It would be great if this could be the shortest chapter of the book, but all too often we take our loved ones for granted and in the process create unnecessary challenges for ourselves. Like any area of life, your relationships with family and friends can be better (or much better) with some tools, techniques and a bit of effort.
Let’s start with your friends. Friends are wonderful; when you want to spend time with them, they’re aligned to your beliefs, generous, supportive and not too needy. You know your friends and they know you. They know exactly what to buy you as a gift and they never outstay their welcome. They call you at just the right time, remember what’s important and they have a sixth sense when it comes to giving sympathy or advice in just the right amounts at the right time. Does that sound like your friends?
Most likely your friends do a bit of all of the above now and then, scattered thinly with a healthy dose of calling when it’s most inconvenient, showing off, talking about you behind your back, buying you ill-thought-out presents (that aren’t nearly as good as the ones you bought them) and not really understanding you or your needs, wants and desires.
Or have I been too mean because yours land flatly somewhere in between? ‘Hey they’re my friends, there’s not much I can do!’ I hear you cry.
What if you were to Flip It and make a decision that you weren’t happy with second best and wanted to get the finest out of your friendships? Well, now is as good a time as any to start.
Let’s start by making a list of your top eight friends who you spend most of your time with. Write their names on the list opposite. They can be neighbours, work colleagues, old school friends, etc. Then, next to each name, make a rough calculation of how much of your time you spend with each one. To make this easy, assume you are awake and available to spend time with other people for approximately 100 hours a week.
Now take a moment to give them a score from 1 to 10 on the following scales.
How positive or negative (+ or −) are they? Very positive would be a 9 or 10 and negative would be a 2 or 3. They may of course be somewhere in-between. Make 5 your neutral point.
Here are a few examples to help you to score.
Next, score the amount they ‘give or take’ in the relationship. Measure this as very giving being high and taking being low. Again make 5 your neutral point.
Here are a few examples to help you make your score.
OK, that’s probably been quite tough so well done if you’ve completed the first eight names. Now, assuming you have done the exercise, you can plot where your friends land on this simple grid.
I’ve added a couple of examples so you can see how it works. In the example below, Tom received a 6 for being a giving person but only a 3 on the negative to positive scale. So he lands in the top left quadrant. Sue on the other hand is very positive and giving and ends up in the top right quadrant.
Once you have plotted your eight friends, you will begin to see who you should consider spending more time with and those for whom you may need to develop some different strategies.
Here’s my description of the four quadrants.
Do those descriptions sound accurate?
When my wife Christine and I first created the ‘friends grid’, we tested it with some of our mates. It was amazing to see their reactions as they discovered why they felt differently about some pals and friendship groups. After a couple of minutes of consideration they all asked the same question: now what do we do?
Here’s your choice. If you are really happy with your friends, the time you spend with them and what you get out of the relationship then you needn’t do anything. But this book is about Flipping It and getting the best out of everything – and that includes your friendships.
Here are a few thoughts about what you may wish to do with the friends in each quadrant.
Let’s start with what I call the ‘3E’ line. It starts at the top right, goes through the centre and ends at the bottom left.
The closer your friends are to the top right of the grid the more you should focus on the first E and ‘elevate’ them.
The closer your friends are to the bottom left of the grid, the more you should consider the third E and work out how you can ‘eliminate’ them.
OK, time for time out. When I say eliminate I don’t mean call up a few dodgy guys in heavy overcoats. And I’m not suggesting that if a friend is in need of help and finds they are there due to current circumstances that you immediately block them out of your life. But I am implying that you may have to take some action to protect yourself from the people who routinely end up here. I really do believe you can do this in a positive way.
People who land in the central area of the line can be ‘upgraded’ with a little of the final E – ‘education’.
This makes anyone who lands on this line from the centre bottom left to top right easy: 3Es elevate, educate or eliminate. Now here’s the detail on the quadrants.
Tell your friends in the ‘growers’ quadrant how much you appreciate and value them. They’ll love it.
