PART ONE
Relationships
I’ve always believed that one woman’s success can only help another woman’s success.
—Gloria Vanderbilt, artist, author,
actress, heiress, and socialite
The first tool in moving from competence to confidence involves understanding and mastering the power of relationships. While many of us feel we should navigate these waters alone, the fact is that powerful relationships can greatly enhance and accelerate our ladder to success.
The Power of Relationships
Our relationships are connected to our networking abilities, which I consider one of the “secret ingredients” to becoming confident to the core. With a strong network in place, full of targeted people and special allies, you can exponentially increase the knowledge base, skill set, and opportunities necessary to enhance, further, and strengthen your career. Relationships are vital to gathering the information we’ll need to succeed, as well as developing our in-house brand in the most flattering light.
Many women form fun, lasting, and friendly relationships at work that don’t necessarily contribute to their growth as potential leaders but do promote their physical and emotional well-being. This is healthy and good. It enhances our experience at work.
However, the relationships I’m referring to are not only mutually beneficial but powerfully growth-inducing. These “power relationships” are designed to accelerate your career.
Such power relationships come in many different forms:
The team member who supports, challenges, nurtures, and enlightens you
The manager who drives you to excel
The peer who supports, encourages, and aids your desire for personal and professional growth
The mentor who continually questions and challenges your choices, often with a positive result
The people you trust who tell you the truth
The leader who inspires you
The powerful allies and sponsors who can open doors and provide you with opportunities
It’s important to remember that valuable relationships are not static but are always shifting, evolving, growing, and changing. Peers become managers, managers become leaders, and team members get promoted, shifted, downsized, or move on to a different organization. Branches grow and divide. The larger and more powerful your network, the more dynamic, changing, and powerful you become as you grow along with it.
So, factoring all of that in, how you show up for your relationships and whether or not you’re considered reliable, innovative, and a team player are all vitally important to your future.
Never forget that as part of an organization, nothing you do exists in a vacuum. Everything you do is either affected by or affects others.
Putting the “Power” in Power Relationships
Unfortunately, many people simply don’t realize the value in relationships. As a result, they ignore opportunities to form relationships in favor of “just doing the work.” The problem for most people, I think, is that relationships are never black and white, and they have a long shelf life.
Relationships are one of those invisible components that help determine our success. But unlike a pay grade, security clearance, parking space, or job title, you can’t necessarily put a finger on how valuable they are . . . until you need them or they need you.
And relationships are always valuable. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used my network to complete an assignment, fill a position, gather crucial information, host a seminar, write the blurb for a book, answer a question, make an introduction, or somehow improve my life and career.
I’m regularly asked to contribute, aid, assist, mentor, coach, or otherwise influence any number of the people in the key relationships in my professional network—and I do so gladly because over time I have learned that the secret to good relationships is to give as much as you get. Being generous, supportive, and helpful with your network is critical.
Instead, I fear, too many people treat relationships like step-ladders, using them only to get a leg up on the competition, without ever reaching a hand back to help those who are on their way up. These are relationships in name only, the very antithesis of the power relationships that enhance the lives and careers of both parties. One of my favorite expressions is “lift while we climb.” We do that by helping others—especially women—as we move up.
Leadership is a cultivated skill and, like any path, follows twists and turns, switchbacks, and pit stops that require us to improvise, adapt, and overcome along the way. We simply can’t, and shouldn’t, do it alone.
The more relationships you nurture, the more people who are in your network, the more resources you’ll have to tap as you successfully navigate your own path to leadership. The fewer relationships you’ve fostered in and out of the workplace, the fewer resources you’ll be able to draw on in times of need.
Sara King, the Principal of Optimum Insights, Inc. and a Faculty Adviser at the Half The Sky Leadership Institute, says, “We cannot underestimate the value of a strong network, which is about developing a variety of relationships, both internal and external. It’s really about spending your time building those relationships with people in order to create visibility, in order to have greater understanding of career opportunities and gain more knowledge about your own choices.”
