CHAPTER FOUR

INTERPERSONAL MASTERY

Leading through Synergy and Service

Martin was an incredibly gifted executive; his talent and intelligence were apparent in everything he did. At early stages of his career, his cognitive skills helped him excel in many challenging assignments. As his achievements advanced, Martin started to believe “his press” and internalized the belief that “he was the person who made things happen at this organization.” He began to lose touch with the synergy that was supporting his accomplishments. He thought he was the prime mover, and in reality his teams were the ones creating and supporting his achievements. Gradually his relationships and team dynamics became strained, and he couldn’t understand why.

To help Martin break through his self-limiting view, we asked him to outline each key event in his life over the past few years, focusing on the people who made each event possible. It didn’t take him long to recognize the web of interdependence that was supporting his success. He became aware of initiatives for which he had taken credit and for which he now needed to acknowledge others. He was beginning to bridge personal power with synergy power to enhance broader contribution.

Marijn Dekkers, Chairman of Unilever, shared this wise counsel with me on developing highly driven leaders: “If you think that you are the primary reason for your company’s success, think again. If after this second consideration, you still think you are the hero in this story, then get a coach.”

Studies validate precisely what we’ve seen while assessing and developing leaders over the past thirty years—leaders must expand their competencies from simply getting results to adding value through collaboration. The Hay Group’s research on engagement has demonstrated noteworthy results. Companies with highly engaged employees have 2.5 times the revenue growth of organizations with moderate to low engagement.

In their book, The Extraordinary Leader, John Zenger and Joseph Folkman reported research findings, based on 400,000 360° assessments, which show that the most successful leaders possess multiple strengths, or “powerful combinations” of competencies. They found that of those leaders with elevated competencies in both Results Drive and Interpersonal Connection, 67 percent were in the ninetieth percentile for leadership effectiveness. However, in the group of leaders who had only high Results Drive, only 13 percent were in the ninetieth percentile for leadership effectiveness. These dramatic statistics point us to the following equation: results competencies plus interpersonal competencies equals top leadership performance.

TWO PRINCIPAL STREAMS OF LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

The mounting research illustrates what we find in the trenches with our clients. There appear to be two main streams of development in leadership. Both approaches can get results. One of these leadership approaches is extremely hard-driving and forceful, with a strong sense of personal power—in short, an “I” leader who gets results. These leaders have no problem asserting their power of voice, even at the expense of morale, at times. This heroic type of leader needs to become more collaborative and relational to bring results to the next level. At times, this kind of hard-driving leadership takes its toll on others. Employees become worn out and drained. They question their purpose and whether or not the money is worth it. This type of leader needs to be more receptive and to develop more authentic connections and greater performance.

The other leadership approach is more interpersonally connected. These leaders are strongly collaborative and synergistic, and their power of connection (“We”) is so strong that they may not appropriately put forth enough of their own power of voice (“I”) when required. These leaders need to become more forceful and courageous in expressing their authentic influence to create heightened engagement.

In organizations, there is an underground debate, or what might be called a cultural battle, going on between proponents of one stream of leadership and the other. Some say that we need more hard-edged “I” leaders, who assert their power of voice to get more results. On the other side of the debate, people assert that we need more of the team-oriented “We” leaders to foster performance. They say we would be better off if the hard-edged, driving leaders would just step back and connect more.

Based on research and on what we see with our clients, there is really no basis for this debate. If we aspire to genuine, world-class leadership, we need to develop both streams: power of voice, “I”; and power of connection, “We.” What do you need to do more of, less of, or differently regarding these streams of development? Do you need to develop more “I” or more “We”?

Interpersonal Mastery is about balancing our courageous influence—our voice—with human connection. This is not easy. As a matter of fact, it is one of the most difficult leadership challenges. When we have two powerful elements—our power of voice and our power of connection—coming together, we experience one of our most significant leadership moments. But it is much more challenging than simply bringing forward our “Authentic I” and our “Connected We.” The following story, which really happened to a friend of David Whyte and is similar to Dr. Jerry Harvey’s “Abilene Paradox,” illustrates the challenges even very senior leaders face when it comes to speaking up with a more powerful voice.

David’s friend, an executive and member of a senior team, was getting ready to retire from a successful corporate career. His reputation was intact. Financially, he was in great shape. By all measures, he was set. His CEO had a pet project that was important to him, but the CEO was frustrated by his senior team, because they didn’t seem to support it. The truth was they didn’t think the project had value, and they hoped, if they kept avoiding it, the CEO would forget about it. He didn’t. Instead, one day the CEO called his senior team into the conference room and said, “Okay. I want to hear from each of you about this project. On a scale of one to ten, ten meaning you are fully behind this strategy and one meaning you are against it.” He turned to the first person on his right and said, “Okay. What do you think?”

