Master the Coach and Connect Concept

Win before you begin.

Before you Coach and Connect, you need to understand some fundamental and unchangeable rules about people that will guide your interactions with them. Obey them and you’ll win; forget them and you won’t.

• People trust and believe others who like them and are “for” them.

• People distrust and disbelieve others who they perceive to be against them.

• People will never change until they feel understood.

• Everyone approaches situations thinking “What’s in it for me?”

Before you Coach and Connect an employee, ask yourself how you feel about this person. Do you like her? Are you really trying to help her, or are you trying to put her in her place? If you aren’t sincerely trying to help, you’re wasting your time, because your coaching attempts won’t work. She won’t be able to hear what you’re trying to say if you aren’t for her.

When perception and reality meet, reality loses.

Maybe you’re for her, but she perceives you to be against her. This is something that you need to clarify in words. I always let the person I’m coaching know that I am her career advocate. I don’t imply that; I state it in words. I want her to win, and that’s the reason I’m talking to her. Unless she believes that, and unless your sincere motive is to help her, you won’t achieve much.

A Coach and Connect session, as a rule, should take about 25 minutes. If it’s your first time using the Coach and Connect form it may take longer, but once you’ve gotten used to it, it’s not a big, formal deal, just a quick time to, well, Coach and Connect! Here’s what the form looks like:

Conducting a Successful Coaching Session

Compared with other performance review tools you’ve used, Coach and Connect may look pretty bare-bones. But the goal of the Coach and Connect session is to develop a positive relationship, make a commitment to each other around next steps, and have a reality conversation. When the Coach and Connect session is finished, the employee will be really clear about where she stands in the company.

Anyone who’s worn glasses with an old prescription knows the huge difference between “kind of clear” and “really clear.” Coach and Connect will help you to be really clear.

Let’s walk through the steps to take to conduct a successful coaching session.

Step 1: Decide on the Outcome You Want

Coach and Connect is a time to engage in conversations that don’t normally arise, even though you may work closely together. The person you’re coaching should leave his Coach and Connect session with:

• Clarity on where he stands.

• Knowledge of exactly what he needs to do next in order to be even better.

• A positive feeling that he can achieve what’s being asked of him.

If there’s a tough conversation to be had, think through what you want to say before you get in the room together.

Step 2: Create an Environment of Safety

A safe location is a physical place that represents neutral ground. That means the coach is not in the “power position”—no sitting behind desks or meeting in a space in which the leader has the power. It also means a place where there is some privacy, and you can both talk without fear of being overheard. Typically that means a neutral meeting room, a coffee shop, or even an outdoor picnic table. Be creative.

Assure the person that you won’t be discussing your conversation with his coworkers and that he can feel free to speak his mind. Make the person being coached feel safe.

Step 3: Let Him Talk

Before a person can hear anything from you, he has to “empty out.” If you begin by talking, he won’t hear much of what you have to say. It’s quite simple if you follow the form. Ask him, “What went well, and what could have gone better?”

The Coach and Connect form has an optional section for conversation starters. If your employee isn’t very talkative, or if you’re stuck for something to ask, choose a question or two from this section to “prime the pump.” Until he starts talking, the Coach and Connect hasn’t really begun.

There is a big difference between active and passive questions. An active question is one where the responder has to take some responsibility for his actions. Imagine the responses that you would receive to the question “Do people treat you well around here?” You would likely get a set of grievances. However, if you ask an active question such as “What are you doing to build positive relationships around here?” the onus is placed on the responder, not you.

Many people are under the misguided notion that someone else can make their life work for them. One day their spouse will wise up, meet their needs, and make them happy. One day, the world will figure things out and give them a set of circumstances (maybe winning the lottery) that will finally make things better. And one day, one day, maybe someone at their workplace will figure them out and serve up just the right conditions on a silver platter so that they can be happy.

Of course, this is a myth. The truth is that it’s up to you to make yourself happy. No one can do that for you. Two unhappy people who want their needs met don’t come together and make a happy marriage. Lottery winners are generally worse off after they win. And no workplace is going to make someone happy. Deciding to be happy is a choice that everyone has to make for themselves. As my mom said to me growing up, “If you want a friend, be a friend.” In other words, take action if you want things to change.

Use active questions to help your team member understand that he has to take action if he wants to have a positive work environment. He has to try his best to be happy, build positive relationships, find meaning, and set his own goals. You as the coach can help him, of course. You can advise him and be a sounding board and try to remove obstacles that are getting in his way, but it’s not your job to make someone else happy. Free yourself from that load of guilt.

