CHAPTER 5

Honor the Audience

No man is an island.

—John Donne

Ok. You may be saying. I get it; it’s not about me. But who is it about?

Ah. That is the appropriate question, grasshopper.

Good communication is like good ballroom dancing: one person leads, intending for the other person to look great and graceful. Yes, the one who leads looks great as well. Yet most people in the know realize that he—or she, as so often happens—is the one responsible for the flair and the fun. The leader of the couple signals his intent and his plan so that the follower can go where she is supposed to go. In time. On beat. And never miss a step.

If you’ve ever been in a country honkytonk bar where the crowd is into line dancing, you will also recognize that if the whole crowd is dancing on step and not crashing into each other, a good leader is also usually at work. When you give people the tools and knowledge of the steps, model it for them, and signal clearly what you want them to do, you can move mountains.

So, as a good communicator, just like a good dancer, you have to be aware of and accept the followers’ strengths and weaknesses. And you accommodate, no matter how much you may not want to. The success of the dance—like the success of the communication—depends on your doing so. Otherwise you are out there wind dancing, all alone in your own world, full of your own sounds and possible fury, and, as Shakespeare pointed out, signifying nothing.

Like all Zen concepts, explaining how to adapt to your audience is best accomplished by a story.

I live on a corner, where the driveway is on a side street away from the front door. The most convenient entrance, therefore, is through the back and into the kitchen. And every day, my family comes home through that kitchen door, kicks off their shoes, and dumps their backpacks and other belongings in the kitchen chairs and on the kitchen table.

This whole process drives me crazy. I need to move their books, their keys, their lunch boxes, gym bags, and a whole host of other things to cook dinner. I usually trip over their shoes. And almost every single day my message in my head is, “How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t put this stuff there!” And sometimes I am in my own little box, aware of no one and nothing but myself, and I say that exact message in those exact words. And every single time that I do, it backfires on me. Because my message was crafted all about me, my family members each retreat in their own little worlds and entrench themselves there: if I communicate in a way that says it is all about me, well, by gum, they are going to make it all about them. Not only do I get pushback and possible attitude, but I still wind up having to pick up everything anyway.

This is not good Zen communication. And the worst part is that no matter how many times I send the message that way, their reaction never gets more favorable. It’s a lesson I often have to relearn.

Yet when I am on my game and in my good Zen communication mode, I know that saying that message just the way I thought it is going to backfire on me. Instead I need to think about my goals. What do I really want? I know what I mean by “get these things out of here!” But they don’t. I know all of the tangential items and meanings and nuances and everything else that I intend in that message in my head. They do not. So I have to think about what is my real goal. I then go through the steps that we’ve just talked about. I also know I have three very different people who are hearing the message—I need to tailor my message in a different way for each one.

But Isn’t This a Lot of Work?

Yes. So is dealing with attitudes and picking up after everyone. What Zen communication teaches us is that careful investment in delivering the message in a way each one in the audience understands is an investment in a positive goal. In negotiation theory, it’s called finding communal goals and establishing bonds. By spending the few moments it takes to decide what my true goal is, understand who my audience is and what’s in it for them, I am investing at the beginning. I’m not paying accrued emotional interest on top of doing the work after the poorly constructed message. I am investing in harmony—and in getting what I want.

Why? Because only by identifying my real goal, and then identifying and analyzing my audience, will I be successful. What do I really want here? I want the shoes in the closets in their room, or put under the dresser, out of the way. I want the keys hung up by the back door so we don’t have to hunt for them in the morning. And I want the backpacks over in the corner where the kids can grab them later to do homework. I want the lunchboxes emptied and the containers put in the dishwasher. I want the table clear and a clean canvas for me to start the ever-present work of feeding my family.

Is any of that in the message “How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t put this stuff there!”? I didn’t think so. And if I try to explain what I mean by that message, all they are going to hear is that teacher noise from the Peanuts specials: waa waa waa. I blew the message and their willingness to hear me with that shoot-from-the-hip self-centered focus. What should I do?

