1. Play more. Start to see play as part of your growth, rather than as a reward. Integrate play in your life. You might have to set aside time in your calendar! Take breaks, relax, laugh, and open up to following your desires—go for walks; be in nature; or pursue hobbies, sports, or other enjoyable activities. Even if you choose challenging activities—hiking, for example—resist the need to establish the right way to hike.

2. Accept that there is more than one right way. Notice when you control for rightness and pay as much attention to others’ viewpoints as to your own. Understand that everyone is on a different growth path, that they have varying maturity levels, and that people will never see everything the way you do, even if your viewpoint is truly enlightened. Notice any anger and irritation that show up for you. Don’t act or speak out too strongly. Rather, state your opinion, if you must, but accept that it is your viewpoint, not the viewpoint.

3. Be human. You aren’t perfect and aren’t meant to be. Stop measuring yourself against unrealistic, overly idealistic standards. Pay more attention to what you need and want—not what you imagine or think should be. Make a daily list of what you want. Include small items, such as going for a walk or eating a particular sandwich or attending an event. Act on your desires, rather than feeling you have to earn them.

4. Be positive. Don’t trust that your inner critic is on your side. Don’t obey it as your guide. Instead of berating yourself for what you did or imagined was wrong, think more about what is positive, what you did right, and what worked out, however imperfectly. Think more about affirmations, rather than complaints. Throughout the day, examine your thoughts, have a positive vision, and focus them on what is working.

5. Be open to pleasure. Learn to see pleasure as part of life, not a reward. Open to any anxiety around gratification and relax around the fear. Have a good time, enjoy the five senses, and do activities you like. If you fear you’ll go out of control, trust yourself that you can set limits. Sometimes you need to go out of control. Add music to your reading of e-mails, do a creative project, go on a pleasure cruise, savor exotic food, or attend a special entertainment. Spend at least 30 minutes a day focused on pleasurable or sensual activities.

6. Relax. The focus on doing everything right often makes you tight and rigid. Notice the tightening, when your perfectionist bent is in control. Breathe, release, and lightly scan your body. Relax what is tight! Anger, frustration, and irritation need to be released. Have some down time, chill out, drop those shoulders, and soften the upward lift of your jaw and forehead. Massage your hands and feet and head and ask someone for a back rub. Check in on yourself throughout the day and relax physically, mentally, and emotionally.

7. Let go of being so serious. Be silly. Laugh at yourself. Laugh with others. If it’s not perfect, laugh, rather than scowl. See the humor in the complexity of life.

8. Grow less. Most people need to grow more, but not you. You improve yourself as a way of life, so allow yourself to be, rather than trying to change to be better. Change happens best with a relaxed attitude and an acceptance of what is happening now. Improvement means something is wrong, but maybe nothing is!

1. Let go of over-giving. What are your own needs behind the giving? Do you want to be caretaker, instead of allowing others to take care of themselves? Ask permission to help. Let others ask and then give in a limited way. If possible, teach others to do for themselves.

2. Identify your needs. Admit you are needy sometimes! We all have needs. Make a list of every need and desire you can think of. Study each one and resolve to feel good about it. How can you meet that need? Ask for what you want. If you notice you have shame around any needs, allow those feelings to be and relax around them. Don’t blame others, if they don’t instantly give to you.

3. Spend time with yourself. You are a special individual. Get to know yourself. Make sure you spend some time alone each day. Give to yourself. Take yourself to the movies. Sing to yourself. Get to know your preferences. Spend time doing some creative art project. Bring your mind back to you, when it focuses too much on others.

4. Be more receptive. You don’t have to give to receive. Giving and receiving happen naturally. You have to be receptive, in order for others to give to you! Sometimes you feel embarrassed with too much attention. Relax and feel the joy or good feelings of others’ appreciation and gifts.

