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Creating Powerful Partnerships

TEAMWISDOM INVITATION

People who can consistently create powerful relationships at work are people who are good teamworkers. In my experience, their central characteristics include:

• Trustworthiness (keeping promises and commitments)
• Commitment to common goals and targets (refusing to slip from them because of external attractions)
• The ability to listen and be open to others’ ideas
• The ability to present a personal viewpoint logically and objectively
• The ability to self-criticize and receive others’ feedback with equanimity
• The ability to motivate others (free of manipulation)
• The ability to complete tasks and achieve results

In other words, people who create powerful relationships at work are people with good leadership skills.

Developing powerful collaborations at work requires us to focus on personal relationships—that is, the human side of conducting business. Experience has taught me that I 55
56achieve my greatest success when I provide others with opportunities to excel by using their special skills and talents.

In today’s economy, organizations can remain adaptive and agile only by maintaining powerful and successful relationships with other organizations. Part of this process includes acknowledging that people see things differently and contribute to partnerships differently. Homogeneity and unity leads very soon to complacency and decline, particularly in a global marketplace. Different perspectives are integral to organizational health and to partnering success.

Ten years ago, I saw differences and disagreement in my teams as a negative sign. Today, I find myself quite worried when everyone agrees quickly. It’s usually either a sign that no one really understands the subject under discussion or that everyone is saying “yes” in order to terminate the dialogue with no intention to work on what was agreed upon.

Disagreement—and even positive conflict between partners—provides energy and depth to work and discussion. Young or inexperienced leaders tend to avoid conflict because they see it as a potential personal criticism of another, usually because they see themselves as right, often stubbornly so. They may well be right, but even when the absolute truth of a situation can be determined, the absolute truth is often not the best solution for an organizational dispute. Organizations are collections of individuals whose ways of thinking differ. Solutions that emerge out of differences are more likely to represent more of those ways of thinking and more effectively address the goals of the organization as well.

Exploring and applying the tools and principles in this chapter will help you and your teams learn to build powerful partnerships among players that bring to the table 57different strengths and points of view. You will learn to see these differences as a positive sign—a sign of dynamic potential—of your organization’s health.

OLLI-PEKKA JUHANTILA

Manager, Outsourcing

Nokia Mobile Phones

Salo, Finland

What’s in It for Them?

Many leaders still carry what I would call a backward understanding of the motivation process. For who knows how long, when a leader wanted a follower to perform a task, both the leader and the follower expected the leader to tell the follower what was in it for the follower to comply. No one questioned the logic of this transaction. That was just the way it was done.

If we examine this kind of “enrollment” transaction from outside the convention, however, it’s a pretty funny way to get people to do things. The truth is, when one person is looking for another’s commitment to high performance, it’s much smarter (and a lot easier) for the first person to tap into the second person’s existing motivation, instead of dictating that motivation. Even if the follower’s motivation is hidden, it’s there. And it’s the follower’s motivation that fuels her performance, not the leader’s.

Examine the logic contained in the following five statements: 58

1. Everyone alive has hopes, dreams, and wants for themselves.
2. People who have no hopes, dreams, or wants are dead.
3. When people get out of bed and go to work, they have linked what they are going to do that day to their hopes, dreams, and wants in a way that makes sense to them. Or they wouldn’t get up, would they?
4. Therefore, all of us have our own excellent reasons for investing in work projects—even if we have learned to deny or hide those reasons, sometimes even from ourselves.
5. The best way for me to serve fellow workers is to help them uncover and focus on their own motivations—even if they attempt to convince me they have none.

If you agree with this logic, you can stop trying to dictate other people’s motivation today. The next time you need to motivate someone try asking, “What’s in it for you to work on this project with this team?” and keep the other person in conversation until he comes up with the personal benefits that motivate him.

This method is simple, powerful, and responsible. Watch how it works.