Step 4: Ask Him to Plot Himself on the Star Chart

Begin with the vertical axis. Ask him to score himself out of five on each of your company’s right attitudes. Based on his scores, ask him to estimate where he would fit on the vertical axis of the chart.

Next, ask him to estimate his level of effectiveness, and plot the number on the horizontal axis of the Star Chart. Finally, encourage him to put a mark on the chart where the two axes come together. Ask him to elaborate on why he placed himself where he did.

During this time, you need to hold your tongue. You may completely disagree with what he’s saying, or believe that his remarks are unfair, unkind, blinkered, or unwar-ranted. Resist the impulse to correct him, defend yourself, or change his perception of reality. Just let him talk, and concentrate on being an active listener.

Active listening means:

• Paying attention. Shut off your phone, look directly at the person speaking, and listen attentively to make sure you understand what he is saying. Don’t gaze out the window or glance at your watch or roll your eyes or fiddle with your pen or disappear into your favorite fantasy. Don’t start mentally preparing your rebuttal. Really listen.

• Using body language to show you’re interested. Sit forward a little bit when he speaks. Nod when appropriate. Smile, and keep your posture open and inviting. Don’t cross your arms, clench your fists, scowl, glower, drum your fingers on the desk, or make harrumphing noises. Being civil is not good enough. Likewise, avoid leaning back on your chair, engaging in gaping yawns, sucking at your teeth, cracking your knuckles, doodling with a pen, blowing your nose, and so on. Encourage the speaker to continue, using small comments like “okay,” “yes,” and “uh huh.” Make notes if you wish.

• Asking clarifying questions. Use open phrases such as “Is this what I hear you saying...?” “When you say this, do you mean...?” “Help me understand that better,” and “Could you elaborate on that point?”

• Deferring judgment. As tempting as it may be to interrupt, this is not your moment to pontificate or argue with the speaker. Resist these temptations; only listen, ask clarifying questions, and take notes.

Step 5: Plot Him on the Star Chart

Now it’s your turn to plot him on the Star Chart. It’s critically important at this stage that you be honest, specific, and kind.

Let’s start with the first criteria: be honest.

When you’re dealing with a star, or even a potential star, this isn’t terribly hard. Just tell him the truth. Elaborate on areas in which you see him as strong, and areas in which you think he could grow. Explain why you place him where you do on the chart. Mirror the process that he just completed, beginning with right attitudes and then moving on to effectiveness.

Only the truth sounds like the truth. If you’re making things up to soften the blow, or trying to hide the truth, it won’t sound real, and the employee will see through your efforts at concealment.

Unaddressed people issues brew like volcanoes. Before the eruption, everything on the surface looks normal. The mountain is placid and calm, and it’s all business as usual. However, underneath this placid exterior is so much foment, heat, and upset that rocks are being liquefied; you just can’t see any of this from the outside. Then, seemingly without warning, the magma from beneath the surface bubbles up and there’s an explosion. This can happen externally in a verbal flare-up, through stress leave, a sudden acrimonious departure, or some other radical response.

Explosions can also happen internally. Internal explosions can include affairs, substance abuse, and depression. Whatever form it takes, when the explosion is over, a lot of dead, barren ground is left behind. The barren ground can be a person who carries hurts for a lifetime, a boss who feels cynical and burned forever after, or a team left wondering why a coworker was fired without warning. All of this could have been avoided if the lava had been slowly drained, rather than allowed to build up to critical, uncontainable levels.

So be honest. This honesty should not come from a mean or hurtful place, but because you care and want the situation to improve.

Once you’ve described his positive qualities, avoid using the word but. The but will negate in his mind all the positive things that you’ve just elaborated. Instead, substitute but with and.

And now the second criteria: be specific.

As much as possible, give examples to support your reasons for placing him where you did. If he scored very high on the attitude portion of the chart, tell him why, and be specific. “That day last month when Customer Jones blew up in the store and you handled his concerns so professionally is a great example of how you live out our right attitudes” is better than “You display a very professional attitude.” Your employee will be happy (and maybe astonished) that you noticed.

The same is true with areas for growth. “Last month when you came in late three days in a row, it was hard on the team because they all had to work late as a result” is better than “You could grow in the area of punctuality.”

And the final criteria: be kind.

Everyone has a huge, ego-based reluctance to hear negative things about themselves, and yet we all have areas in which we need to grow. These things need to be said.

Think about how you react when you’re confronted with things about yourself that aren’t great. Have you ever been defensive or irrational? You know you have.

The best way to help the receiver hear your comments is to be kind. That doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior, or saying that something was okay that really wasn’t. But being nice is free, and you should be nice whenever possible. That means not being overly picky and not sweating the small stuff.