Women tend not to spend enough time on networking and building these power relationships, connections, and resources. Then, when they ask for help along their leadership path, they find they are limited in the number of people who can help them succeed. Women are often so busy doing “the work” and taking care of others that they forgo taking care of themselves and building their own networks. We all have time for a coffee or lunch at least once a week with a colleague, mentor, sponsor, ally, or client who can help support our goals as we build our brands.
Mentors, Sponsors, Advocates, and Champions
Many of the women I interviewed for this book were adamant about not just networking effectively but actively seeking out mentors, sponsors, advocates, and champions.
Case in point: EVP and COO of Cox Communications Jill Campbell insists, “I think it’s important to listen and get lots of perspectives on yourself. So surround yourself with different people.” On the matter of mentors versus sponsors, Jill adds, “People talk a lot about having mentors. I think that’s important. But I think it’s equally important that you have a sponsor. Women tend to think that their work is going to get them there, but they’ve got to figure out somebody in the organization who is going to take notice of them and who says, ‘Wait a minute! What about Jean? Look at the good work she’s doing. I hear she’s terrific.’ So I think being very deliberate about having a sponsor is important.”
Natalye Paquin, Chief Executive Officer of the Girl Scouts of Eastern Pennsylvania, agrees. “Identify advocates and develop an authentic relationship with them,” she explains. “I look at advocates as different from coaches or mentors. You know, advocates are at tables that you are not, and they could open doors for you. And they can speak on your behalf, and really fight a battle for you or get in front of you, when you would never have that opportunity or you don’t know the opportunities that exist. I think it’s really important to develop authentic relationships with individuals who are around tables that are different from yours that you aspire to join so that they can advocate on your behalf.”
Vernice “FlyGirl” Armour, whom we met earlier, refers to herself as the CBO, or chief breakthrough officer, for VAI Consulting and Training, LLC. Weighing in on the subject of sponsors, she explains, “Mentors give you guidance and help you out, but sponsors are the people who are willing to bang their fist on the table for you. They speak up at the conference. They’re in a position of influence to actually be able to sponsor you into something, which is just essential. Over 74 percent of women are mentored, but they’re not promoted that way. Why? Because they don’t have the sponsors in place.”
Finally, Sara King says, “You have to have people who are advocating for you. There’s a lot of language out there—for women—about the differences between mentors and sponsors, and I do think having advocates who are putting your name forward in places that you are not present can’t be underestimated.”
Relationships Strengthen Your Brand
Simply put, relationships strengthen your network and, in turn, your network strengthens your organizational brand. Remember, all of your workplace behavior reflects on your brand. The stronger your brand, the stronger your confidence level—real and perceived.
For me, the biggest issue surrounding relationships is building your network to ultimately grow your personal brand. I like to say that there is a difference between a network and a support group. A network is an exchange of information, power, and opportunity. A support group is a circle of friends who may support you but not necessarily foster your growth as a potential leader.
Networks and support groups are equally important, but in distinct ways. As I warned earlier, it’s important to remember that just having friends and people you enjoy being with is not enough to grow either your network or your personal brand.
The true value of relationships lies in having access to power, resources, and opportunity in ways that wouldn’t exist without a network, or even in a limited one with few connections. Just as important, relationships are directly related to your personal brand and how people perceive you as a potential partner, colleague, peer, or leader.
Think of your brand as the unwritten—but undeniable—“echo” that remains after you leave the room. This is a good time to explore your own brand and ask yourself:
What is left behind for people to remember?
What is the impression that remains long after you’re gone?
How did you treat people?
What did you say?
How did you say it?
Whom did you say it to?
How was it received?
All of these issues, and dozens more, contribute to the brand you’re creating with each interaction, relationship, and connection. For women in particular, how you treat people and how proficient you are in your current role is what really helps determine how strong—or weak—our personal brands may be. How you interact with people helps determine whether or not they will become allies, sponsors, and mentors.
