It would be great if this could be the shortest chapter of the book, but all too often we take our loved ones for granted and in the process create unnecessary challenges for ourselves. Like any area of life, your relationships with family and friends can be better (or much better) with some tools, techniques and a bit of effort.

Friends

Let’s start with your friends. Friends are wonderful; when you want to spend time with them, they’re aligned to your beliefs, generous, supportive and not too needy. You know your friends and they know you. They know exactly what to buy you as a gift and they never outstay their welcome. They call you at just the right time, remember what’s important and they have a sixth sense when it comes to giving sympathy or advice in just the right amounts at the right time. Does that sound like your friends?

Most likely your friends do a bit of all of the above now and then, scattered thinly with a healthy dose of calling when it’s most inconvenient, showing off, talking about you behind your back, buying you ill-thought-out presents (that aren’t nearly as good as the ones you bought them) and not really understanding you or your needs, wants and desires.

Or have I been too mean because yours land flatly somewhere in between? ‘Hey they’re my friends, there’s not much I can do!’ I hear you cry.

What if you were to Flip It and make a decision that you weren’t happy with second best and wanted to get the finest out of your friendships? Well, now is as good a time as any to start.

The friends grid

Let’s start by making a list of your top eight friends who you spend most of your time with. Write their names on the list opposite. They can be neighbours, work colleagues, old school friends, etc. Then, next to each name, make a rough calculation of how much of your time you spend with each one. To make this easy, assume you are awake and available to spend time with other people for approximately 100 hours a week.

Now take a moment to give them a score from 1 to 10 on the following scales.

How positive or negative (+ or −) are they? Very positive would be a 9 or 10 and negative would be a 2 or 3. They may of course be somewhere in-between. Make 5 your neutral point.

Here are a few examples to help you to score.

Next, score the amount they ‘give or take’ in the relationship. Measure this as very giving being high and taking being low. Again make 5 your neutral point.

Here are a few examples to help you make your score.

OK, that’s probably been quite tough so well done if you’ve completed the first eight names. Now, assuming you have done the exercise, you can plot where your friends land on this simple grid.

I’ve added a couple of examples so you can see how it works. In the example below, Tom received a 6 for being a giving person but only a 3 on the negative to positive scale. So he lands in the top left quadrant. Sue on the other hand is very positive and giving and ends up in the top right quadrant.

Once you have plotted your eight friends, you will begin to see who you should consider spending more time with and those for whom you may need to develop some different strategies.

Here’s my description of the four quadrants.

• Sappers: You feel like all your energy has been drained after you spend time with them. You appreciate them as friends but understand that they are focused mainly on two things: themselves and what’s wrong with life.
  We’ve all had times like these but if your friend is a ‘sapper’ and you spend a high percentage of your time with them then you need to take some action to protect yourself.

• Poor me: They are very nice, giving people, but . . . every encounter leaves you feeling sorry for them. Sometimes this makes you feel guilty that they are so giving and perhaps you’re not. ‘Poor me’ people also tend to suffer from illness more and, as much as they don’t want you to worry, they’ll be happy to share with you all the gory details.
• Groupies: They are always chirpy and smiling and usually ready to tell you all about what they have done. They seem to have a little bit of knowledge and lots of opinions about pretty much everything. They are the ones who, when you announce you’ve booked a two-week holiday, say you should have asked them first as your hotel is at the wrong end of the resort. The challenge comes because they feel like they always have to be right and invariably you’ll soon feel like you’re forever wrong.
• Growers: Wow! They make you feel good. They’re interested and interesting. They care and love to have fun by doing the things you want to do. When it comes to support, they’re there for you. You’re happy to listen to their advice because you’ve usually asked for it.

Do those descriptions sound accurate?

Now my friends are in the grid – what next?

When my wife Christine and I first created the ‘friends grid’, we tested it with some of our mates. It was amazing to see their reactions as they discovered why they felt differently about some pals and friendship groups. After a couple of minutes of consideration they all asked the same question: now what do we do?

Here’s your choice. If you are really happy with your friends, the time you spend with them and what you get out of the relationship then you needn’t do anything. But this book is about Flipping It and getting the best out of everything – and that includes your friendships.

Here are a few thoughts about what you may wish to do with the friends in each quadrant.

Let’s start with what I call the ‘3E’ line. It starts at the top right, goes through the centre and ends at the bottom left.

The closer your friends are to the top right of the grid the more you should focus on the first E and ‘elevate’ them.

The closer your friends are to the bottom left of the grid, the more you should consider the third E and work out how you can ‘eliminate’ them.

OK, time for time out. When I say eliminate I don’t mean call up a few dodgy guys in heavy overcoats. And I’m not suggesting that if a friend is in need of help and finds they are there due to current circumstances that you immediately block them out of your life. But I am implying that you may have to take some action to protect yourself from the people who routinely end up here. I really do believe you can do this in a positive way.

People who land in the central area of the line can be ‘upgraded’ with a little of the final E – ‘education’.

This makes anyone who lands on this line from the centre bottom left to top right easy: 3Es elevate, educate or eliminate. Now here’s the detail on the quadrants.

• Sappers: Take a look at the hours you spend with sappers and ask what you can do to halve this amount of time as quickly as you can. Remember, you become like the people you spend most of your time with. Learn how to say no nicely by having a few lines up your sleeve – for example, ‘I would have loved to have seen you tonight but I already have some plans. Thanks for asking.’
• Poor me: This is a challenging one as these friends love to give but take a lot back emotionally. The best way to deal with them is through ‘tough love’. It may be the case that you have to sit down with them and tell them how you feel about their negativity. Encourage them to look at the positive side of a situation. Ask them if they would mind if you pointed out when they are being negative – being a poor me they will take it personally but this bit of tough love is worth it as it will help you and them.
• Groupies: These people are great in groups. So plan your time with them so there are others around when you meet. You’ll find that it’s easier to manage the amount of energy they need when it is divided between a few of you. It’s fun to invite all your groupie friends together at once so you can do your thing while they bounce off each other.
• Growers: Spend more time with these people. Especially if they are in the high top right corner. If you have managed to halve the time you spend with the sappers, replace it with the growers! Schedule when you will spend time with these people, book lunches and dinners: even if they seem like weeks or months away, book them – it’s worth it.

Friendly rivalry

I bet you have some friends you feel you are in competition with. And I bet you have some friends who feel like they are in competition with you. And while we’re being honest I bet you focus more of your energy on the people who you consider to be better than you.

I’m sure this began when we were teenagers (or even younger) when it seemed like everyone you knew had something or did something better than you.

I had a very wise uncle who, when I would nag him about how everyone seemed to have whatever it was I wanted, would say, ‘Michael, you will always feel like you’re not as good as some. But keep this in mind, you should also know you are much better than others.’

By being in competition with friends, family and colleagues there are going to be times when you feel like you just don’t measure up. These feelings don’t make you any better but there are actions you can take which will make you feel great.

Time to Flip It. Spending time with people who are better than you can be brilliant if you go into it with a different mindset. Rather than being resentful or jealous, Flip It and make it an opportunity to raise your game. If these people are your friends then that’s something to celebrate and a wonderful opportunity to ask for advice and pick up some tips from them. Park the envy and focus on what you can learn from friends like these.

Now let’s Flip It again and consider some of your friends who no doubt feel you are better than them. If that’s the case then at all costs avoid arrogance. Sounds obvious, but it sneaks up and before you know where you are, wham, you’re bragging. Sometimes when you think you are just sharing the exciting things that are happening to you, your friends hear it as arrogance. If you’re in doubt, take some time out.

Love

Being in love is the ultimate positive state. When you find love it magnifies everything that’s amazing about life; it’s like the very best friendship on fire! And as with anything so remarkable and precious, it takes luck and a bit of effort to find it and a mountain of skill to sustain.

If you’re in love, I will share with you some methods for maintaining and boosting it. If you haven’t found love, have loved and lost or don’t know what all the fuss is about, then I think we’ll start with you.

Finding love – Flip It style

‘One day my prince will come’ is a statement that is as romantic as it is unlikely: (1) princes rarely just show up; (2) if they do they are normally so full of themselves you won’t fancy them; and (3) ‘Once upon a time in a land far, far away’ isn’t now and you’re here!

