Chapter 17
The Balance Myth
A friend of mine worked the constantly connected workplace to her advantage until it worked her into the ground. She was a rising star at a major consulting firm who, like many in her profession, put in countless hours and made herself available 24/7.
Her husband intervened after discovering she was setting her alarm for 1 and 3 AM to reply to e-mails, then getting up again at about 5 AM. She averaged three to four hours of sleep a night.
Her salary was ridiculous—but so was her life, if you could call it that. Eventually, not even a 50 percent raise could make her stay at the firm.
Now she coaches her kid's basketball team—and quite happily so.
Abetted by technology, we live in a culture that encourages us to speed past the semblance of a balanced life. Some jobs flat out demand this speed, and a great many of us like it.
Overworking becomes welded to our identity, part of “an age where talent, passion, and authenticity are hailed as virtues and antidotes to the uncertainty of the workplace.”1 Work becomes a kind of romance filled with the same turbulence. Even if we reject the romance for ourselves, we encourage our employees to fall in love. If you know anything about welding, you can see the problem. Welding literally fuses things together so they can't be undone without breaking or cutting the weld off. Once overworking is what others expect of you, and what you expect from yourself, it can be difficult to step back.
I sold my house earlier this year. My real estate agent, a friend, was extremely driven, painfully focused, and—no surprise—highly successful. She worked late into the night posting pictures, videos, and marketing materials in every corner of cyberspace.
I loved it. She never said, “I'll work on that after my kid's school play.” For all I knew, she never saw her kids. All that mattered to me, honestly, was how she hustled to sell my house.
Aren't these the people we want working for us?
“Yes, I expect people to work however long it takes,” an executive from a consulting company told me. “There's a long line of people waiting for the chance to work here. If they want to spend more time on the ski slopes, then go be a lift operator. I pay them well and expect them to work accordingly.”
Leaders increasingly demand this kind of work ethic, even when it's not in tune with the people they hire. According to an Oxford Economics study, more than half of employees described work-life balance as important to them, but only a third of executives agreed it was a priority for their people.2 That's a massive gap.
Maybe that's why some countries are stepping in to regulate what exactly businesses can mandate. France, for example, has enacted a law requiring companies with 50 or more workers to write a charter protecting the right to disconnect from digital communication outside of regular business hours.3
This approach is wonderfully intentioned and probably unworkable, and it will most likely result in negative and unintended consequences. Whatever government-mandated digital cutoffs look like, they are not true work-life balance. So what does it look like?
Separating Work and Life
The answer is that we don't really know. That's because, like unicorns, work-life balance doesn't exist.
Even the phrase work-life balance sounds off—like something out of George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, a world in which much of the language means its opposite. Think twice when a prospective employer touts work-life balance. It might very well mean working nights and weekends. Then again, it might mean leaving the office at 4 PM and partaking in 3 PM Friday happy hour each week, which is nice unless you actually want to compete.
Work-life balance was coined to describe a problem that can't be solved. But that's okay—because it doesn't need to be. Balance isn't the goal. The goal is to thrive both at work and home by proactively knowing when to separate and when to intermingle the two.
How often do experts go to the extreme when addressing work-life balance in an article or speech? I've seen earnest people preach total separation between the two: At 6 PM, I turn off my phone and don't look at it until 8 AM the next day.
That's just not realistic. What if a task dominates your thoughts? Is it wrong to devote 15 minutes to focused work at home so you can truly relax with friends that evening?
What if a vital conference call can only be scheduled at 7:30 PM? How unreasonable would it be to go home at 4:30, hang out with the family, then retreat to your home office for an hour? Technology can make working at home really convenient.
The total separation approach also migrates to the office: No personal calls or texts. I block out the world and focus only on work.
Okay then. Tough luck if you need to call your tax guy about a looming audit because he leaves at 5. Maybe he'll pick up his phone on Saturday.
And you can answer your wife's text about whether to buy tickets for a popular show…after it sells out.
The reality is that work-life balance is one of our culture's most beloved and misguided myths.
For most of us, work and life are inextricably intertwined (and what technology has joined together, let no man separate). We can, however, learn to be proactive in how we approach the intertwining—rather than reacting to whatever each demands. We can be the sailboat instead of the raft.
The raft rises and dips in a helpless dance with its environment. A sailboat harnesses the same winds and currents to productive ends. A raft you just sit on. A sailboat you steer and keep balanced. There is a tension when sailing that doesn't exist on a raft, and the same is true with life. We must become comfortable living within the tension of knowing we might achieve rare moments of balance but that the bulk of our existence is swaying back and forth and intermingling between the various roles we play.
Is it freeing to realize that the cultural expectations placed on us are totally unrealistic? Today's homo distractus is expected to give 100 percent in every sphere of life. And she feels guilty that she isn't giving enough to any. You need to be the best employee. And you need to be the best parent. That means hitting all soccer games. Be home when the kids get home. Don't be a slave to work. Then again, you aren't a great parent if your company goes belly up or you get fired. See the tension?