Profile in Confidence:
Jennifer Dieas, Founder and CEO, Golden Girl Chicago and Glowout Salon
I feel like confidence is the ability to go from trial to trial without letting it break your spirit. There are daily turbulent situations that we could go through, but if you’re confident and you believe in your vision and what you’re doing and your purpose, then it never rattles you too much, because you always can come back to that center of knowing what you’re doing and knowing what your purpose is. One of the most important things to me is to build solid relationships with other people whom you admire, people who know more than you, so that you can constantly be grooming yourself as you go.
Researching your trade and constantly perfecting and fine-tuning your skill set is super-important. I do that probably six or seven times a year on a major scale where I travel and go to other leaders in my industry, and it’s fun to be a client again. So, I think taking yourself out of a leadership role and going back to the basics and being a student is really important.
I moved to Chicago without contacts—without anything. I decided I was going to go full steam and start this business and the concept that I was doing was new, so not only was I a new company but the concept of the service that I was providing was new to people. So I had to be prepared to have a lot of people tell me “no,” and to never let that dampen my spirit.
I think that’s something that’s been able to sustain me, because not everybody is your ideal client, not everybody wants your service or believes in your service, and that’s okay. And not everybody believes in how you view your vision and how you view your service, and that’s okay, too. There’s plenty of abundance . . . plenty of companies and people are free to choose what feels right to them. So I always feel like it’s not letting the no’s or any kind of outside influence dampen your spirit. You just have to keep going.
Linking In to Stand Out
Another aspect of relationships we’ll be covering in this section of the book is how to build them both inside and outside of your current workplace. That’s because building relationships in today’s world is broader than the people in your office or down the hall from you. A great place to start building relationships outside the workplace is on LinkedIn.com, where your brand is up, running, and on display 24/7/365.
Whether you’re looking to expand or simply connect with other professionals in your industry, LinkedIn is a go-to platform where you can highlight your accomplishments, increase your exposure, and stand out. In fact, 70 to 80 percent of job searches actually begin there. LinkedIn is among the first places people go to check out your profile, look at your headshot, and find out about you before you meet. People even use LinkedIn to check out coworkers in their own companies.
Why is exposure outside the office so crucial to potential leaders? In this day and age, social media is not just a powerful tool but a critical skill set to master. When it comes to networking, having a stellar profile on a site like LinkedIn, and knowing how best to navigate its ins and outs, will put you in good standing whether you want to grow in your own organization or get hired by another one.
In essence, LinkedIn is a marketing tool that allows you to control, and even accelerate, how others view your brand. From your profile picture to your description of yourself, to your awards, accomplishments, and education, your brand is accessible to millions of potential network members. Relationships, recommendations, and reputation get impacted—big time—by how you show up on LinkedIn. For better or worse, it can make a real difference in the strength—or weakness—of your brand. Checking up on your LinkedIn network for as few as 10 minutes daily is another way to build relationships that may lead to bigger and better things for you and for those with whom you connect.
One additional aspect to consider: using LinkedIn to make connections in your community. Are you creating the right—or even any—relationships there? Are you exposing yourself to different ways of thinking? Finally, is there an element of diversity to your relationships and how you see the world?
Remember that networks aren’t built around the watercooler alone. Branch out—online and into the community—to connect with and build relationships with like-minded, interesting, and encouraging folks.
Relationships take time, care, and nurturing in order to grow, foster, and mature into something mutually beneficial for both parties. Lisa Chang, the SVP of Human Resources whom we met earlier, explains, “If I think about almost every situation where you are trying to build a reputation, or credibility, or a relationship with anyone from a business standpoint, it is always about making that person feel like there is a mutual best interest involved. And if you are overconfident, I think there are times when the other party may feel like, well, that person is not really looking out for my best interest and so that can be a real turnoff. Whereas someone who is truly comfortable and confident can come and talk about how the relationship can be mutually beneficial. It’s a series of balancing compromises.”
It’s hard to create relationships when you’re in a crisis. That’s why taking the time to attend networking events or to reach out in a positive way to local organizations is an investment in your future that can reap solid benefits when a crisis arises.
The Takeaway
Ultimately, the bonds you build with others, in and around the workplace, strengthen as you continue to foster, take from, and add to the relationship. And, as you can see, building relationships leads to a strong foundation for our next topic: networking.