So which do you think will work best: sit around and hope that Mr/Ms Right will stumble across you eventually, or get out there and find them for yourself? I know it might feel frightening but, yes, the right answer is number two.

I’m going to split the next section into two parts. The first is written by me for men. The second is written by my wife Christine for women. I would suggest the women should not read the men’s section as you may not like the advice. Similarly, lads don’t read the girls’ bit.

INFORMATION FOR MEN

Here’s a simple list of dos and don’ts if you are looking for love.

• Do (you’d better) shape up – Olivia Newton-John was right! Love handles don’t attract love.
• Don’t try to be pretty – women don’t like blokes who spend longer getting ready than they do.
• Do have clean shoes, nails and teeth.
• Don’t think heavily scented deodorant attracts women – no matter what the adverts say.
• Do make the first move. Women find a confident man very attractive but, be careful, they find an arrogant man repulsive.
• Don’t focus on rejection. Unless you are very, very lucky you will have to face some rebuffs to find the love of your life.
• Do be romantic, but not if you have just been introduced and not in front of her friends – keep it real.
• Don’t agree with everything she says just for the sake of it.
• Do be polite.
• Don’t talk only about you, no matter how hilarious you are!
• Do talk about her – especially if you show genuine interest (see ‘How to be interesting – Flip It style’ on page 9).

INFORMATION FOR WOMEN

OK girls, your turn.

• Do stay in shape – not only will you look better but you’ll feel better too.
• Don’t smoke – it isn’t sexy, it’s bad for you and you’ll smell – oh, and it gives you cellulite.
• Do let your friends fix you up – honestly, it won’t ever be as bad as you think.
• Don’t ‘look for a husband’ – unless you want to scare off every man within 50 miles.
• Do smile a lot – men find smiles incredibly attractive, although make sure it’s a genuine smile, otherwise you might look a bit of a loon.
• Don’t think men know it all – often they haven’t got a clue, so they need to be guided.
• Do be safe.
• Don’t be too late – fashionably is 5–10 minutes, after that it’s verging on rude.

So did you follow my advice and not even dream of reading the other list? Or did you decide to Flip It and take a sneaky peak? Thought so – we are fascinated in what the other sex wants.

So are you ready to go for it? Well what are you waiting for? Oh yes, the actual ‘how you meet someone’ bit.

Meeting the love of your life

You probably won’t meet that special someone sitting in front of your TV wishing your life away. But you may just meet them sitting in front of your computer. Did you know that one in six people who were married in America in 2009 met online? Online dating has evolved massively over the last few years.

Here’s a little secret about people who are using online dating sites to meet someone – they want to meet someone. The same can’t be said for those in bars, clubs or at parties, where you have to dance around the whole ‘are you looking?’ routine before you can move on.

So if you don’t want to move much further than your laptop to get started, could you park your prejudice and go online?

Now what about getting out there, exploring real life and meeting strangers? Arrrgggghhh. But what if I get rejected? What if I fail? What if I’m the ugliest person in the room? What if I’m the only single person there?

OK, time to Flip It. What if there are lots of single people there? What if people find you incredibly good-looking? What if you get a date? What if you find love?

I have a male friend who could walk into a room genuinely believing every woman in there would be attracted to him. He was ‘no oil painting’, as my grandmother would say, but he always found several women who found him appealing. And when he did face rejection he would be polite, smile, move on and quietly say to himself ‘next’.

Nurturing new love

OK, you’ve got over the biggest hurdle and met someone. You like them, they like you, you really enjoy each other’s company. Could this be . . . love?

I was asked in an interview to define ‘being in love’. I described it like this: ‘It’s when your heart skips a beat as your partner walks through the door.’ If you can still say that after loving your wife for 20 years and still feel your heart skip, then I think you’ve cracked it.

There are three levels in a relationship. Once the honeymoon period of a new relationship has ended (and it will) then you must focus on upgrading your relationship to level 3.

