Index
for change, 168–169
commitment to, 182
activism, scale of, 13
agreement, creating, 10
Alinksy, Saul, Rules for Radicals, 62
Anderson, Ray, 12
apologies/apologizing
coming clean, 117
elements of effective, 114, 115–116
example, 117–121
vulnerability in, 120
aspirations. See future/future aspirations
authenticity
in conversations, 29
definitions/descriptions, 30
dynamic (see dynamic authenticity) static, 33, 39
your notions of, 34–35 See also inauthenticity
background conversations
identifying your, 79
patterns in, 67
pitfalls in, 68–73
transforming, 51–53
ways of being in, 64
baggage of conversations, 41–43, 60, 127. See also conversations; ways of being
bait/bait in the trap acknowledging our, 127
“How to Catch Monkeys” story, 74
identifying the, 74, 78, 79, 175
letting go of the, 80, 108, 164, 170
locating the collective, 169– 170
your relationship to, 162–163 See also pitfalls
Baldwin, Molly, 176–177
barriers to conversations, 125
Bashir, Nadia, 49–50
becoming, 45
being certain, 76, 167–168, 170
being/getting stuck apologizing and, 116
approaches to issues of, 28
collateral damage as cost of, 66
consistency with the past and, 30–31
in conversations, 16, 18–20, 47–48
being/getting stuck costs of, 67, 79
definition, 15
example, 56
getting unstuck, 60, 91–92, 112, 185
pitfalls and bait in, 68–73
pitfalls and pathways of, 62–64
reasons for staying stuck in conversations, 62
responsibility for, 65–66
strategies for unsticking conversations, 21–22
being right, 71, 73, 76, 77, 81, 85, 92, 165–166, 169, 171
being righteous, 75, 76, 77–78, 85, 86, 102, 149, 166–167, 169, 171
being safe, 76–77, 165, 168–169, 170
buddies/coaches, 39
accountability through, 124
benefits of, 113
checking in with, 55
choosing, 37–38
drawing out others’ motivations, 91–92
getting unstuck, 91–92
identifying core tensions, 163
sharing pitfalls in conversations, 127
sharing reflections with, 54
care, spheres of. See spheres-of-care model
certainty/being certain, 76, 170
letting go of, 167–168
change
in approach in conversations, 64
through conversation, 50–51
incremental, 160
shared inquiry for, 156–157
social/environmental, 27
strategies for, 159
taking action for, 168–169 See also movements/causes
change agents, 168–169
choices, influencing others’, 111
clarity, 100–101
climate change examples, 11, 25, 64, 76, 90, 92–93, 117–121, 131, 132, 154–155, 165
coaching buddies. See buddies/coaches collective bait, 169–170
collective conversations, 156–157, 164
collective pitfalls, 164–165, 184
coming clean, 117
compromise/compromising, 136–137, 148, 150
conflict(s), 131, 148, 167. See also tension(s)
connecting/engaging with others, 11, 14, 26, 32, 86–87, 88. See also relationships
consistency with the past, 30–31, 33, 39
content of conversations, 131
contexts
considering your, 36, 88, 125, 142, 149
creating new, 84
for engaging in conversations, 175
inspiration and, 93
of internal motivations, 95
of pitfalls and pathways, 123
polarized, 151
shared, 49
tensions in your, 129–130
way of being in, 75
conversations
acknowledging baggage and bait in, 127
approaching polarized, 130
avoiding/avoided, 4, 14, 19–20, 52, 76–77, 117
background (see background conversations)
being stuck in (see being/getting stuck)
building new, 112
commitment to, 124
contexts for engaging in, 175 (see also contexts)
failed, 58
focusing on real/live, 17
inauthentic, 26
objectivity in, 83
observing, 106
overall tone of, 131
politically charged, 139–141
possibilities for, 183
power of, 10–15
questions to ponder for, 9–10
recycling of, 31
spoken, 57
steps in transforming, 27, 57, 60
transforming background, 51–53, 175–176
two-dimensional, 160
unlocking, 156
core tension, 157–160
creative tension, 162
criminal justice reform, 159
crisis-based strategies, 72
cultural polarization, 137
Cuomo, Chris, 155
default strategies, 15
discomfort, 34
divisiveness, 160
dreams/aspirations, 59. See also future/future aspirations
dynamic authenticity, 31–37, 39
Ecology of Commerce, The (Hawken), 12
Effective Apology (Kador), 113
Efficient IT, 24
Ehrenfield, John, 174
either-or mental model, 146
empathy, 45
empty vessel (possibility), 171–172
endeavors, importance of your, 87
engaging with others, 151
barriers to, 21–22
for commitment to action, 182
through conversations, 156
inspiring, 160
speaking the language of others for, 23–24 See also relationships
environmental, social, and governance (ESG) criteria (example), 143–145
environmental change, 27
exercises
about, 4–6
brainstorming ideas, 149
breaking through gridlock, 3–4
building new conversations, 112
choosing a buddy, 37–38
commitment to action, 182
commitment to conversations, 124
considering others’ values, 142
core tensions in your movement, 163
cost of being stuck, 67
creating a new way of being, 99–100
