CHAPTER 9 BREAKTHROUGH

HEAD

BRAIN BRILLIANCE OR BRAIN BALONEY?

The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.
It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.

–ALBERT EINSTEIN

Let’s pause and consider what you’ve done. You’ve identified a general sense of your life. Hopefully, you’ve drilled down to identify where you are Now and what seem to be triggers for burnout. It’s time to look at the positive and negative energy connections you’ve constructed through your thinking. You’ve created this burnout baby and now you have to stop, look, and listen to what your brain is saying.

Our brains talk to us. The problem is that, more often than not, the messages are not about the Now but rather about the past or the future. As John Milton wrote in Paradise Lost, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.” It’s why in the previous chapter I shared the wisdom of Eckhart Tolle. It’s a message I need to read frequently—as well as my own poem.

PAST PARALYSIS: BRAIN BALONEY

Stuck in the past, we regurgitate everything from old wounds and offenses to wanting life to be the way it used to be. I think of this as “past paralysis.” Past paralysis rests in the expression “the way we’ve always done it.” It’s sneaky and insidious, particularly in organizations, because few ever question why. One gentleman was exhausted from part of his job that every three months required him to compile a massive report that was distributed throughout the company. Then someone asked the folks who received it, “Do you read this?” Few even bothered to open it. Duh—take that one off the to-do list.

STUCK IN OUTMODED THINKING?

Reality check here. Do you speak up when you have identified outmoded practices? Do you encourage your team to identify procedures that waste time and human energy? Are there legacy systems that are considered sacred cows even though they stretch human beings too far? Is everyone on “the team” carrying their fair load? Are you transparent, telling your team why? On a personal level, is your energy being drained? Are you stuck because of past grudges, old hurts, or wanting your old life back?

Barbara, a highly respected PhD and an icon in her industry, realized it was time to sell the business she had grown from scratch. But she had not counted on the severe burnout that blazed when she was no longer the CEO. In her thinking, her identity was so merged with her organization that she felt useless and used up. Depression surrounded her life. Sleep became impossible. Going into her office was an exercise in futility. Who was she now???

Barbara’s burnout reminded me of Burt, an editor I knew years ago. When his paper was sold, he literally said, “I am a nobody now. As an editor, I had clout and could call anyone. Now I am nothing.” Barbara was lucky. A leaking pipe flooded her office and literally destroyed years of her articles, books, and files. It was her wake-up call that she needed to turn the page because that was then, and this is now. As for Burt, he disappeared from my radar screen. I can only hope that some proverbial “flood” unleashed an Act II in his life.

WHAT OUR BRILLIANT BRAINS CAN DO IS ADAPT!

The single word “adaptability” is best described in biological terms as having requisite variety. Simply stated, requisite variety means that the organism with the greatest number of responses to any given situation is the one that survives. You don’t have to be the strongest or the smartest to move from burnout to breakthrough. Rather, you have to be the one who will consider many options in life and not just remain frozen.

As Charles Darwin insisted: “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.” Unfortunately, Einstein was right: our thinking can hold us back. Adaptability begins in the brain, in our head! It’s where we begin to quench the burnout flame to refuel, recharge, and reclaim what matters.

WATCH YOUR WORDS

First—listen to the words we use in our head and then speak out loud. Specifically, listen for the phrase “I have to.” Every time we think or say “I have to …,” we become mired in quicksand. It says that you have absolutely no choice. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. We always have multiple choices. It’s just that we might not like the choices, or we stop with only one alternative. That is not requisite variety.

Viktor E. Frankl, Austrian psychologist and Holocaust survivor, and best known for his book Man’s Search for Meaning, offered this wisdom:

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. It’s not the stimulus that creates the outcome as much as the choice. Although it’s often difficult to execute, even in the most dreadful moments, we must remember the responsibility of choice.¹

Frankl insisted that, even in the horror of a concentration camp, individuals hold the power to choose their response. You do hold the power to build resilience when you begin to train your brain, creating new neural pathways, by getting into the habit of saying “I choose to …” And habits take at least twenty-one days to become more hard-wired. If you’re like me, it can take even longer.

