CHAPTER 5

BRAIN HACKING

Finding the Treasures in the Box

The very moments . . . we want people to think outside the box, they can’t even see the box.

—RICHARD BOYATZIS

IN THE MIDDLE of my brain is a box full of stories I use to navigate each day of my life (fig. 1). The frame of the box has thickened through the years, protecting my stories and points of view from outside disruption. From the moment I wake up, I know who I am and what I’m supposed to do based on the stories that guide me. I have an “I always wake up early” story I can’t seem to change. I hold my “morning exercise routine” story as sacred for upholding my quality of life at my age. I am open-minded, willing to accept when I judge others incorrectly, but I wrote this book believing my views around coaching are solid. When I realize I don’t have an answer, I quickly check in with my mentors, my books, and my research to maintain my “expert” story.

Figure 1. Box of stories.

There is little I am uncertain about, even when uncertainty swirls around me. I’ll draw on my stories to give meaning to my circumstances, calling my interpretation the truth. Political philosopher Hannah Arendt said, “The need of reason is not inspired by the quest for truth but by the quest for meaning. And truth and meaning are not the same.”¹ The brain seeks to make meaning of events; it doesn’t take time to verify the truth.

You have a box full of stories too. Your stories differ from mine, even if we share similar experiences.

The frame around our stories is woven from strands of our significant life experiences and learnings, forming the meaning we attach to each moment (reality) and how we define ourselves (identity). Because we need a sense of who we think we are and what we call reality to get out of bed in the morning, our frames are fairly solid and stable. In daily conversations, we defend our frames as right for us.

The field inside the frame is our context (fig. 2). Our contextual field holds what we believe is most important (life values) and what we need to feel good about ourselves and our relationships (social needs). Our values and needs define what we perceive as right, wrong, good, and bad in the world. Therefore, our context creates the rules we live by, with some rules being more important than others. These rules also define the standards we would like others to live up to.

Our beliefs, biases, and assumptions come from our experiences but are formed through the filter of our life values and social needs. As we experience life, we pull from our context to make meaning of our situations. The meaning then becomes our stories.

Figure 2. The contextual field inside our frame shapes our stories.

Coaching is best done from the inside out. We listen to our clients’ stories and coach them to examine the beliefs, biases, and assumptions holding their stories together. Coaching at this level can be what clients need to open their minds to new possibilities. When you coach them to see what beliefs and biases no longer serve them, the shift in perspective can be transformational. When the narrative of their stories shifts, they can more confidently plan, make decisions, and promise to take action.

If your clients still feel stuck or hesitant after exploring their beliefs and are willing to go deeper, look at how their life values and social needs play into their stories. The exploration can surface conflicts of values, fears, and what clients really want but have resisted articulating, leading to a new awareness and choices for action. These revelations can expand their sense of self and reality, making changes to their frames. The crack or expansion of the frame is what we call a breakthrough.

Coaching can be effective at all these levels—story, context, and frame—depending on what clients want and are ready to see.

COACHING THE STORY

Because our brains don’t like uncertainty and are adept at assigning meaning to our moments, we instantly compose stories using our beliefs, biases, and assumptions. Some stories are laced with fears. Some are lined with desires and hopes. Our stories then become memories and float in the contextual field inside our frames (fig. 3). We access these narratives to give definition and direction in the moment.

We believe in the stories we tell, even though they are built on subjective elements. Jonathan Gottschall, author of The Storytelling Animal, says, “For humans, story is like gravity: a field of force that surrounds us and influences all of our movements. But, like gravity, story is so omnipresent that we are hardly aware of how it shapes our lives.”² We unconsciously navigate our days based on the stories we recall.

Because of our protective instincts, we rarely evaluate and change our stories on our own. However, when someone else summarizes, paraphrases, and repeats back to us the words we say and the pictures we draw, we are able to see our stories as if they were laid out in front of us, outside our heads.

Figure 3. Stories give meaning to the moment.

Coaching at the story level is a good place to start. When listening to a client’s story, the coach can pinpoint key beliefs holding the story together. The coach can also see and inquire about gaps in logic and unverified assumptions that paralyze action.