We would do well to listen to musician, filmmaker, entrepreneur, Venture Capitalist, and dear friend Ben Patterson: “Balance is the lie that says, ‘I can do everything.’ There is no balance. But there is a convergence of priorities that is primarily defined by what I say no to.”
We constantly need to adjust our footing to meet the demands of the moment. Sometimes, work requires more. And that's okay. Sometimes we need to take a day off to recalibrate with our family. And that's okay too.
So what does this mean for a leader, given the roles our people play in the constantly connected workplace?
Captaining the Ship
As a leader, you are in a unique position to both captain your own sailboat and help your people captain theirs. The following principles will help you and your team navigate the tensions between work and life.
The Fastest Runner Sets the Pace. If you, as the leader, have not explicitly set expectations for how your team should approach work, the person who replies fastest and works longest will be the standard bearer. The Oxford study also revealed that 26 percent of executives expected employees to be available after hours, whereas 46 percent of employees considered this the expectation. That's a big gap in perception.
Even if you don't require people to stay after hours, other employees might create this culture. And you will unknowingly allow a culture of constant responsiveness and availability at a cost you might not realize.
Always Available Means Never Fully Available. Overworked employees aren't effective employees. Everyone needs downtime to recharge—away from work.
A dear friend led operations for a successful recruiting firm. He started as the CEO's personal assistant but evolved into the person who ran the entire organization. He worked 80 hours a week. To free up his own focus, the CEO asked my friend to manage an endless stream of inputs. Every single request to the CEO went through my friend. Rather than systemize the business, this CEO made my friend the system. The CEO was appreciative—he showered him with frequent high-priced gifts, such as an iPad and (short) beach vacations, and made sure he was compensated well. But the situation wasn't sustainable, and over time, resentment grew inside my friend as his life took a backseat to, well, everything. Eventually, he quit, which came as a huge blow to the CEO. When my friend told him he was leaving, the CEO pleaded, “Just tell me the number!” There was no number. He now teaches biology and couldn't be happier.
Leaders tend to measure productivity by 1) task completion and 2) time spent working (and the bonus goes to the person who stays late and replies on the weekends). What they're not measuring is employee burnout and high replacement and turnover costs.
There is a popular belief that 24/7 availability and immediate response times are the requirement for high-octane organizations. Here's the actual truth: Experiments in which organizations have curtailed messaging (off-hours and at work) have led to happier, more relaxed employees. Low-value output shrinks (along with work hours!), but the important stuff still gets done.4 It's a classic example of slowing down to speed up.
There's another hidden cost to the always-available employee mindset. When employees are always available, they are forced to channel-switch and adopt the one-person-band lifestyle, switching constantly between spheres—and diminishing their contribution in each of them.
Ironically, always-available employees overvalue their contribution and justify working less when they are supposed to be working fully. It's much easier to justify 45 minutes on IM with a might-be love interest when you can say, “I answer e-mails at 8 PM anyway.”
As leaders, we need to consider our people's longevity and their focus. That starts with creating a climate in which employees can realize the expectation is to prioritize and focus on the right things at the right time. This will mean defining levels of access (more on that to come).
Nine to Five Is So Last Century. An Oregon State University study found that a healthy sex life boosts job satisfaction.5 No, I'm not suggesting we adopt a policy of adding “How's the sex life?” to the annual review, but I am suggesting that our team members' personal lives spill over into work. The world where work and life were separated is gone—there is no returning to it. That means you have to be a leader who walks the narrow line between infringing upon privacy while being empathetic and aware that the way your team manages this tension will directly impact their effectiveness on the job.
As leaders, we need to take an interest in employees beyond what happens between 9 and 5. The truth is there are no simple answers on how to do this well, and there are unintended consequences to all approaches. I've found the most effective approach is to be a leader who is empathetic, aware, and intentional about valuing the “other half” of life but who also creates enough personal separation to allow for the hard conversations to take place when needed. You shouldn't be your employees' best friend, but on the other hand, if you don't know their kids' names, you're just kind of a jerk.
Not Either/Or But If/Then
Rather than fixate on work-life balance, you should think in terms of degrees of access—being intentional with to whom, how much, and when we are accessible. Most people simply don't think this way. Like we discussed earlier, the temptation is to think you need to give 100 percent to a hundred different things, which is actually 10,000 percent…and impossible.
Being focus-wise means actively assigning availability based on your degree of access. That mode will depend on circumstances and context. It's also important to make sure that those who rely on you, at work and at home, understand what mode you're in.
At Focuswise, we developed a system that helps you define and manage your levels of access (Figure 17.1). The following are the three levels of access and when to use them. To be clear, these are not either/or choices but rather if/then choices. There will be times where you need to operate in each degree of access. The key to success is knowing the right time and communicating it to all who need to know.
Figure 17.1 Access Management Guide.
Level A: Total Block
In this mode, nothing exists but the work in front of you or the family around you, for instance. No distractions from the other sphere, be it e-mail, social media, or phone calls.
Total block requires a Communication Compact at work and at home. You must assign time for this level—it simply won't happen naturally.