I bet you have some friends you feel you are in competition with. And I bet you have some friends who feel like they are in competition with you. And while we’re being honest I bet you focus more of your energy on the people who you consider to be better than you.
I’m sure this began when we were teenagers (or even younger) when it seemed like everyone you knew had something or did something better than you.
I had a very wise uncle who, when I would nag him about how everyone seemed to have whatever it was I wanted, would say, ‘Michael, you will always feel like you’re not as good as some. But keep this in mind, you should also know you are much better than others.’
By being in competition with friends, family and colleagues there are going to be times when you feel like you just don’t measure up. These feelings don’t make you any better but there are actions you can take which will make you feel great.
Time to Flip It. Spending time with people who are better than you can be brilliant if you go into it with a different mindset. Rather than being resentful or jealous, Flip It and make it an opportunity to raise your game. If these people are your friends then that’s something to celebrate and a wonderful opportunity to ask for advice and pick up some tips from them. Park the envy and focus on what you can learn from friends like these.
Now let’s Flip It again and consider some of your friends who no doubt feel you are better than them. If that’s the case then at all costs avoid arrogance. Sounds obvious, but it sneaks up and before you know where you are, wham, you’re bragging. Sometimes when you think you are just sharing the exciting things that are happening to you, your friends hear it as arrogance. If you’re in doubt, take some time out.
Have a snack – a nice big slice of humble pie
You can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends. Choose well; choose to be brilliant with your friendships and your friends will choose to be brilliant with you.
Being in love is the ultimate positive state. When you find love it magnifies everything that’s amazing about life; it’s like the very best friendship on fire! And as with anything so remarkable and precious, it takes luck and a bit of effort to find it and a mountain of skill to sustain.
If you’re in love, I will share with you some methods for maintaining and boosting it. If you haven’t found love, have loved and lost or don’t know what all the fuss is about, then I think we’ll start with you.
‘One day my prince will come’ is a statement that is as romantic as it is unlikely: (1) princes rarely just show up; (2) if they do they are normally so full of themselves you won’t fancy them; and (3) ‘Once upon a time in a land far, far away’ isn’t now and you’re here!
So which do you think will work best: sit around and hope that Mr/Ms Right will stumble across you eventually, or get out there and find them for yourself? I know it might feel frightening but, yes, the right answer is number two.
I’m going to split the next section into two parts. The first is written by me for men. The second is written by my wife Christine for women. I would suggest the women should not read the men’s section as you may not like the advice. Similarly, lads don’t read the girls’ bit.
Here’s a simple list of dos and don’ts if you are looking for love.
OK girls, your turn.
So did you follow my advice and not even dream of reading the other list? Or did you decide to Flip It and take a sneaky peak? Thought so – we are fascinated in what the other sex wants.
So are you ready to go for it? Well what are you waiting for? Oh yes, the actual ‘how you meet someone’ bit.
You probably won’t meet that special someone sitting in front of your TV wishing your life away. But you may just meet them sitting in front of your computer. Did you know that one in six people who were married in America in 2009 met online? Online dating has evolved massively over the last few years.
Here’s a little secret about people who are using online dating sites to meet someone – they want to meet someone. The same can’t be said for those in bars, clubs or at parties, where you have to dance around the whole ‘are you looking?’ routine before you can move on.
So if you don’t want to move much further than your laptop to get started, could you park your prejudice and go online?
Now what about getting out there, exploring real life and meeting strangers? Arrrgggghhh. But what if I get rejected? What if I fail? What if I’m the ugliest person in the room? What if I’m the only single person there?
OK, time to Flip It. What if there are lots of single people there? What if people find you incredibly good-looking? What if you get a date? What if you find love?
I have a male friend who could walk into a room genuinely believing every woman in there would be attracted to him. He was ‘no oil painting’, as my grandmother would say, but he always found several women who found him appealing. And when he did face rejection he would be polite, smile, move on and quietly say to himself ‘next’.
OK, you’ve got over the biggest hurdle and met someone. You like them, they like you, you really enjoy each other’s company. Could this be . . . love?
