19 Toward Being Out of the Box

“I do?” I searched my memory about the sessions the day before. I was sure we hadn’t talked about it.

“Yes. And so did I when I was wondering how to get out,” Lou said.

“Huh?” At that moment I was really lost.

“Think about it,” Lou replied. “As I sat there regretting how I’d acted toward my wife, my son, and my coworkers, what were they to me? In that moment, was I seeing them as people or as objects?”

“In that moment, they were people to you,” I said, my voice trailing off in thought.

“Yes. My blame, resentment, and indifference were gone. I was seeing them as they were, and I was regretting having treated them as less than that. So in that moment, where was I?”

“You were out of the box,” I said softly, almost as if in a trance, trying to locate what made the change possible. I was feeling a bit like a spectator at a magic show who sees the rabbit surely enough but has no idea where it came from.

“Exactly,” Lou agreed. “In the moment I felt the keen desire to be out of the box for them, I was already out of the box toward them. To feel that desire for them was to be out of the box toward them.

“And the same goes for you, Tom,” he continued. “Think about your time last night with your family. What were they to you last night? Were you seeing them as people or as objects?”

“They were people,” I said, amazed by the discovery.

“So if last night you were out of the box,” Lou said, “then you already know how to get out of the box.”

“But I don’t,” I said in protest. “I have no idea how it happened. In fact, I didn’t even know I was out of the box last night until you just pointed it out to me. I couldn’t begin to tell you how I got out.”

“Yes you can. In fact, you already did.”

“What do you mean?” I was completely bewildered.

“I mean, you told us about yesterday and about your experience last night, about how you went home and spent the evening with your family. That story teaches us how to get out of the box.”

“But that’s my point. I don’t see it.”

“And this is my point: Yes you do. You just don’t realize it yet. But you will.”

That gave me a little bit of comfort, but not much.

“You see,” Lou said, “the question ‘How do I get out of the box?’ is really two questions. The first question is ‘How do I get out?’ and the second is ‘How do I stay out once I’m out?’ The question you’re really worried about, I think, is the second—how you stay out. Think about it, and I want to emphasize this again: When you’re feeling that you want to be out of the box for someone, in that moment you’re already out. You’re feeling that way because you’re now seeing him or her as a person. In feeling that way toward that person, you’re already out of the box. So in that moment—like the moment you’re having right now and like last night—when you’re seeing and feeling clearly and want to be out of the box for others, what you’re really asking is this: ‘What can I do to stay out of the box toward them? What can I do to sustain the change I’m now feeling?’ That’s the question. And there are some pretty specific things we can do, once we’re out of the box, to stay out of the box—and particularly for our purposes, in the workplace.”

As Lou was talking, I started to understand what he meant. “Okay. I see how in feeling like I want to be out of the box for someone, in that moment I’m seeing him or her as a person, so in having that feeling, I’m already out of the box toward that person. I understand that. And I understand how once I am out of the box, the question then is how to stay out—and I definitely want to get into that. Especially applied to work. But I’m still scratching my head over how I got out in the first place—how my resentment toward Laura and Todd suddenly disappeared. Maybe I just got lucky last night. When I’m not so lucky, I’d like to know how to get myself out.”

“Fair enough,” Lou said, standing up. “I’ll do my best, with Bud’s help, to explain how we get out in the first place.”