5. Let go of territory. You can be quite territorial. “This is my person to give to and receive from.” Be in control of yourself and not others! You don’t have exclusive rights in the gifting area, so don’t see others as a threat. If you control or cling too much, you might lose the very thing you want to keep. Talk to people, if you feel this is happening. Allow in some uncomfortable feelings.

6. Watch out for seduction. It’s actually a compliment. You are pleasing and attractive, and you might get what you want but ultimately be displeased by it. Seduction can be emotional, romantic, or sexual. Make sure you want the attention you are seeking. Observe your tendencies to please and see how you get people wanting you. Sometimes you create expectations from others and get in deeper than you want. Don’t promise more than you can give, or you’ll feel you’ll have to deliver.

7. Say no. You say yes easily but can have a hard time saying no. Practice saying it a few times each day. Don’t just imply it—do a straight-up No! Implications cause confusion. Be direct. Agree to do what you can, as you can, and refuse to do more than that. It won’t mean others will stop relating to you.

8. Know that no one owes you. You can create unconscious contracts, thinking that others will pay up later. Be careful with these fantasies. Don’t give past the point of no return. If you feel others owe you, notice how you set this up and perhaps talk about it. Give in more limited ways, so that if others don’t give back, you’re okay. Be aware of your conscious or unconscious expectations. Keep a journal about it.

1. Think about what you want before you act. Even if you can do this project, do you really want to? Do you want to enter this profession? Do you want to be successful in this venue? Think about you as much as the success, money, or prestige. Make a list of your values and then take on projects aligned with them.

2. Don’t be afraid to fail. Failure is a learning process that helps you be more successful the next time you try something new. Are you afraid others will reject you? Your true friends will stand by you, regardless of the outcome. Do you avoid starting projects for fear you may fail at them? Follow what feels right, and you will learn whatever there is to learn from the experience. Make a list of times you failed and how you grew as a result.

3. Let go of image. What? Impossible? No, necessary! Your image is not who you are, but it can protect you from seeing who you are. You are more than the image you project. Develop those inner qualities of honesty, patience, and kindness. Make a list of qualities you want to develop.

4. Don’t become a workaholic. There’s nothing wrong with working, but are you so obsessed with work that nothing else is happening? Are you making or supporting others to be workaholics? Examine if this is an addiction of sorts, and see if it’s worth it. Look at other ways to be successful. Are you putting time into personal relationships? Personal interests? Be careful that the winning and achieving drive hasn’t taken you over!

5. Reframe your thinking so that cooperation fits into your definition of winning. Do you have to be the star, or can you be a team player as well? Do you think others won’t admire you if you aren’t winning? Do others compete with you or reject you, because you always have to win? Do you compete unnecessarily? Think about ways you can cooperate and still win. Let others be stars, too.

6. Examine what you want and make sure it’s worth the effort. Have to have the best? Do you drive a Lexus or BMW for prestige? Wear designer clothes? Have a fancy house? There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s just that you might drive yourself too much, thinking you have to have the symbols of success. Focus more on enjoying what you have, rather than pursuing symbolic value.

7. Find your balance. Stressed to the max? If you enjoy the hard work and drive, great. What do you do to relieve stress? Make sure to exercise, take a few breaks, and have hobbies or activities that allow you to relax and “de-stress.” If you thrive on overdrive, you might be driving some folks away.

8. Make a to-be list. Besides the goals on your to-do list, include experiencing feelings—sadness, fear, anger, insecurity, joy, comfort, peace. Just tap into them and be with them for a bit. Listen to what is happening inside, as well as outside. Items on your to-be list might include going for a walk, reading a book, smelling the flowers ...

1. Stay neutral—be objective. It’s terribly hard to be rational and not go to extremes, if you’re a 4. When you are hurting, your thinking and surges of feelings are telling you it’s the end, that everything is falling apart, and that you’ll be abandoned. But hold steady. Things may not be as bad as they seem. Remember, you are not alone. Everyone experiences the fear of loss. Stay calm by focusing on your breathing, get some objective feedback, and take care of yourself. Be in your body and slow down. Don’t catastrophize. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.