David’s friend thought to himself, “Wow! Now the CEO is going to get some real feedback.” But to his surprise and disappointment, the first team member said, “Ten, Bob.” The next said, “Ten, Bob.” The next “brave” soul said, “Nine and a half, Bob.” When the CEO got all the way around the table to David’s friend, despite the fact that he had nothing to lose, in a meek, mouse-like voice, he registered his “Ten, Bob.”

All of us do “Ten, Bobs.” But there are also times when we dare to take a different stance. These are the moments of real leadership, when we courageously step forward instead of cautiously stepping away. When we step forward, we align our voice, our values, and our experience in a manner that is solid and value-creating. How can you be more courageous, authentic, and aligned when doing so is not popular? What have been your “Ten, Bob” moments? What are the situations that most inhibit your authentic voice?

Culture—both corporate and societal—influences us powerfully from the outside in, toward the “I” or the “We” leadership approaches. Both approaches have an upside and a downside. Just as the tough, results-dominated culture has its downside or shadow consequences, so does the culture that supports too much niceness and politeness. These companies are pleasant, wonderful places to work. But the shadow is that people may be overly nice or passive-aggressive. Often, they avoid the tough conversations and constructive conflict. Authentic influence may be sacrificed on the altar of niceness. As a result, individual points of view may not come forward, and innovation may be compromised. World-class leadership is catalyzed by a courageous mixture of personal authenticity and interpersonal connection.

BUILDING RELATIONSHIP BRIDGES

Relationships are the bridges that connect authenticity to influence and value creation. Leadership is not influence for its own sake; it is influence that makes a difference and enriches the lives of others. Leadership does not exist in a vacuum. It always operates in context, in relationship. While leaders may lead by virtue of who they are, leaders also create value by virtue of their relationships. As the chairman of a global technology services firm shared with me, “Leadership is not about sitting in your office and dreaming up strategy; it is about touching the organization through personal presence and relationship.”

As crucial as relationships are to leadership success, many of us have a difficult time breaking out of the self-limiting illusion that we are “the ones that make things happen.” All too often, successful, achievement-oriented people mistakenly believe they are the principal source of accomplishments in their groups or organizations. Most leaders would not admit to this, but often their behavior clearly demonstrates this belief.

Research by the Saratoga Institute makes a startling case for the consequences of poor interpersonal skills. The Institute interviewed 19,700 people—exiting employees and their bosses. The results indicated that 85 percent of bosses said that their former employees left for more compensation and opportunity. On the other hand, 80 percent of the exiting employees said that they left because of poor relationships, poor development, and poor coaching from the boss.

Unfortunately, many driven leaders fail to comprehend that nothing is accomplished without engaging in relationships and appreciating the unique contributions of many, many people. Some leaders even feel slowed down or frustrated by the teaming or synergy process. Larry Perlman, former Chairman and CEO of Ceridian over a twenty-two-year tenure, sees it differently: “Leadership will not add enough value if it only comes from the top; it needs to come from the very guts of the business itself to make a meaningful and enduring difference.”

Jim Collins has described leaders with the combination of humility and fierce resolve as “tofu leaders: leaders who are somewhat bland, mix really well with everything around them, and provide lots of sustenance and value.” These leaders tend to take less credit for themselves and make certain that others receive it. Perhaps a more heroic, take-no-prisoners approach is needed in some business environments, but today, sustaining leaders must be able to blend people effectiveness with affinity for results.

Bob Eichinger, cofounder of Lominger International, adds that interpersonal skills are what separate high-performing leaders from the rest of the pack. “The key difference between good leaders and legacy leaders is not only about results; it’s about their people competencies. Legacy leaders are the orchestra conductors. They get the right people in the right chairs. They make it happen by bringing it all together.”

Roger Lacey, board member of Johnsonville Foods and former head of Corporate Strategy at 3M Company, shared this perspective on team leadership: “Ultimately, strategy, leadership, and teaming have to find their high-performing intersection. When companies leverage world-class strategy with world-class leadership and teaming, enduring momentum is possible.”

In addition to not seeing ourselves as the key driver of our organizations, as leaders we must also admit that very little of what we know can be said to be truly our own. Our language, culture, education, and beliefs have all come to us through others. We have acquired them through relationships. James Flaherty, author of Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others, has personally taught me this key principle: Those who say they are truly “self-made leaders” are ignoring many generations of people before them, and they often lack the confidence and character to learn from and give credit to others.

BALANCING PERSONAL POWER WITH SYNERGY POWER AND CONTRIBUTION POWER

One of the crucial development challenges for most leaders is learning how to authentically influence in a manner that also creates lasting value. This is not to say that leaders are not getting results; they usually are. Too often, though, they lack results that sustain value and contribution at the same time. How often do leaders get results but leave a wake of bodies in the process? How often do businesses get results but leave people or the environment damaged? This is getting results without making an enduring contribution.