Trust me. I teach what I need to learn. For example, when I started this book, I told my husband, “I have to write all day.” He corrected me and said, “No, you don’t. You are choosing to write all day. You can also choose to write for a couple of hours. Or only thirty minutes or …” (Isn’t it the pits when your very words come back to haunt you—particularly from the mouth of your best beloved?)

Consider requisite variety as a way of responding to your work. There’s a difference between a “job” and “work.” “Job” is what you do for a paycheck. “Work” is what you do for a life. It is that all-encompassing activity in which time becomes meaningless and you burn on all four burners. As Mark Twain insisted, “The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.” Ideally, your job and your work are the same. That doesn’t always happen. It might be that your job allows you the freedom to pursue your work. Or perhaps in this Now, you think you’re stuck with “the job.” That is not requisite variety.

EXERCISE A SIGNATURE STRENGTH

What talent or gift could you bring to your “job” that would add joy for you and your colleagues? Achor points out in The Happiness Advantage that each time you use a skill you are good at, there’s a burst of positivity.² He recommends taking a survey to identify your top five “signature strengths.” You can take the free survey at http://www.viasurvey.org.

No job is ever ordinary—particularly if one chooses to make it “work.” Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Work is love made visible.”³ Here’s an example of his words in action.

What if your “job” was in environmental services at a hospital ranked in the top ten in the United States? Environmental services is a cooler name for what the job really is—housekeeping! In a recent engagement to speak to nurses, I found myself mesmerized and smiling at a huge purple elephant painted on a window and at various other art objects tacked to a wall. To my surprise, the art is the work of a young, full-time employee in environmental services who, on her first day of work, noticed a window painted with a colorful pair of giraffes facing each other.

She decided to join the fun. “Art is something that makes people happy because they can relate to it,” she said. “People are battling cancer on this floor and it’s sad. Instead of always being sad, I wanted to help our patients feel better.” With the help of the nursing staff, patients and visitors on the unit now see pinwheels, paper flowers, and new window paintings. This talented housekeeper completes her projects on her breaks. According to the nurse manager on this specific floor, the young woman coordinates art projects for staff, patients, and visitors. She sings to patients, makes waffles for the nurses, and draws this amazing purple elephant on a window, all while keeping the floors spotless. As I learned more about this young woman, I realized she’s not a housekeeper—she’s a homemaker. She’s transformed a job into her work—love made visible!

So what if you are not a latent artist? There are still options to recharge your workplace. Here is the wisdom of Dr. Beverly Kaye, an expert in talent development and engagement and the author of Love It Don’t Leave It. In her creative best, Kaye has crafted twenty-six ways to get what you want at work.⁴ Imagine—twenty-six potential responses that can refuel and recharge your energy. Kaye insists, “You own your career. You are not stuck. Know yourself—what would create your ideal workday? What work accomplishments make you proud? Know your strengths—the big strengths. Ask others how they see you at work. Know your organizations. What are major changes in the industry that are taking place? What are on-the-job challenges and stretch assignments that can help you learn?”

I met Bev in 1984 when she had just completed her first book, Up Is Not the Only Way. Her insights then are even more valuable now. Your requisite variety—your ability to find multiple ways of responding to the Now—rests in realizing there are many options that can refuel and recharge your day. Much like climbing a wall, you might find opportunities to move laterally to learn. You might explore testing and researching changes in your current role. Think about seeding your current position with more chances to learn and grow. You’ll be astounded with the possibilities.

PRACTICE REVERSE GOAL SETTING

I had just turned thirty and married my amazing husband. I was working in a public relations firm, handling multinational clients. My entire job was to get these clients favorable press. It meant pitching editors, writing press releases, and holding press conferences. The majority of the clients assigned to me were in real estate development. I was good at doing the writing and the pitching, but I was not interested in it. I really disliked what I was doing. My burnout was prompted by the fact that I could not have cared less that some CEO got his picture on the cover of a magazine. I found no joy in organizing the grand opening of a housing tract. Handling the egos of executives and the demands of my company president drained my energy. Yes, burnout.

I felt locked in because neither my husband nor I had entered our marriage with much financial security. He was a consultant with three children. I had moved to California following a divorce. My possessions fit in the trunk of my Camaro. My sofa came from a yard sale, and my sister gave me her old dishes. You get the picture. In fact, it took Bill and me four months to find a house because it needed to be furnished and have reasonable rent.