Without going deeply into values and needs, coaching the story can surface unsubstantiated fears and unspoken desires. Coaching the story often leads to more options for action than what clients thought they had to choose from. The verbalization might clarify the choice the client wants to make but is avoiding the discomfort of making.

Examining how beliefs and assumptions are holding their stories together are the most accessible part of clients’ narrative. After scrapping or modifying old beliefs and unverified assumptions, clients often feel a sense of relief. They might claim they had a breakthrough; they broke through the limits of their stories. They see a way forward with more peace of mind.

The quickest way to shift your clients’ perception of a situation is to coach them to sort through the beliefs and assumptions shaping their dilemma. The clarity this coaching creates may be all they need to confidently move forward.

Beliefs and Assumptions

Offering what you hear as a belief or assumption and asking clients how they know it is true can reveal another possibility of what is true. Some assumptions were made to make sense of the circumstances but haven’t been verified. Some beliefs can be seen as irrational when held out for examination. The narrative then changes, which can be enlightening and even life changing.

It has been said, “The smallest change in perspective can change a life.” Coaching helps clients question their beliefs about current and future circumstances. A new awareness can broaden what they believe is possible to create and what is required to achieve what they want. This reflection can lead to an expanded or different story that changes their life choices.

Biases

Beliefs are often based in bias, both conscious (implicit) and unconscious (explicit). Bias is a tendency to stereotype and judge people or things. Biases can shield us from harm. They also distance us from others and short-circuit our empathy.

Sometimes we are conscious of our biases. We staunchly defend them, believing we are right, with or without evidence. If a bias is tied to a life value, such as the importance of having a work ethic or the need to prioritize family over work, we either expect others to believe as we do or, when motivated to understand, accept that other people have different values from us.³

With coaching, we hope to bring client biases to light, especially if they are hindering our clients from achieving their goals. Clients who aspire to be good leaders, parents, or humans might be open to examining the validity of their biases. In addition to coaching, respectful dialogue among people with different perspectives can also change minds.

Derek Black, the godson of David Duke, was heir apparent to his father’s white nationalism movement—until he went to college. After a series of dinners and dialogues initiated by an Orthodox Jew, Black published a letter saying, “I can’t support a movement that tells me I can’t be a friend to whomever I wish or that other people’s races require me to think of them in a certain way or be suspicious at their advancements.”⁴ The dinner conversations weren’t full of hate and finger-pointing. The intent of the participants was to know each other better. Friendships formed between people who once saw each other as enemies because they were open to exploring their biases.

Unconscious bias is often referred to as a blind spot. Typical unconscious biases relate to attitudes about age, race, nationality, gender, religion, and lifestyle choices. The impact of biases ranges from simply annoying others with our pet peeves and opinions to motivating us to seriously harm others. If we hold a position of power over others, we may limit their opportunities and choices based on the judgments created from our biases.

Bringing an unconscious bias to light might be enough, giving clients a chance to consider holding on or letting go. They may need time to think about the revelation, especially if they feel embarrassed or sad about their past actions. If they choose to retain their biases regardless of alternative evidence presented, they may need to consider how they will manage the impact of expecting others to have the same beliefs. They might be able to release some expectations that others think as they do; this is a good first step. Even the slow release of thinking everyone should have the same bias is a powerful transformation.

Listen for your clients’ beliefs, biases, and assumptions. Offer what you perceive for their confirmation or rebuttal. Your coaching will go deeper as you explore how your clients think instead of focusing on finding solutions. Fears and unspoken desires might emerge, opening new doors where the walls seemed intact. When this happens, you become a true thinking partner.

COACHING THE CONTEXT

Our context is defined by the rules and standards that define our lives (fig. 4). To get through the day, you have a strong sense of how the world ought to work and how other people should behave. These concepts come from what we believe is most important to focus on in our lives—our values—and what we need to feel good about ourselves and our relationships—our social needs.

When coaching clients to examine the beliefs shaping their stories, you might discover the life values and social needs that formed the beliefs. Positions of power and privilege, cultural norms, and things that make us happy and feel successful shape what we think is important to have. They also create judgment and fear, two emotions that keep us locked in the stories we live by.

Figure 4. Our stories sit in a contextual field of life values and social needs.

Our brains would rather validate our values and needs than question them; questioning the rules we live by can feel scary. Psychologist Joshua Aronson said, “Fear is the enemy of curiosity.”⁵ Coaching can override the fear of confronting values and needs. Using reflective inquiry, we question beliefs and, as Dewey said, “In the suspense of uncertainty, we metaphorically climb a tree.”⁶ From this perspective, clients feel more detached when examining their thinking and they are more open to learning.

Social Needs

I laugh to myself whenever I hear someone say, “I don’t like needy people.” As a social animal, you have needs. The reason you are needy is because social needs fuel your drive to connect with others and flourish.

On the positive side, social needs are the drivers of success. My need for attention helps me succeed as a writer, teacher, and public speaker. My need for recognition drives my desire to do good work. My need for control helps me run a successful business.

Your needs, along with your values, mold your identity. You discovered and integrated early in life what helps you thrive. You found what enables you to be seen and recognized or what keeps you from standing out if being seen feels unsafe. You learned what you are good at that makes you feel worthwhile. As you matured, you identified what boundaries make your work and life feel comfortable, whether you hold people to these boundaries or not. Your identity includes what you think you need from other people, such as respect, recognition, a sense of order, control, being liked, or independence.

On the shadow side, the rejection or violation of a social need may trigger a range of emotions, including fear, anger, vengefulness, disappointment, frustration, and sadness. We react emotionally when we don’t get what we expect. We need to examine why we expected to get our need met, and even dispute the assumptions that created what we feel is an unmet need, to be free to see what is most productive to do next.

When you notice your clients negatively shift when telling their story, seek to understand what social need they expected to be fulfilled or what they need but fear won’t materialize. They might show resentment and judge other people’s behavior as negative without evidence. Or they might give in, saying, “It will never change. I just have to live with it” or “Screw them. I’ll get what I should have gotten elsewhere.”

Needs are not bad. The reason we have needs is that at some point in our lives, a need served us. For example, your experiences may have taught you that success in life depends on maintaining control, establishing a sense of safety in your environment, and having people around you who appreciate your intelligence. Behavior is often motivated by getting your needs met. You are most happy when your family and colleagues meet your needs, even if just a little.

However, the more you are attached to having a need met in a situation, the more your brain will be on the lookout for people who might not give you what you need. They might even ridicule your need. When you speculate you won’t get what you need, or you think you are being negatively judged for having a need, you emotionally react.

At this point, you must judge what is real about others’ intentions and the impact their behavior has on you. Are they actively denying your need, or are you taking the situation too personally? You might realize their intentions were good, even if the impact was not.

Without consciously acknowledging the needs that trigger our emotional reactions, we become enslaved to the needs. On the other hand, when we honestly declare our needs—that we had expected people to treat us in a particular way and had hoped events would unfold as we had planned—we can choose to let people know what we expected from them and then ask for what we need. Or if we really didn’t experience a loss, we can breathe and let the need go.

The following list includes some of the most common emotional triggers, meaning we react when we feel as though we aren’t getting or will not get one of these social needs:⁷

The first step in helping clients articulate their needs is to notice their emotional reactions and shifts, especially if their tone turns negative. They might get angry or sad when explaining what they hoped would transpire. Listen for statements such as “They promised me,” “How could they make that decision?” “He’s clueless,” “She did it again,” or even “I’m tired” and “I’m sick of this place.” Encourage your clients to discuss their feelings. What was the betrayal? What was so disrespectful? What was annoying or unbelievable? Letting clients process their emotions will help them understand the unfulfilled needs that triggered their reactions.

When they discover the unmet need, invite your clients to choose one of these options. Ask, “Can you

• ask for what you need?” (For example, to be heard, for a little recognition, or to be included in a decision.)
• get your need met elsewhere?”
• learn from the experience and move on?” (For example, What do you want to develop or accept? What is based on an old story you no longer need to tell? Can you let go of something so you don’t feel stuck?)

Be careful you don’t judge your clients’ needs. Some of these needs will mirror your own; others will not. Clients may have needs you think are trivial. These needs are important to them. Don’t make light of what they need.

You are needy. I am needy. Your clients will all be needy. Our brains are often plotting to get what we need. We avoid, rebel against, or attempt to emotionally detach from those who don’t give us what we need, including family. Talking about emotions and needs brings clarity on what we have to resolve to move forward.

Life Values

Your strongly held beliefs about what is most important are your values. They are the most stable elements in your contextual field. Your values direct your choices of work, friends, relationships, and a desired future. You are generally happy if you live in alignment with your values.

Some values hold more weight than others, and values can change in priority over time. Events and age will change your perspective on what you hold most dear. As I grow older, activities that improve my health hold more value. Since I have no children and my parents have passed away, my value for family has weakened and my value for friendship has increased. These days, my passion for learning is greater than the desire for winning that drove me in my twenties and thirties. Bringing values to light in a coaching conversation can help clients realize what values are growing in strength and which ones are receding.

The desired outcomes of a coaching session should reflect something your clients value, such as having more love, peace, adventure, freedom, achievement, balance, or success. Once your clients articulate what they want as a coaching outcome, you will explore why this outcome is important to them, especially now. To feel satisfied and happy, what they want will be in alignment with a life value now or in a defined future.

Here is a list of common life values:

The downside of values is their rigidity. If you believe others should have values similar to yours, you might not be able to connect and collaborate with those who have different values, whether at work or at home. I often find in coaching that when clients can’t accept other people’s or an organization’s values, they hold on tightly to what they believe is right and resist seeing another way forward. They won’t compromise. They only want to convince others their values are wrong. All I can do as their coach is to reflect their stance. They have to decide what to do with the impasse.

Share what you notice about their behavior and explore the impact on their work, their relationships, their health, and their desires. They may shift or choose to do something else in time—or not.

A. H. Almaas says in his book The Unfolding Now, “As we become more and more attuned to what is happening in our experience, our capacity to understand ourselves at increasingly subtler levels continues to develop.”⁸ Your clients learn about themselves and expand their frames when exploring beliefs, emotional expressions, unmet needs, and values conflicts. This process can happen many times in a person’s life as the meanings of significant events unfold.

Clients will give you everything you need to coach them. Their thoughts have been circulating in their heads. When you obstruct this thinking process with reflective inquiry, the obstruction causes them to pause, step back, and explore their thinking—the beliefs, fears, incongruities in values and desires, and needs related to their dilemma. They see their stories in a new way. This brain hacking provides the new perspective clients need to formulate a different view of their situations and see new ways to move forward. Here are some tips to help you disrupt your clients’ thinking so they are willing and able to use a new perspective to achieve their desired outcomes.

1. Resist judging the beliefs shaping clients’ stories. Be open to your clients’ interpretations of their dilemmas. Let them tell the full story, at least until they start repeating themselves. Listen for words they emphasize and key words such as really, but, and should. Actively replay what you hear and notice to help them pare their story down to the essential elements. Start your sentences with phrases such as “So I heard you say you think the reason this is happening is . . .” or “You got very angry (excited, quiet, defensive, etc.) when you described . . .” Make sure your tone is encouraging and inquisitive. Keep your opinions, judgments, and analysis out of the conversation. Releasing judgment builds the trust necessary for clients to jump in and explore with you.
2. Notice their emotional reactions and shifts. They will get angry or sad when explaining what they hoped would transpire. Listen for statements such as “they promised me . . . ,” “I can’t work under these circumstances,” “It’s happening again,” or even “that’s it. I’m done.” encourage your clients to discuss what they hoped would happen but didn’t. What made the situation uncomfortable or awful? Once the unmet need is identified, clients can then choose to work on getting their needs met or on letting them go. They might decide to live with an unmet need for now if it leads to a better future.
3. Affirm clients’ efforts and intentions, especially if these relate to their life values. You encourage disclosure when you sincerely share, “I know you are trying to be the best leader you can be,” “You worked hard to give your children opportunities,” or “I can tell you are committed to getting the best results on this project.” this allows you to explore what needs to be resolved to be in alignment with clients’ values and which consequences would be difficult to live with. If clients indicate they have tried all the options they know of and are willing to take, you can ask, “If you have done your best with what you know, what is in your control to do now?” When clients confidently make choices on their own, they no longer feel stuck.