A while ago, I had the good fortune to sit down and talk with John Dalla Costa, author of The Ethical Imperative. While I shared my perspective about leadership, I was dying to ask John, “What the heck is ethics?” At the appropriate moment, I sprang the question. To my surprise, John’s answer was succinct: “Ethics is others.” I thought, “That’s it? Twenty-five years of research and the answer is three small words?” Later, as I let John’s concentrated wisdom sink in, the profound simplicity and complexity of his definition hit me. Leaders face ethical dilemmas every day, and they usually boil down to people—managing constant stakeholder-related trade-offs and serving one constituency better or more than another.

Ken Melrose, Toro Chairman and CEO for twenty-two years, shared with me one of the company’s ethical dilemmas, which centered around a lawnmower product that had become a new commercial market standard. The product is unique because it turns on a dime but also has a very low center of gravity. Consequently, it is very hard to overturn. But in the rare instance that it does overturn, it flips over 180° and can seriously injure the operator. While the mower met compliance standards, Toro decided to add a roll bar behind the seat as an added safety precaution, and they did so without raising the price on newly manufactured units.

As the company further considered the needs of others, Toro faced another tough decision. What about existing units? Don’t they deserve the same ethical treatment? The initial, Pollyanna answer was yes, but the strict financial answer was no. So, what was the right thing to do? Were old customers as valuable as new ones, and were they as important as shareholders, who may have invested much more of themselves in the company? Melrose’s company installed the roll bars on all machines, new and old, at their own cost. They reasoned that although the decision was immediately costly for shareholders, the value-creating decision served both the customers and investors in the long haul. Seeing the longer-term consequences to all constituents, to all the “others,” Toro made a tough, ethical leadership decision.

In their discussion of “intentional work” in Presence: An Exploration of Profound Change in People, Organizations, and Society, Peter Senge and his coauthors—C. Otto Scharmer, Joseph Jaworski, and Betty Sue Flowers—say, “When people in leadership positions begin to serve a vision infused with a larger purpose, their work shifts naturally from producing results to encouraging the growth of people who produce results.” Too many organizations today take a very mechanistic approach to this model. Many companies tend to focus on results at all costs and drive the organization and people to support these goals.

This mechanistic approach prizes results over synergy and synergy over the individual. It’s an outside-in view of organizations and people. This approach to leading organizations leaves people feeling devalued and wondering, “Where do I fit in? Why am I here?” It’s an approach to leadership that misses the power of human engagement. As opposed to a mechanistic business, an organic one sees people as the source of creativity and dynamism. In this type of organization, personal power supports synergy power, which in turn contributes something of value to multiple constituencies. This inside-out model of organizations creates a purposeful culture where people are constantly thinking, “How can I make more of a contribution? How can I bring my gifts to others to make a difference?” It’s a purposeful, dynamic approach to organizational leadership that values and leverages the power of human aspiration.

Unfortunately, many leaders are limiting their effectiveness by using only their personal power to drive results. In the process, they have adopted a tough, get-it-done persona, devoid of much emotional intelligence or sustained performance. Winning at all costs rules the day, and relationships are seen as a means to get results. Unknowingly, long-term, sustainable results are being compromised because the collaborative power of the organization is suboptimal.

Peter Block, in his book Stewardship, wrote, “We are reluctant to let go of the belief that ‘if I am to care for something, I must control it.’” A while ago I spoke to a CEO who had started to build his bridge from personal power to relational power. After a long struggle “to set his organization right,” he finally had to change his approach and value the power of synergy. Describing his experience, he told me, “My rules just weren’t working anymore. The more I tried to assert my will, the worse things got. Not only was I attempting to take total responsibility for the turnaround, I also was taking the total blame for any problems. I was amazingly self-centered. I believed the fate of the entire business was mine alone. Letting go of that belief freed me to really lead us to a new future.”

Paul Walsh, Chairman and CEO of Diageo for twelve years, described it to me this way: “As managers, we are trained as cops, who are supposed to keep things under control. As leaders, we need to shift from control to trust.” Giving an apt description of balancing personal power with synergy power, he went on to say, “I don’t care who you are or how great you are, no one person can totally claim the victory or totally abstain from the defeat.” Learning to move our belief from thinking, “I have all the answers,” to “together, we have all the answers,” is the first crucial step to Interpersonal Mastery.

The late David McClelland, Harvard professor, author of The Achieving Society, and foundational thought leader with our Hay Group, pioneered breakthrough research that clarified eighty overall motives and three principle leadership motive categories: achievement, affiliation, and power. Interestingly, within the power motive, he differentiated two types of power: Personalized Power and Socialized Power. Rick Lash, a Hay Group colleague, explains this critical leadership dynamic: “While we all use Personalized Power to some degree to achieve our goals, when Personalized Power is all about serving the self or ego, it can create damage, or at least limit sustained value creation. Socialized Power is about going beyond self to serving others and includes acting for a larger purpose. In an increasingly complex and diverse world, Socialized Power becomes critical to enduring leadership success.”

The constant reconciliation of Personalized Power and Socialized Power—the “I” motive and the “We” motive—is the real work of leadership development. This brings us to the ultimate questions of Interpersonal Mastery: Is the “I” mainly serving the “I”? Or is the “I” mainly in service to the “We” and the broader, more purposeful enterprise achievement? The answer to these foundational questions will determine the fate of your leaders, teams, organizations, and quite possibly our planet.

