Index

  • Action, taking, 133–134, 148–149
  • Adolescent development, 86–87. See also Parenting teens
  • Adversity, reframing, 95
  • Advertising, television, 57
  • Anam Cara (O'Donohue), 33
  • Angelou, Maya, 77
  • Anger over mistakes, 138
  • Aperture, narrowing of, 130
  • Arginine vasopressin, 17
  • Arguments, 68
  • Atrophy, 87, 95–96, 110, 128, 132
  • Automatic decision‐making, 30
  • Awareness. See also Conscious awareness
    • of emotions/feelings, 120–121
    • family story and, 95–96
  • Balance, internal, 14–15, 18, 121, 131
  • Basketball, shooting, 30
  • Behave (Sapolsky), 86
  • Beliefs:
  • Best Moral Self (lens), 51, 115
  • Best Self (lens), 51, 114–115, 148
  • Bias:
    • confirmation, 4
    • conservation of energy, 109–110
    • eliminating, 146
  • Biological sensitivity to context, 19–20
  • Blocked messages, 25–26, 71
  • Bogus facts, debunking, 59–60
  • Bowling analogy, 23–24
  • Brackett, Marc, 121, 122
  • Care, 147
  • Carlson, Richard, 133
  • Car trouble, 68
  • Cascade of poor decision‐making, 6–8
  • Challenge and skills, balance between, 137
  • Change, self‐directed, 155–156
  • Chatter (Kross), 39
  • Checklist, emotions/feelings, 124–125
  • Children. See Parenting young children
  • Child's memory, storage of, 79–80
  • Choice overload, 2
  • Chronic stress, 128
  • Circumstances, facing “as is,” 137
  • Coaching yourself from the third person, 123
  • Cognitive dissonance, 4–5
  • Cohen, Leonard, 94
  • Command center:
    • access, blocking, 25–26
    • access, criteria for granting/blocking, 5
    • access, granting, 26–27
    • access, questions about granting/blocking, 42–43
    • Y.O.D.A. as gatekeeper to, 27–28
  • Communication, parent‐teen, 85–86
  • Computer trouble, 67–68
  • Conditions, rough, 138
  • Confirmation bias, 4
  • Conflict, political, 149–151
  • Congress members, 172–173
  • Connection to others, 132–133
  • Conscious awareness:
    • change, self‐directed, and, 155–156
    • decision‐making, important, 156–157
    • as defense weapon, 59
    • of emotions, 122–123
    • energy and, 106
    • as first step, 44–45
    • inner voice and, 157–159
    • in parenting teens, 88
    • strengthening capacity for, 174
    • underuse of, 5
  • Conscious decision‐making, 30–31
  • Conservation of energy bias, 109–110
  • Contradictory evidence, 60
  • Control:
  • Controllable events, 65
  • Core Values and Beliefs (lens), 52, 115, 148
  • Corporate decisions, 1
  • Cortisol, 17
  • COVID‐19 pandemic, 131
  • Credo, personal, 52, 115
  • Crisis, significance of, 134
  • Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 135
  • Cytokines, 17
  • Damasio, Antonio, 14, 116, 119
  • Data:
    • controllable sources of, 56–57
    • flawed, 174
    • preloading, 49
  • Dead end stories, 147–148
  • Debunking bogus facts, 59–60
  • Decision fatigue, 2–3
  • Decision‐making. See also specific topics
    • automatic, 30
    • blocking and tackling of, 29–31
    • cascade of poor, 6–8
    • conscious, 30–31
    • emotions and, 117–121, 123, 124–125
    • energy and, 3, 106, 107, 110
    • feelings and, 117–121, 124–125
    • as learned behavior, 12–13
    • observing, 13
    • process, reflecting on, 43
  • Decision‐making wall, 2
  • Decisions:
    • defined, 12
    • estimating number of, 175
    • potentially painful, 147
    • vetting future, 175
  • Details, focusing too much on, 139
  • Discouragement, 139
  • Don't Sweat the Small Stuff…and It's All Small Stuff (Carlson), 133
  • Dopamine, 16
  • Driving, learning, 73
  • Eagleman, David, 79
  • Eger, Edith, 67
  • Ego, checking, 137
  • Emotional control, 24, 118, 124
  • Emotional health, 18–20
  • Emotional intelligence, 111–112, 122
  • Emotional literacy, 24, 118, 124
  • Emotional nudge, 18, 111, 115–116
  • Emotional pain, 89–90
  • Emotional stress, 132
  • Emotional support, 147
  • Emotions. See also Feelings
    • awareness of, 120–121
    • challenges, 89
    • checklist, 124–125
    • decision‐making and, 117–121, 123, 124–125
    • drawbacks to, 5
    • envy, 113–116
    • events provoking, 112
    • exercise/movement to reset, 123
    • feelings versus, 19, 112–113, 117
    • gut feeling, 18, 111, 115–116
    • humor and, 124
    • identifying, 117
    • inner voice and, 114–116
    • intensity of, 118
    • journaling and, 124
