Chapter 1
The Big Three
My coaching career started as a side hustle. Ever since college, I'd been working with professionals to improve their leadership and communication. My role as an executive director of a nonprofit involved training my team, and I take pride in how many of them have gone on to new heights. My personal mission was and, still is, to help people realize their potential.
In my thirties, I had a career change and was finding success in consultative sales. I enjoyed my work but missed the mentoring aspect and kept finding chances to work with leaders and speakers on the side. I didn't initially think of it as a side hustle. It was more of a paid hobby.
Then I got my first big deal coaching opportunity. The CEO of a nationally known marketing firm learned about me from a referral and reached out, but she wanted more than feedback and informal coaching. She was looking for an A‐to‐Z program. So, I consolidated everything I'd learned and taught into a comprehensive system. Reaching back to my time with Professor Gillespie, I started by walking her through Aristotle's elements of persuasion.
1. Ethos
Speakers need to convince the listener of their credibility (ethos is the root of ethical). The audience needs to feel like they can trust, learn from, and connect to you. You must build rapport through relevant stories, the words you use, the way you conform to the context of the event, and your connection to your message. When the audience trusts and connects with the speaker, they listen with greater receptivity.
When the audience trusts and connects with the speaker, they listen with greater receptivity.
2. Pathos
This means to evoke emotions. Your message must affect you before it can possibly affect your audience. Then you must intentionally use stories, evocative analogies, and emotional tone to convey the meaning behind the message. True communication is more than the mere transference of knowledge. When you feel your message, your audience will feel it with you.
When you feel your message, your audience will feel it with you.
3. Logos
Logos encompasses organization and thought and creating understanding. It is the logic of the message. You must utilize various tools to persuade the audience: case studies, facts, citations, research, statistics, and recognized authorities. These types of proofs make your material more persuasive and help you win the audience over. You must have something worth saying and do the work of framing it in a way that appeals to the head.
I went on to tell this CEO that effective communication requires all three. Too many speakers fail to establish a connection through ethos or engage feelings through pathos, relying on logos alone. But your audience is not comprised of soulless androids. They are emotional beings and rely on intuition as much as intellect. If you want to impact your listeners, you must use all three elements of persuasion.
We are emotional beings and rely on intuition as much as intellect.
After I'd gone through all this with the CEO, her response forced me to reevaluate my brand‐new coaching curriculum.
“Mike, that's good stuff, but it's useless to me. I'm too nervous to even get up on stage, let alone think about elements of persuasion.”
Useless? Shoot. Now what?
I had to peel back all my memories, back to when I was a frightened seventh grader in Mexico who gave himself a psychosomatic fever to avoid speaking in front of the class and to remember how I evolved to become a confident speaker. Over nearly twenty years of experience and education, I had intuitively developed my own three “sources of confidence.” Once I systematized those, I was able to help that CEO. This formed the foundation for my programs, communication workshops, and now this book.
This proved so effective that I began receiving more and more referrals. Even as I kept the sales job, my “hobby” became a registered business, and I had to hire staff. I was coaching, speaking, and giving workshops; something had to give, and I made the leap of faith into full‐time coaching, speaking, and writing—and I'm loving it!
The Sources of Confidence
I want you to think back to the last time you heard a speech that moved you. Maybe it was a politician that made you believe in a better future. Maybe it was a motivational speaker that inspired you to push yourself further. Or maybe it was a coworker who made you think, I wish I could speak like that!
Speakers like that are marked by genuine confidence. Not hold‐my‐beer‐and‐watch‐this confidence, but confidence that holds the speaker steady and inspires the audience. Confidence like that isn't a single thing but a combination of your identity, your message, and your skills.
True confidence is found where these three circles meet—when you have determined your identity, defined your message, and developed your skills. In this chapter, I will walk you through the 10,000‐foot view of each and what happens when any one of them is lacking. From there, I'll devote a section to mastering each component.
1. Determine Your Identity
I began this book by asking you to imagine a schooner, a handmade raft, and other boats. Your identity—the collection of your strengths and weaknesses, experiences, personality, and deep‐seated values—is like one of those boats. Each one is different and is meant for different kinds of tasks. At the same time, boats can be modified within certain limits. Confidence comes from knowing your boat, what it is capable of, what kind of shape it is in, and where you can improve it.
I'll frequently have prospective clients ask, “Mike, can you teach me some new techniques and skills, so I can feel more confident?”
My response? “Yes, but let's start with laying the foundation before jumping to the finishing touches.”
I'm not doing them any good by showing how to run up the mainsail if their boat is taking on water by the gallon. Before we address your message or add new skills, you need to do the deep work of determining who you are.
Notice that I said determine your identity, not discover. There is a discovery element to it, but it doesn't stop there. One of my favorite sayings is “Where you are isn't where you have to stay.” There are parts of your identity that you need to accept, but there are others you can improve.
Where you are isn't where you have to stay.
In the first section of this book, I will walk you through understanding and determining your identity. By the time you finish that section, you will have a clear idea of who you are as a speaker, how the message flows from you, and which parts of yourself you need to embrace, accept, or improve.
2. Define Your Message
The movie Dunkirk tells the real‐life story of the mass evacuation of British forces out of France at the beginning of World War II. With German forces speeding toward Dunkirk, the call went out across England for all available boats to sail the Channel and save as many soldiers as possible. The response was overwhelming as everything from luxury yachts to barely‐more‐than‐lifeboats braved the German Luftwaffe and made the dangerous trip. Countless professional and amateur sailors risked their lives because they understood that their “cargo” was precious.