Let’s continue with my example. We know that shooting from the hip with my internal thought isn’t going to work. I can also say, “Pick up your shoes.” And three different things will happen, depending on which of my three family members I say it to. My husband, who means well will reach down, pick up his shoes, and put them on the nearest flat surface that is not the floor. That may be one of the kitchen chairs, which does not help me any at all. He’s been known to put the shoes on the table, which then makes even more work for me. Or he may just move them to the corner of the room, which doesn’t help me meet my goal either.

My college-aged daughter, who seems to always be busy, on overload, wanting to please, but always with her mind somewhere else, will say, “Sure, mom, I’ll get to it in just a moment.” And she means to. The problem is she becomes involved in a text from her friend, her homework, her intent to go out and run, or something else that is important in her teenage life, and she will forget. Picking up shoes really is on the periphery of her life and while it means something to me, with all of the mix that she has going on, it really does not mean anything to her.

What usually happens is that the shoes and backpack and keys will stay where they first landed. I may even say five more times “Please pick up the shoes” and nothing happens. I become frustrated, which upsets my Zen calm, and then either I do the work myself and fume about it, which wastes my energy far past what I would have used to do the actual work of picking up the items, or I revert to that I mode and deliver a scathing message that accomplishes nothing. (See the paragraph above on sending verbatim the message in your head. It still doesn’t work.)

My teenaged son really wants to please. And when I say, “pick up your shoes,” he’ll come pick them up and put them down somewhere not far from where they were. He has a short attention span, just like his sister, mainly because he has a lot going on in his life as well. He does not want to be disobedient—but he’s literal. He picked up the shoes, didn’t he? He’s just doing what I told him to do. He can’t help it that I didn’t craft my message so that the audience understood all that I meant by that remark.

Now if I analyze all three of my audiences then I realize I need to craft my message in a different manner. My husband, bless him, has been married to me for very long time. He has learned quickly that the simplest way for him to proceed with his own work and agenda is to do what I’ve asked him to do—and like my son, that’s what he does, exactly what I said. However, that does not always guarantee that I get what I want.

Like many employees who have many things to do for many different people, my daughter sometimes does not see what I’m asking her to do as important in her grand picture as it does to me. And my son is like a junior employee brand-new to the organization: he’s too new to the job to really see what my goals are. My husband, also known as my business partner, has his own strategies and therefore needs to know that this action meets our overall common goals. The problem isn’t them. The problem is me. I haven’t considered them as people with needs and duties other than jumping to my own commands. And without that analysis, my communication and its intent fail.

Remember when we get out of that I box, we have to know this other person exists. We no longer function as a middle-schooler, full of angst and inward focus. We function as calm, capable, and reasonable beings, willing to work for the common good of our organization and ourselves.

But How Do You Analyze?

To do so, you ask yourself some questions. It’s not enough just to know that the person that you’re writing to or talking to is Mary Smith. You have to consider her. That means you have to know several things about her, such as what’s going on with Mary. What is happening in her life right now? Who all else is asking her to do things? What’s her main function? What’s her background? Is she going to have time to pay attention to you and your message right now, or should you wait a few hours—or a day? How does she interact with people? Does she listen with one hand on her smartphone, checking her email, or does she write down notes as you talk?

All of this understanding allows your picture of Mary to develop sharply. You consider her. You don’t judge her. You just focus on her—almost as if you have a movie that is taking a wide panoramic shot of her. That way you can see how your message will play in the larger picture of what’s going on in her life.

The second question you ask yourself is “What’s Mary’s relationship to me? Who is she? Is she is my peer? My subordinate who may be a little nervous about receiving a message from me? Is she positioned in authority above me?” You need to think about how you’re going to work your message for each of these different positions. This second question allows you to ask how Mary will relate to you—and how will she feel about this relationship. The answers to this one will help you decide the tone of your message.

The third question you ask yourself when analyzing your audience is “What is Mary’s relationship to the material I’m about to present? Is the material something she already knows very well? Or is it something that’s brand-new to her?” Perhaps if you are an IT specialist or research chemist, if you are sending the material to someone else who is also in your own field, you will have an easier time explaining the material than you would if you had to send the same material to someone in PR or marketing. The person in your field will be close and familiar with the material—but someone else won’t.