REDUCING THE INTENTION-PERCEPTION GAP

The second step for leaders is to realize that we often lack full awareness of our impact on others. We assume, to an amazing degree, that other people clearly and fully receive our intended communication. It’s a huge leap of faith that does not hold up under close examination. Have you ever had a great laugh with a group of people and then asked each person what they thought was so funny? Probably, you were surprised to discover the unique perspective from which each person interprets the world.

All of us have been communicating our intentions since we delivered our first kick in our mother’s womb. Since then, our rich, well-practiced, internal conversations have evolved considerably, and we take for granted that others are receiving precisely our intended meaning. We express ourselves, and then we are shocked when our messages are misunderstood. Emerson wrote: “Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment.”

Becoming skilled at receiving feedback from others is crucial to ensuring that our influence is beneficial to others. Effective leadership requires us to constantly reduce the gap between intended and perceived communication. As one CEO likes to remind me, “I always start with API—Assumption of Positive Intent. Ninety-five percent of the leaders I know want to do well for themselves and others.” Although most leaders have good intentions, the way those intentions show up can be quite diverse. Ambrose Bierce wrote with great insight and humor, “In each human heart are a tiger, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.”

BEYOND 360° FEEDBACK TO 720° DEVELOPMENT

The tool most organizations use to help leaders deal with the intention-perception gap is 360° feedback. With such programs, leaders are given feedback from multiple sources on their behavior, skills, and leadership competencies.

Unfortunately, 360° feedback does not reveal the whole person. From a developmental perspective, it reveals only a portion of the person, rather than the total picture. This is particularly true when 360° feedback is the sole source of input given to the leader. If a development process is modeled primarily around 360° feedback, executives only learn how to create themselves in the image of others. As a result, they learn how to act instead of how to be—a direct route to following, not leading. In a provocative way, I tell most of my client organizations, “You don’t need 360° feedback. What you need for leaders is 720° development.” After they give me a polite, somewhat confused stare, I elaborate that 360° feedback in the absence of new self-knowledge often has two limitations:

1. It can create a defensive reaction, in which case no growth takes place.

2. It encourages people to simply deliver the desired behaviors without giving them the personal insight and motivation to grow—a formula destined to limit authentic influence by creating actors, not leaders.

But 720° Development is different. It begins with an Inside-Out 360°—a deep, broad, valid, integrated assessment of our personality traits, motives, and competencies as well as our current and desired stages of development. This first stage ensures that we begin to master a more authentic understanding of ourselves. Then, an Outside-In 360° is completed to give broad feedback on how people above, across from, and below us perceive our strengths and areas of development. With 720° Development, leaders now have a more complete context to reconcile their inner and outer realities.

For instance, I worked with a vice president of a consumer products company who received 360° feedback from his company prior to our coaching. He was perceived as too aggressive and untrustworthy. He was devastated by the feedback, because he lacked the self-awareness to meaningfully interpret the harsh input. He had no idea what to do. Should he pull back on his relationships and be less aggressive? If he did that, wouldn’t it further erode his sense of trust with people?

Because he didn’t know himself at a deep enough level, he was unable to assimilate the feedback and was developmentally paralyzed.

After completing our Executive to Leader Institute and getting an integrated, 720° view of himself, this executive had much more clarity of his entire situation. For the first time, he became objectively aware that he was extremely aggressive and dominant. He’d had no idea his interpersonal style was so far beyond the norm for leaders. Suddenly he had a context in which to understand the value of the feedback, and he was motivated to show up in a manner more consistent with his real intentions. Regarding the trustworthiness factor, we found in the Inside-Out 360° that he was a very honest person of high integrity. However, his somewhat introverted, aloof approach with people was creating a perception that he held things back. Knowing this, the challenge was of a different order. He needed to spend more time with peer relationships to let people get to know him. Once he got the complete 720° Development, he was able to engage actively in a development plan to move forward.

INTIMATE CONNECTION OF PERSONAL MASTERY AND INTERPERSONAL MASTERY

As we discussed earlier in the book, mastery of Leadership from the Inside Out is about consciously making a difference by fully applying our talents. This does not mean that we lead only from the inside out. On the contrary, we lead just as much from the outside in. Leadership is a constant dynamic between the inner and the outer and vice versa. We are in a continuing flow, a dynamic relationship with ourselves, our customers, our employees, and our personal relationships. Ultimately, we want a balance of leading from the inside out and from the outside in. Our decisions and actions are in a dynamic loop from us to others and back again. To practice leadership at the highest level of value creation, we need to consciously reconcile inside-out and outside-in dynamics:

Therefore, in addition to using 720° Development as a best practice, it is also important to get feedback in real time. As you are interacting with others, are you watching for discomfort, misunderstanding, inappropriate silence, or energy shifts in people? Ask people for their feedback on your views and how you are coming across. Even if you are quite sure people are listening, ask them what they think. Encourage people to challenge you. Ask people if there are other ways to view the topic at hand. Make sure they have received your intentions. If not, ask them what they heard, and then take the time to clarify until you are satisfied your intentions have been received. This will serve a threefold purpose:

1. Your influence will be even more authentic and create more value.

2. You will learn more about how you are being perceived.

3. You will develop more effective ways to communicate.

In 100 Things You Need to Know: Best People Practices for Managers & HR, Eichinger, Lombardo, and Ulrich report results of a study showing that “although it might seem mildly counterintuitive, high potentials, and especially executives, get less feedback. They are more likely to be told how wonderfully they are doing; specific feedback or even formal performance appraisals can be rare.” Don’t let yourself fall into this trap. Make 720° Development and realtime feedback a way to accelerate your self-awareness and interpersonal awareness.

THE INCLUSION PARADOX CREATES VALUE

The relationship between self-awareness and awareness of others is at the foundation of activating talent and collaboration in an inclusive, multicultural workforce. Andrés Tapia is an expert in workplace solutions, diversity, and inclusion. In his compelling book The Inclusion Paradox, Tapia asserts that if leaders want to attract and retain top talent, they have to foster work environments in which a wide diversity of people thrive. To do this, leaders must understand the distinction between diversity and inclusion.

“Diversity is the mix; inclusion is making the mix work.” To make the mix work, leaders must become culturally agile. At the heart of cultural agility is awareness—self-awareness and awareness of others. “It is not enough,” Tapia clarifies in our conversations, “to embrace and celebrate difference. Leaders need to understand in a deep, visceral, business-grounded way how to activate diversity.” Tapia passionately explains, “Each of us, even the white male, has his own individual biography that defines and influences why he walks and talks the way he does, why he thinks, believes, and acts the way he does.”

Politely ignoring and not talking about our differences is a liability. “Calling out differences unleashes the true creative contributions of diverse perspectives that play off each other and lead to better work relationships, greater innovation, and profitability that benefit individuals, teams, and organizations,” Tapia concludes. Authentic inclusion never makes people choose between their core identity and adding value at work. This is the Inclusion Paradox: incorporating our differences in our daily work, policies, structures, and strategies makes us stronger as individuals, teams, organizations, communities, and societies. Transactive managers seek control through conformity with the past, while transformative leaders discover new frontiers by being open, inclusive, and innovative.

OPENING UP POSSIBILITIES

I was driving around a city lake in Minneapolis on a brilliant spring day. As you may know, spring in Minneapolis is dramatic. From the depths of winter, everything explodes into life. Seemingly all at once, the trees bloom and the birds return. As I was driving along, appreciating all of this renewal, a big fat robin flew into the front grille of my car and was killed immediately. I pulled over to check it out, and there was nothing I could do. As I drove away, I thought about this beautiful bird who just a moment ago had been enjoying her life, tending to her family, and fulfilling her purpose. In a flash, I came along and unintentionally shut all of that down. How often do we do that in our relationships? How often, as leaders, do we come barreling through our organizations and shut others down?

Practicing Interpersonal Mastery isn’t easy, and it takes time. We don’t always feel we have the time to pause and listen. When I return from lengthy business trips, I want to head into my office to “get things done.” My first internal reaction to colleagues walking in is, “Yeah, what do you want?” But the important interpersonal discipline is to move away from my keyboard and my “busyness” and be present with them for a few minutes. The results-oriented part of me feels like I just slowed down, but this is eventually counter-balanced by the people-oriented part of me that knows I just gave someone else fuel to go faster.

Marilyn Carlson Nelson, one of Fortune magazine’s “50 Most Powerful Women in Business” and CEO for seventeen years of Carlson Companies, one of the largest privately held corporations in the United States, expressed this perspective: “Employees who feel that their management cares about them as a person, in return care about the organization in which they work. And isn’t that the key to a successful enterprise?”

MOVING FROM LEADER TO OPENER

One of the most crucial qualities in a leader is courageous openness—openness to new possibilities in the marketplace, openness to new learnings and innovation, openness to relationships, openness to new ways of doing things, openness to encouraging people to pursue possibilities. Openness is so important to leadership that maybe we should stop calling people “leaders” and rename the most effective ones “openers.” Leaders open up or shut down opportunities in direct proportion to how open or shut down they are to themselves and to others.

We worked with a senior executive a while ago who sincerely believed in openness. What he didn’t realize was that his way of being direct and frank with people was actually shutting them down. He believed in openness and authenticity, but his approach was creating the opposite effect. It was a total mystery to him. He even rationalized it by saying that other people in his organization just weren’t as open as he was. What was missing was openness to himself. He could be open and direct when it came to driving people to results or expressing criticism, but he could not be open about his fears, limitations, inadequacies, or vulnerabilities. As a result, his embodiment of “openness” was very limited.

