Handle Those Tough HR Conversations

Dealing with the employees in the top half of the Star Chart is easy. These are people you like. They share your right attitudes and they’re good people. The bottom half of the Star Chart is a different story. Whether they’re productive or unproductive people, the conversations can be unpleasant.

In fact, there’s a tremendous temptation at this point not to tell the truth, but to soft-pedal what you have to say. “It’s too icky,” you’ll tell yourself. “It’s too hard to say what I really believe to be true,” or “Putting it out there will only make it worse.” This afflicts people at every level of the company, and it’s something that you have to push through to be effective.

Because of employer reluctance, an employee often misses the message in a typical performance review. Even though the reviewer knows that the employee is in a job-threatening situation, she doesn’t want to give too much negative feedback to the employee and risk a scene. So, she scales back, makes a few comments, and assumes that the employee understands that the situation is serious. Meanwhile, the employee has an ego-based reluctance to hear negative things about himself. Because of this, the reviewer’s scaled-back comments are further reduced in gravity.

Both leave the same interview with very different viewpoints. The reviewer believes that she has kindly but strongly implied that the employee had better change and that the situation is serious. The employee leaves feeling that, though there are some areas of disagreement between him and the boss, basically he’s fine. He chalks it up to a “difference in philosophy” or a “personality clash” or just that his boss was overly picky or had a bad day. Such vague conclusions only cause the reality gap to grow.

Conducting a Successful Reality Conversation

Now let’s walk through how to conduct an actual reality conversation. Just follow the formula, step by step, in this order:

Step 1: State your facts.

Step 2: Describe the patterns of behavior.

Step 3: Ask for his perspective.

Step 4: Agree on the next steps (his and yours).

Step 1: State Your Facts

Once you’ve worked through what went well, what could have gone better and finished plotting on the Star Chart, it’s your turn to state the facts as you see them. These should be as objective and specific as possible. They may include concerns such as:

• “You have been late for eight of your last 20 shifts.”

• “I have received complaints about your level of customer service from two of our key customers.”

• “Your sales numbers are 25 percent lower than they were last year, even though your colleague’s sales are up by 10 percent on average.”

This is a time to state any objective facts you may have. This part isn’t about how you or they feel, but what you know to be true.

Step 2: Describe the Patterns of Behavior

Typically, destructive behaviors will pop up again and again in different circumstances, all displaying a similar pattern that may have the same root cause. These might look like this:

• “You’ve been late for eight of your last 20 shifts, and I’ve also noticed that you’ve been late for all of our weekly staff meetings. In addition, twice I’ve seen that you’ve left early without completing your shift.”

• “We’ve had complaints about your level of customer service from two of our key customers. You’ve also been snappy to your coworkers two times in my presence this month.”

• “Your sales numbers are 35 percent lower than they were last year, even though your colleagues’ sales are up by 10 percent on average. I’ve also noticed that you seem unengaged and ‘down.’ You didn’t attend our staff meeting, and your budget was late, too.”

You’ve stated the facts that you know to be true, and you’ve elaborated on a wider pattern of behavior.

Step 3: Ask for His Perspective

His bad behavior is likely rooted in feelings, not thoughts. Until he feels understood by you, he will not be open to anything you say. Don’t assume that he has bad motives by making provocative statements such as “I can see that you don’t care about your job anymore” or “It’s obvious that you just don’t respect people.” Instead, ask for his perspective. Use active listening questions such as:

• “Is this what I hear you saying?”

• “When you say this, do you mean...?”

• “Help me understand why you....”

• “Could you elaborate on that point?”

• “Could you talk more about that?”

Listen, not to figure out what to say back, but to really understand the situation. Summarize what you’ve heard him say, and ask if you’re right or wrong about the patterns that you see. Show real interest in hearing his side of the story, and convey your sincerity to him.

Step 4: Agree on the Next Steps (His and Yours)

What happens from here? Is he going to meet with you every week to discuss progress? Is he going to enroll in a class or read a book? Is he going to apologize to someone? Are you going to let him go if he doesn’t make progress within three months? For his sake and yours, be very clear about what the next steps are.

