What you’ll do in this chapter: | This will help you to be more confident in any work situation, especially: |
|
|
This chapter will provide you with powerful skills and techniques that will build your resilience for situations at work that might shake your confidence. In other words, this chapter will explore ways to cushion yourself so that you are affected less, rather like an air bag in a car, or knee and elbow pads for skateboarding. First, one of the most common confidence shakers - stress.
We all know what stress is, but try explaining it in a few sentences … it’s really difficult. It’s not that it’s particularly complicated, it’s more that it’s hard to put it into words, especially without experiencing it first hand, as I certainly have. It’s a bit like love or pain - you’ll know it when you feel it, but it’s hard to describe exactly what it is. The reason for that is probably the same - that stress is a combination of emotional and physical sensations. Anyway, here is what I find the best way to explain stress. I sidestep what it is for now, and describe when we’re likely to feel it.
At its simplest, you feel stressed when there is a feeling of unpleasant and unwanted pressure because of circumstances that make you feel one or more of these:
Though this is a definition of stress, it reads just like a description of what it feels like to lack confidence. So, it’s not surprising that low confidence goes hand in hand with stress. The thing is, stress doesn’t come with a label, so often we’ll label it in some other way, depending on how exactly we experience it - anything from tension, to fear, anxiety, panic, stress, nervousness, no confidence, scared, and so on.
As stress is a key feature in this chapter, there will be some extra ‘Chill times’ for you to try - beginning with this one.
If you have a willing friend or partner, massaging either the scalp or the shoulders and neck can help relax your entire body. You can give or receive this, and both participants should find it relaxing. Start with gentle, short, broad strokes, with flattened fingers, to warm up the whole area to be massaged. Then, still with flat fingers, use slower, longer and more gliding strokes, and light to medium pressure to release tension. If the pressure used could just crush a ripe grape under your fingers, you’ve got it just about right.
Almost everyone knows what it feels like to be stressed, even if it’s for the few hours before an exam, a driving test, during a job interview or an appraisal. Maybe you have been lucky and have never felt stressed, so you might be tempted to skip this section. Don’t! Most of the ideas and thoughts about stress given here will also be helpful in increasing your confidence. That’s because stress and low self-confidence are either end of a two-way street. Feeling stressed makes your confidence level fall. And lacking confidence produces stress. And, anyway, sometimes you’re the last to know that you’re stressed - so keep reading!
Stress is notoriously badly explained, because it is quite easy to misunderstand many aspects of stress and then pass this misunderstanding on to others. Also the internet has allowed many misunderstandings to go viral and be repeated over and over. This applies to every subject, not just stress. So, you may have heard some myths about stress that just aren’t true. Just because it’s in an article or book about stress, in a website or online discussion, doesn’t make it true. I’ll be busting those myths in this chapter. Sadly, the legislation that makes sure that advertising doesn’t mislead us does not extend to articles, websites, information leaflets and downloads, books and documentaries, or even the news! Whatever topic you’re looking for on the internet, or you hear about on a news broadcast, and especially if the subject is stress, pay attention to the following:
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company, 1863-1947
When your brain registers that you are experiencing stress, whether minor or major, the stress hormones, adrenalin and cortisol are automatically released to help you to cope with whatever is stressing you. This changes your body’s normal finely tuned chemical balance, which is usually working in the background on its default everyday setting without you having to raise a finger. You don’t have to tell your heart to beat, your lungs to breathe, or your bladder to produce urine, and so on. It all just happens.
But when your brain has registered that you are feeling unable to cope with a stressor, it turns the dial up to ‘under attack’, and alters all your default settings according to the level of threat. This would be fine if you were in physical danger, which this reflex action was designed for, in stone age times. You would be beautifully prepared to run away really fast, lift heavy objects, if one had fallen on you or a loved one, or to fight with a predator or hostile tribe. But here’s the rub. Though this reflex action is still a lifesaver in cases of accidents or other physical threats and dangers, stress at work is usually of a psychosocial nature. In other words, it’s when you feel a threat to you as a person. Your brain can’t tell the difference and presses the ‘red alert’ button, whether you’ve just stepped into the path of a car, or you’ve just realised you’re not going to make that vital deadline.
Here are just some of the other reasons for stress at work:
So, your body has prepared you for intense physical action, but there you are sitting in a meeting, at a desk, on the way home in the car or on a train. So, as you would expect, your body is in turmoil, all geared up to run for your life, but with nowhere to go. And this produces many physical symptoms, as well as changes in your usual behaviour and thinking processes, which you experience as the symptoms of stress - raised heart rate, increased breathing rate, changes to your thinking processes, anger, panic, and all the rest. And this can be very scary, if you are carrying out your everyday work tasks. So, your brain reacts by producing yet more stress reaction, more symptoms, you feel even more scared, and so on into a vicious circle, which can feel very, very unpleasant indeed. The end result can be a ‘panic attack’, which I’ll explain shortly.
