Gamechanging is a way to disentangle stubborn family dynamics. It focuses first on understanding the critical aspects of the family through a process of close observation. Once the dynamics are fully mapped, Gamechanging addresses the keystone habits that lock the problematic patterns in place.¹

The goal is to foster positive change in one or two keystone habits that will cascade through the family system.

The Werner family was having difficulty with their family business. Some family members worked in the business and some did not. They had countless arguments about dividends, strategy, and management decisions. The generational transition was not going smoothly, and leaders of both the family and the business were not working well together. It looked like a mess.

Over a full day, we engaged the family in a deep dive using a Gamechanging approach. Within a year of that event, by changing just one keystone habit most of the major problems were resolved. The remaining issues were moving in a much better direction. Because they were focused on changing only one thing, the adjustment was relatively easy to make.

The Setup

The heart of Gamechanging, and the key to its success, lies in deeply observing the “game” itself. The facilitator sets up the conversation by identifying the game that the couple or family is playing. In the example above, the game was called “Family Business.” The facilitator noted that while running the family business was truly serious, it would be helpful to treat it as though it was a game. In light of that, the core observational question was, “How exactly, is the family playing the game of Family Business?”²

The facilitator suggested that, to change the game, the family should uncover game’s core patterns and processes. She stressed that this observation phase was not to lay blame or try to understand the game's history or analyze the game, but to simply observe how it worked. The facilitator noted that the system had evolved as it had for its own reasons but that the way the game was currently played had outlived its usefulness to the family. The objective in this phase was to be purely descriptive—to detail how the game was being played as though it was being explained to a complete stranger.

Step 1: Observe the Game

After the initial setup, the facilitator started to ask questions. Those began with general questions about the game such as: Who plays? What are their roles? Who watches? Who referees? Who is allowed to play the game? After an initial round of baseline questions, the inquiry became more granular: What are the boundaries? What real game is this most like? How are winners and losers decided? What are the explicit rules? What are the implicit rules? When is a “round” over? How do you keep score? How are people penalized? What is the point of the game? Who benefits? Who leaves the field of play? And so on. From there the questions got even more specific.

In asking these questions, the facilitator responds to what emerges and asks questions that organically arise from the observations made in real time. The best questions are short—often, the shorter, the better. Three-word questions are good. Two-word questions are better. The questions will always begin with who, what, and how—and never begin with why.³ The questions are limited only by imagination, and the facilitator will encourage the family members to start asking their own questions.

During this time of exploration, the facilitator uses flipcharts or whiteboards (an even better practice is to bring in a graphic recorder⁴). The goal is to create a visual map or representation of every aspect of the game. It is important to leave nothing out. If it is part of the game, it is recorded on the map.

The couple or family should spend a long time looking at the game. In many families, this can be a two- or three-hour process. With couples, it usually takes about an hour. After an initial rush of observations, things will begin to slow. The facilitator has to ask people to dig deeper. If things begin to stall, the facilitator will ask family members to each write out five new questions that haven't been asked. Often the most critical aspects will be revealed as people break through the obvious observations to new ways of seeing their shared problem.

In facilitating, it is important to avoid blame and judgment. The exercise itself supports this because the complex dynamics are seen in the frame of a game and as an interlocking set of conditions. This objectifies the dynamics; people often feel that the game metaphor distances the system dynamics from personalities. Often couples and families will become fascinated by the game itself and how it is unfolding. They develop insights into themselves and the family that have previously gone unnoticed.

That said, people will sometimes cross the line into an adversarial perspective. It is important for the facilitator to step in quickly to suggest that (1) the game has a life of its own apart from the individuals (it is a system—no one person is at fault), (2) the game had evolved to help the family survive, but the game has outgrown its usefulness, (3) everyone is doing their best, and (4) the point is not to blame people for the history of the game but to look at how to change the game for the future of the family.

