6

Relationships Are Everything

It’s true what they say about its “being lonely at the top.” Leadership can be isolating when you need to make tough decisions and deal with unsettling reactions from peers and team members. Facing organizational changes, taking on new challenges, and confronting barriers at work can be intimidating, so much so that you shy away from engaging even when you know you deserve and are capable of more. Preparing yourself mentally for these situations by working through them with your key confidantes and allies will profoundly impact on your courage, confidence, and ability to dig your heels in.

Discovering, developing, and maintaining relationships have been core to the best moments in my life, and I would guess yours as well. We need others to lean on who can relate to our pain, our joy, and even our confusion about what to do next. The times when my relationships have really helped me thrive are during life-stage changes and job transitions. Becoming a parent may be the most obvious life-stage change that impacts on women at work, but caring for aging parents, getting married, or moving in with a partner are also critical times of personal flux when a shoulder to lean on is key. Despite the many resources and networks available online, women still struggle to develop a strong network of friends (both men and women) who have managed similar life and career transitions.

Someone once gave Stephanie Epstein of BlackRock this advice about career transitions: “If you have role, content, and firm, you want to change only one of those at any given time.” Well, at one point in her career she changed two, shifting to a marketing role for which she had to learn new content.

I had to build something completely different, and it was kind of like jumping off a ledge a little bit. You have to put one step in front of the other, but you need a support system to do that. For me, it was the power of my network. I had a bunch of senior women that I tapped into on my own when I joined the marketing team to get good advice about working in a decentralized matrix.

Stephanie’s network included women she had known since starting at the firm and colleagues whom she didn’t see often but who she knew would be honest with her about her blind spots during this job transition.

I could ask from their experience, “How do you get all these people together?” and “How do you create a culture of transparency and collaboration?” I got great insights even if the person was in a different part of the organization, and applied it to marketing.

In an ideal world, we would have the time to shadow, develop new skills, and reflect on personal and professional goals in advance of an official job start date. But often there is only a short window (if any at all) to prepare beforehand, and those first few months are very disorganized and overwhelming. This is why women need to prioritize relationships during these key moves—to help us find our feet in our new roles and provide us the emotional support and air cover needed to maintain our other priorities.

Allies, sponsors, mentors, and coaches are all critical to digging your heels in. You need women and men at all levels of your company to care about you, your career ambitions, and your case for change. You can’t do it on your own. I also think it’s important to have key confidantes who hold similar responsibilities in their career but work outside your company; talking freely with them about people and problems is easier, as they aren’t in the uncomfortable position of working directly with you (or others in your business). In the next section, we’ll look at the who’s who in your career along with the upside and tripwires of developing those relationships.

Connecting with Key People

There are several core types of relationships that you should invest in. Carve out time to understand their general purpose and evaluate what relationships you feel are lacking in your professional life. The goal of building a network of people who support you and you can support back in return takes time and intention. You must cultivate those relationships so that you can turn to them in situations where you need them. Many times, in interviews with working women of all ages, they report these questions and statements that intimidate them and leave them feeling overwhelmed.

Is anyone on my side?

I don’t know what the right thing is to do or who can help me.

How do I get—and stay—connected with people who can help?

Forget thriving—I’m still struggling to feel included.

Women face unique challenges in creating networks and building powerful, trusted relationships, largely because established networks and ways of making connections don’t cater to them. Did you know that 89 percent of women don’t have a sponsor to move them forward in their careers, 68 percent lack mentors, and 61 percent lack role models?¹ In networking, just as in business, it is still, unfortunately, a man’s world. This is just one of the reasons why it’s so important for all of us to dig our heels in to change the status quo.

Strong relationships with influential advocates are must-haves for securing stretch assignments, receiving clear feedback, claiming your ambition, and advancing to your potential. They’re also literally one of the best things in life. The first step is understanding the different types of relationships you need to cultivate.