Here are just some of the ways stress can make you feel. You are unlikely to experience them all but, on the other hand, just one may suggest stress.
Physical | Emotional | Behaviour |
Dry mouth | Panicky | Lack of concentration |
Churning stomach | Irritable | Restless |
Tiredness | Forgetful | Unable to sleep or very sleepy |
Unwanted muscle tension | ‘Unreal’ | Eating too much or too little |
Trembling | Anxious | Making mistakes |
Diarrhoea | Worried | Change in usual behaviour |
Sweating | Depressed | Indecisive |
Heart racing | Negative | Forgetful |
Sad |
0 | no stress |
1-9 | probably overtired |
10-19 | overtired or slightly stressed |
20-39 | slightly stressed |
40-69 | moderately stressed |
70-99 | very stressed |
100-125 | highly stressed |
As with everything in this book, don’t try all the suggestions in this chapter at the same time. Choose one thing and, as soon as you’ve got that in place and settled in, you’re ready for the next one.
Saying that ‘a little stress is good for you’ is like saying breaking a toe is good for you, but breaking a leg is bad. This idea makes no sense, and yet it has been accepted by many major organisations for decades. A serious outcome of this myth has been that many employers have felt justified in placing their workforce under stress, believing this is good for them, and that productivity and efficiency will improve. This has contributed in no small way to the huge increases in stress over those same decades.
This myth of there being ‘good’ stress, or ‘eustress’, came about because we all perform better at work when we are absorbed and enthused by it. Unfortunately, some decades ago, largely because of the misinterpretation of some early research, this positive idea became confused with the negative one of ‘stress’ and the concept of ‘good stress and bad stress’ was born, along with the pernicious idea that we all need a bit of stress to perform well.
Organisations such as the Health and Safety Executive (HSE) have recently recognised this mix-up and are taking the revised stance that all stress is unpleasant and ‘bad’, and that people feel better and work better when they have the optimum level of positive challenge, stimulation, enthusiasm, motivation and interest in their work, but are not ‘stressed’. If what you are feeling is positive and motivating, it isn’t stress.
Stress is the adverse reaction people have to excessive pressures or other types of demand placed on them at work.
HSE’s formal definition of work related stress, 2013
As I said earlier, there is so much misinformation and ideas straight off the top of someone’s head for you to find on the internet, from friends, magazines, and so-called ‘experts’. But there are also solid, reliable and fully researched findings on how best to cope with stress, and here they are - I’ll explain these in more detail next.
This is the first question to ask yourself when you feel stressed. Because the most obvious, but often forgotten, way to cope better with stress is to remove the cause of it altogether. The reason this is often missed is that most stressors are beyond your power to change them. But sometimes you may be able to at least reduce the extent of the problem. So, your first step will always be to decide whether you can actually reduce or remove the reason for the stress.
The pace of life is extremely fast, and most people constantly juggle numerous bits of information in their heads. Your body and mind need a break from this, in order to function at their best. How you choose to relax is very much down to your preferences. But allowing your body to completely chill out at least once every day soothes your nervous system and builds resilience. A quiet walk, relaxing music, a lazy bath, gardening or a run are just a few ways you can do this. Special relaxation techniques are also really useful because they can be done more quickly than most of these, and you can usually fit them into your day anywhere, and in any situation. You’ll find these in the ‘Chill time’ boxes in every chapter to try out and use.
In addition to the quick and easy relaxation techniques throughout this book, there is a huge choice of ways of relaxing and keeping tabs on your stress available on the internet, via software or an app. There’s everything from the humble Biodot and screensaver, to massage chairs, sophisticated monitors and software packages. New resources come online every day. Some are free and some have a cost, from a few pounds to several hundred.
As discussed before, stress shows in your breathing. The change may be slight and unnoticeable to you, but stress speeds up your breathing rate, even just by a few extra breaths a minute. You’ll also find yourself breathing less deeply and with the top part of your chest, compared to the more usual and more relaxed abdominal breathing. Even small changes to breathing alters body chemistry and how you feel, and this happens within minutes, if not seconds. Feeling faint, tingling in your fingers, poor concentration, indecision and your mind going blank can all be signs of breathing a little faster or ‘overbreathing’. So breathing normally can help to relieve many of the symptoms of stress and will also help reduce tension and anxiety, and just make you feel more content.