Once he gained the inner strength and confidence to be more open about his real concerns and feelings, it came as a great surprise to him how other people opened up to him. He told me, “It was startling to me that people opened up and supported me as I opened up and shared my vulnerabilities. I built my career by being invulnerable. I was very open about the work, but very fearful about revealing myself. I didn’t understand that I was distancing people in the process. I now understand that more openness in the organization begins with me.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote, “When one is a stranger to oneself, then one is estranged from others, too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” As a world-class, international consultant, Suzanne really touched her clients. When asked why her clients had such outstanding regard for her, she quickly replied, “I treat each one with the respect and service of an honored guest. I feel privileged to be associated with them and want them to feel served. I can’t fully explain it; I just treat them like a guest in my home.”

Unfortunately, Suzanne’s coworkers reported that they did not feel like guests. They felt that Suzanne only cared about “looking special” in her clients’ eyes and cared very little about them. Suzanne was not aware of her excessive need to “be special.” This need was generated by her Shadow Belief: “I’m not good enough as I am.” As a result, Suzanne was driven to validate her uniqueness from the outside. Once she understood this dynamic and comprehended emotionally how mistreated her coworkers felt, she was very motivated to treat everyone in her life as “guests.” She worked on her limiting beliefs and changed her relationship paradigm from self-service to service-to-others.

TRUSTING AND ENGAGING IN CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT

In helping senior teams elevate their game to the next level, we consistently find that two crucial areas are in need of development: trust and constructive conflict. Teams that can authentically face these two interpersonal challenges can accelerate performance greatly.

Following the merger of two major consumer products firms, a newly forming team came face-to-face with these two critical issues. While they acted very friendly and cordial to each other on the surface, the truth was the two groups’ members really did not trust each other.

Consequently, they did not have the courage and the relationship to engage openly and honestly or to have constructive conflict. As a result, they generated no new innovative strategies, and they relied on a series of fast executions. The business pace became sluggish, falling directly in step with the low level of trust and engagement holding back the senior team. As is common with most senior teams, team members retreated to the comforts of their function or business unit to do their “real work.”

We were engaged to create a forum for these people to build relationships, get to know each other, forge a purpose bigger than their concern for themselves, gain the tools to have positive conflict, and eventually build trust. An undertaking like this is much more than an off-site event. We worked through this process, individually and collectively, over several months. Slowly our meetings warmed up. With respect and understanding, leaders began to challenge each other. Individual leaders committed to coaching sessions to get ready to show up in new ways. The CEO embodied new behaviors and “walked the talk” of the new values and purpose expressed by the team. After nine months, our measures of trust increased by 60 percent, and over twelve months they increased by 76 percent. Dealing with conflict constructively improved significantly. The team had internalized Interpersonal Mastery at a new and rewarding level.

On the value of team development from the inside out, Brad Hewitt, CEO of Thrivent Financial, commented: “In today’s fast-paced world, it is critical to elevate team and personal development to a new level. Team and self-awareness are essential for excellence. Integrating in-depth, inside-out processes for key team members with in-depth, outside-in perspectives from the marketplace is crucial to keep pace. Taking this more holistic approach does impact personal, team, and strategic growth.” Real team development involves integrating Personal Mastery, Interpersonal Mastery, and Strategic Mastery—all in one process.

SIX PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC INTERPERSONAL MASTERY

Authenticity is the core of relationships around which synergy and trust grow. Imagine a relationship without authenticity. Can it survive? Certainly not long term. Authenticity is the life force of relationships; it is the true voice of the leader as it touches other people’s hearts. From observing the most effective leaders, I would suggest there are Six Principles for Authentic Interpersonal Mastery, that bridge genuine influence to value creation.

1. Know Yourself Authentically: Variations of the phrase nosce te ipsum, “know thyself,” appear throughout the ages, in the writings of Ovid, Cicero, and Socrates, in the sayings of the Seven Sages of Greece, on the entrance to the temple of Apollo, in Christian writings, and in Eastern texts. One scholar says it was part of Shakespeare’s “regular moral and religious diet.”

Nosce te ipsum threads its way through history as the preeminent precept in life.

Chaucer: “Full wise is he that can himself know.”

Browning: “Trust is within ourselves.”

Pope: “And all our knowledge is, ourselves to know.”

Montaigne: “If a man does not know himself, how should he know
his functions and his powers?”

Saint-Exupéry: “Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life.” Lao Tzu: “Knowledge of self is the source of our abilities.”

More contemporary thinkers, from Ralph Waldo Emerson to Abraham Maslow and Warren Bennis, have carried on the tradition. Emerson wrote, “The purpose of life seems to be to acquaint man with himself.” Bennis wrote: “Letting the self emerge is the essential task of leaders.” If we want to be more effective with others, we first need to become more effective with ourselves. Instead of focusing on finding the right partner (in business or friendships), seek to be the right partner. Commit to the journey of self-awareness through Personal Mastery. To connect with others, we first must connect with ourselves.

2. Listen Authentically: How often are we truly present with someone? How often do we pause, set aside all our concerns—past, present, and future—and completely “be there” for someone else? How often do we really hear what the other person is saying and feeling without filtering it heavily through our own immediate concerns and time pressures? Authentic listening is not easy. We hear the words, but rarely do we really listen. We hear the words, but do we also “hear” the emotions, fears, beliefs, and underlying concerns? Authentic listening is not a technique. It involves deep care for the other person that goes beyond our self-centered needs. It is about standing in their shoes or seeing through their eyes. It is about empathy. Listening authentically is centered on the principle of psychological reciprocity: to influence others, we must first be open to their influence. Authentic listening is the attempt to place the other person’s self-expression as primary at that moment.

Listening is not the same as waiting for the other person to finish speaking. I find it amusing to observe leaders who think that not speaking is the same as really listening. Fidgeting in their chairs and doing several things at once, many leaders give numerous, simultaneous cues that they are anywhere but present with people. One successful senior executive I was about to coach was so agitated while I was talking to him that he actually threw his pen across the room. His impatience and inner distress were so strong, he couldn’t even listen to me for a minute without his “dis-ease” bursting through his body and making him fling his Montblanc across my office! It was a very embarrassing moment for him to see precisely what other people witnessed in his behavior.

Try practicing authentic listening. Be with people, and have the goal to fully understand the thoughts and feelings they are trying to express. Use your questions and comments to draw them out, to open them up, and to clarify what is said rather than expressing your view, closing them down, and saying only what you want. Not only will this help you understand what value and contribution the other person has, it will also create a new openness in the relationship that will allow you to express yourself more authentically.

Authentic listening creates the platform for openness, trust, and team effectiveness. Being open to valuing and attending to different perspectives from diverse sources results in a more complete understanding of issues and more innovative solutions. Research has clearly identified communication skills as core to leadership effectiveness, and listening skills are the core of communication. Authentic listening is the soul of synergy.

3. Influence Authentically: Authentic influence is a delicate subject for many leaders. I have yet to meet a leader who would admit readily that he or she lacks some degree of integrity. I also have yet to meet a leader who has complete integrity in all parts of his or her life.

Integrity goes far beyond telling the truth. Integrity means total congruence between who we are and what we do. It is a formidable goal, worthy of spending a lifetime getting there. How often have we held back something that we feel is important because we are fearful of expressing it? How often have we expressed something in a slightly more favorable light to avoid hurting someone’s feelings? How often have we protected someone from what we consider a tough message? How often have we feigned modesty for something we were really proud of?

Authentic influence is the true voice of the leader. We speak it from our character, and it creates trust, synergy, and connection with everyone around us. Authentic influence is not simply refining our presentation style—it’s deeper than that. Some of the most authentic leaders I know stumble around a bit in their delivery, but the words come right from their hearts and experiences. You can feel it. You feel their conviction and the integral connection of who they are and what they say. Benjamin Franklin wrote, “Think innocently and justly, and if you speak, speak accordingly.”

Authentic influence is about straight talk that creates value. It’s not about hurting people with bluntness or insensitivity. Expressing yourself authentically is sharing your real thoughts and feelings in a manner that opens up possibilities. It’s not about delivering only positive messages and avoiding the negatives—sometimes the most difficult messages can open up the most possibilities if shared in a thoughtful, compassionate manner.

Influencing authentically is what one CEO I know calls “caring confrontation”—the unique blending of straight talk with a genuine concern for people. Like many leaders, my CEO friend had been uncomfortable with such interaction for years. As his career progressed, he realized, “Real caring involves giving people the tough feedback they need to grow.” Another very self-aware CEO put it this way: “A leader’s ability to be appropriately tough is directly proportional to the depth and quality of his or her relationships.” Carl Jung said it this way: “To confront a person in his shadow is to show him his light.”

Start observing how authentically you are expressing yourself. Fernando Flores, communications expert and founder of Business Design Associates and Pluralistic Networks, boiled down his powerful communication paradigm to this: “A human society operates through the expression of requests and promises.” Are you authentically expressing your requests? Are you authentically fulfilling your promises? Are you authentically reiterating a request or a promise when needed? Use this model as a guide to authentic influence; it is very transformative.

4. Appreciate Authentically: As leaders, we do too much and appreciate too little. Has anyone ever appreciated you too much? It would probably be safe to say that human beings have an infinite capacity to be appreciated. Lenny Bruce wrote, “There are never enough ‘I love yous.’” A mentor of mine once told me, “Love is an extreme case of appreciation.”

However, as leaders we don’t appreciate enough, much less love enough. In fact, we have banned the “L” word from business. In spite of the fact that the “L” word is the substance that unifies teams, builds cultures, fosters commitment, and bonds people to an organization, it is not socially acceptable even to say the “L” word in a business context. We can say we hate someone with no repercussions, but if we say we love someone, we may be banished for life! In lieu of this cultural taboo, let’s insert the word “appreciation.” Appreciation is one type of influence that creates value. It energizes people and makes them want to exceed their goals and perceived limits.

