a choice to break through instead of shutting down. At the beginning of this book I referred to the ABC’s of Development. As we build Awareness and understand the Behaviors associated with building AdaptAbility at the individual level, it is ultimately up to us to Choose how we will respond when shift happens.
Become a Change Champion
Having completed the Change Curve, we can embrace the opportunity to give back to those that have not yet reached Discovery. It is when we reach the conclusion of the Change Curve that we have another choice to make. Will we simply move on, or will we give back? If we have survived cancer, will we volunteer to mentor the newly diagnosed patient? If we have overcome adversity and addiction, will we reach out and support those that continue to struggle with their own?
Again, we discuss the ABC’s of Development. Having reached this final stage, we are now Aware of the toll that shifts have on our well-being. Having reached this final stage, we understand the Behaviors and how we can best support and influence moving through the Change Curve. Having reached this final stage, we also have a Choice. Will we choose to simply move on, or will we choose to use our experience to make a difference in the lives of others?
This is our ultimate choice, and an opportunity to become someone’s Change Champion! You don’t need a degree or formal education to qualify for this role. You don’t need to have years of experience on your resume to be effective. To be a Change Champion, you need to first want to be a Change Champion.
With that accomplished, the best Shift Leaders demonstrate the following behaviors:
Ability to build relationships (RelateAbility)
Desire to represent the needs and interests of others
Seeks to understand others before having to be understood
Clarity and transparency in their communication
Willingness to learn new things and embrace new ideas
Effective in planning and following through on commitments made
Passionate about making a difference, always for the better
Whether the shift is being experienced by an individual, team, or organization, we need Change Champions! They advocate for others best interest, communicate an empowering vision, help provide oversight and insight to those experiencing the change, and help drive focus and accountability to experience successful shifts.