I was asked in an interview to define ‘being in love’. I described it like this: ‘It’s when your heart skips a beat as your partner walks through the door.’ If you can still say that after loving your wife for 20 years and still feel your heart skip, then I think you’ve cracked it.
I don’t think you can rely on luck to get you there
There are three levels in a relationship. Once the honeymoon period of a new relationship has ended (and it will) then you must focus on upgrading your relationship to level 3.
A level-3 relationship really needs Flip It thinking as it requires trust and commitment at the highest level. It’s also essential that both people are at that level. Can you imagine a relationship with one person at level 3 and the other at level 1?
Here’s a tip for the blokes. You know when you and your partner get in from work and she’s had one hell of a day and wants to tell you all about it?
She’s describing her day in glorious technicolour and midway you think you’ve got the answer to her problems and you can save her. So you chip in with your logical male wisdom and say, ‘You know what you should do . . .’ She doesn’t really seem to be listening to you. But you’re convinced you can fix it for her. So you keep going, throwing in how you can help and what she should do to rectify the mess.
Then you have a realisation. She hasn’t listened to a word you’ve said. All that brilliant ‘manvice’ and it didn’t make a jot of difference. Now you’re frustrated, she’s even more wound up and you were only trying to help!
It might go something like this:
MAN: | ‘Hi sweetheart, how was your day?’ |
WOMAN: | ‘Fine . . . except . . .’ |
MAN: | ‘Except what?’ |
WOMAN: | ‘My boss is driving me nuts. He completely overlooks me, gives me all the crappy jobs and nit-picks over the smallest things.’ |
MAN: | [Here comes the ‘manvice’] ‘You know what you should do?’ |
WOMAN: | ‘There’s nothing I can do, he’s the boss.’ |
MAN: | ‘Rubbish! If I were you I would . . .’ |
WOMAN: | ‘But you’re not me!’ |
MAN: | ‘I know, I wouldn’t have let it get this far, but now that you have, here’s what you should do.’ |
WOMAN: | ‘You have no idea what I have to do or what I can and can’t do.’ |
If that sounds like a familiar fail it’s because it breaks the first law of male/female relationships.
Men want to fix things and women want to be heard
I get about one in fifty people who tell me I’m being sexist saying that. If that’s you then forgive me, Flip It and let’s move on. Here’s the rest of my advice for the blokes.
Don’t assume that because a woman is having issues, she’d ideally like a man to come along and fix them for her. Generally speaking, if a woman needs something fixed she’ll fix it herself or she’ll ask.
Similarly, if you’re a woman and you’re speaking to a man, don’t assume he’s listening (unless you’re telling him the full-time scores). God was feeling quirky when configuring the male and female brains.
So let’s Flip It and re-run the same situation, but this time let’s use this newfound knowledge.
MAN: | ‘Hi sweetheart! How was your day?’ |
WOMAN: | ‘Fine . . . except . . .’ |
MAN: | ‘Except what?’ |
WOMAN: | ‘My boss is driving me nuts. He completely overlooks me, gives me all the crappy jobs and nit-picks over the smallest things.’ |
MAN: | ‘Tell me more.’ |
WOMAN: | ‘Oh, you know, I probably take it too personally, but in the last week there must have been half a dozen times when he’s made me feel like a second-class citizen.’ |
MAN: | ‘Really? Tell me more.’ |
WOMAN: | ‘Oh, there’s no more. I’m just venting.’ |
MAN: | ‘I know, but I’m happy to listen. Tell me about it.’ |
WOMAN: | ‘Well, on Tuesday . . .’ |
Got that fellas? Good.
Now here’s a tip for the ladies.
When your bloke gets in from work, let him watch the news or sport in his ‘cave’ (the lounge) for half an hour or so before you attempt any form of sensible communication.
That’s it. Simple. But then men are.
Men and women are different in many ways. The same differences that make intimate relationships wonderful one day can destroy them the next. Recognising this and enhancing the good parts while eliminating the bad parts is the key to a successful loving relationship.
I’ve been in love with my wife for more of my life than I haven’t. That’s pretty good going when you’re only 44.