creating pathways, 180–181
envisioning the future, 172–173
envisioning what you want, 97–98
going beyond one-dimensional conversations, 147–148
identifying stuck conversations, 18–20
identifying the bait, 78
identifying your ways of being, 54
importance of your endeavors, 87
locating the bait, 169–170
locating values in spheres of care, 134
mapping the pitfall, 78–80
meaning of authenticity, 29, 34–35
reframing the problem, 106
spoken conversation, 57
transforming conversations of your movement, 175–176
external motivations, 88, 90–93, 95–96, 108, 115
focus on facts/content of conversations, 131
on future, 149
on impact versus performance, 145
past-centered, 110
shifts in, 105–106
forward pathways, 178–181, 184
framing (translation) strategy, 22–26, 44
frustration, 25
future/future aspirations
alignment of way of being with, 59
changing the, 168
envisioning your, 97–98, 105, 114
expressing what you want for, 96–97
focus on, 149
forward pathways, 178–180
internal barriers to, 125
positive ways of being for, 173
values and, 131–132
vision for, 172–173
Gandhi, Mahatma, 76
getting stuck. See being/getting stuck
Gildersleeve, Melissa, 11–13
breaking tradeoffs between, 149
competing, 147
complementary/common, 159
effectiveness in reaching, 65–66
of others, 25
in sustainability example, 157
group safety, 170
guided meditation, 100–101, 102
Haidt, Jonathan, 139
Hawken, Paul, The Ecology of Commerce, 12
healthcare reform example, 158
Hewlett Packard Enterprise (HPE), 23–24
hidden baggage of conversations, 41–43, 60
hidden competing commitments, 75
honor/integrity, 30
“How to Catch Monkeys” story, 74
HPE (Hewlett Packard Enterprise), 23–24
human trafficking example, 87, 90, 117
imaginary conversations, 113, 121
inauthenticity
bait as creator of, 77
in conversations, 26
identifying, 36
sharing/not sharing and, 88–89
way of being and, 59
your responses to, 34 See also authenticity
influence strategy, 95
Infowars, 161–162
inquiry, 153, 156–157, 180–181
integrity/honor, 30
internal barriers, 125
internal (self-determined) motivations, 86–96, 108
introspection, 45
Jefferson, Thomas, 162
judgmentalism
being judged, 88
judging others, 2, 32, 42, 46–47, 52, 58, 65, 102
self-, 55
justifications. See reasons/rationales/justifications
Kador, John, Effective Apology, 113
Kegan, Robert, 75
Kenney, Sean, 143–145
King, Martin Luther, Jr., 168–169
Lahey, Lisa, 75
Lakoff, George, 23
language, speaking the other person’s, 23–24
LaValle, Joyce, 11–13
letting go of the bait, 80, 108
of being right, 165–166
of being safe, 168–169
of pitfalls, 164
of righteousness, 166–167
for breaking through gridlock, 3–4
for choosing a buddy, 37–38
identifying values, 142
traits of typical environmentalist example, 49–51, 77
live conversations, 52
Lockheed Martin example, 125–126
mapping the pitfall, 78–80
market performance example, 143–144
meaning/purpose, 96
mental model of a trade-off, 144–145, 146
metaphors, 23–24, 62, 64–65, 190
MFS Investment Management example, 143–145
mistrust, 25
MIT Generator series (example), 64
moral foundations model, 142, 151
moral values, 139
motivations external, 88, 90–93, 95–96, 115
hiding from yourself, 92
identifying deeper, 108
internal (self-determined), 86–96, 108
mapping out our, 108
other peoples’ internal, 91
reflecting on our, 90
sharing, 95 See also reasons/rationales/justifications
movements/causes advocating for your, 93
bait and pitfalls in, 164–165
commitments to action, 182
core tensions in your, 163
finding possibility in, 170–172, 174
giving up righteousness of, 167
pitfalls-and-tensions perspective on, 157–160
realist-visionary tensions in, 160–163
reflecting on, 184–185
Roca example, 176–177
social justice, 159
transforming conversations of, 175–176
understanding the importance of our, 87–88
negotiations, 146
objectives. See goals/objectives Olivetti, Elsa, 63
one-dimensional conversations, 143, 147–148, 160
partners, choosing. See buddies/coaches parts-in-wholes in spheres of care, 133–134
past-centered focus, 110
pathways
creating, 156–157
inspiring forward, 160
as new ways of being, 185
through two-dimensional conversations, 161
understanding forward, 178–181, 184
patterns breaking, 50
of communication, 42
noticing your, 87
past, 175
Pence, Mike, 154–155
perspectives, shifts in, 105–106
pitfalls
acknowledging aspects of, 121, 127
common, 81
contexts of, 123
created, 117
in creating forward pathways, 178–181
delusions, 160
divisiveness, 160
emergence of new, 111
identifying, 65, 68–73, 75, 157–160
identifying others’, 110–111
letting go of, 164
mapping, 78–80
as metaphor, 64–65
owning up to your, 122
predictable, 2
recycling through, 68
self-righteousness, 137
as traps, 47, 62 See also bait/bait in the trap
poem (Rumi), 174
polarization
cultural, 137–138
effects of, 25
embracing, 151
