10 Questions

“Hi Tom,” Bud said warmly as we walked through the doors. “Did you have a good lunch?”

“It was too eventful for lunch, actually,” I replied.

“Really? I look forward to hearing about it…. Hey, Kate.”

“Hi, Bud,” she said, walking over to the minifridge of juices. “Sorry I ruined your surprise.”

“I didn’t intend your coming as a surprise, actually. I just wasn’t sure whether you’d be able to make it, so I didn’t want to get Tom worked up for nothing. I’m glad you could come.” He walked toward the conference table. “Let’s all sit down and get to it. We’re a little behind.”

I went to the same chair I had sat in that morning, with my back to the window, near the middle of the conference table. But as I did so, Kate, who was sizing up the room, suggested that we move closer to the whiteboard. Who was I to argue?

Kate sat in the seat nearest the board on the other side of the table, and I took the seat across from her, my back still to the window. She motioned Bud to sit between us at the head of the table, his back to the board. “Come on, Bud. It’s your meeting.”

“I was kind of hoping you’d take it over. You do this better than I do,” he said.

“Oh, no I don’t. I’ll jump in now and then, but it’s your show. I’m here to cheer you on … and to relearn a few things.”

Bud sat down as directed, and he and Kate both smiled, obviously enjoying the friendly banter. “Well, Tom. Before we move into some new things, why don’t you review for Kate what we’ve done so far.”

“Okay,” I said, quickly collecting my thoughts.

Then I reviewed for Kate what Bud had taught me about self-deception: how at any given moment we’re either in or out of the box toward others; how, citing Bud’s airplane examples, we can apparently do almost any outward behavior either in or out of the box, but that whether we’re in or out makes a huge difference in the influence we have on others. “Bud’s been suggesting,” I continued, “that success in an organization is a function of whether we’re in the box or not, and that our influence as leaders depends on the same thing.”

“And I can’t tell you how much I believe that,” said Kate.

“I think I can kind of see it, too,” I said, wanting to be agreeable. “But Bud also said that this issue of whether or not we’re in the box is at the heart of most of the people problems we see in organizations. I must admit I’m not altogether sure about that yet. And on the way over here, you said that Zagrum’s reporting and measurement systems grow out of all this, and I’m really in the dark about how that would be.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet you are,” Bud said, looking pleased. “By the time we go home tonight, I think you’ll be starting to have a feel for all of that. At least I hope so. But before we move forward, you mentioned something about a busy hour and a half since we last met. Anything that pertains to what we’ve talked about?”

“Yes, I think so.” I went on to tell them about Sheryl and Joyce. Bud and Kate seemed delighted, and I got a little caught up in the experiences again as I recounted them. “That all went really well. But then … ” Without thinking, I almost launched into my problems with Laura. I caught myself just in time. “Then I called someone,” I said.

Bud and Kate waited expectantly.

“I don’t want to get into it much,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I was having trouble in my marriage. “It’s sort of irrelevant to what we’re doing here. But this particular person is pretty deep in the box, and all I have to do is talk with him and I’m in it, too. That’s what happened when I called. I was out of the box, I’d just had these two good experiences, and I just wanted to call and see how he was doing. But he wouldn’t let me do it. He wouldn’t let me be out of the box. He just slammed me right back in. Under the circumstances, I think I did about as good a job as I could have done.” I’d expected Bud or Kate to say something to this, but both remained silent, as if inviting me to continue. “It’s no big deal, really,” I continued, “it’s just that it has me a little confused.”

“About what?” asked Bud.

“About the whole box thing to begin with,” I said. “I mean, if others keep putting us in the box, what can we do about it? I guess what I want to know is, how can you get out of the box when someone keeps putting you in it?”

At this, Bud stood up, rubbing his chin. “Well, Tom,” he said, “we’re certainly going to get to how we get out of the box. But first we have to understand how we get in it.

“Let me tell you a story.”