    • labeling, 124
    • managing, 118–119, 122–125
    • mindset and, 124
    • nature/sunlight and, 123–124
    • negative, 118
    • nuances of, 116
    • positive, 118
    • prosocial, 118
    • rational thought and, 14, 60–61, 123
    • reflective consciousness of, 122–123
    • resetting, 123
    • scenario, 113–116
    • science behind, 112–113, 119–120
    • self‐coaching and, 123
    • seven lens process applied to, 114–115
  • Energy, 103–110
    • conservation of energy bias, 109–110
    • decision‐making and, 3, 106, 107, 110
    • dimensions of, 104–106
    • expenditure of, 131–132
    • feelings and, 105
    • full engagement and, 104
    • health and, 108
    • importance of, 110
    • inner voice and, 103, 104, 108
    • intensity of, 104–106, 108
    • investments of, 103, 104, 108–109, 176
    • negative, 104, 105, 106–107, 108, 110
    • positive, 105
    • as precious resource, 103
    • purpose and, 110
    • recovery of, 107, 109, 131–132
    • reflective consciousness and, 106
    • stress and, 131–132
    • valence, 104–106
    • voluntary recovery of, 107, 109
    • Y.O.D.A. energy management basics, 108–110
  • Engagement, full, 104
  • Entropy, 22
  • Envy, 113–116
  • Epigenetics, 68–70, 78, 87
  • Events:
    • controllable, 65
    • emotions provoked by, 112
    • interpretation of, 67–68
    • uncontrollable, 65–67
  • Evidence, contradictory, 60
  • Evolution science, 15
  • Excessive versus normal stress, 129–130
  • Exercise, 123
  • Facts:
    • debunking bogus, 59–60
    • as potentially wrong, 146–147
    • truth based on, 143–145
    • verifiable, 146
  • Family life, 69–70
  • Family story, 93–99
    • about, 93–95
    • adversity, reframing, 95
    • awareness, developing, 95–96
    • as challenge, 95
    • meta‐moment, recognizing, 98
    • practicing, 98
    • recipe for upshifting, 95–99
    • Y.O.D.A. Code, creating, 96–98
    • Y.O.D.A. Code, posting, 98
    • Y.O.D.A. journal entries, 98–99
  • Feeling out of it, 139
  • Feelings. See also Emotions
    • awareness of, 120–121
    • checklist, 124–125
    • decision‐making and, 117–121, 124–125
    • drawbacks to, 5
    • emotions versus, 19, 112–113, 117
    • energy and, 105
    • inner voice and, 114–116
    • jealousy, 113–116
    • labeling, 124
    • scenario, 113–116
    • science behind, 112–113, 120
    • seven lens process applied to, 114–115
  • Fiction‐making machines, humans as, 3–4, 60–61
  • Flow:
    • about, 135
    • anger over mistakes, 138
    • challenge and skills, balance between, 137
    • characteristics, 136
    • circumstances, facing “as is,” 137
    • conditions, rough, 138
    • ego, keeping out, 137
    • goals and, 137
    • inner voice coaching for, 138–139
    • mechanics/details, focusing too much on, 139
    • messages to enhance, 138–139
    • objectives and, 137
    • out of it and discouraged, feeling, 139
    • ownership and, 138
    • play frame, creating, 137
    • positive feelings and, 138
    • positives, focusing on, 137
    • present moment, focusing on, 137
    • process, focusing on rather than outcome, 137
    • reflecting on, 136–137
    • rituals/routines and, 138
    • sport performance and, 139
    • stress management and, 138
    • thinking too much and, 138
    • uptight and tense, getting, 139
  • Fool's gold (pyrite), 143–144
  • Fractured bone analogy, 128–129
  • Frankl, Viktor, 63
  • Fulghum, Robert, 70
  • Full engagement, 104
  • Getting home, 161–170
    • obsession with, 168–170
    • Tombstone Exercise, 162–168, 176
  • Goals and flow, 137
  • Goldman Dilemma, 171–172
  • Growth:
    • adversity and, 95
    • stress and, 127–128, 131
  • Gut feeling, 18, 111, 115–116
  • Habit formation, 29–30, 69, 73, 87
  • Health:
    • decisions related to, 1
    • emotional, 18–20
    • energy and, 108
    • importance of, 11, 24
    • improving, 174
    • mental, 20–22
    • mind‐body system, 14–17
    • physical, 17–18
    • spiritual, 22–23, 49
  • Home, getting, 161–170
    • obsession with, 168–170
    • Tombstone Exercise, 162–168, 176
  • Homeostasis, 14–15, 18, 121, 131
  • Hope, 148–149
  • Human beings as flawed decision makers, 1–2
  • Humor, 124
  • Identifying emotions, 117
  • IL‐6 and IL‐8 (immune system biochemicals), 17
  • Infant brain, rapid growth of, 78
  • Information:
    • controllable sources of, 56–57