How often do you hear someone being told to take deep breaths when they are uptight? Most people, when asked, would probably agree that taking deep breaths is good for you. But no, it’s natural, normal breathing that’s good for you. Taking lots of deep abdominal breaths can cause panic attacks, angina pain, back pain and other problems. Breathing that is concentrated in the upper chest and/or is too fast, even by a few breaths per second, upsets the body chemistry’s delicate balance. So, normal automatic breathing is best, and practise the breathing techniques that you’ll find in the ‘Chill time’ boxes throughout the book, using these if you are feeling stressed.
The stress messengers in our blood make us rush everything. We talk quickly, eat quickly, work for too long and ‘fire fight’ or crisis manage much of the time, instead of planning ahead and thinking things out properly. With home commitments on top, clock watching becomes a way of life, and this is exacerbated by 24/7 contact from everyone. You can begin to feel that the clock is controlling your life. Much of this we do without thinking because our body is already stressed and is pushing us in all the wrong directions. However, the upshot usually is that mistakes are made, work can need redoing, decisions made can be poor, and quality suffers, all of which means that more time is needed to complete work to the required standard, making all the rushing truly counterproductive.
These are some of the ways you can take back control of the clock:
Whatever the problem at work - remember, you can take control, and you can do something about it.
A common automatic reaction to time pressure is to miss out on your breaks. We’ve all done it. Coffee and a doughnut from the machine or coffee shop while you work. Eat lunch at your desk, while you’re shopping, driving or walking to your next important place to be. It makes some kind of sense, as you can get more done and meet that deadline, or get to that appointment on time. OK so far. If it’s just for today. But, if this style of working slips into happening on more days than not or, worse, every day, then your system won’t be able to take it in its stride and your body and mind will begin to suffer for it.
Skipping breaks is one of those counter-intuitive choices. No, you don’t get more done if you skip lunch and your afternoon tea break, even if you drink lots of coffee or high-energy drinks to keep you going, or grab a sandwich on the go. Not if it isn’t the exception, but the rule. Apart from the health issues related to irregular eating, and too much caffeine, your body will be working well below par for most of the day due to tiredness and, if you haven’t eaten for hours, or you fill up on high-sugar foods, your blood sugar levels will be well below the optimum for any kind of task, or varying wildly, and your concentration, memory and problem-solving abilities will drop more and more as each hour goes by.
But, if you take regular breaks and eat properly, over the average day, you’ll get more done and it will be done better. And think how much better you’ll feel, too. You know it makes sense. Even a five-minute complete break in a stressful morning can work wonders. I can certainly vouch for that, and the research bears this out, too.
Stress is not always connected to bad things. Even ‘happy’ events, such as a hard-won new job, a new baby or buying a new house, can be very stressful. This is because even good things usually involve change, and lots to be done, both of which are stressful. And, on top of that, there are always anxieties and concerns that everything will turn out well.
You don’t have to be a punch bag and just take the stresses and strains of life. You can prepare yourself for them. You can create cushioning or a shield by building your resilience. Many simple adjustments to the way we live our lives can make stress easier to cope with. Here are some of these. Note in your journal any you think might work for you, and try them when you feel the time is right:
It’s not difficult to build activity into your life without going to a gym, or signing up for a course. Here are some easy ways to make your days more active, while you’re at work:
Slowly and silently count down the numbers from 10 to 0 and, with each downward count, imagine yourself unwinding, releasing tension, letting go and relaxing your entire body a little bit more. Repeat once or twice as necessary.
Stress can bring on sudden attacks of particularly acute anxiety or panic. Seeming to appear from nowhere, they then decline and disappear again, lasting anything from several minutes, to half an hour at most. The first thing you feel is your stomach turning over or churning, or your heart racing. You might feel hot and sweaty, light-headed and very fearful, with an urgent need to escape. Others find themselves rooted to the spot, simply unable to move, no matter how much they try. Panic attacks are the body’s full-blown emergency ‘fight, flight or freeze’ reaction, which happens completely automatically when we are in extreme physical danger to give us the energy and muscle strength to help us either to run away from or fight whatever is threatening us. Just as some animals will freeze to prevent attack, this can happen to some people, too. These attacks lasts a maximum of 20 minutes because your body can’t sustain the reaction for any longer. ‘Fight, flight or freeze’ is a very ancient, primitive, but life-saving part of us. If you had to take the time to work out what to do if a pedestrian steps out in front of your car, it could already be too late. The ‘fight or flight’ reaction does it for you before you even have time to blink.