You also need to know what Mary’s relationship is to the message. This is especially important when you consider the emotional response she probably will have to it. Think about whether a message is going to stir a negative emotional response in her. If it is, that will determine which media to send your message—something we will discuss in a later chapter. Ask yourself as well how she will use this material that you are providing. If she needs it to make a decision, have you given all of the points she needs? Imagine Mary’s face as she reads the message, and picture yourself watching her as tries to respond to the message. Doing so will help you craft that message to serve the best purpose it can.

The last question you ask yourself when you’re analyzing your audience is “What are this person’s strengths and weaknesses?” I don’t necessarily mean is Mary a good writer or good with numbers, although that also helps you get a full picture of who she is. What I mean by this is someone who is very socially intelligent will be very aware of how information is processed through different people. She will see many nuances and aspects to your message, more so than someone who is strongly analytical and who relies on facts alone; she will innately understand what you intend to say even if you didn’t say it well. Does she have a very strong emotional intelligence? If so, you may have to be more careful of the emotional impact and nuances in the words you choose. She may be easily offended or take statements in a way that you did not intend. If she is high in standard logical and rational intelligence, she’ll want to see how one step leads to another. A printable to-do or how-we-got-here list will work better than anything else to help her process information.

Now, while it seems as if following every one of these techniques will take a long time, in reality the process doesn’t take more than about one or two minutes. The first time you actually think through writing to Mary will take the longest. After that, all you need to do is recall your thoughts; perhaps keeping notes in your contacts file will help. Understanding and honoring the audience is such a crucial part of communicating that having these understandings—and notes about what worked and what you didn’t understand—will help assure that each subsequent communication is quicker and more successful. Plus, it builds your awareness of those and the world around you.

We have to stop here and talk about listening. Not hearing—listening. We are so inundated daily with sounds no matter where we go. We may be outside and hear the birds—but we’re just as likely to hear jackhammers in traffic. When we’re in the grocery store, for instance, we hear piped-in music, advertisements, and other people talking. We even hear other people’s loud conversations on their cell phones.

What Is Listening?

Listening is not identifying sounds. It is the art of paying attention to someone else. Yes, we are back to getting that pronoun “I” out of our thoughts and out as the primary focus of our communication. How often do you find yourself in a situation where someone is telling you something about an issue that matters to them—and you are busy doing something else at the same time? You may excuse what you are doing as multitasking. But what you’re doing is avoiding listening. You’re still in your I box, doing what you want to do, and relegating the other person to the background. That is not paying attention to someone else; it’s feeding your own ego about how great you are that you are “listening” but also doing what you want to do.

Now imagine that same scenario. But imagine instead of looking at your email, adjusting papers on your desk, checking your smart phone, cooking dinner, or whatever, that you stop, turn, and face the person. Watch his face. Watch the emotions that accompany the words. Really aim to focus 100 percent if possible on his words. Just imagine for a moment what would happen if you did give this person all the attention you could. If you really listened to what he had to say? What will happen if you take those two minutes to contemplate the other person?

Contemplation of the other is crucial. As one of my colleagues states, all of us carry around an invisible sign around our necks that says, “Please notice me.” Imagine how paying attention would change the look on someone’s face—the one who was trying to tell you something yesterday or even a day before. It could be a coworker, a spouse, or a child. Think of what would’ve happened had you really paid attention; what would have happened if you truly listened. How would the other person have reacted?

When we hear about paying attention to the other person and listening, immediately many of us start thinking about all of the studies we have read about how poor modern-day listening skills are. All those studies do is depress us. Listening can be easy. All you have to do is approach it in a Zen way. What do I mean by that? Well, first, as I keep repeating, get the I out. Focus on the other person; hear her words.