My brain was baloney and not brilliant. My connections with my head were draining my energy. But then … How vividly I recall having this dream in which I was standing on the edge of a cliff. I heard a voice say, “Jump. I’ll catch you.”

Startled, I woke up, pushed Bill awake, and announced, “I’m quitting.”

His eyes popped open. “What are you going to do?”

“I have no idea,” I replied. “But I just can’t do this.”

“It’s okay,” he said, patting my arm. “We’ll always be all right.” (No wonder I love this guy.)

I gave one month’s notice and then proceeded to make a list of what I did not want—the process of reverse goal setting. In making that list, it was clear that I didn’t like the crapshoot of public relations. I wanted work in which I had some control over producing results that made a difference. I could write brochures, annual reports, and my own magazine articles about things that mattered while I explored what I might do.

Within two months of my “freedom,” a colleague asked me to craft a training program for adults at the community college. The two-hour class was How to Write a Business Plan. I did it and loved the interaction. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed teaching—even though it had been with junior high students in rural Florida. I had designed a few more classes for the college when, out of the blue, associations heard about my work and asked me to come present to them. I came to realize that those initial interactions offered me viewing points I had never considered.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had a growth mindset and I was working on a happiness advantage. Finding multiple alternatives for the Now can be more than reverse goal setting or reading a book. It also means expanding your thinking by asking someone for help. This requires both humility and vulnerability. You are seeking other viewing points.

USE YOUR BRAIN TO SEEK HELP WITH A BREAKTHROUGH

Seeking help is what began to pull Becky Sansbury out of her first burnout. “I began to farm out in any form or fashion—as long as it was safe and short term—care for any of the three precious individuals in my life: a toddler, a little girl, and a very ill husband. There were times I simply had to retreat for several hours, half a day, and even one full day. What began happening during that time, almost like a wound that begins to heal from the outer edges into the very raw, torn center, is that I began to have some points of healing and some points to be able to rediscover who I was at that time.” Becky’s adaptability came when she realized that there were other options to staying home and caring for three individuals. Taking time to rediscover herself was a valuable alternative that supported both her spirit and the family she had created.

Adaptability isn’t just a skill for individuals. On a macro scale, consider companies that were once icons of industry. An inability to adapt to changing times and an insistence on staying the course despite changing conditions devastated Kodak, Nokia, Blockbuster, Hitachi, and more. You and I are only smaller than these once-giants of industry. If staying the course is what drains your energy, then it’s time to consider alternative actions or, at the very least, to think, “I am choosing to do XYZ because …”

WHEN YOUR BRAIN TURNS TO BALONEY

Let’s learn how Hamza developed his adaptability when he hit his second and even more severe burnout. Recall that adaptability (or lack thereof) begins in our brain. Instead of creating connections that energized him, his thoughts zapped his strength. While today, pardon the pun, Hamza understands that denial is not a river in Egypt, in his run-up to 2014, Hamza was continuing his hard-charging take-no-prisoners-and-get-no-sleep work style. He derived any feelings of self-worth from the admiration and adoration of others and the image that he was a productive machine.

“I had started my own digital marketing and consultancy company called Splash Effect. I was also a professional in the Student Affairs Department at Ryerson University in Canada, where I won the Make Your Mark Award for my work as the Digital Community Facilitator, the first position of its kind in North America. It was a coveted, pioneering position and, as a change leader, I was celebrated across the country. I was feeding off the idea that here is this almost mythical position occupied by this hard worker who’s just breathing out and not breathing in. I was breathing out in the sense that I was writing e-books, whitepapers, and speaking at conferences, consulting, teaching, but there was no recovery. What happens when we breathe out and don’t breathe in? You pass out.”

The reality hit him hard when he was sitting, waiting to get his ride for a long-awaited trip to Europe, and he could not get up. “I wanted to get up and just get on that flight but I was physically incapacitated. My body was fighting against my mind. I was just essentially neutered by the reality of my body. I was sick, miserable, and my joints were locked. I was having trouble breathing. It was a total system failure … the result of months of chronic stress that went unmanaged, and no amount of rest, relaxation, massages, therapy, or medicine could help. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I was wasting away, festering with negative emotions.”