If you have experienced a panic attack, or a generally panicky feeling, you’ve probably found that just telling yourself to pull yourself together and not panic doesn’t work very well. I mentioned earlier that the panic response is set off automatically, like breathing or your heart beating. You can’t tell your heart to stop beating, either. However, physical techniques like the ‘PAUSE Technique’ can reach and turn off this automatic response.
When you’re gripped by panic, it’s really hard to think straight. That’s what the ‘PAUSE Technique’ is all about. It’s specially designed to make it easy to remember just what to do, in the midst of panic.
So, the letters P A U S E spell out what to do, and remembering the word PAUSE gets you started. Using this very straightforward technique will stop the panic attack going any further, and makes it less likely to happen again. For many people, it works the first time. But, for others, it can take a bit of practice. However, with a bit of determination, it can work for you. It gives you back control over something that seemed uncontrollable.
If you have a panic attack, or begin to feel panicky, the trick is to catch this early, and stop it there. Here is what to do. When you notice your first signs of an imminent panic attack:
Sometimes it’s your mind that just won’t relax. Even with a relaxed body, it is possible for the mind to be stressing away on its own, worrying about this, fretting about that, and thinking ‘what if …’ almost anything. This can be the most annoying and wearing experience. Being able to relax physically goes some way to relaxing your mind. But sometimes a bit more is needed to do the trick.
Simply telling yourself not to think about something, or to take your mind off your worries, will achieve little. It’s a bit like telling the automatic pilot on a flight to slow down. It just won’t hear you. No, the key tip here is that the way to get your mind off your worries is to give your mind something else to think about. And the way to make it relax is to give it something relaxing to think about. Chapters 5-8 include Chill times’ specially designed to help you to relax your mind. And here are some others to try, so that you can find one that works for you.
To relax your mind, first relax your body as much as possible (use any of the book’s relaxation techniques). Then try these procedures to find which works best for you. Spend from one to three minutes on any one method.
Focus your mind absolutely on one of these:
Focal point 2
Repeat silently (or quietly) and very slowly a word or phrase such as:
Mind’s eye pictures
Imagine yourself in one of the following settings in as much detail and as clearly and vividly as you can:
The words used when you think, and your attitudes and basic beliefs, can also contribute much to how stressed you feel. In Chapter 2, we explored many examples of this, such as using words like ‘should’ or ‘must’, tending to blame yourself when things go wrong, or taking a negative perspective on life. The focus was on the kind of ‘inner dialogue’ people have with themselves every day, and how that might affect levels of stress and tension. We all have a kind of ‘running commentary’ going on in our heads, and it can often be negative and discouraging. But, once you’re aware this is going on, and the consequences, it becomes possible to change it.
As a reminder, here are some of the key areas covered in Chapter 2, as all of these can help you to build your resilience to stress:
Choose activities or exercise you really enjoy. Exercise doesn’t have to be boring to do you good! And, if it fits in easily with your lifestyle, so much the better. So choose activities that make you feel good, don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for, and you’ll find that all these benefits of regular exercise are very real. Exercise:
Check with your doctor if you’re not sure of your fitness before beginning any exercise or activity. If you’re new to exercise, or it’s been a while, it’s best to sign up for a course or join a club so that there’s someone there to guide you.
You may be surprised to hear this, but it’s OK to be sensitive. You may well think that there can’t be a positive side to being sensitive. Here’s an activity that might help you to start to change your mind.
The chances are that the people you have chosen, like you, are scoring fairly high on sensitivity. Most of the people we like and admire in this world rate quite highly on the sensitivity meter. Now, why should that be? I shall explain. Here are two typical sensitive people and some of their experiences.
Sometimes Sharon finds life lets her down. She can’t seem to get through a week without feeling a little hurt by something said or done by one of her colleagues. This is really getting to her. But Sharon always has an open door for any of her team, who find her an effective and reliable team leader. She’s a great listener, intuitive yet analytical, and could quickly pinpoint where a problem lay, and then discuss ways forward.
The practice manager is always complaining to Phil, an experienced GP, about running late with his appointments. This really bothers Phil. But what is he to do? As for all GPs, many of his patients are stressed or feeling down, and he can’t just ignore that, can he? This takes longer than tonsillitis or a rash to deal with properly. And, if he rushes things, they’ll just be back the next week, feeling worse. In his practice, most patients see Phil as a really good doctor, who helps you feel much better. There is often a bit of a wait to see him, but most patients feel it’s worth it.
Sharon and Phil’s experiences show us just some of the ways that being sensitive can and does work for you. Because with being sensitive comes a whole other package of characteristics that you may have and be happy to have.