2. Focus on the positive. The good often attracts more good. That may sound superficial, but it’s helpful. In your mind and also on paper and in talking with friends, focus on what is working and good. Realize that a good outcome can come from a seemingly bad situation. Don’t make it worse by focusing on what isn’t working. Work at being objective. See what is true: the good, along with the bad and the ugly.

3. Don’t exaggerate. From your lens, you’re not exaggerating. You are feeling what you feel and it’s intense. Highs and lows swing back and forth. Doubt your feelings at times—they may be more intense than what’s happening in reality. If you are starting to amplify your feelings or personal story, catch yourself. Don’t seek out extra attention by making your feelings much bigger than they are.

4. Love yourself. You want to be loved by a special other. At least partially be that special other. Love and value your emotions, your love for aesthetics and creativity. Lessen your demand that others love you. Nobody can take care of all the pain or loss now or from your childhood. Don’t put that burden on others. Make a list of all your valuable qualities; all that’s working and what you can provide to yourself. See yourself as special and unique, without needing others to do that for you. You’re the only one on call 24 hours a day to be with you!

5. Listen to others. You do listen and are often highly empathic, particularly if someone has an intense decision or dilemma, but you sometimes become bored by those whose lives are mundane. Listen to others as much as you want to be listened to, and you will have the adoration you seek. Be careful to not repeat your story endlessly or demand unequal attention, or your friends may tire. Check in with them, on occasion, to catch this tendency.

6. Create, create, create. It’s especially important to be creative—draw, paint, sculpt, sing, dance, write poetry or stories, animation, or film. You are meant to create and need avenues for expressing your inner self and desires onto the world. If not, you will implode and become too lost in your inner intensity. Go to art openings, galley shows, avant-garde theaters, and the like!

7. Get involved in social causes. It’s another way to move outside yourself. Be involved in animal welfare, social politics, global warming issues, vegetarianism, or whatever is real for you. It’s wonderful to be with others who have similar concerns. Volunteer for Earth Day, hospice, or a women’s shelter.

8. Be friends with other 4s. Only 4s can really understand the world of 4. Other 4s will appreciate your intensity and depth. Don’t compete for attention, though. You can take turns. You can attend special events together, share your art, cry your eyes out, talk about life and death, show your passion, and go as deep as you want.

1. Be more intense on the outside. You tend to hold everything in and you speak in a neutral tone. Move away from fear and amplify your voice; show some emotion. You often feel more than you are expressing. Don’t always keep your feelings in your head. Tell those special to you how much they mean to you. If you’re upset, show it!

2. Make some small talk. You hate small talk, but if you want to connect with people, at times it’s necessary. You can’t always be learning something new and deep. You don’t have to tolerate conversations about nails or hairstyles or this week’s football scores for eternity; you can change the subject or ask for some more interesting information about nails and hairstyles and football, or just hang in there until the conversation changes to something more substantial. Talk more about what happened at the office, what you are thinking, what you had for lunch, and your next trip. Believe it or not, some people want to hear it!

3. Feel your emotions as well as analyze them. Sometimes it’s just not possible for understanding to come first. You have to feel the emotions of sadness and fear and pain and anger and joy, before you can understand them. Ride with emotional surges and conflicting desires and allow the understanding to come after. Keep a journal about your feelings. You’ll be more compassionate with others who focus on feeling!

4. Be goofy, wild, silly. It’s not that you aren’t funny. You have a marvelous, dry sense of humor but can be overly serious in your heady pursuits. Do stand-up comedy, laugh at silly child stuff, spend time with children. Allow your desires and body to guide you more.