Time became part of his healing, along with his mind, which finally got restless. Hamza wanted to understand what had happened to him. “It was so confusing, I mean the shame of not being able to take the trip, being out of touch with family and friends, withering and wasting away. I was finally prompted to take action—to read everything there is to know about burnout stress and resilience. But first I had to say, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ It was my brain that nearly sabotaged me and itself. I think the challenge was that this brain of mine was constantly in two places at once. It was in the past. It was in the future. It was never here.”

I think Hamza lived a short distance from his body.

THE CURSE OF NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

Let’s look at another way our head talk drains our energy and reduces our ability to look at multiple ways to think, feel, and finally recharge and renew.

It’s all about RED ANTS!

Red-ant thinking is my term for negativity. It means finding all the worst rather than the potential best, and nothing will drain your energy faster and push you into burnout quicker. Some people are highly creative about coming up with “worst-case scenarios.” I have a relative who is a master at red-ant thinking. Let’s call her Millicent.

My siblings and I were driving with Millicent to see the wonderful autumn colors in New England. Just as we came around the bend of a country road, my sister suddenly shouted, “Stop! I must get a picture of those red and orange trees, that blue sky, and the church steeple.”

Susan hopped out of the car, and in a heartbeat Millicent muttered, “Well, I hope she doesn’t stand in red ants!”

Huh?!? Red ants?! Do you know how hard it is to even think of that? On her last visit with us, while driving on a winding road in the Hollywood Hills, Millicent observed, “Oh, there must be lots of accidents on this road.” Susan replied, “I’ve lived here for more than twenty-five years and have never seen one.” Millicent replied, “We’re not home yet!”

By the way, if you are a red-ant person, be warned: few people will want to be with you unless they, too, are red-ant folks who find great satisfaction in multiplying negativity.

Find a buddy who agrees to give you a sign (visual or written) when you start down this dark road. This is not to say you can’t vent, but put a time limit on it—say sixty seconds. At the end, ask yourself what a positive outcome or response could be. One client came to me complaining about a difficult boss. We brainstormed different responses and communication techniques. I also asked him to come in each week with at least three good things he had noticed about the boss. It was hard at first, but he grudgingly found three things, and then another three. Within a few months, their relationship had changed for the better! What my client did was focus on intelligent optimism.

THE GIFT OF INTELLIGENT OPTIMISM

The opposite of red-ant thinking is intelligent optimism. Intelligent optimism is looking at one’s life and reframing events, people, and activities in a way that offers hope and positivity. Intelligent optimism is a source of creativity. This is not being a Pollyanna or a cockeyed optimist. It is, once again, grounded in seeking requisite variety, which offers alternatives for responding.

For example, my colleague Jesse moved from Hartford, Connecticut, to Berkeley, California, which has a huge pricing differential in homes. Jesse found a place she wanted, made her best offer, and within forty-eight hours was told that another offer had come in higher than the asking price. Obviously disappointed, Jesse began exploring alternatives to her offer. What else might she do? She remembered she had some gold coins in her safety deposit box. She’d throw the coins into the offer. She realized that this was the first house the young couple had ever lived in and the only house their small children knew. She threw in the offer to allow the couple and their kids to come back on a few weekends to enjoy their memories while Jesse stayed someplace else. Lastly, she realized she knew the chief of police in the town the couple were moving to. She offered to introduce them to the police chief, so they’d have some kind of foothold in the area. Bottom line: she got the house.

Listen up: Jesse’s breakthrough idea came from reaching out to her network for other options. Refueled with possibilities suggested by that network, Jesse crafted another offer. Remember that seeking insights from others requires humility and vulnerability. Jesse certainly has every reason not to be humble. She has an incredible background: a master’s degree from Syracuse University, advanced degrees in psychology and family systems, and a doctorate in organizational development from the University of Massachusetts. Jesse’s weekly blog is ranked as one of the top 100 leadership blogs, and Inc. magazine lists her as one of the Top 100 Leadership Experts. Yet she needed other viewing points to be optimally adaptable.