Step 6: Ask for His “Commits”

At this stage, you’ve had a good, honest conversation and your employee has a clear understanding of where he falls on the Star Chart. Even if he disagrees, he’s heard your perspective. Now it’s time to make some commitments to each other about how things will before the next Coach and Connect session.

What’s his “commit”? Will he commit to being punctual, increasing quality in his area, changing his attitude toward a coworker, or repairing a relationship that’s broken? He should leave with a commitment that he’s willing to keep.

As the coach, you have a responsibility here as well. And this involves asking three straightforward questions:

1. How can I help?

2. Do you have any suggestions for me or the company?

3. Is there anything I should know about?

Question #1: “How Can I Help?”

Communicate your commitment to him. Will you look into further training or coaching for him, or help him to locate tools or equipment that will make his job easier? Will you help him by removing an obstacle that keeps him from doing his job right every time? Will you go with him to help repair a relationship? Or maybe you’ll let him know if he starts engaging in some destructive behaviour that you’ve discussed, but that he doesn’t notice in himself.

Whatever it is, ask how you can help so that you can make your “commit,” too, and then write them both down on the Coach and Connect form.

Question #2: Do You Have Any Suggestions for Me or the Company?

It’s at least theoretically possible that you’re not perfect either, and now’s the chance for your employee to have his say. You’ve made your comments, and it’s only fair that he has a chance to speak his mind, too. Listen without prejudice and see what you can learn.

Question #3: Is There Anything I Should Know About?

Interesting things come out when this question gets asked, and when employees know it’s coming and can think about it ahead of time. It’s an opportunity for them to be a whistle blower if necessary, or just to tell you something important that you don’t currently know. Some answers that I’ve heard when this question is asked are:

• One of the male leaders in the company is hitting on, and otherwise creeping out, the women who work alongside him.

• Someone is stealing money from the till.

Or more routine, but important things like:

• I want to go back to school and won’t be here in the fall.

• I’ve been offered a job by another company and don’t know what to do about it.

You just never know what will come out when you ask this question, and it’s a good one to throw in. Once you’ve moved through the questions on the form, you’re finished the Coach and Connect session.

How to Handle Disagreements About Star Chart Placement

At times a person will disagree with your placement of him on the Star Chart, and even after you’ve had an open discussion about it, he may still disagree, even passionately.

Imagine how you would handle this if the same thing happened on a baseball team and you were the batting coach. Let’s say your team member was striking out too often, and you sat down with the player and told him that he needed to change his stance at home plate so that he could achieve better results. Imagine that the player then told you that you were wrong, he was right, and he was going to stand however he liked, regardless of what you thought.

You would have some options, depending on your level of authority. You could choose at that point to appeal to a higher authority, and involve the head coach to get a second opinion on the matter and mediate a solution. If you were the general manager and held ultimate authority over the team, you could choose to tell your player that he was free to stand at the plate however he chose, just not while on your team.

If someone strongly disagrees with your placement, it’s actually a good thing, because it’s exposing a problem that needs to be addressed. It’s like an early medical diagnosis: It’s not what you want to hear, but if there’s an issue there, you want to know about it as soon as possible. It shows that a Coach and Connect session is timely and necessary. However the situation resolves in the end, Coach and Connect is the first step to breaking the logjam. Without it, this reality gap is going to increase and get worse, and end badly at some point in the future.

Engage in unfiltered dialogue with the employee. Involve higher levels of authority if necessary. Make sure you sort out the reality gap so that you can have a smooth-functioning team that operates without silos, turf wars, or secrets.

People Action Steps

• Try plotting yourself on the Star Chart before plotting anyone else. Be honest. Be specific. Be kind.

• Coach and Connect with your senior people first. Let everyone know that every single person in the company will go through the process.

• Gather positive stories to share with your A-boxers. The point of the interview is to encourage them and make them happy they chose to work with you.

In Summary

Win before you begin your coaching session. Remember these immutable laws of human interaction:

• People trust and believe others who like them and are “for” them.

• People distrust and disbelieve others who they perceive to be against them.

• People will never change until they feel understood.

• Everyone approaches situations thinking “What’s in it for me?”

When doing a Coach and Connect session:

1. Decide on the outcome you want. Win before you begin.

2. Choose a safe location to coach in—a neutral space.

3. Let him talk and “empty out.”

4. Ask him to plot himself on the Star Chart. Listen without judgment.

5. Plot him on the Star Chart. Be honest, be specific, and be kind.

6. Ask for his commitment for the future. What will he do to make a better workplace?

Also ask how you can help, if he has any suggestions for you or the company, or if there’s anything you should know.