The focus must be on the game as an “object”—something that everyone is looking at and trying to understand. A facilitator can also refocus the blaming person on the way they play the game in light of what they are complaining about. This puts the person back into their prefrontal cortex, helps to short-circuit amygdala reactions, and generates some self-reflection on how they are actually participating to perpetuate the patterns.⁵

Step 2: The Pivot

At some point, the couple or the family will have nearly everything out on the table. The entire game has been dissected, and the family can see all of the complexity of the system laid out. No more observation is necessary or helpful. The facilitator will know this has occurred when the family goes quiet with a sense of self-recognition and reflection. They will be done, not because they have reached a limit to their ability to observe, but because they have reached a point of insight and understanding. In our experience, a kind of stillness often descends on the group, and the room becomes deeply reflective.

After this pause, the facilitator will have people study the map for a good 10–15 minutes and then ask the question: “If you could only do one thing to change the entire game, what would it be?”⁶ As each person answers, that person's “one thing” is recorded. Then the family boils these down into two or three core insights. Once these insights are boiled down, the facilitator can help the family develop one to three principles that will “change the game.”

After going through this process, the Werner family had several insights about their Family Business “game.” They realized there were too many cooks in the kitchen, roles were unclear, communication was overly personal, decisions were made based on short-term gain, some family members were disengaged, control was vested in too narrow of a group, and so on. They had identified close to 50 issues. If they had tried to solve each of these one by one, it would not have worked. However, through facilitation, they decided that large pieces of these dynamics could be addressed if they approached the business through one lens and adopted one keystone habit. If they committed to being more professional, many of these issues would be addressed. So the family formally adopted the principle, “We will professionalize.”

After the meeting, things began to change. Because they had only one thing to do—professionalize—they could focus on it and take action. Because it was essential, they were committed to the principle, and because it resulted in some early progress, they referred to it frequently. When a new issue emerged, they would ask how they could handle it professionally. Soon it became second nature.

To professionalize, they brought outsiders into the board, formalized decision-making, created a compensation committee, created more meeting discipline, initiated processes that made sense, and so on. Over one year, the principle, “We will professionalize,” created massive cascading change and changed the game for the Werners. They kept to their agreement to professionalize because it solved so many of their issues and simply felt significantly better to the family. We have seen similar results in other families facing very diverse challenges.

Adopting Gamechanging

If you are interested, we suggest that you adopt Gamechanging in safe environments before launching it into a large family system dealing with complex issues. If you are a family advisor, you might start with a client couple facing a question of adult financial dependence or even an issue within your own team as it deals with a challenging problem. As you do this, be sure to linger in the period of observation. That process will seem slow, but the quality of your results will depend on the depth of your observations. Finding the one thing that will change the system will go much more quickly than the first step, and the development of the principle typically takes only a few minutes.

As you adopt a Gamechaning mindset, you will begin to see applications in multiple areas of your own life, in your family, in the organizations you work with, and for the clients you serve. It is a tool with broad applicability.

Additional Resources

1. James Carse, Finite and Infinite Games: A Vision of Life as Play and Possibility (New York: Free Press, 2011).
2. Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business (New York: Random House, 2012).
3. John Kay, Obliquity: Why Our Goals Are Best Achieved Indirectly (New York: Penguin Press, 2012).
4. Gary Keller, The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results (Bard Press, 2013)
5. Matt Wesley, “When Wolves Change Families,” www.thewesleygroup.com/blog.

Biography

Matthew Wesley is a managing director in the Merrill Center for Family Wealth. He is an internationally recognized practitioner and thought leader on the issues facing financially successful families. With a career that spans 25 years as an estate planning attorney and 10 years as a family advisor, facilitator, and consultant, he helps address the complex issues of generational transition, family culture, and ongoing governance. These issues often affect family enterprise succession, philanthropy, and wealth transfer. He holds a JD from Stanford University and M.Div. from Fuller Theological Seminary.