Personal Challenge

Practice uncovering existing motivation in yourself before you try to help others uncover it in themselves. Think of a task you have to do that usually requires extra motivation, like taking out the garbage, folding laundry, mowing the lawn, or emptying the dishwasher. Ask yourself, “What’s in it for me to do this?” Note your response. If this response does not move you to action, probe further by asking yourself, “What else does it do for me?” Pursue these questions until you find yourself 59 moving to action. Note what actually got you going. Your motivation might have been buried under several unappealing layers. Your true motivation is always to get something you want (even if you believe you have to do something you don’t want to do to get it).

Team Challenge

Ask others, “What’s in it for you to work with us on this task?” Remember, if the first answer doesn’t appear to be moving to the person, feed that answer back and follow-up with, “What else does it do for you?” Repeat this feedback loop until you both hear how this person’s potential contribution to the group is connected to the future she envisions.

It’s in Your Interest to Be Helpful to Other People

Have you heard the story about the researcher who joined the organization disguised as a laborer in order to study organizational 60relationships as an insider? After months of work, this researcher had not collected much data because the others were not opening up to him very much. Then, in an after-work hockey game, he happened to score the goal that won the tournament for the company team. After this event, people became much more open to him, sharing tons of information they had not shared before. It was as if his helping the team win had flipped the switch on information flow.

People with TeamWisdom flip such switches all the time with their ability to help and serve others. It’s not that they subordinate themselves to others. Neither do they give up their own pursuits and help others exclusively. But they do learn as much as they can about other people’s goals, and they do look for opportunities to help others move closer to achieving them. In other words, people with TeamWisdom demonstrate allegiance to others. And it’s this allegiance that earns them deeper access to previously unshared information and ideas.

The great philosopher/inventor, Buckminster Fuller, taught that the best way for one person to win is not by making others lose, but by making others win too. He taught from the 1940’s until his death that the more people a person helps to win, the more people that person can expect will help her win. Fuller’s teaching was in the forefront of a growing body of literature about the power and humanity of “servant leadership.”² Being a servant leader means helping one’s followers become successful, instead of expecting followers to serve one’s personal success.

Personal Challenge

Do your partners and teammates provide you with access to their thoughts because they experience you as a person who helps them achieve their goals? Listen carefully to your associates to learn what is truly important to them. Check in with yourself to determine your level of commitment to them. If this 61level of commitment is low, ask yourself why. If it is high, ask yourself how you are willing to help. Then offer that help.

Team Challenge

When team members look out for each other’s interests, the entire team benefits. Spend an hour sharing your personal goals with each other and learning about the goals of your teammates. Ask yourselves, “How can we help each other win?”

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Protect the Interests of Other People

Remember the last time the integrity police cornered you about something? Maybe you got caught telling a lie or violating a commitment. Wasn’t it awful? But then didn’t you feel better when you did the right thing? Whenever you or anyone else in a team chooses to play the role of integrity cop, it can make others uncomfortable. But it also makes a major contribution to the strength of the team.

In our research on partnering between groups and organizations, we have often observed at least one member in a wellfunctioning group whose theme song goes something like this: “I never know which direction I’m going to be pointing my finger when I come to work. Some days, I’m addressing my own company saying, ‘We can’t do that to our partners!’ Some days, I’m addressing our partners saying, ‘Don’t treat us that way!’”

The folks who occupy the position of integrity police are important to the maintenance of relationships between partners. Our research indicates that they possess three primary characteristics:

1. They display an endless capacity to record and remember both the explicit agreements and implicit expectations made between partners.
2. They exhibit extraordinary mindfulness of how entering a partnership exposes vulnerabilities on both sides. They don’t hesitate to sound the alarm when one partner’s actions threaten to violate another’s interests or boundaries.
3. They have irrepressible urges to “call it” when any party initiates action that could violate any other party.

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Such people have extraordinary TeamWisdom! From them, we can all learn the importance of discovering “what’s in it” for each of our teammates. We learn that discovery and mindfulness of the whole scope of primary interests helps all members of the team protect their outcomes from the self-absorbed and potentially unintegrated actions of others.

Personal Challenge

Think about the way you usually behave in collaborative relationships. Do you play the role of integrity police? Or do you close your eyes when other people’s interests and boundaries are violated. Consider at least one collaborative relationship where you know another person’s interests are being violated. Decide how you can best contribute to the integrity of the relationship. And do it.

Team Challenge

Gather together, think about each teammate’s individual interests in the team’s efforts, and then list those interests. List all explicit agreements intended to protect the interests of teammates. Also attempt to discover and list implicit expectations. Implicit expectations are unspoken standards about how people “should” behave in relationships. For instance: “They should treat me with respect,” most people would say. Now, ask the following questions about the lists you have produced:

• Are anyone’s interests being violated (intentionally or not)?
• If so, what’s the most productive way to “call” the offender(s)?
• How do team members need to be made more aware of each other’s interests, vulnerabilities, relationship expectations, and agreements?

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The Miracle of Efficient Gifts

Is it easy for you to grant a small favor to someone you have just met? Are you just as willing to ask a favor of someone you have just met?

Most people find it much easier to grant a favor than to ask for one. However, people with TeamWisdom know that asking for a favor actually grants the other person a favor. Asking for a favor communicates to the other person that they are important 65to us, that we depend on them, and that we are even willing to owe them one. People with TeamWisdom understand that the person who asks for the first favor sets the tone for the collaboration.

Most people enjoy being asked for small favors because it enables them to serve. A principle of collaborative communication is at work here: When one asks for or offers help, she acknowledges her interdependence. You can actually launch into teamwork by making either a simple request or a simple offer. How then do we get the most out of asking for and granting favors? Economist Kenneth Boulding recommends that leaders focus on “efficient gifts.” Boulding defines efficient gifts as favors that cost the giver little or nothing to provide, yet provide great value to the receiver. Examples include:

• Early warning of an impending threat or opportunity
• Introductions and referrals
• Welcome feedback that reinforces or corrects a course of action
• Temporarily covering another’s post
• Receiving and forwarding messages
• Holding doors open
• Proofreading a document
• Answering a simple (or maybe even silly-sounding) question thoughtfully

There are an infinite number of ways we can offer assistance for little or no cost to ourselves. It was Boulding’s belief that efficient gifts add more value—even in the business world—than transactional exchanges. It’s also been said that miracles are interpersonal in nature. In that light, people with TeamWisdom are both smart business people and miracle workers. 66

Personal Challenge

Reflect on how deserving you feel you are to ask for and receive what you want. Get clear about it! Then ask a favor of someone you just met or of someone you don’t know very well who you would like to know better. Ask without any preamble about how you will do them a favor later. (That would turn their giving of the favor into an exchange.) Just ask straight out and be willing to receive.

Team Challenge

Begin a discussion designed to answer this question: “How often do you ask for or offer help to each other?” Try to create an environment where favors are asked for and offered more frequently, and then chart your movement towards increased interdependence.

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Celebrate the Successes of Other People

“Don’t envy the successes of others!” An important partnering principle is embedded in this advice that we have heard since childhood. But what does envying other people’s successes have to do with partnering? Plenty. Envy displays and reinforces the assumption that there is a limited amount of success in the world. To envy the success of others suggests we believe that the other person’s success means there is less success available for us.

When I hear people speak with jealousy, envy, or outright antagonism about another person’s good fortune, I’m saddened. Such comments also suggest that when others receive an opportunity or success before we do, it’s evidence that the world is unfair and unjust. While this assumption has little objective validity, it is pervasive (and promoted by many sectors of our society). Believing the world is unjust filters our perception, and pretty soon, we see unjust actions everywhere.

Consider the following story of utter resentment. My friend, Steve, scored a hole-in-one recently while golfing with some buddies. A week later, one of those buddies bumped into Steve’s older (and highly competitive) brother, who remarked with sincerity how “sorry” he was to run into Steve’s buddy because he hadn’t believed Steve’s story and was “afraid” the buddy might verify it. This type of behavior is rampant in present day organizations. We have witnessed senior executives attempting to motivate employees by declaring hatred for a successful competitor. Peer managers use the politics of resentment at all levels of organizations. 68

People with TeamWisdom behave quite differently. They fertilize the ground in order to grow unlimited successes by always celebrating the wins and successes of others. And, in so doing, they perceive—and create—a world of unlimited abundance for themselves and others.

Personal Challenge

Try this response to success for fun at first, then see if it really works for you. When success comes to those around you, celebrate their good fortune and chant this mantra silently to yourself, “Success surrounds me all the time.” Then watch how it does surround you.

Team Challenge

Recognize one or more successes your team has achieved this week. Celebrate them as a group. The celebration can be simple or extravagant, but make it fun! Put yourselves on the lookout for more and more success as you celebrate.

Appreciate Conflict

One summer vacation I spent a week with leadership writer and TeamWisdom master, Professor Warren Bennis. The occasion was a learning session about group genius. At one point, conflict 69arose among the 50 or more participants concerning the direction of the session. During the discussion that ensued I was treated to several lessons in TeamWisdom:

• There is tremendous power in conducting ourselves so that the people in our presence (teammates, partners, or employees) feel free to express satisfaction or dissatisfaction with how we (and they) are investing time and attention—even when we are an expert in what the group is doing.
• When disagreements arise in a relationship, it pays to treat them as an opportunity to learn. It’s unwise to squelch disagreement, cover it up, or take offense—even when we are an expert in what the group is doing.
• New opportunities will become available when we are willing to let go of our own agendas and create new ones—even when we are an expert in what the group is doing.
• Like a good punter in football, or like Michael Jordan leaving the foul line for a spectacular dunk, it’s smart to create “hang time” for a workgroup. It can be wise for a leader to label a disagreement as “important” and then allow someone else to offer a new perspective that helps to resolve the disagreement—even when we are an expert in what the group is doing.
• Nothing substitutes for listening. Listen for the “truth in the room” by observing both your reactions and those of the group to each new speaker especially when we are an expert in what the group is doing.

Remember that any upset, fear, or conflict, when thoroughly viewed, will disappear. Whether we practice this in ourselves or within our groups, this truth is the key to appreciating conflict. This principle cannot be repeated enough: any upset, fear, or 70conflict, when thoroughly viewed, will disappear. People with TeamWisdom have a talent for confronting and viewing every upset exactly “as it is.”

Personal Challenge

Thoroughly view at least one fear, upset, or conflict that has been plaguing you in one of your relationships. Examine it until it disappears and is replaced by powerful clarity. If it’s a personal upset or fear, challenge yourself to wade through the quagmire. Upsets can only be clarified when fully experienced, not avoided.

Team Challenge

Identify a conflict, fear, or upset in your team. Invite team members to articulate as many different perspectives about the upset as possible. A perspective is neither an attempt to argue nor an attempt to resolve a position. It’s a way of describing the conflict “as it is.” Listen together for the “truth in the room.” Don’t plan a course of action until you have seen, heard, or felt this truth together.

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Distinguish Criticism from Feedback

Our addiction to criticizing others is a huge block to effectively giving feedback. When we criticize, even if we choose our words with care, we are likely to assign others to a specific, potentially harmful, status. We are likely to assign others, for instance, to the status of being “wrong.” No one likes to be labeled “wrong.” Most people get defensive when they are labeled, even when sure they are not “wrong.” And what’s more important, defensive people block messages. Unless you are trying not to be understood, then, criticism is not an effective communication strategy. And it doesn’t help to call it “constructive” either. Saying something like, “I’m telling you this for your own development, your design is all wrong” isn’t going to produce positive results. Criticism is criticism. It blocks understanding.

So, what replaces “constructive criticism” for the responsible team member? Something I call “compassionate revelation” (i.e., telling your truth with compassion) works quite well. In fact, compassionate revelation is the essence of effective feedback. You practice it by pointing out the consequences of another person’s actions. The trick is to feed the consequences of someone’s actions back to them truthfully and compassionately.

Say you have a person reporting to you named Mary, and Mary places a proposal on your desk that, in your opinion, will have to be rewritten. Consider the following two responses to her work. You decide which one will get a better response and why:

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• “Mary, I’m sorry to have to tell you this even though it’s for your own good. Your proposal is lousy. It will have to be completely rewritten if you want a chance of getting the business.”
• “Mary, in my experience, this proposal is not going to produce the result that I think you want. Let’s talk about it and determine what it might take to get the business.”

Personal Challenge

Notice when you begin to assign someone the status of being “wrong.” Stop yourself and remain silent until you can compassionately feed back to the person the effects of her behavior on you or your teammates.

Hint: Criticism usually includes phrases like “You are (favorite judgment here)” or “This is (favorite judgment here).” Feedback includes phrases such as “When you (specific action here), I (your compassionately revealed response here).”

Team Challenge

Discuss with your team the distinction between criticism and feedback. Remember that most people have been told that constructive criticism is a good thing. Explain compassionate revelation and begin using it with teammates instead of criticism.

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What about Their Integrity?

It’s in your best interest to carry on collaborative relationships with the utmost integrity. Never be the first to defect.

If you are like so many people I talk to, the above statement makes perfect sense to you. It may, however, leave you feeling vulnerable to others’ defections. It may cause you to ask questions like, “What about them?!” and “Am I supposed to stand by and let others defect on me first?”

Although trying to second-guess others or trying to control them is wasted effort, it doesn’t mean we are helpless in our relationships. As we concern ourselves less with predicting the 74behavior of others and more with making our own behavior correspond with what we say, the people we deal with will follow our lead. The way we relate to others, then, can effect their actions. That’s right, their actions. Here’s how.

Learn and apply the “tit-for-tat” strategy referred to in the previous chapter. There are two rules to tit-for-tat: (1) Always cooperate on your first interaction with someone, and (2) on each successive interaction, follow the other person’s lead.

Based on Robert Axelrod’s research of game theory⁵, titfor-tat is a workable, proven formula for increasing cooperation under competitive conditions. Derived from game theory, computer science, and evolutionary psychology, tit-for-tat is the simplest and most straightforward strategy for (1) maximizing the potential of the relationship for each party and (2) getting out of a relationship quickly if the actions of others put you at risk of losing.

Think about it. If the other party follows the same strategy, both of you will make trusting opening moves when the relationship begins. Then each successive interaction will be one of trust, mutual support, and collaboration, and neither party will defect on the other. If, on the other hand, the other party does not cooperate with you (i.e., if the person breaks an agreement or takes advantage of you in some other way), then your next move, following tit-for-tat, will be to refuse to cooperate with them.

Tit-for-tat can be an effective way of building a relationship in the following ways:

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• In a new relationship, always be willing to make a contribution to the team that, if not matched by others, will not leave you feeling at risk. Then do what you said you would do, and see if others make similar contributions to the team. If they do, then tit-for-tat rules suggest that you keep making contributions to the team. If others don’t contribute, then tit-for-tat rules suggest you should reconsider your original contribution.
• When you choose to remain “locked into” a relationship (like staying with a job that requires you to work with others), make sure the other parties understand that (1) you will never defect on them, and (2) they can be in charge of the quality of the relationship: If they support you, you will support them; if they defect on you, you will withdraw support for them. Then follow through.
• Don’t tolerate defections. But don’t be overly punitive or self-righteous, either. Getting even is not a move in tit-for-tat. When you match the other party’s defection, always do so with equal or lesser force. If you match the other party’s defection with greater force, the other party is likely to take your move as a signal to escalate.

Personal Challenge

Choose a relationship in which (1) defections sometimes occur and often turn into escalations, and (2) you are committed to increasing collaboration. Commit to adopting tit-for-tat as your own strategy. As you think things through, consider carefully what you need to change about your behavior to make the strategy viable.

Team Challenge

After you have thought through how to change your behavior, solicit a conversation with a partner (a team member, colleague, or family member) about your dissatisfaction with how you have responded in the past and demonstrate your intent to respond differently in the future. 76

End with the Beginning in Mind

I don’t know why people so seldom end relationships well.

Maybe it’s because we all want so much to win—and endings are associated with losing. Maybe it’s because we are embarrassed that we don’t know how to derive any more benefits from a partnership. Maybe we are embarrassed because of unkept promises, real or imagined. Maybe we are upset because someone didn’t live up to our expectations.

Whatever the reasons, when collaborations or partnerships come to an end, most people start jockeying for position, politicking, and blaming negative circumstances on partners. Sometimes endings even explode into battles.

Were we to describe the phenomenon analytically, we might say that collaborative behavior tends to diminish as the outer edge of a contract’s time horizon comes into view. No matter how lucrative the venture may have been for both parties, by the time the end actually comes, it’s common for one or both parties to want to get far away from the other. Psychologists use 77this aphorism to describe bad ends: We don’t break up because we are fighting; we fight because we are breaking up.

I won’t pretend we can do much to avoid endings. They are as inevitable as beginnings. But I have observed that we can improve the quality of endings by avoiding three things:

1. Burning bridges
2. Harming reputations
3. Being inhumane to oneself and others

In my experience, we can practice TeamWisdom when it comes time to end a relationship by taking the following five steps:

1. End the collaboration by bringing to mind the positive intentions and positive results that the partnership produced.
2. Thank your partners for the opportunities, results, and trust they provided you.
3. Explain that you don’t see any motivation to continue investing in the relationship and that this does not mean that either party should attempt to cause a loss for the other.
4. Negotiate fairly and compassionately during the dismantling of infrastructure and the redistribution of responsibilities. Pay your fair share or more of these expenses. If either party feels threatened, engage the services of a facilitator.
5. If the other party exhibits difficult end-game behavior, show compassionate provocability and strive for resolution by de-escalating rather than escalating.

Personal Challenge

Reflect on one or more of your collaborations that ended poorly or in conflict. Bring to mind the best days of that collaboration. 78Now envision a way to use your current TeamWisdom to craft a more responsible endgame. Keep this vision in mind the next time you begin a collaboration.

Team Challenge

Identify an approaching ending for the team. This could be either an internal or external relationship coming to a close. Discuss the five steps outlined above and how the team will follow each step to create a smooth closure.

All Teams Need Closure

Have you ever been part of an effort that ended abruptly, was canceled, or just blew up? How about one that just petered out? Were you expected to come to work the next day and act as if nothing had happened? Weird, huh? 79

The way some teams end can leave participants feeling incomplete, confused, or even abused. Ending this way costs the participants psychically and diminishes their productivity.

People with TeamWisdom understand teams require closure. Most teams begin ceremoniously with announcements, formations, orientations, and launches. Too many teams, however, disregard the value of a ritual ending. Without one, members are left with the loose ends of their personal investment. A lack of formal resolution shows up in foggy cognitions like, “What was that about?” “Why was I involved in that anyway?” and “Do I really want to do that again?”

If your uncle Wilbert were suddenly to drop dead, would you bury him without some kind of service? Of course not. Why not? Well, society would label you a creep. Above and beyond the pressures of social convention, however, most of us would hold a service to “pay our last respects” and, by so doing, invite closure for ourselves and others in the matter of a deceased relative.

Beyond the moral and spiritual wounds, unacknowledged endings create craters in productivity. People can’t turn their attention and energy towards new goals until they have let go of the old. As a friend of mine says, all teams need either to celebrate together or to cry in their beer together. What they do together may not be nearly as important as the fact that they do something together to mark the end of their mutual investments.

To choose an appropriate vehicle for closure, ask yourself (and maybe a few others) what activity would allow members to feel “complete.” The size, cost, and formality of the activity depends on the desires of the group. One of my favorite closure activities is a simple meal or meeting where each group member gets to say what he thinks about the project. Go around the table until everyone has said what’s on her mind. 80

Personal Challenge

Search your memory for a relationship that ended without closure. When you identify one, make notes about what it would have taken for you to feel complete. Identify at least one concrete benefit you would gain from initiating closure. Would anyone else benefit from this closure?

Team Challenge

Discuss this question with your team: What closure activity should we initiate so that everyone can feel complete? Design an event that has meaning for all members of the group. Now hold the event and close the relationship so you can get on with a new project.

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