5. Learn from doing, as much as from reading or thinking. It’s valuable to learn by diving into an experience and knowing you won’t be perfect at it. Jump in without knowing what you are doing, and give yourself permission to fall down if this happens. Let yourself be uncomfortable for a while. Don’t think before you leap! If you want to learn to canoe, read a book or take a lesson or just rent a canoe and canoe. You’re good at learning.

6. Be in your body. Sometimes you forget you have a body. Do physical activities or try sports. Typically, you favor individual sports, such as biking, or dual ones, such as tennis, but try a team sport, too—softball, kickball, volleyball. Try out different forms of physical expression—acting improvisation, yoga, or contact improvisation (a type of freestyle dance). Be more animated in your talk. People often misread you, because your hands or facial expressions don’t correspond with your words. Watch an Italian film to get the hands and face moving!

7. Go for love. You heard right. You tend to spend a great amount of time alone. No need to change that, if it’s working, but also allow yourself to enter the fray of relationships—attachment, belonging, risk-taking, pursuit, rejection. It’s fun and painful and wonderful and confusing and exhilarating. Cry and laugh. You can only learn by doing. Date, be in a relationship, propose, sing, dance, and do the weird things that people do when they’re seeking love or in love!

8. Go for knowledge outside of knowledge. Open up to the many ways of learning and wisdom—physical, emotional, spiritual, intuitive. Don’t use just your mind to learn. Use music, theater, and mime to express parts of yourself that live outside rational frames.

1. Trust yourself. People don’t always have answers for you, and that includes authority figures. Listen to your own desires and intuition. Gather the research and believe in your own ability to make decisions. Learn from those who have experience, but don’t look to them as having all the answers.

2. Don’t look for trouble where none exists. You tend to be on the lookout for safety and security concerns, but when all is running smoothly, don’t look over your shoulder for problems. Trust that you can enjoy the quiet, comfortable, or fun periods with nothing dangling over your head.

3. Question if your fear is real. You can be confused, because adrenaline still kicks in, even when dangers are only imagined. Get feedback from others about what is real to them. Of course, trust your intuition and evidence, but don’t assume you always understand others’ motivations or intentions. Don’t jump to conclusions. Think the best, as well as the worst.

4. Ask fewer questions and reveal more. Yes, you heard it right. That’s hard to do, as you tend to ask a million questions to gather as much information as possible to be prepared for all eventualities. Sometimes this is hard on others, and they feel barraged by probes or questions that ask too much. Reveal as much about yourself as you want others to reveal about themselves! Put your cards on the table. Answer questions and talk about yourself before you question.

5. Assume the best. Let’s up the ante. Look for the best in every situation or at least in the part that is good. Don’t throw out the whole thing because of a few flaws. Enjoy people for what they can be and don’t expect the impossible.

6. Make decisions. Sometimes you wait until forever to make decisions, because you feel sure, then unsure, then sure, then unsure. Decide! Some doubt and insecurity are normal. You will seldom be 100 percent sure about anything. Learn as you go and correct along the way. Let go of some of the what-ifs. Catch yourself each time you use that language.

7. Let go of the past. You can hang on to past mistrusts of others. If someone apologizes and learns a lesson, let it go. The past is gone. Learn from it, but don’t dwell on it. Choose more wisely in the future, if necessary. We all make mistakes. Everyone, including you, sometimes lies or withholds. Be more forgiving. Look at what does work and have a full memory for everything, not just the bad.

8. Release anxiety. You need to let go of some of your anxiety. It’s stressful to overly plan, over prepare, and imagine the worst. Do some relaxation techniques, such as breathing, visualization, yoga, meditation, or exercise. Take up some hobbies and get back into your body when your head is working overtime. Do some creative activities or use your head to figure out puzzles or word games.

1. Go deeper. Depth is as important as breadth. Many of you are deeper than the 7 stereotype of riding the surface of life. Enjoy all the variety and fun but don’t jump too quickly to something new. Stay the course, even during moments of boredom or crisis, delving deeper into problems, and valuing learning and experiencing over a long period of time. Stick with skill development and relationships that are trying, but rewarding.

2. Have fun but don’t avoid pain. Pain is nothing you have to search for. It will find you and often has some important lesson to teach. Maybe you need to learn something, slow down, choose more wisely, or just experience growth. Not everything can be fun or entertaining, though much is. Don’t go to the next stimulating activity just to feel good and avoid when you feel bad. Feel your fear and your sadness. Self-ref lect, get some help, and allow in all experience as valuable. Don’t worry. You’ll find a way to make difficulty a learning or fun experience!

3. Be patient. You can be impulsive and it can get you in trouble. Think about consequences before you act. Slow down and see the whole picture. Don’t go for the immediate high if, in the long run, it will be a low. Good things sometimes come in slow packages. Learn to wait, meditate, and go with the flow, as well as make the flow happen.

4. Stay focused on what’s at hand. You tend to get distracted, starting a conversation and easily moving off onto tangents. Stick with the topic until it’s run its natural course.

5. Complete projects. You often start things—the fun part—and don’t necessarily complete them. Ride out the rough times and tough times and finish what feels important. Everything has highs and lows. Not everything can be new and interesting. Repetition and tedium are the norm, and for sure, things will get fun and exciting again. If worse comes to worst, hire someone to do what’s more than you can handle.

6. Accept that there is bad in the world. Being the eternal optimist that you are has advantages, but there truly is corruption, people out to hurt others, deceit, and greed that you sometimes don’t want to see. Face the reality of this, and don’t put a positive spin on everything or avoid what’s real. There are plenty of good-thinking and positive-sounding people who are crooks, thieves, and vagabonds.

7. Know that positive thinking isn’t enough. Positive ideas and affirmations don’t cure everything. You can affirm yourself from here to eternity, but if someone is starving, that person needs to eat, more than he needs to think positively. Positive thinking sometimes can be an avoidance of doing the nitty-gritty details. It’s not the positive thinking that’s the problem. It’s thinking that thoughts alone are enough. Action, motivated by thoughts, is needed. Generally you do both, but don’t give thoughts without offering practical answers.

8. Listen to difficulties and open your heart to the pain of others. Sometimes people need empathy more than quick solutions or good ideas. Listening is powerful in and of itself. Have empathy for the complex struggles of others and let your answers come from deep within. Evaluate yourself on listening skills and set goals to increase listening to problems without overly fixing.

1. Be powerful but gentle. You are powerful and a model for directness and action. Sometimes, though, you come on too strongly and scare people away. Be gentler in your strength. Slow down, lower your voice, and connect to where others are—not just where you want them to be. Have compassion for their process—not what you think they should do. Get feedback from others as to how they experience you. Learn if you are balancing your strong presence with gentleness.

2. See others as different. Of course you notice differences, but you tend to think others should think and act as you do. You sometimes think others are an extension of yourself, and they aren’t. Everyone is an individual with a very different life process. You don’t have all the answers for how others or the world should be. Check with people to see if they feel you are relating to them personally or are being controlling and simplistic in your responses. Let go when you are trying to control.

3. Don’t overdo. You tend to eat, drink, and be merry; overworking, overplaying, overextending yourself. Find the right balance for you. Notice tendencies to not get enough sleep or have too much pleasure, with consequences that might not be worth it. Keep a log of your activities and set some limits for yourself. It’s good to know your limits.

4. Be sensitive to others. You love honesty and say or blurt out what you think. Honesty needs to be tempered with sensitivity. Comments need to be measured for consequences. Statements that poke fun at or highlight weaknesses, hurt people. Apologize. People will avoid you if they perceive you as too gruff for their taste.

5. Show your vulnerable side. You aren’t as tough as you seem. The more you show some of your insecurity, fear, doubt, weakness, and vulnerability, the more others will trust you. Others will feel safer with you, when you aren’t so overly confident and cocky. Most people will accept you more and know you’ve been afraid to expose your softer side. Think of times when you have done this and people accepted you. Vow to do this even more, in the right circumstances.