framing and, 22–26
of issues, 14
within movements, 184
between our and others’ values, 142
polarized contexts, 151
politically charged conversations, 139–141
possibilities, finding, 170–172, 174
power of conversations, 10–15
power play strategy, 21–22, 95
prejudices, 60
presence/presencing, experience of, 98–99
purpose/meaning, 96
racial bias example, 139–141
rationales. See reasons/rationales/justifications real conversations exercise, 18–20
realist-visionary tensions, 160–163
reasons/rationales/justifications
changing, 95
secondary, 97
writing down your, 90 See also motivations
rebranding the movement/cause, 171
recycling bin example, 84–86, 86–87, 91–92, 95, 103–104, 105, 113, 153–154
reflection/self-reflection
influencing others’, 111
shared, 184
as starting point, 27
using exercises for, 54
on your work/progress, 109–110
reflective work example, 5–6
relationships
barriers to strengthening, 21–22
relationships connecting/engaging with others, 11, 14, 26, 32, 86–87, 88
effects of ways of being on, 119
improving, 27
sharing vision in, 172–173
spheres of care in, 134
tension in, 93
representativeness, 159
resignation, 16
responsibility, for your way of being, 58
retelling stories, 56–57
rewards (bait), what they are not, 74–75
rhetorical strategies, 146
righteousness acknowledging, 149
as bait, 70, 75, 76–78, 81, 131, 171
context of, 165
as pitfall, 137
self-, 42–43, 49, 50, 63, 110, 136, 137
rightness/being right, 71, 73, 76, 77, 81, 85, 92, 169, 171
letting go of, 165–166
Roca, 176–177
Rules for Radicals (Alinksy), 62
Rumi, 174
safety/being safe, 76–77
contexts for, 165
letting go of, 168–169
Scharmer, Otto, 98–99
Schumann, Karina, 113
self-determined (internal) motivations, 86–96, 92
self-interests, 166–167
self-observation, 47
self-reflection. See reflection/self-reflection self-righteousness, 42–43, 49, 50, 63, 110, 136, 137
senior trip example, 117–121
shared contexts, 49
sharing/not sharing how to share, 89
ourselves versus facts, 88
sharing for inspiration, 98
Shroyer, Owen, 139–141, 161–162
social change, 27
social justice movements, 159, 176–177
spheres-of-care model broadening perspective through, 138
considering others’ values with, 142, 151
organization of values around, 132–134
in politically charged conversations, 139–141
rade-offs model for, 136
spoken conversations, 57
static authenticity, 31, 33, 39
storytelling, recounting our stories, 56–57
strategies
for change, 159
compromise, 148
creating new way of being, 105
crisis-based, 72
default, 15
framing, 22–26
impact of your, 170
influence, 95
pathways as, 185
persisting with our, 81
rhetorical, 146
tension due to others’, 151
stuck, being/getting. See being/getting stuck subgroups, 14, 140–141
subtext in conversations, 131
success, keys to, 96
sustainability movement, 157–160, 165, 174
tension(s)
articulating/reflecting on, 173
competing, 33
creative, 33
embracing, 91, 150, 151, 156–157
identifying, 134, 147–148, 185
inner, 32
at movement level, 164
realist-visionary, 160–163
reflecting on core, 169
in relationships, 93
between representativeness and effectiveness, 159
between us and them, 129–131 See also conflict(s)
togetherness, value of, 2
trade-offs breaking, through negotiation, 146
mental model of, 144–145
between needs of individuals and collectives, 136
between our and others’ values, 142
between values or objectives, 130, 136–137, 149
translation (framing) strategy, 22–26, 44
traps. See bait/bait in the trap; pitfalls Trump, Donald, 29, 139–140, 154–155
two-dimensional conversations, 160
typical environmentalist traits example, 50
uncertainty, 168
unlocking conversations, 156
unspoken background conversations, 51–53, 52
values
acknowledging polarization of, 135–141
breaking trade-offs between, 130
competing, 149
considering others’, 142
as core tensions, 163
diversity of, 140
trade-offs between, 130, 136–137, 149
vision
articulating your, 174–175
clarifying your, 185
of future, 172–173
sharing the, 172
visionary tensions, 160–163
vulnerability, 83, 111, 113, 115–116, 120, 154
avoiding conversations (examples), 55–57
awareness of our, 43–46
connecting, 45
contexts for, 75
in conversations, 42
conversations with yourself about, 45–46
creating new, 99–100, 102, 108, 112
effects of background conversations on, 54–55
effects of new, on others, 122–123
embodying your new, 104–105
expressions of, 173
impact of our, 46
inauthenticity and, 59
influencing others’, 111
inquiring, 45
intentionalism in, 121
Lockheed Martin example, 125–126
persisting in, 81
recognizing effects of, 118
responses to your new, 107
transforming your, 50–51
truth in our, 58 See also background conversations; being certain; being/getting stuck; being right; being safe; being righteous
Wilson, Rob, 143–145
writing letters, 117–122
Yates, Laura, 117