The Importance of Clarity

Early in my career I did some work with a family business that was very nice to its employees—so nice, in fact, that they were unintentionally hurtful. By granting too many perks, offering too little meaningful feedback, and establishing zero accountability, they turned some otherwise good employees into lazy, entitled people.

One of the unfortunate recipients of this unintended harm was a person in a sales role who had been in his current job for three years and with the company for more than 20 in various roles. He had underperformed in most of them and been shuffled throughout the company, bumped from manager to manager—each enduring him until they couldn’t take it anymore and then passing him on to someone else. This phenomenon is known as “failing upward.”

During his three years in sales, he had never once met his targets. In fact, he hadn’t even paid for his seat. In other words, he had cost the company money every single month for the prior three years. He had mastered many parts of the job (consuming coffee, sitting through meetings, keeping his bum in his chair for eight hours every day, chatting with admins)—except for the part about inducing customers to buy products.

The owners felt that, this time, something had to be done. No more playing “hot potato.” They gave him four months to figure things out, after which they would let him go if he didn’t improve. They hired me to help him work through this process. The first thing we did was to establish the targets that he needed to hit so that he could keep his job.

When I met with the employee, we talked, set goals, and did all the things you do when you’re working against an important deadline. However, it became apparent in that first meeting that this deadline was important only to me. He was quite relaxed about the whole process. This seemed ironic to me, as I already had a job, while he was facing the prospect of not having one shortly. Shouldn’t he have been the worried one?

But he didn’t see it that way. He felt confident in the knowledge that this irritating process, like the flu, would pass in time, and it was his job to play along through the tedious task of sitting with me each month. I tried my best to convey the seriousness of the situation and convey his employer’s resolve to take action if things didn’t improve.

The next month, when I came to review his progress I discovered that he hadn’t done anything that he had agreed to do the month before—not one thing. So I again played the tape out to the part about him getting fired if he didn’t get better, and again made a to-do list with him that he agreed to get serious about.

The third month was the same song, different verse. Nothing done. This time I warned him, “You will be fired next month if you don’t get moving! Read my lips! Make some progress!” He was sheepish and acknowledged that he had been lazy but that now he was serious.

By month four, nothing had been done, and I came back, this time with the owner in tow. We sat him down. The owner recapped the situation and, with great sadness, told him that they were going to have to let him go. The guy immediately burst into tears.

Every boss dreads this moment, and no one really knows what to say. So I said, “Can you tell us what you’re thinking?” Without hesitating, he burst out, “I can’t believe this is really happening!”

This was the moment I learned that denial is not only a long river in Africa—but that you should never underestimate the human species’ amazing ability to live deeply in it.

Whatever you’re saying, make it crystal clear.

Five Instances When Coaching Doesn’t Work

If you’re deciding whether or not to pour extra time and energy into someone beyond going through the Coach and Connect process, make sure no roadblocks get in the way of having a winning engagement. Here’s when coaching doesn’t work:

1. When it is offered as an alternative to punishment.

2. When there isn’t a deep commitment to change.

3. When the person being coached has a flat (or declining) performance history.

4. When the main emphasis is on listening to the person’s feelings.

5. When the person can’t (or won’t) focus.

1. When It Is Offered as an Alternative to Punishment

Sure, we’ve all the heard stories about the cranky productive- but-difficult who pulls an Ebenezer Scrooge, sees the light, and is a changed person after being forced into coaching. Sometimes it snows in July, too, but I wouldn’t count on it as a regular event.

If, for whatever reason, the coachee isn’t interested in getting coached and growing and making progress, it isn’t going to work. None of us has the power to make a grownup do what he doesn’t want to do. He’ll just have another story of how he “tried that, and it didn’t help either.”

2. When There Isn’t a Deep Commitment to Change

When a person wants to see “a little progress” in an area, it isn’t likely that anything will be different in six months. If, for instance, a person has received feedback that she is hard to work with and she acknowledges it but goes no further than just saying the words “I would like to try to get better,” she likely won’t.