6. Be a follower. You are a natural leader, but don’t feel you have to take charge every time. Just let the process unfold. Others may need to lead in their own style and you might take that opportunity away if you take over too quickly. Be part of the gang, without having to lead it. Offer some advice, but don’t think you’re always right. Be more in the middle and less dominant when necessity isn’t calling you to be in charge.

7. Live and let live. You generally let go easily. You express what you express and it’s gone. But if you feel others have betrayed you, you may go for revenge and make some enemies. Understand that people may be going with their preferences, more than they are betraying you. When this is the case, let it go.

8. Temper your anger. You tend to express anger easily. Realize that your anger might be masking other feelings—hurt, fear, pain, sadness. Be in touch with that softer and more vulnerable side. You are as sweet as you are tough, so let that side of you show more. If people remember your quick anger, they may hold back from showing you parts of themselves, to your loss. Don’t expect others to be as direct as you can be. It’s just not in their nature. Ask others how they feel about your anger. Risk sharing what’s behind it.

1. Be more assertive. You let people run roughshod over you and tend to go along to get along way too much. Some people will take as much as they can get if you don’t speak up, define your terms, or say no. Take an assertiveness class and practice speaking up. People will often feel more comfortable with you when you can define who you are.

2. Clarify what you want. You tend to stay a bit foggy about what you want and what your goals are. Think about that and state what you want clearly and directly. If you are vague, others will relate vaguely to you. Set goals and don’t get distracted by secondary motivations. Don’t clean up the tool shed to avoid talking to someone. Talk, then organize the tool shed as a reward!

3. Go into action. You tend to think about what you want and then dismiss it. Sometimes you don’t clarify, because you are afraid to go into action. Things don’t get done, unless you do them. Make the call to find out the information. Find out when the check is supposed to arrive. Make no assumptions. Talk to the person in charge. Don’t procrastinate. Usually, the task you need to do is easier than your imagination thinks it will be. Make a to-do list right now and do the first task on that list!

4. Focus on reality rather than imagination. You tend to be in your imagination, hoping, wishing things were different. Pay attention to what is happening and don’t go into some wish fulfillment of what might happen. When you express what you want and work toward having it, you find out what is real. You tend to hope something positive will happen, but it won’t, if you don’t go into gear. Get to first base to get into the game.

5. Let go of comfort. You love comfort, the known, certain traditions. That’s nice, but things change, and there are new challenges. Stay abreast of what is current and live in the now, not the distant or recent past. Let it go, as you tend to hold onto it. Enjoy your comforts—food, your favorite TV show, comfortable clothes, your hot toddy, but be open to new comforts. Adjust and make changes to the changing world. Make a list of the changes you need to respond to.

6. Redefine yourself as nice, but also tough. It’s great to be the sweet, kind, nice person you are, but unfortunately it doesn’t always work to your advantage. Understand there is aggression in the world and you must respond in some way. Fight for justice and speak out. Be a protestor and confront situations that are against your values.

7. Accept your anger and face conflict. You tend to avoid conflict at all costs, but conflict is natural and can help in personal development. The more you clearly define yourself, the less conflict you may have with others. People get more upset with you when you are unclear, indirect, and angry under the surface. Accept anger as a natural emotion that helps define how you feel, what you want, and what you won’t put up with. Be your true self, not your pacifying self, and you’ll feel more whole. What do you need to face today?

8. Be peaceful in a world of war. It’s fine to be peaceful, and you are an ambassador for unity, caring, acceptance, and love. You have to be that, though, in the world as it is. Do your part to make the world peaceful. Be a mediator and help others with tools to deal with differences and conflict. Generally, you accept differences easily but also need to accept that many people are self-centered, rather than other-centered. It is just as valid to be self-oriented, and you need to be more that way. See your own ego and accept it!