• Level 1: What can I get out of this? It’s where most relationships start, and that’s fine, but if you keep thinking like this your relationship is unlikely to develop.
• Level 2 : I’ll do this for you, but I expect you to do that for me. This is a quid pro quo type of thinking and the place where most relationships develop then stop. Many people are happy with this as it creates a certain degree of certainty. For example, ‘You went out on Tuesday night with your friends, so it’s OK if I go out with mine on Thursday.’
• Level 3: Your needs are my needs. This is the ultimate place for a relationship to progress to. You are totally committed to your partner’s needs and they are to yours without expecting anything in return. And, as you might expect, getting there is tough but staying there is tougher. However, the rewards are amazing.

A level-3 relationship really needs Flip It thinking as it requires trust and commitment at the highest level. It’s also essential that both people are at that level. Can you imagine a relationship with one person at level 3 and the other at level 1?

Love to listen

Here’s a tip for the blokes. You know when you and your partner get in from work and she’s had one hell of a day and wants to tell you all about it?

She’s describing her day in glorious technicolour and midway you think you’ve got the answer to her problems and you can save her. So you chip in with your logical male wisdom and say, ‘You know what you should do . . .’ She doesn’t really seem to be listening to you. But you’re convinced you can fix it for her. So you keep going, throwing in how you can help and what she should do to rectify the mess.

Then you have a realisation. She hasn’t listened to a word you’ve said. All that brilliant ‘manvice’ and it didn’t make a jot of difference. Now you’re frustrated, she’s even more wound up and you were only trying to help!

It might go something like this:

MAN:	‘Hi sweetheart, how was your day?’
WOMAN:	‘Fine . . . except . . .’
MAN:	‘Except what?’
WOMAN:	‘My boss is driving me nuts. He completely overlooks me, gives me all the crappy jobs and nit-picks over the smallest things.’
MAN:	[Here comes the ‘manvice’] ‘You know what you should do?’
WOMAN:	‘There’s nothing I can do, he’s the boss.’
MAN:	‘Rubbish! If I were you I would . . .’
WOMAN:	‘But you’re not me!’
MAN:	‘I know, I wouldn’t have let it get this far, but now that you have, here’s what you should do.’
WOMAN:	‘You have no idea what I have to do or what I can and can’t do.’

If that sounds like a familiar fail it’s because it breaks the first law of male/female relationships.

I get about one in fifty people who tell me I’m being sexist saying that. If that’s you then forgive me, Flip It and let’s move on. Here’s the rest of my advice for the blokes.

Don’t assume that because a woman is having issues, she’d ideally like a man to come along and fix them for her. Generally speaking, if a woman needs something fixed she’ll fix it herself or she’ll ask.

Similarly, if you’re a woman and you’re speaking to a man, don’t assume he’s listening (unless you’re telling him the full-time scores). God was feeling quirky when configuring the male and female brains.

So let’s Flip It and re-run the same situation, but this time let’s use this newfound knowledge.

MAN:	‘Hi sweetheart! How was your day?’
WOMAN:	‘Fine . . . except . . .’
MAN:	‘Except what?’
WOMAN:	‘My boss is driving me nuts. He completely overlooks me, gives me all the crappy jobs and nit-picks over the smallest things.’
MAN:	‘Tell me more.’
WOMAN:	‘Oh, you know, I probably take it too personally, but in the last week there must have been half a dozen times when he’s made me feel like a second-class citizen.’
MAN:	‘Really? Tell me more.’
WOMAN:	‘Oh, there’s no more. I’m just venting.’
MAN:	‘I know, but I’m happy to listen. Tell me about it.’
WOMAN:	‘Well, on Tuesday . . .’

Got that fellas? Good.

Now here’s a tip for the ladies.

When your bloke gets in from work, let him watch the news or sport in his ‘cave’ (the lounge) for half an hour or so before you attempt any form of sensible communication.

That’s it. Simple. But then men are.

Men and women are different in many ways. The same differences that make intimate relationships wonderful one day can destroy them the next. Recognising this and enhancing the good parts while eliminating the bad parts is the key to a successful loving relationship.

Lasting love

I’ve been in love with my wife for more of my life than I haven’t. That’s pretty good going when you’re only 44.

I’ve found that invariably it’s the little things that can make or break a relationship. Those small things that show you love, care about and respect someone are so vital. Get them right and you’ve got a rock-solid foundation for your love.

