One of the great gifts of experiencing conflict is that it requires us to think about what matters. One helpful way of applying the reflection questions in this book to a specific situation is to organize them so that they paint a picture of what is going on, what you are thinking and feeling, and what you want to do—including who, what, where, why, and how.
Use the templates on the following pages to organize your thoughts.
Who?
With whom are you currently experiencing differences at work?
Boss(es)/upper management?
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Peers?
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Employees?
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What core value might the other person have that is influencing his or her choices?
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Which of the four behavioral styles from Chapter 6 does this person seem to be using?
Aggressive
Nonassertive
Passive-Aggressive
Assertive
What is his or her usual method of handling conflict?
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What does he or she value when involved in conflict?
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Who else is involved in or affected by the conflict?
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Does having these people involved escalate the issue?
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What values do these people possess that may be in conflict?
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What?
Write a brief description or story about what is going on.
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Is this description objective? If not, try to describe it objectively.
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What do you want to be different because you have engaged in this conflict?
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What is the ideal outcome?
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When?
Can you plan and agree to a time to talk to the other person that will suit you both?
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Will a certain time make your meeting more likely to be effective than some other time?
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Will all the interested/affected parties be able to make this time?
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Is it better to deal with the conflict when it is happening, immediately afterward, or after a period of time has passed and things have cooled down?
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Where?
Have you chosen a neutral setting or a setting that will lend itself to putting the other person at ease?
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Can you arrange to have other neutral parties there to temper the environment?
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Will having an authority figure there calm the other person or escalate the issue?
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How can you minimize the distractions in the environment?
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Why?
WIIFM? (What’s in it for me?)
What might I gain by being a part of this conflict?
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What might I learn by being a part of this conflict?
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What might change about me as a result of being a part of this conflict?
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WIIFOP? (What’s in it for the other person?)
What might the other person(s) gain because I am a part of this conflict?
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What might they learn?
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What might change about our relationship?
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WIIFU? (What’s in it for us?)
What might everyone involved gain because I am a part of this conflict?
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What might my team or department and I gain because I am a part of this conflict?
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What might the company gain because I am a part of this conflict?
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What would you like to happen if this conflict were positively engaged with the other person?
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Why does that matter to you?
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Now continue to ask why four more times and write your answers on this page.
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How?
Will it be most effective to approach this conflict as a contest to win, as a problem to solve, or as a learning opportunity?
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How will you prepare yourself to listen well?
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How will you remind yourself to stay cool and listen well while you are in your meeting?
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Do your answers differ from the way you’ve handled conflicting situations with this person in the past? If so, what will your approach be now?
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Communication
Now that you have planned how you’d like to handle the conflict, it’s important to come up with some ways to express your point of view.
Use the space below to plan how you will communicate the conflict effectively.
At times I feel___________.
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When you___________, I feel___________.
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This bothers me because I value___________.
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How am I helping to cause this problem?
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How can I help so this does not happen in the future?
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How would you like to see this be resolved?
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