You may not have been aware of it, but you probably have some or all of the following list of positive characteristics. Don’t be modest, really think about each of these. Which would you say apply to you? Be honest with yourself:
Caring Intuitive Perceptive Likeable Alert Empathic Good listener Reliable |
Committed Analytical Deep thinker Very good at seeing other people’s point of view Aware of subtleties Can visualise different scenarios Aware of consequences |
You may have been aware of this positive side of sensitivity, but have discounted its importance because you tend to focus on what you see as the more negative, sensitive side. You may feel that being sensitive is what defines you. But is that logical?
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure - which is: try to please everybody.
Herbert Swope, American newspaper editor, 1882-1958
So what can you do about the negative side of being sensitive?
Coming back from a long time sick, a period of unemployment, or from maternity leave can be a real confidence drainer. Everything seems to have changed, nothing seems familiar, there will be new faces, and everyone expects you just to slot right back in, even though you feel like you’re starting all over again. And, as if that wasn’t enough, you’ve lost the work routine, as you may have spent long hours alone, or coping with small children, and feel your brain needs time to click into place and change gear. You may even worry if it ever will again.
Yes, it may take a few weeks to reacquaint yourself with your workplace and the changes that have taken place - but there’s no need to apologise for that. Everyone goes through this at some time, and most will fully understand your position. So, just ask someone if you need to know something, and you’ll quickly be back up to speed. Or try dropping in for a few visits in the weeks before you return to update yourself, or perhaps fire off some e-mails to colleagues to get a feel for goings-on and get back in the loop. It makes sense and shows enthusiasm, energy and forward thinking, all good skills to show off to your line manager and colleagues.
If you’re returning after weeks or months on sick leave because of an illness or medical procedure, you can talk to Occupational Health or Human Resources (or your manager) about a phased return to work. This usually would mean a spell of part-time work, a lighter workload, working from home, or a mixture of all three - and makes it very much easier to slide back into your working role. It’s an increasingly common approach, because employers have found it works, and it makes the transition from sofa to desk much more likely to succeed. Employers prefer this to someone coming back full-time too early, and just ending up off sick again or, alternatively, staying off for a longer time than necessary, just to be sure.
Picking up where you left off after maternity leave can pose its own anxieties, more so if it’s been several months or more. There is a feeling out there that new mothers may have what’s become known as ‘baby brain’ or ‘mummy brain’, and this can sap your confidence when you’re faced with an important team meeting on your first day back. Will you manage to string a sensible sentence together? How have things moved on? Here are some thoughts new mothers may find helpful:
But the problem is that when I go around and speak on campuses, I still don’t get young men standing up and saying, How can I combine career and family?
Gertrude Stein, American art collector and writer, 1874-1946
The frustrations and stresses of the workplace can build and build, like a tap dripping inside you until, one day, for no particular reason, it can suddenly overflow and surface as anger, a tantrum or, worse, violence. It wouldn’t be the first time that such anger has led to an office or desk being trashed. For others, the anger simmers away quietly, surfacing often in the form of general irritability and impatience with others, sarcasm, sulking, put-downs, not listening, being obstructive or argumentative, or aggressive behaviour.
Sometimes anger can stay deep within the person, never surfacing, but instead slowly turning on themselves, and producing a feeling of personal despair or even depression. This can happen through choice, or because of the power situation you are working in. And, because it is often more socially acceptable for a man to show irritability and anger than a woman, this can be more of a problem for women. Many men find an outlet for such feelings through contact sports such as rugby or football, or through computer games, golf or squash.
Be fully flexible
Don’t be satisfied with the same old same old. Allow yourself to be ready to embrace change. Enjoy variety. If what you’re doing isn’t working, do something else! Be prepared to step outside your usual boundaries and expand your horizons.
So, it is essential to do something about angry feelings. They can’t just be left to sort themselves out. But, contrary to much of the advice on this, it isn’t about expressing it whenever we feel it, or about hitting a punch bag. There is lots of evidence suggesting that, if you express your anger, it can grow and become even more damaging. It is an emotional response very similar to the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response, and is fuelled by the ‘fight’ part of the equation. That’s why, when faced with a situation at work that makes you angry or frustrated, you might want to walk out and slam a door (flight), feel so angry you can’t move or speak (freeze), or feel like shouting, throwing or hitting something (fight). So, what do you do? Well, just like for a panic attack, the answer is to use relaxation to take the emotional response away.
But, before I explain more about that, there is so much you can do to prevent feelings of frustration and anger arising in the first place, and we’ve already covered these in earlier chapters. You can:
But, if you do find yourself feeling angry, here are some practical suggestions on how to deal with this emotion safely at the time, instead of bottling it all up or expressing it in unhelpful ways. Try these next time you feel angry: