LIGHTEN UP

You’re about to venture into dangerous and terrifying territory—the World of Taxes.

It’s not as bad as you think. Get comfortable with the humor and ironies in this ever-shifting world. It will make all the onerous rules easier to bear.

Believe it or not, these quotes come to you courtesy of the Internal Revenue Service and other fine folks. Come back to this page any time your spirits need a boost of humor.

Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS”?

—Unknown

He who gets his tax advice out of a Cracker Jack box doesn’t always get crackerjack advice.¹

—LINDA DORFMONT, Enrolled Agent

I like to pay taxes. With them I buy civilization.

—OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES JR., U.S. Supreme Court Justice

The government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Irish playwright

Taxes are indeed very heavy, and if those laid on by the government were the only ones we had to pay, we might more easily discharge them; but we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are taxed twice as much by our idleness, three times as much by our pride, and four times as much by our folly.

—BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, Poor Richard’s Almanac

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

—WILL ROGERS, writer and humorist

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

—MARK TWAIN, writer and humorist

Excellence is a good habit. But do not strive for perfection—it will prevent you from ever finishing anything.

—EVA ROSENBERG, Your TaxMama

The seven deadly sins . . . food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability, and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones from man’s neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the millstones are lifted.

—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, Irish playwright

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

—ALBERT EINSTEIN, physicist

The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.

—THOMAS DEWAR, First Baron Dewar

A good tax return is like a good mystery novel. You follow the clues, make deductions, and arrive at a profitable conclusion.

—EVA ROSENBERG, Your TaxMama

Visit TaxMama.com for more humor in the Money Funnies column http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies. Please feel free to submit your clean jokes, too.

1  Cracker Jack™ is a registered trademark of Frito-Lay.