Criticism is one type of influence that often does not add value. What it typically adds is fear and insecurity. Criticism may get some short-term results, but a constant dosage tends to be toxic. Judging others critically doesn’t define them, anyway; it defines us. An Islamic aphorism suggests that “a thankful person is thankful under all circumstances. A complaining soul complains even if he lives in paradise.”

As leaders, we need to follow the advice of William Penn: “If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.” What would an organization or team be like if people willingly expressed this type of appreciation for one another?

Studies done by John Gottmann, and described in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, found that relationships that had a five-to-one ratio of appreciation to criticism were thriving, healthy, and productive. However, relationships that were at a one-to-one ratio of appreciation to criticism were doomed to failure. Divorces were the inevitable result of falling to a one-to-one ratio or lower.

Discipline yourself to practice authentic appreciation. Look for what is going well—point it out and have some fun celebrating good things as they come up. Shift your analysis of situations from finding fault to finding the value being added. Move from critic to coach. As Thomas Ebeling, CEO of ProSieben Media, shared, “Moving from critic to coach may be one of the most powerful tools we have as leaders to generate energy, engagement, enthusiasm, and results in an organization. It is very challenging to practice, but it is at the core of transformational leadership.”

Acknowledge effort and intention even if the results are occasionally lacking. Trust that your appreciation will energize people. Commit to a culture of acknowledgment and appreciation; have team members commit to being a source of acknowledgment and appreciation to one another. Appreciation transmits energy, and as Emerson wrote, “The world belongs to the energetic.” Multiply your leadership energy through the practice of genuine appreciation.

5. Share Stories Authentically: As we have discussed and illustrated, stories are the language of leadership. They separate a boring, detached, closed manager from an inspiring, connected, open leader. Real power emanates from our ability to connect with those around us.

That is the power and universality of classics: stories that, regardless of their time or their place, connect us emotionally to themes, characters, and conflicts that are still relevant today. Your real-life personal or career stories are inspiring tools for building relationship bridges. “To communicate is not just a matter of pushing information at another person,” Daniel Goleman said. “It’s creating an experience to engage their emotional gut, and that’s an emotional craft.” Craft authentic stories to bring your values to life and to build deeper emotional connection with your people.

6. Serve Authentically: As a very wise, eighty-five-year-old CEO shared with me, “I think one of the key questions every leader must ask himself or herself is, ‘How do I want to be of service to others?’” Ultimately, a leader is not judged so much by how well he or she leads but by how well he or she serves. All value and contribution are achieved through service. Do we have any other purpose in life but to serve? Leadership is a continuum of service. We serve our organization, our people, our customers, our marketplace, our community, and our family. We serve all our relationships while also serving our deepest values and our purpose. At the heart of service is the principle of interdependence: relationships are effective when mutual benefits are served.

In Stewardship, Peter Block captures the essence of serving authentically: “There is pride in leadership; it evokes images of direction. There is humility in stewardship; it evokes images of service. Service is central to the idea of stewardship.”

As leaders, when we move from control to service, we acknowledge that we are not the origin of achievement. This shift is an emotional and spiritual breakthrough. Several years ago, I had the privilege of speaking at a Greenleaf Servant Leadership Conference, where Dee Hock also was a keynote speaker. As you may know, Dee Hock, CEO of Visa and author of Birth of the Chaordic Age, was named one of the eight people who most changed the world through business in the last fifty years. Including himself in a reflection about leadership, Dee said, “When we as leaders get in the bad habit of thinking that other people are there to support our success, we’re actually not leaders, we’re tyrants. Only when we go through the emotional, psychological, and spiritual transformation to realize our role is to serve others, do we deserve to be called a leader.” This is a powerful reframing of the way we typically perceive leadership, isn’t it?

As we advance through leadership roles, it is easy to get caught up in the “bad habits” of thinking that others are there principally to serve our needs. But once we are conscious of this more powerful perspective, it is easier to move from leadership that is self-serving and short term to leadership that is constituency-serving and sustainable. As Winston Churchill said in often-quoted words, “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” We are measured as a manager by what we produce; we are judged as a leader by what we give.

Practice serving authentically. Start by appreciating the bigger forces around and beyond you that are guiding the whole process. Understand that you are fortunate to have this particular role. Appreciate it; then let your talents and gifts come forth. Bryant Hinckley summed it up well in Hours with Our Leaders :

Service is the virtue that distinguished the great of all times and which they will be remembered by. It places a mark of nobility upon its disciples. It is the dividing line which separates the two great groups of the world—those who help and those who hinder, those who lift and those who lean, those who contribute and those who only consume. How much better it is to give than to receive. Service in any form is comely and beautiful. To give encouragement, to impart sympathy, to show interest, to banish fear, to build self-confidence and awaken hope in the hearts of others, in short—to love them and to show it—is to render the most precious service.