Most of us don’t listen because we’re really waiting for our turn to speak. Think about it: we may hear the other person’s words but immediately go into a defense of our own positions, a comment on the positions or one about why we think what we think, or just about anything else that is self-centered. In Zen, we aim for no emotional reactions—and all of these are emotional reactions. Try ignoring the focus on out-talking the other person and instead listen to what he has to say. Doing so can be very easy. Whenever your own thoughts or your own reactions of “Yes, but I need to say this” appears in your mind, do something physical to stop them.

How? You can try something simple such as sitting on your hands; for many, having their hands contained keeps them from talking. Free hands equal free speech. Contained hands equal listening. Having a rubber band around your wrist that you pop whenever the “I” thoughts intrude also can be effective. Whatever you use, the main intent is to keep you focused on the other person, not on your own internal need to speak.

We don’t even have to recognize all the words the person is saying. Some of us also tend to let our inner English teacher take over when we attempt to listen, correcting grammar, ideas or even adding prompts for the speaker, trying to hurry them to finish. Both tactics are more I-centered behavior. Instead, just hear the words. In one famous Zen koan, the master instructs the pupil to be like a stone in a river and stay still, letting the water flow about him. Apply that concept to listening: let the words flow. No action is necessary—but observation and acknowledgment is.

All we really need to do is concentrate on the other person. Take time and distance from your own emotions to observe the emotion of the speaker. How does this person feel about what he is saying? Look at the face. Observe how it reacts and moves with the words. Look at the body language. You don’t need to interpret or judge; just observe. By doing so, you will find yourself with a much deeper and better understanding of the person’s ideas.

Now you may also be saying to me, “I communicate with this person always through the web. I’ve never heard his voice.” Perhaps. Yet the same ideas apply. Most of us don’t read emails or web-based documents; we scan them. We also tend to scan them with that same waiting-for-the-chance-to-respond mindset rather than absorbing the message. Our intent becomes to check off the email and get the message off our plate so we can be on to something we want to do. So we react. “He wants what by when? He’s got to be mental.” Or “How many times is he going to ask me that same question?” or even “Why do they send me this junk?” Yes, maybe he does want it by an unrealistic time—but maybe he’s given you all the notice he himself was given. Maybe there’s a bigger, newer need. Or yes, maybe he is self-centered and can’t plan.

None of that matters. Taking the Zen approach to such documents helps here as well. For instance, instead of scanning or approaching the email with an I approach, take a moment just to read the message and observe one of the emotions at work in it. You may feel empathy. You may be surprised at what you hear that is NOT said.

When you judge, you let your I focus get into the other person’s ideas and message. As a result, you do not get the entire value of understanding the other person. Remember that understanding the audience is the critical point of all communication; if all you’re thinking about is yourself and your reactions, you’ve missed the point. Just observe it, then take that information, write it down, or put it somewhere in your head. I’m not asking you to do anything with that information. Just be aware of it. Just observe. Just as Zen tells you to observe what is going on around you, and by observing you will be ready to understand the world, observing the other person will help ensure that you’ll be ready to write or communicate with this person. Observing may also give you a much bigger picture than you would have if all you did was react and scan.

Why is she asking you the same question? Well, possibly she didn’t read your answer the first time. Or maybe she forgot. Or maybe, just maybe, you didn’t answer well. Perhaps your answer was unclear if you answered in a hurry with your mind on something else. Or perhaps what she really wants to know is something bigger and she either doesn’t know how to put that in words—or perhaps isn’t quite aware of it herself. Observing will allow you to see those needs, that bigger picture.

How does good listening help you determine who the audience is? If you understand the emotions, the points, the words, and the ideas from the other person, you’re going to understand what makes that person function. And you will begin to understand how you can build a relationship with that person.

Relationship?

You may be saying, “Why would I want to build a relationship with this person? I’m merely asking for a refund for product or asking for help.” All of life is symbiotic.

Many of us stare into our devices, laptops, tablets, and phones and become so focused on the narcissistic quality of ourselves we fail to see how much we really need other people. And once we recognize that fact, listen to the other person, and are aware of who she is, we are one giant step forward on the path to Zen communication.