I’ve found that invariably it’s the little things that can make or break a relationship. Those small things that show you love, care about and respect someone are so vital. Get them right and you’ve got a rock-solid foundation for your love.
Here are a few of the things we do for each other – see if they inspire you to come up with your own small ways of showing how important you are to each other.
So there’s a start for you. Finding love is the most amazing experience you will have. And who knows, when love goes well and relationships blossom, the next step for many is to grow that love and start a family.
Oh yes, good old family. Let’s start with an easy one.
How to get your kids to clear their plates and tidy their rooms without asking them.
I carried out a training day for a further education college prior to their inspection. They were very busy and couldn’t close the college for a day, so we had to hold the training on a Saturday.
On the posters and invitations the organisers listed what staff would learn if they were prepared to give up their day off and come to my presentation. Last on the list was one sentence which read: ‘Find out how to get your kids to tidy their bedrooms without asking, bribing or nagging.’
Ninety-eight per cent of the college staff turned up! Guess what they all wanted to know? You’ve got it.
The brilliance of this technique is that it can be used to encourage anyone to do almost anything. I bet that’s got your attention.
Here’s how it works. Children, especially teenagers, come pre-programmed with an automatic aversion to tidying their rooms. Most parents use nagging and cajoling to try to persuade their kids to tidy up. It doesn’t work. So what do they do? The crazy parents push harder.
Faced with this exact predicament with our son, Christine and I halted our conventional thinking and decided to Flip It. Our idea was radical and came with a fair amount of risk.
From that day on, we decided to give only positive feedback to our son about his room. We would search for somewhere he’d made tidy or for something he’d put away or cleaned and compliment him on it. Some days that was a tough call!
After initial confusion, including the revelation from him that he ‘knew exactly what we were doing’, we stuck with it. It took around two weeks to see a difference but slowly and surely his room became tidier. In fact, much tidier!
Conventional persuasion techniques don’t often persuade, they just appear to be easier and provide a quick fix. Families deserve more
Imagine for a moment you focused all your energy on what was right with your family. What might it be like? Most families, for one reason or another, end up being lazy in their relationships. At first it’s not a big deal, but then when things are going wrong they try to fix them but it’s too late.
I’ve met fathers who focus more on ‘the business deal’ than they do on their amazing daughters. I’ve seen wives who care more about promotion than they do about their partner. And too many husbands who care more about their ego than they do about anyone or anything.
It’s easy to be lazy in a family relationship because often the cost isn’t clear until it’s too late. Families forgive faster than friends. Families will take more crap than colleagues. And families make excuses for their loved ones and put up with more than is necessary.
Face it – we can all do better.
Here are 10 things you can do with relatives, from your closest to your most extended, that are guaranteed to make a family fantastic.
Working on relationships is challenging but very rewarding, especially when you are faced with one of life’s tragic but great certainties.
It is an inevitable part of life that people will die. Can Flip It help during these times? I believe so. In fact I believe that often our own Flip It thinking takes over naturally during these times. We remember what we cherished about the person, we come together, we show compassion and we care.
During the process of grieving many people feel guilt. They may be aware that they haven’t seen or spoken to a person for some time. Perhaps some things were left unsaid or they could have given more to the relationship.
Grieving is a natural and expected process. Some people appear to be dealing with the loss of a loved one very well by refusing to grieve, only for their grief to manifest itself in other ways. There are three stages of grief.
The loss of a loved one is quite a challenging subject to write about in a book that is positive and clearly designed to help you get the best out of everything. I felt it was important to write about this now, so that when the time comes (hopefully in the very distant future) when you need this information you’ll be able to deal with the situation better.
I hope I’ve encouraged you to realise that when it comes to family and friends you can make a choice to create amazing connections that stimulate and magnify the very best of who you are, or you can sit back and just let stuff happen.
Friends and family define who we are and who we’ll become.
I hope that by reading this chapter you’ve decided to get the very best out of all your relationships. You’ll need your family and friends as you move through life and they’ll need you. That’s just one of the many reasons you need to be at your very best. It’s now time to . . .