For real change to occur, the concerns not only have to resonate with her, but she needs to make specific, time-based commitments in order to improve. She needs to share these commitments with her coach and her team so that she has accountability.

The person being coached needs to be committed to progress. If she begrudges the time wasted sitting with you through the Coach and Connect process, this isn’t an auspicious sign of dramatic life change to come. Think of coaching like applying fertilizer: When applied to a green, growing plant, it speeds things up a lot and is critical to superior growth. When applied to a dead plant, it’s a waste of time, effort, and resources.

3. When the Person Being Coached Has a Flat (or Declining) Performance History

Though you’re going to Coach and Connect with everyone on your team, reserve your extra mentorship time for those who really want it, and show either a history of, or an interest in, developing an upward trajectory.

If an employee is on an upward trajectory, in all likelihood that’s going to continue. If his trajectory is flat or in decline, that’s likely going to continue, too. All of the trajectories will continue, in fact, with or without coaching. The upward person is still going to get there in the end. It’s just that they will get to their destination a lot faster with coaching. The flat/in-decline person will continue on his path, too. The only difference is that the frustration of attempting to coach him will take at least two years off your life, if you keep at it. And you’ll be renowned as a failed coach for your trouble.

I once spoke with one of the top business coaches in the world, and he told me that his secret to success was very simple: Just work with the top people in the world, and they make incredible amounts of progress because of who they are. They’re going to be amazing whoever they work with! And then the coach can bask in some of their reflected glory.

The best indicator of future progress is past progress.

4. When the Main Emphasis Is on Listening to the Person’s Feelings

Successful coaching is about adding tools and accountability so the coachee can see if she’s had good or bad week or quarter, and adjust accordingly. A friend with an ear and a shoulder to cry on is a great thing to have in life, but that’s not the job of the coach.

Have you ever tried crying to your football coach about how your feelings were hurt? You wouldn’t get his sympathy, because it’s his job to help you become the person even you didn’t know you could be. It’s your mother’s job to listen to you and wipe your tears and tell you that it’s all right. Both roles are important; remember which role you’re playing.

5. When the Person Can’t (or Won’t) Focus

For coaching to work, it has to move to the center of the “concern plate.” Sometimes that’s about timing. If a person (even an upward trajectory person) can’t make the time or doesn’t have the desire at present to make coaching a priority, it’s probably not going to accomplish much.

To increase performance, add structure. Think of how things progress as you move up in a sport. When you play a game of road hockey in the street, you come with your own stick after your homework’s done and go home when your mom calls you in for dinner. The rest is made up on the fly.

When you play beer league hockey, you pay some money for ice time, buy some equipment, show up (everyone hopes), and skate around and get sweaty and have a good time. It’s more structured than road hockey, and your results are better, too—but not great.

But when you play NHL hockey, structure prevails. Your eating and exercise and sleep habits are structured. The way you play the game is carefully planned and constantly examined. You get regular, immediate feedback about every aspect of your game and how to improve it; as a result, you play at a much higher level.

People Action Steps

• Practice active listening at home before you use it at work. Take your spouse or a friend out for a coffee, shut off your phone, and walk through the steps.

• Find your own coach. You could agree with a friend to coach each other. It doesn’t have to cost money to be effective.

• Find a friend who would like to grow. Write down one or two questions that each of you would like to be asked every day, something like “Did I do 100 push ups today?” or “Was I on time for every meeting today?” Text each other a yes or no every night before bed, indicating whether you or not you did it.

In Summary

In a tough reality conversation:

1. State your facts. Be clear about the behavior that needs to change.

2. Describe the patterns of behavior.

3. Ask for his perspective.

4. Agree on the next steps (his and yours). Be really clear on what needs to change for the relationship to work and what will happen next if it doesn’t.

Don’t waste your time coaching if:

1. It is offered as an alternative to punishment.

2. There isn’t a deep commitment to change.

3. The employee’s performance history is flat or in decline.

4. You’re just going to talk about feelings (rather than press on toward clear goals).

5. The person can’t focus on coaching as a top priority.