If you have recently been through, or are currently going through, a tough time then the answer is probably: ‘I’ve been better.’ Chances are you’re feeling anything from anxious, vulnerable and scared, to out of your depth and depressed; you might be feeling angry about your situation, or simply like you can’t cope.

When tragedy or big changes in our lives happen – anything from being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness to getting divorced – 
it can be very disorienting, making us question our core beliefs and experience feelings we’ve never felt before. There is no right or wrong way to feel, but the following are some of the most common feelings we might experience:

• No sense of normality.
• Anger and fear.
• Feeling like everything is surreal and alien.
• Feeling shut off – like you’re in a box looking out on the ‘normal’ world.
• Feelings of ‘I will never be the same again’.
• Guilt and shame heightening this sense of desperation, as you feel like you’ve lost control over everything.
• Loss of control itself – this can lead to acute stress.
• You can’t imagine what ‘strong’ even feels like.
• Numb.
• Bitter and resentful.

It may be comforting to know that these feelings are not only completely normal, but they’re what we’re hard-wired to feel. We are not born with an aptitude for good coping strategies and psychological strength in the face of adversity. Rather, we are born with a ‘survival instinct’ – you may have also heard it referred to as ‘the fight or flight’ response. This is basically the instinct to flee, freeze or fight when we sense a threat.

“We’re all born with an innate sense of vulnerablility and will all naturally try to flee from pain and adversity. It’s an inherent survival tactic.”

Dr Michael Sinclair, Consultant Psychologist

The survival instinct is something our primitive ancestors had to develop in order to, well, survive the daily threat to their lives. These threats were pretty big back then: attacks from sabre-toothed cats and bears or being harpooned when out shopping (i.e. hunting for food!). The trouble is, there are no longer sabre-toothed cats to fear, and we do not, generally, expect to be on high alert for fear of death when out shopping. So, the world around us has changed, but our brains have not; they have evolved to respond to any threat or adversity as if it were life threatening. This doesn’t just mean modern-day physical concerns either – choosing not to take the lift in case you get stuck, or the tube in case there’s a terrorist attack – but also threats to our emotional wellbeing. So that might be falling in love, attending an interview, or walking into a room full of strangers. You know the pounding heart and sweaty palm feeling you might get at such times? That’s your limbic survival mode kicking in.

Our brain’s natural response is to get rid of these threats in the fastest, simplest way possible (more on the ways in which we do this in a second), because the only thing on our minds is survival. But surviving despite trauma is not the same thing as thriving despite trauma. (As we saw in the definitions of both in Chapter 1.) The ability for the former, we are born with; the latter we have to learn, which is where this book comes in.

THE SURVIVAL INSTINCT: WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN OUR BRAIN WHEN WE ARE UNDER THREAT?

Before we can learn how to re-train our brains to thrive and grow through whatever life throws at us, it’s helpful to know what our brains currently do when we experience adversity.

The survival instinct, or the fight or flight response, takes place in a part of the brain called the limbic system; a complex mass of nerves and networks in the middle of our heads, just behind our forehead.

The limbic system controls basic, primal emotions such as pleasure, anger, fear and hunger. Unlike the pre-frontal cortex where sophisticated reasoning and logical thinking takes place (the part of the brain we will use when developing resilience or real strength), the limbic system is far less sophisticated, and is home to primitive reactions designed simply to keep us alive. Think of it as your inner car alarm system: when it senses threat – be that physical or emotional – it goes off. ‘I don’t like this feeling, this pain’ we say to ourselves. ‘I need to get rid of it as soon as possible.’

What happens then – our body’s version of the siren wailing if you like – is that our central nervous system is flooded with two main hormones: cortisol (known as the ‘stress’ hormone) and adrenaline – which gives us the huge surge of energy we need to either run (from those sabre-toothed cats) or to fight. It’s these hormones that produce the symptoms of stress: the pounding heart and sweaty palms which ultimately force us into action.

As we touched upon in Chapter 1, these ‘flight or fight’ reactions or behaviours come in many forms: avoidance, rumination (more of this in a second) and venting (using a pillow as a punch bag; shouting at your nearest and dearest!). The important thing to remember, however, is that none of these are particularly helpful – not if we want to build real strength.

Not only that, but cortisol and adrenaline are actually neuro-toxic; that is, too much of them and they can harm or even kill off brain neurons (it’s true – stress shrinks our brains!) So it’s in our physical and emotional health’s interest to replace these stress-inducing survivalist coping strategies with more sophisticated, progressive ones that will help us to thrive.

HOW DO WE BEHAVE WHEN UNDER THREAT?

We’ve covered what’s going on in the brain when we feel under threat, but now let’s explore what behaviour this leads to. What do we actually do when trauma strikes? What are common reactions? See how many of these you recognize.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BUILDING REAL STRENGTH RIGHT NOW

The longer you put off building your resilience, the harder it will be. Your brain is made up of hundreds of neural pathways, and the behaviours and/or thought processes we employ the most determine which of those neural pathways become strongest. 
(The paths with the most footfall, if you like.)

Resilience itself (building real strength) is a process, not a destination.

“Resilience is … often mistakenly assumed to be a trait of the individual, an idea more typically referred to as ‘resiliency.’”

Wikipedia

With this in mind, perhaps a big part of building real strength is to undo any unhelpful processes that have been reducing your resilience. This means learning to tread and strengthen new pathways, while allowing the wrong ones to grow weak. This will probably feel like hard work and there are many reasons for that:

• As we’ve established, we are hard-wired to employ strength-quashing coping strategies that have one goal: to survive.
• Through learned behaviour we strengthen the wrong neural pathways (translation: we get into bad habits).
• As we grow older, we become more scared of more things and therefore less resilient. Confronting our fears so we can grow becomes even more daunting.

However, let’s not forget the vital point that our brains are neuroplastic, which means they are able to change and grow depending on how we choose to use them. No matter how old you are or how long you’ve employed unhelpful thinking patterns that don’t foster resiliency, it’s never too late to learn new ones. Before we find out more about how we can do this, let’s look at the last point from the list above. Why is it that, if we allow it to happen, we grow less resilient as we grow older?

How come that rollercoaster-mad 7-year old has turned into a 
47-year old who gets palpitations at the mere sight of a rollercoaster?

Well, not only does our limbic system act as our inner car alarm system alerting us to any threats to our wellbeing, it is also like a database of those threats. Every time we experience one – be it boarding an aeroplane or spending time alone – if our brains say ‘nope, don’t like that’, our limbic system stores that information and it stays in the ‘database’ for the rest of our lives. As we continue to experience life, we add new experiences, and new information, to the limbic database of threatening situations.

The problem is, the limbic system information storage begins to have a large number of situations that cause the ‘fight or flight’ response. If we don’t challenge this, we become scared of everything and this is how anxiety disorders can start. Before you know it, you’re getting palpitations about taking tests, meeting new people, public speaking, taking lifts, or spending time alone because the limbic part of your brain has encoded this experience as something threatening. However, there’s no reason why this has to happen! You can become more resilient as you age, not less – it’s just knowing how.

THE POWER OF ADVERSITY: WHY GOING THROUGH SH*T IS GOOD FOR YOU!