Here are a few of the things we do for each other – see if they inspire you to come up with your own small ways of showing how important you are to each other.

• Getting a pasting: Whenever we go to bed, whoever goes into the bathroom first puts the toothpaste on both toothbrushes. I can’t remember when or why we started to do this, but it’s both simple and lovely.
• Vintage texting: Leaving love notes isn’t a new idea, but thanks to the advent of texting it’s a lost one. Yes, it is lovely to receive a text from your partner but finding a hand-written note in your sock drawer is magical.
• Icy start: One of the most amazing things my wife does for me is that she defrosts my car in the winter. I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels to get into a warm car with a clear windscreen, especially when you are in a hurry.
• Giving compliments: It’s so easy to criticise the person who is closest to you. Flip It and find something to compliment your partner on every day. If it’s hard to find – look harder!
• Mix tape: It’s never been easier to create a special CD for your lover thanks to iTunes and other music players. Just create the playlist, stick in a CD and click ‘burn’. But you can make it even more special by writing an accompanying track listing with why you chose each song.
• Saying ‘I love you’: How many times would you have to hear those words before you got sick of them? Exactly. So if you haven’t said it today, tell him or her right now.

So there’s a start for you. Finding love is the most amazing experience you will have. And who knows, when love goes well and relationships blossom, the next step for many is to grow that love and start a family.

Family

Oh yes, good old family. Let’s start with an easy one.

How to get your kids to clear their plates and tidy their rooms without asking them.

I carried out a training day for a further education college prior to their inspection. They were very busy and couldn’t close the college for a day, so we had to hold the training on a Saturday.

On the posters and invitations the organisers listed what staff would learn if they were prepared to give up their day off and come to my presentation. Last on the list was one sentence which read: ‘Find out how to get your kids to tidy their bedrooms without asking, bribing or nagging.’

Ninety-eight per cent of the college staff turned up! Guess what they all wanted to know? You’ve got it.

The brilliance of this technique is that it can be used to encourage anyone to do almost anything. I bet that’s got your attention.

Here’s how it works. Children, especially teenagers, come pre-programmed with an automatic aversion to tidying their rooms. Most parents use nagging and cajoling to try to persuade their kids to tidy up. It doesn’t work. So what do they do? The crazy parents push harder.

Faced with this exact predicament with our son, Christine and I halted our conventional thinking and decided to Flip It. Our idea was radical and came with a fair amount of risk.

From that day on, we decided to give only positive feedback to our son about his room. We would search for somewhere he’d made tidy or for something he’d put away or cleaned and compliment him on it. Some days that was a tough call!

After initial confusion, including the revelation from him that he ‘knew exactly what we were doing’, we stuck with it. It took around two weeks to see a difference but slowly and surely his room became tidier. In fact, much tidier!

Building on what’s right

Imagine for a moment you focused all your energy on what was right with your family. What might it be like? Most families, for one reason or another, end up being lazy in their relationships. At first it’s not a big deal, but then when things are going wrong they try to fix them but it’s too late.

I’ve met fathers who focus more on ‘the business deal’ than they do on their amazing daughters. I’ve seen wives who care more about promotion than they do about their partner. And too many husbands who care more about their ego than they do about anyone or anything.

It’s easy to be lazy in a family relationship because often the cost isn’t clear until it’s too late. Families forgive faster than friends. Families will take more crap than colleagues. And families make excuses for their loved ones and put up with more than is necessary.

Face it – we can all do better.

Here are 10 things you can do with relatives, from your closest to your most extended, that are guaranteed to make a family fantastic.

1. Start dating (your partner): When you first met your partner, how much effort did you put in to your relationship? How much time did you spend preparing for a date? You were on time, you looked great, you created excitement and you cared – really cared. You gave compliments and focused on all the things that were right about your partner. How much of that could you revive or refresh?
2. Record your parents (or grandparents): I’ve recently started to record my parents telling stories about their past. It’s amazing what you don’t know or have forgotten. The best bit is, with the advent of new technology, it’s never been easier to record and store these tales for future nostalgia.
3. Eat together: Most families don’t and it’s such a shame. The family meal is a fantastic way to catch up with each other at the end of a busy day – to share and care.
4. ‘Date’ your children: If you have children, find opportunities to have time with them one on one. I have fond memories of a time I took my daughter to a fancy restaurant and she could hardly see over the edge of the table.
5. Dads’ and lads’ days: Mums can have their version of these days too, but there’s nothing quite like a bit of male bonding. Grrrrr.
6. Spend longer with older relatives: I’ve found myself saying ‘I haven’t got much time’ before I’ve even got through the door when visiting some of my older relatives. If you’ve done that too, it’s time to Flip It and find a way to share a little more of your day.
7. Give great presents: Most people don’t really think about what to give family members and often end up giving a voucher or cheque. It really is a limiting belief to use language like, ‘I never know what to give them’. Flip It and instead ask yourself, ‘What would be a brilliant present for . . .?’
8. Have a gathering: Make contact with your extended family and have a reunion. Go on, I dare you. This could be the only time your family come together when it’s not a wedding or funeral.
9. Gather some souvenirs for your siblings: You knew your brothers and sisters when they were kids (’cos you were too). These unique relationships give you an exceptional opportunity to put together a memory box, scrap book or album that only you and your siblings will truly understand.
10. Tell them how much you love them: Saying ‘I love you’ to a family member can be a stretch if you’re not used to it but, as I said before, who do you know who doesn’t want to hear it? Share the love – verbally.

Working on relationships is challenging but very rewarding, especially when you are faced with one of life’s tragic but great certainties.

The loss of a loved one

It is an inevitable part of life that people will die. Can Flip It help during these times? I believe so. In fact I believe that often our own Flip It thinking takes over naturally during these times. We remember what we cherished about the person, we come together, we show compassion and we care.

During the process of grieving many people feel guilt. They may be aware that they haven’t seen or spoken to a person for some time. Perhaps some things were left unsaid or they could have given more to the relationship.

Grieving is a natural and expected process. Some people appear to be dealing with the loss of a loved one very well by refusing to grieve, only for their grief to manifest itself in other ways. There are three stages of grief.

• Stage 1: Shock. Often people feel shocked and have a sense of disbelief when they experience the loss of a loved one. This can last from a few hours to days or weeks. At this time the distress comes in waves, which are often triggered by emotional stimuli. If you lose someone close it can be very difficult to find time for yourself to actually mourn. There are arrangements to make, visitors to care for and all this without a person who would usually be there to support you. Here’s a time when you can Flip It and ask to be left alone to grieve.
• Stage 2: Confrontation. The feeling of loss at this stage is high and the ability to cope seems distant. People deal with this in many ways. They have difficulty sleeping and eating, search for reasons for the loss, feel distant, withdraw socially, feel guilty and can express anger for what other people have in their lives. At this time of wanting to be shut off from the world it’s actually a very important time to Flip It again and this time welcome support.
• Stage 3: Acceptance. Being able to begin accepting a loss shows that a person is starting to cope with their situation. As with each stage it doesn’t happen instantly, but there are things you can do to get to this stage more quickly.
• Convey your feelings. Let yourself cry.
• Give yourself permission to feel the pain and loss.
• Get support. There are people who want to help – let them.
• Preserve as much of your lifestyle as you can. It’s important to maintain a sense of security and retain some form of normality.
• Acknowledge yourself as human when you experience pain.
• Stay healthy, take care of yourself and avoid overindulgence.
• Forgive yourself for all the things you said or didn’t say or do.
• Allow yourself a break from grief. You don’t have to experience grief all the time to get through it.
• Get ready for anniversaries and special occasions. Decide in advance what you will do and how they will be remembered.

The loss of a loved one is quite a challenging subject to write about in a book that is positive and clearly designed to help you get the best out of everything. I felt it was important to write about this now, so that when the time comes (hopefully in the very distant future) when you need this information you’ll be able to deal with the situation better.

Making choices

I hope I’ve encouraged you to realise that when it comes to family and friends you can make a choice to create amazing connections that stimulate and magnify the very best of who you are, or you can sit back and just let stuff happen.

I hope that by reading this chapter you’ve decided to get the very best out of all your relationships. You’ll need your family and friends as you move through life and they’ll need you. That’s just one of the many reasons you need to be at your very best. It’s now time to . . .