For example, a friend of mine is having a baby soon. He has worked with his team to assign all his responsibilities for coverage during the two weeks he'll be at home with his new baby. Additionally, his manager has agreed to cover any crises or big decisions that need to be made while he is out. As far as his employer is concerned, he will be totally blocked out. His team knows it, and everyone is ready to support it. This planning ahead will be key to him enjoying the time with his family and not worrying about work.
But this shouldn't be just reserved for emergencies. You can build this level of access into your daily or weekly calendar for each sphere of life that matters to you. For instance, my wife and I have a time each night where we go for a walk after dinner. It's just us, the dogs, and the kids. No phones. No interruptions.
Put simply: If something really matters to you, then being fully present within it for a sustained period of time is a must.
Level B: Filtered Access
This is where you set up filters limiting access at specific times. At work, for instance, turn on the do not disturb feature for your phone and e-mail during a project, but leave Slack on so that people on the project can reach you. Or perhaps you don't check texts or e-mail while in a weekly sync, but a phone call from the spouse is important and worth stepping out of the meeting. Either way, the question is: Who specifically gets access to you?
It's this question that forms the key difference between a healthy approach to separating and integrating the various spheres of our work and lives. Most people simply assume open access. But filtered access is a new requirement of the focus-wise in the age of constant connectivity. And the method you use to implement this is the Communication Compact.
Perhaps the most common example of this is when someone leaves the office at 4 PM for a personal errand but says, “I'm available by Slack or text if something important comes up.” The person is exercising flexibility by doing a personal task during work hours but setting up a filter that allows access should something that needs to be addressed in a timely manner come up.
Personally, my wife and I have a Communication Compact around texts during work hours. She knows I will respond if I have free time, but she doesn't expect it. It's been discussed and agreed upon.
If she immediately needs me for something, however, she calls me. This happens maybe once a month. I will step out of meetings for her call. I will not step off a stage from a speech, though, because that's a total block time. She knows if I don't answer, that means a total block. She can either escalate to my director of operations or (as is almost always the case) leave a voicemail knowing her need is top priority as soon as I see it.
Level C: Open Access
Professionals spend most of their time in this mode. Open access is okay sometimes but not as a default. Otherwise, you're constantly pushing off on a raft, tossed about by distractions at work and at home.
Open access works great when you're doing things that don't require your full attention, either with family, friends, or work. These things could be replying to routine e-mails, having a catchup call with a friend, watching a baseball game on TV, browsing Facebook, or enjoying a happy hour with the team. If my wife texts me during this time, I'm answering. If my kid wants to wrestle, I'll do it with the ball game still on.
Sometimes, however, the importance of timing can also trump other levels of access—but only for a short period. It should never be the norm.
For instance, imagine you're working with your team on an important pitch to a client. It's getting right up to the time of the meeting and there's still a lot of work to be done. This deal could make or break the coming fiscal year. You better believe that if someone needs to get ahold of you, they can.
Personally, as the deadline for this book comes quickly, the team working on it with me is in constant communication at all times, day and night. That includes open access at home during time typically reserved for family. This means that though I usually limit home access, it doesn't make sense to do so now. It's just a short period of time—and a necessary one. Once the book is done, everything will reset to normal, which is most of the time Level B.
In fact, the most successful people I know embrace Level B. They filter out distractions for focused work but also take breaks for family, friends, colleagues, and unavoidable interruptions.
All three levels of access are necessary for success in the workplace today. But they should be exercised only at the appropriate time, and everyone should understand the rules of the game. Discuss expectations with your team and give them the tools for focused work throughout the day. Take a similar approach at home. And make sure you develop Communication Compacts for both parts of your life.
How to Assign the Areas in Your Life a Level
Now that you know the levels, you can assign the various areas of your life and work into the level. Here's how:
- Write down the major spheres of your life (work, home, social, personal, community/church).
- For each sphere, make a list of the major activities and who is involved in each. It's helpful to refer to your calendar. You don't need to get too specific. If you watch Game of Thrones one night and basketball the next, just label it evening TV.
- Reorganize the activities in order of importance.
Designate Level A, B, or C for each activity.
- For each Level B category, answer the question: Who gets let in and how?
- For Levels A and B: What tools need to be in place? What conversations do I need to have?
Moving forward, include the access level when you add activities to your calendar.
Blurred Lines
My first job was cleaning up on a construction site. At work, I worked. At home, I played video games and talked with my girlfriend for hours on the phone. The separation was clear.
This year, my wife and I had a house built, meaning frequent visits to the construction site. A framer, 15 feet in the air and balanced on two beams, answered his phone. The fireplace installer showed me countless designs floating across the screen of an iPad that no doubt contained personal e-mail and pictures of his kids. The landscaper e-mailed plans in the middle of the night while on vacation in Florida.
Today, the separation is far from clear.
Work isn't just work, and home isn't just home. Our people are navigating both worlds 24/7, and many of them need our help.
That starts with adopting a focus-wise approach to delineation and delegation.