If you and your identity are the boat, your message is the cargo. Would you risk your life and reputation to deliver a boatload of plastic trinkets? Probably not. But to save your fellow citizens from the Nazi war machine? I'd like to think I would've sailed my $1,000 boat to Dunkirk for that.
What if your “cargo” feels like plastic trinkets? Many of my clients struggle because they're bored by their topic—routine updates, IT protocols, sales trends and graphs, key performance indicators (KPIs), and returns on investment (ROIs). But part of confidence in your message comes from connecting to its deeper meaning and purpose. If it's worth saying, then it's worth caring about. Every business is ultimately about people, and people are worth our emotional investment. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
If it's worth saying, then it's worth caring about.
In the second section, we'll begin by digging into your message and what it means to your audience. Then I'll teach you how to efficiently craft and effectively deliver it. This will cover not only prepared speeches but also off‐the‐cuff presentations and meetings. By the time you finish that section, you'll gain the confidence to speak in any situation.
3. Develop Skills
Have you ever watched someone who excel in their craft? It almost doesn't matter what they're doing—glassblowing, playing guitar, bartending, handling a sailboat—there is an artistry to how their hands seem to move of their own accord. I recently listened to leadership expert John Maxwell speak. That man's been speaking longer than I've been alive. He employed all the skills and techniques that I teach but so seamlessly that I didn't even notice. I just knew I was in the hands of a master.
If your identity is the boat and your message the cargo, then your skills are your speaking skills. Pretty straightforward there. In the third section, we'll cover a host of tricks and techniques that are so practical that you might be tempted to skip ahead. Don't do it. I intentionally placed skills last because they are built upon the foundation of identity and message. By the time you finish that section, you will have a box full of tools that you know how to use.
Heart, Head, and Hand
Identity, message, and skills—all three are vital. Another way I like to describe it is:
- Identity is your heart—who is saying it.
- Message is your head—what is being said.
- Skills are your hands—how it is being said.
Confident speaking—speaking that flows from your confidence and makes an impact on the listener—requires all three components working in conjunction.
What happens if one is missing?
If someone has identity and message but lack the skills, they are boring. You can probably name a few seasoned professors who really knew their stuff but put you to sleep. For the Harry Potter fans out there, this is Professor Binns, teacher of History of Magic, who could make the goblin rebellion boring.
If someone has identity and skills but lacks a message, they are simply entertainers. People enjoy listening to them but leave unchanged. There's nothing wrong with that if your goal is entertainment, but I believe you want more for your audience. You want them to think, feel, or do something new because of you. These speakers are like Professor Trelawney, the divination teacher. She put on quite a show for her believers, but there's no meaning behind almost any of her predictions (and I don't think she gets any credit for her two real prophecies).
Finally, if someone has a message and skills but no identity, they (at best) have no depth. At worst, they are hypocrites. They look great on stage, but it falls apart when you get up close. These are like Gilderoy Lockhart. Big talk, lots of style, but it's all fake. Let's be honest: These are the most dangerous of the three. Many of us grew up listening to Bill Cosby, laughing at his jokes and wishing our dads were as wise and cool as Cliff Huxtable. When the reality of his character came out, we were left stunned and heartbroken.
At this moment, who do you feel the most like: Binns, Trelawney, or Lockhart? Or do you feel any of those would be a step up for you because you lack identity, message, and skills?
Then you are in the right place.
Over the rest of this book, I'll apply this framework to your speaking, so you can be like—who else?—Albus Dumbledore. Confidence and influence flows from speakers who have identity, message, and skills.
Confidence and influence flows from speakers who have identity, message, and skills.
Proven Paths to (False) Confidence
Before we get started, it's vital to understand that confidence is not an absence of fear. In proper doses, fear is a tonic. Every speech should stir up some level of nervousness within you—it does me! In Speak with No Fear, I spend an entire chapter on channeling those nerves into energy and emotion (i.e. pathos).
No one enjoys fear, but attempting to eliminate it altogether will take you down one of the two proven paths to false confidence. Those paths are arrogance and apathy. Either of them will ensure feelings of confidence but at the cost of effectiveness and connection.
Arrogance says, “I don't need this book. My audience is lucky to have me.” It takes over when we impress ourselves—perhaps because we're subconsciously afraid we don't measure up.
Apathy says, “It's not worth the effort to read this book. My audience is going to show up anyway because they have to.” It creeps in when we no longer care and are too lazy to change.
Arrogant speakers are often seen among politicians, rising stars, and even in churches. Apathetic speakers fill long‐time management positions, academia, and sectors that don't require them to prioritize quality in communication.
The fact you've read this far tells me that neither apathy nor arrogance have taken over—yet. But they are constant temptations to every speaker (and leader). In Chapter 3, we’ll talk more about them, and how they're common reactions to personal shortcomings.
Apathy and arrogance are constant temptations to every speaker.
All this is to say that as you go on this journey toward confidence, be on the lookout for creeping arrogance (“I don't need this!”) and apathy (“Who really cares?”). Pay particular attention to when they try to creep in. Don't be surprised if it's when I touch a nerve. As we'll see in the next section, true confidence goes far deeper than your ability to give a presentation, and we'll end up touching on things like self‐worth, emotional intelligence, and your personal values.
Will it be hard work? Absolutely. But the payoff will extend far beyond a single speech.