Role Models

Role models are people who hold values similar to yours and whose personal and professional achievements excite and inspire you. You can learn a great deal from them from afar by emulating their behaviors and actions. But by investing time in building closer relationships, you gain a remarkable source of guidance.

In her former life in the military, associate dean at Tufts University Diane Ryan was very grateful for the few female role models she had during Desert Storm. Diane was in a task force of five thousand people where she was one of only three women. They lived in a giant warehouse complex with just one outdoor area with plywood latrines and a shower designated for the three of them.

We used to call it walking the gauntlet to where the bathroom was because you’d have to pass through these open bays of dozens of guys sitting out there chilling or playing catch. You could feel the eyes following you as you walked by. The two women that were with me, they were ten or fifteen years older than me and even though I technically outranked them they definitely took me under their wing. They were very seasoned and wise to the ways of the world and they were indispensable in role-modeling how to ignore the stares and project confidence. We called it the “Don’t F with Me” attitude. I never felt unsafe because of them. I’m grateful to their example of what amazingly strong, awesome, kick-ass women look like. There are different personal and professional attributes and accomplishments that different people can inspire you with. No one person typically embodies everything you dream for yourself so look around and intentionally learn about the stories of diverse women and men who can inspire your outlook for the future.

Mentors and Mentees

Mentors are people who can guide you and coach you. They are there to answer career questions and offer wisdom on life, too. I recommend seeking out mentors whose personal mission aligns with yours, but who come from different career backgrounds; this offers you a broad range of experience and greater likelihood that your mentors have been exposed to the scenarios you may discuss, which means that they can provide you with more nuanced advice.

Connecting with and mentoring women who are earlier in their careers, as I discussed in the fourth big bold move, is also valuable—and not just for them. You should always have a sounding board in your company who is at an earlier stage than you, someone who can offer a fresh perspective on a situation because they probably have never faced it. Don’t underestimate how much reverse mentoring can do for you when you are the more senior professional. You’ll be surprised how much your work with mentees can inspire your own actions and help you navigate tough decisions. Mentor relationships are always a two-way street, so be sure to give a heads-up in advance of your meetings about the topics you’d like to cover. If you just want to share a couple of recent work scenarios to ask them for feedback or advice, then drop that in a note too.

Sponsors

Relationships with sponsors create real career traction. These individuals are the ones who can position you for more money and promotions. They are senior leaders in a place to advocate on your behalf and who are willing to put their reputation on the line for you. A key to securing sponsors is demonstrating your value and delivering consistently high-performance results. You have to be visible across your organization and seek out opportunities where more people are exposed to your strengths, your perspective, and your goals. How can you make yourself and your capabilities known so it can attract potential sponsors?

In the very early stages of Susan Axelrod’s career when she was a lawyer at the New York Stock Exchange, the backing of a sponsor made all the difference in moving her along her professional trajectory.

I gave a lot of tours on the trading floor, and one day, the president of the NYSE said to me, “We should have lunch.” He wasn’t someone that I knew. He had observed me, I guess, bringing a lot of people down to the floor, being proud of the institution, as we all were.

I didn’t know what to do. Because what do you do when you’re seven levels below the person who says, “Let’s have lunch”? I wanted to crawl into a hole. But instead, I went to someone who was a tremendous mentor to me and asked, “What do you think about this?”

He said, “I think you should email him.” I said, “Well, I don’t even know how to handle it.” And he said again, “Just email him.” So I emailed him: “You had mentioned to me about potentially getting together for lunch. I just wanted to follow up. I’m available, and I’m happy to work with your assistant.”

We had lunch after that, about once a month every year until he retired. And he is now almost eighty years old, and I still see him several times a year at a diner. If I had not followed up on that one comment, I never would’ve had one of the best professional relationships I’ve had in my career and life.

Susan’s example of sponsorship evolved from being visible in areas at work where she could interact with people of different levels then follow through when an opportunity to build a relationship with someone in an influential position offered to learn more about her. Sponsors can offer you candid feedback on your potential, advice on specific experiences you must pursue to advance, but also must have influence on the decisions that impact on your career. Research has found that women are overmentored and undersponsored and that they also overmentor and undersponsor other women.² So you have a dual task here: to earn sponsorship for yourself and also to proactively look for female protégées. In my workshops at numerous corporations, I continue to find that “sponsorship” is a vague and poorly understood concept. In particular, leaders tend not to treat sponsoring people who are different from them as a core competency. Maybe that’s why men are 46 percent more likely to have a sponsor than women.³ This difference adds up over time, as the field narrows and the cumulative effects of sponsorship leading to promotions continue to build.

Women are also more likely to look for sponsors who are also role models, which prevents them from fully connecting with sponsors who are not perfectly aligned with them and utilizing their strength. Finally, women are less likely to utilize the networks and sponsors they do have for self-promotion and advancement, believing that leveraging work relationships is “unbecoming” or “unfair.”⁴ Believe me, it is not. In larger organizations, you may need one sponsor who is an outsider and two who are insiders, one in your line of reporting and one in a different department or division.

As a sponsor to other women, you must understand the responsibilities in your role that can provide air cover for them and help them take on new challenges and risks to grow their impact. As a partner at PwC who actively sponsors upcoming female and diverse candidates, Vartika Prasad emphasized,

You need to get deep into the story of a person to both have their back and also to push their limits. You need to understand what motivates them, what are their short-term and long-term goals and be honest in your feedback to them. Most importantly, as a representative of female, diverse, working mom candidates, when you have earned a seat at the decision table, you should effectively use that as a platform to funnel up what you have learned from others and how your organization can help them.

Personal Champions and Allies

These are the people who lift you up when you need an immediate boost—your supporters, people who are committed not only to your success but also to your well-being. They can also be the people with whom you have shared significant experiences, so that even if you don’t see each other often, there is enough mutual respect and camaraderie that they always have your back.

Michelle Carnahan of Sanofi says you need two kinds of supporters: emotional and intellectual.

In the whole emotional supporter piece, for me, for my professional career that has always been James, my husband. “You can do it. Don’t let those guys at work get you down. They were wrong and you were right–whether that was the case or not.” Nobody has been that more for me than him. Everybody’s got to have one of those. It’s a total emotional fix. And sometimes there’s some intellect with it and sometimes there isn’t. But that emotional supporter is that person who can get you back to that place of where you believe you can take on the world.

And then there are the individuals who I think are the intellectual supporters. These are the people who can validate your work and your impact: “Yes, that was a real contribution you made, and we need to highlight that, and we need to find ways to replicate it in the organization.” Or “You know what, no, you may have been in the wrong in playing out that situation.” It is important that your intellectual supporters will tell you how it is with facts and feedback–the good and the bad.

One important point that Michelle reinforced about finding these champions is that you have to play that role for someone else first! Anybody who wants that kind of emotional or intellectual support needs to show up similarly for somebody else. Doing so starts a chain reaction, and a champion will come to your side because he or she trusts you to do the same.

Cultivating Key Relationships with Men

As we women are fully aware, the majority of leadership positions are held by men. That is why we need their support, partnership, and sincere commitment to help us advance to positions of equal influence. Bringing men in as allies, mentors, and sponsors is not just a “nice-to-have.” It’s a necessity.

In my life and career, I have had a number of phenomenal male mentors and found powerful support from male colleagues. New research has found, however, that in the wake of the #MeToo movement, with innumerable instances of sexual misconduct in the workplace finally coming to light, male managers are now three times more likely to say they are uncomfortable mentoring women.⁵ So how do we talk to men about being an ally, mentor, sponsor, or champion in our careers and visibly in our companies?

First, we must ensure that safety, comfort, and respect are present in every mentor relationship. You can champion this concept across your organization and help more men become aware of the following straightforward steps they can take to be our allies.

How Men Can Be Respectful Allies, Mentors, and Sponsors to Women without Fear

Establish consistent standards and policies across genders. Men should follow the same policies for meeting with a female mentee as they would for meeting with a male mentee. If a man feels more comfortable meeting with a woman in a public space during work hours, then that is how he should meet with men as well. Having different rules for men and women can end up putting female colleagues at a disadvantage by limiting their opportunities and access to more senior leaders.

Educate yourself on communication styles and implicit biases beforehand. A study found that men are responsible for 70 percent of gender-based interruptions.⁶ So, men, please don’t interrupt! Keeping this unsupportive action in mind during a meeting can help men avoid certain noninclusive behaviors that perhaps they haven’t thought of or realized took place.

Establish trust up front. Ask about the mentee’s experiences and listen closely without judgment. You may be totally unaware of the barriers she is facing at work and how the culture perpetuates them.

Focus on goals and competencies. Make sure that professional growth and development is a top priority for mentor meetings and that the compliments and feedback provided to women focus on professional skills and talents.

Be aware of positional bias. According to Harvard’s global online research study, 76 percent of people (both men and women) are gender biased and think of men as more well equipped for a career and women better suited as homemakers.⁷ Do you hold certain ideas about which gender is better suited for certain roles on your team? Positional bias may contribute to the lack of women whom men champion and sponsor for leadership positions.

Be conscious of reactions and judgments when women speak up. Women’s perceived competency drops by 35 percent and their perceived worth by $15,088 when they are seen as “forceful” or “assertive.”⁸ Do you react differently or do certain thoughts come to mind when a woman speaks up or disagrees with you, compared to a man? Keep this in mind and speak out if you notice people reacting differently to women than men for similar behavior.

If the men you interact with express hesitation or imply that they feel intimidated in the current climate, suggest reverse mentoring. A reverse mentor is a person, usually in a more junior position, who takes on the role of mentor to a more “experienced” person for the overall purposes of sharing diverse perspectives, mutual learning, and developing skills. Both mentor and mentee benefit. In this case, men would be “reverse-mentored” by women and diverse individuals to understand their experiences at work, the barriers they face, and how men can be stronger allies in the workplace.

Bob Redman is a product director in the Oncology Division at Lilly and a leader in an internal “Men as Allies” initiative. His response to the #MeToo movement and all the stories that have come out of it is to utilize reverse mentoring to become a stronger, more visible ally to the women he works with. He believes that the more we learn about people who may be experiencing a different reality within company walls, the more comfortable we should feel engaging with them. It all comes down to whether you truly care enough about people to get to know them on a deeper level.

The sudden awareness that there are experiences at my company that I have never dealt with, being the most average of white males, really impacted me. Of course, I am not naïve to the injustices that occur outside of these walls, but I definitely was naïve that this happens within these walls. “Not at Lilly–we are all so nice, right?” Even realizing something as simple as the fact that I never have to deal with walking into a room and feeling like I am the only one there who looks like me was a powerful awakening.

Becoming involved in “Men as Allies” first and foremost was a bit selfish; I just wanted to learn more. It grew into wanting to ensure I am always aware and always empathetic to the experiences of my peers and coworkers. As I’ve become more engaged, I have learned that for true change to take place, everyone needs to be on board, including the “white guys.” This personal journey has introduced me to the concept of reverse mentoring, which I have recently put into practice. This is an actionable way to engage with people who do not look like me or come from different backgrounds, with the intent of simply broadening my perspective.

As you seek out male mentors and invest time in building supportive connections, be forthright and acknowledge that you want to ensure that these are mutually beneficial relationships. You can share the advice offered in this section in an effort to be transparent about what would make you feel comfortable, and ask these men how you can offer the same support to them.

Handling Oppositional Relationships

Conflict is always a source of great stress. It can chip away at our confidence in our decisions, block our focus, and, worse, prevent us from being happy at work. There are four rules I’ve learned about managing conflictual situations with integrity and authenticity (not easy by any stretch, but having some guidelines will help steady yourself to move forward):

1. Approach the person directly and ask for a private discussion. Don’t gossip or let the issue fester.

2. Focus on behavior and events, not on personality traits or assumptions about the person’s intentions.

3. Listen carefully and keep an open mind to what the other person shares about his or her view of the situation. Acknowledge that you hear the person and that your wish is to improve your working relationship.

4. Know when to involve a third party. If something truly destructive is occurring, you should speak up and address it with the appropriate individuals. Review your company’s open-door HR policies to be clear on what to do if a serious line is crossed.

Have you ever faced a situation at work where you felt betrayed by a female colleague?

Personally, I have found that conflicts with women have a harsher sting than those with men because I unconsciously place more expectations on my female colleagues and leaders. I’ve learned in my research that this is a problem I need to overcome and one I want to help you intentionally resolve. We must take each situation at its face without adding emotional details and overthinking the matter at hand.

Gender bias is the most significant culprit in fueling conflict among women. In her book, What Works for Women at Work, Joan C. Williams, a distinguished professor of law, mother, and director of the Center for WorkLife Law at the University of California, reviewed hundreds of experimental social psychology studies. She concluded that there are four patterns of gender bias that shape today’s workplace challenges: the tightrope, prove-it-again, the maternal wall, and tug of war. For example, the tug of war pattern defines the issue where women receive the message that there is room for only one woman at the top, and that triggers intense competition. I would strongly encourage you to read more about these four patterns and the reference for Joan’s book is in the chapter 6 action summary.

In my experiences researching barriers to women’s advancement and interviewing many women at different stages of their career about gender bias, here are three common themes and proven strategies for breaking the patterns that pit women against one another:

Prove It Again. This was a pattern that Joan C. William’s identified in her work, which I also found to be highly prevalent and derailing within multi-generation dynamics in the workplace. The older women in an organization can appear to apply harsher standards to younger women. These more experienced women may project the feeling that there is only one way to succeed as a woman, because that is what they had to do, and they have concluded that this is the only way things can be done.

This situation can surface, for example, when, in their pursuit of more flexibility or longer parental leave, millennial women feel unsupported by the more tenured women in their organizations. It’s a classically difficult situation because both groups of women feel that their identity and choices are in question.

As a junior professional, do not assume that your more experienced female leaders have it all figured out. After decades of taking on these issues, senior-level women are still navigating tripwires and serious challenges daily, so it’s important that you understand why they may have their guard up. Try to separate their support for you from their lack of support for the situation, and know that it is important to help them better understand the impact change will have on you and other women in the organization. We need them (and men) to see the value in evolving the work culture, benefits, and day-to-day practices that are most biased against women. Get your data straight on the situation at hand, with proof points about your perspective and needs as well as the benefits to the company. Set up time to address them directly with the woman leader you perceive as unsupportive of your pursuits. Express your appreciation for her example in changing the role of women at your company, but be firm about how much more you would appreciate her advocacy in achieving a better standard for you and women to come.

Queen Bee. Many women have approached me in frustration when they feel that their work environment is a breeding ground for gender-based competition that feeds on individual narcissism. Have the courage to break these patterns and approach a woman who you feel is competing with you to come out on top, and deal with her directly. Here is how I would suggest respectfully approaching your colleague: “It is my perception—and I may be wrong—but I think there is some friction in our relationship. I have every intention of being supportive of you, so if I have done something to the contrary or implied otherwise by my actions, please let me know. Can we talk this out?”

Gossip Girls. Gossip can escalate perceptions about women who are champions for the success of all women versus those who appear to want to win solo at all costs. As I mentioned in chapter 5, gossiping lacks decency and can destroy the inclusive company culture you are digging your heels in to build. Don’t be quick to judge other women. Aim to respect one another’s experiences and decisions and try your best to help them understand your situation and your convictions about what you believe you deserve at work. Encourage other women to work through their conflicts with one another directly. If you hear rumors about a woman or overhear a conversation, you can say, “I wonder if we would dissect a man over behaviors like these.” When a friend confides in you about her challenges, try to help her get to the other side with her female colleague or boss without resorting to gossip and derogatory language.

The simple truth is that no woman can change her organization alone. We need each other, and supporting one another is critical to this movement.

Mapping Your Network

What does your network currently look like? List all of the people in your network and categorize them as Sponsor, Mentor, Ally, Role Model, Mentee, or Protégée. If any one category is blank, consider whom you can begin developing a relationship with to fill that hole. If you don’t know the person yet, don’t let that be a barrier. BlackRock’s Stephanie Epstein says that the best approach is to find a way to connect with her or him in person and say, “I am coming to you because I admire your work. I have a lot to learn, and I want to talk to you about what you think it means to be successful here.” And, most important, follow up! After your initial meeting, make sure to schedule your next one so that the relationship doesn’t languish.

Three Tips for Building Relationships

1. Take the initiative. Recognize that 80 percent of the responsibility for growing and maintaining relationships with sponsors and mentors falls to you as the protégée or mentee.

2. Keep your sponsor or mentor updated. Let her or him know about your successes and what is going on in your life. Why? Because she or he takes pride in seeing what you accomplish!

3. Support the members of your network. Go to their events, like their posts, wish them a happy birthday, send handwritten cards and notes of encouragement. Offer to lend a hand or spread the word about the work or causes they care about.

Exercise: Power Positioning

Feedback as Opportunity

You may know that investing in better feedback can have dramatic results. But did you know that soliciting feedback is also a wonderful way to build stronger relationships with the people in your network?

Feedback is an underutilized tool for career management and a conversation tactic that most people actively avoid. There is a fear of hearing something that may disappoint or discourage you, and embarrassment may be the result. This can hold managers back from giving it and from individuals pursuing it. Yet, healthy and productive work relationships are created and strengthened by clear and consistent feedback to help one another grow to achieve their goals. Sadly, there is a feedback gap when it comes to women. Many executives face great challenges giving feedback to female and nonwhite candidates coming up the line. That is because most executives are white males, and although white males are good at talking to and advising other white males, they are often afraid to give candid feedback to women or people of color.

When you actively solicit feedback from the people who can influence your career, it is a signal to them that you respect their opinion and are eager to grow and advance. They will appreciate your vulnerability, admiration, and drive, making them more apt to want to help you, especially if you use those conversations to be specific about the ways you want to grow and improve. What’s more, the intimacy and vulnerability of the feedback process will strengthen your unique bond with the person giving you the feedback and make her or him more invested in your success.

Sandra Altine, managing director for diversity and inclusion at Moody’s, believes that women’s receiving constructive feedback will be one the of the key drivers of change toward equal representation.

I work with all generations of women (boomers to millennials), and I’ve learned firsthand what challenges continue to persist in the pursuit of transformation. For women, and women of color in particular, to progress, it’s paramount that these barriers be removed. One of the key drivers of this change is ensuring women receive feedback.

According to Sandra, feedback that is clear, specific, and direct and that focuses on an individual’s strengths and development areas is what will help with the change we are seeking. Common examples of the unclear feedback she comes across include, “You’re doing great—keep doing what you’re doing!” “She’s not a team player,” and the ever-popular “She has sharp elbows.” These statements are not helpful: they are not specific and don’t point to or define a particular behavior.

Research strongly supports that women are less likely to receive specific feedback tied to outcomes, whereas men receive more specific guidance on what is needed to get them to the next level of seniority in their organization. In fact, only 12 percent of women report being satisfied with the quality of the feedback they receive.⁹ Given this sad truth, it is up to you to drive the feedback conversation and use it to your advantage.

Sandra counsels women not to leave a performance review meeting without fully understanding what, if anything, needs to change.

Ask for clarity, ask questions to understand, and paraphrase in your own words what you are hearing for further clarification. While these approaches might appear simple, it’s important to take action during the meeting or have a follow-up meeting to gain more clarity. Your career depends on it! Simply put, getting direct and specific feedback is one of the most important elements for career progression.

Tips for Getting Good Feedback

Lead the conversation. When you proactively ask for feedback, the person you’re asking is freed to be more honest, because he or she knows you genuinely want to hear his or her opinion.

Be specific about your goals. When you’re specific about what you want feedback on and why, the person you’re asking will have a better idea of what you need to improve and how he or she can help you. Tell the person, for example, “These are the specific two jobs that I want to do next. How do we make that happen?

Push for more details. Don’t accept platitudes. Yes, you may be a great employee, but you’re not perfect. Ask the person, “What will it take to get me the VP title I’m after?”

Heather Jackson of Lilly thinks controlling the conversation is key to moving up and making the most of feedback.

I’ve not gotten a ton of constructive feedback unless I dig in and ask for it and not take, “Oh, everything is great.” I have found that in my own career conversations with people, I’ve actually had to drive them. I’ve had to say, “What is my gap?” If they say, “We don’t really see you having a gap,” I’m like, “Well, then would you put me in this role?” Then they say, “Well, no.” So I have to ask, “Okay, well why?”

Be more direct and forward and ask those questions versus, “Oh, I don’t have a gap? Great. This was a great conversation,” and walk out the door.

Networking for Women

Have you ever wondered whether it would be worth your time to attend networking events and conferences geared toward women? I want to share some research which confirms that these programs lead to improved financial and intellectual outcomes. The results are outlined in a study led by Shawn Achor, the best-selling author of The Happiness Advantage, who has become one of the world’s leading experts on the connection between happiness and success.¹⁰ The study followed twenty-six hundred working women across functions and industries who attended the Conference for Women, an event held in several US states, paying close attention to the demographic and psychographic differences between women who elect to attend a conference or not. The control group was composed of women who signed up for a conference but had not yet attended. The study tracked two categories of positive outcomes for the women who attended the conferences: financial rewards and intellectual rewards. Some examples of the findings: In the year after connecting with peers at one of the Conference for Women events, participants’ likelihood of receiving a promotion doubled whereas less than 18 percent of the women who’d signed up for the conference but had yet to attend received a promotion; in one year, attendees had tripled the likelihood of a 10+ percent pay increase versus only 5 percent of the women in the control group received a pay increase of more than 10 percent; 78 percent of attendees reported feeling “more optimistic about the future” after attending. A positive mind-set can affect other aspects of life. All of these findings connect to an important takeaway in Shawn’s book, Big Potential, which outlines his research to prove that the greatest predictor of success and happiness is social connection.

Aside from formal networking conferences, internal communities of women can be powerful in working toward the goal of transforming a company. If you join a women’s network or employee resource group, get clear on what your underlying beliefs and attitudes are about advancing and supporting women. How do these fit with the network’s goals and areas of focus? Where do you see your company falling short? Do you have any ideas on how to shift the culture? Who can you partner with, mentor, or sponsor to begin changing the game? And, most important, don’t look for someone else to tell you where to sign up and how to get involved. Jump in and show other network members what you can contribute to make the biggest impact.

Always Be Connecting

Zoe Baris, marketing manager of Lancôme Makeup at L’Oreal, sees relationships as a web, with every connection leading to something else, directly or indirectly. Each relationship has something to offer, but you don’t always know what that will be, and you don’t know when you’ll find it.

I admire people for different things, so that I don’t expect all I want to be is wrapped up in just one person. For some people, I admire them as a working mom, and others it’s for their style of leadership in tough situations. Each connection I make leads me to another person or even to opportunities. I didn’t just get on the board of Ronald McDonald House; it happened because I went to a book signing and met this person who really impressed me. I wanted to get to know her better, so I then brought a bag of L’Oreal stuff to have coffee with her. She made the introduction because one of her mentoring advice tips to me was to spend time giving back and serving on a board that needed a fresh perspective. Everything is a web of connections, and I think we all have something to offer one another.

My personal motto is, “Who you know can give you power, but it’s how well they know you that can open doors.” Relationships take time. Be open and willing to share your life with those around you.