    • flawed, 174
    • preloading, 49
  • Inner core, getting through to, 25–32
    • about, 25–27
    • access, deciding on, 174
    • blocked messages, 25–26
    • command center, open access to, 26–27
    • decision‐making, blocking and tackling of, 29–31
    • gatekeeper, Y.O.D.A. as, 27–28
  • Inner core, protecting, 55–61
    • about, 55–56
    • challenges, 59–61
    • guidelines for, 61
    • informational input, controllable sources of, 56–57
    • inner voice, taking charge of, 56–58
    • resistance, 58–61
  • Inner voice:
  • Inner Voice 1 (untrained), 34–35, 71, 114
  • Inner Voice 2 (trained), 35, 67–68, 71–72, 114
  • Inner Voice 2, transforming family story with, 93–99
    • about, 93–95
    • adversity, reframing, 95
    • awareness, developing, 95–96
    • as challenge, 95
    • meta‐moment, recognizing, 98
    • practicing, 98
    • upshifting, 95–99
    • Y.O.D.A. Code, creating, 96–98
    • Y.O.D.A. Code, posting, 98
    • Y.O.D.A. journal entries, 98–99
  • Insula, 28
  • Intensity:
  • Interpretation:
    • beliefs as, 141–142
    • of events, 67–68
    • perceptions as, 174
  • “I talk,” 36, 157–158
  • Jealousy, 113–116
  • Journaling:
    • emotions and, 124
    • family story, 98–99
    • inner voice, 45
    • voice training, 157–159, 176
    • Y.O.D.A. entries, 98–99
  • Justice system, U.S., 146
  • Kabat‐Zinn, John, 110
  • Kross, Ethan, 39
  • Labeling emotions/feelings, 124
  • Learned behavior, decision‐making as, 12–13
  • Learning:
    • adversity as opportunity for, 95
    • mental and emotional, faulty, 5
    • social and emotional, 121–122
  • Legislators, 172–173
  • Life Purpose (lens), 51, 115, 148
  • Line‐calling in tennis, 4
  • Maternal‐fetal synchrony, 33–34
  • Mayer, John, 111–112, 122
  • Mechanics, focusing too much on, 139
  • Mental health, 20–22
  • Mental literacy, 24
  • Mental stress, 132
  • Messages:
    • blocked, 25–26, 71
    • flow, enhancing, 138–139
    • parenting young children and, 82–84
    • received, 72
  • Meta‐moments, 70–72, 98
  • Mind‐body system:
    • about, 14–17
    • emotions and, 119–120
    • homeostatic maintenance of, 112
  • Mindfulness, 110
  • Mindset:
    • emotions and, 124
    • stress and, 131
  • Mission, ultimate, 53, 115
  • Mistakes, anger over, 138
  • Modeling Y.O.D.A., 88–89
  • Moral self, best, 51, 115
  • Motherese, 80
  • Motivated reasoning, 4
  • Motivation, 148–149
  • Movement to reset emotions, 123
  • Myelin, 55, 69
  • Myelinating, 69, 73, 124
  • Myside bias, 4
  • Myths about truth, 58–59
  • Nabokov, Vladimir, 39
  • Nature/sunlight, 123–124
  • Nature versus nurture, 63–74
    • debate about, 63–65
    • events, controllable, 65
    • events, interpretation of, 67–68
    • events, uncontrollable, 65–67
    • family life and, 69–70
    • meta‐moments, 70–72
    • myelinating and, 69, 73
    • neuroplasticity, 64–65, 68–70
    • outside world, influence on gene expression, 65–68
  • Negative emotions, 118
  • Negative energy, 104, 105, 106–107, 108, 110
  • Neuromyths, 63
  • Neuropeptides, opioid‐like, 16
  • Neuroplasticity, 50, 64–65, 68–70, 86–87
  • Normal versus excessive stress, 129–130
  • Objectives and flow, 137
  • Observing decision‐making, 13
  • O'Donohue, John, 33
  • Opinions, beliefs as, 141–142
  • Opioid‐like neuropeptides, 16
  • Others, connection to, 132–133
  • Overthinking, 138
  • Ownership and flow, 138
  • Oxytocin, 16, 132–133
  • Pandemics, 131
  • Parenting teens, 85–92
    • adolescent development, 86–87
    • communication landscape, 85–86
    • emotional pain, 89–90
    • importance of, 92
    • inner voice, transforming, 89
    • modeling Y.O.D.A., 88–89
    • neuroplasticity, 86–87
    • reflection exercise, 90–91
    • reflective consciousness of, 88
    • reframing teen intransigence, 88
    • skills required, 85–86
    • words, impact of, 89
  • Parenting young children, 77–84
    • child's memory, storage of, 79–80
    • infant brain, rapid growth of, 78
    • inner voice, transforming, 78, 80, 83
    • messages, uploading, 82–84
    • parent‐child Y.O.D.A. training, 83
    • parent's public voice, effect on your inner voice, 80–82
    • public voice, effect on your child's inner voice, 82
    • qualities, nurturing desired, 78–79
    • reflection exercise, 80–84
    • relationship as unique, 77–78
    • tone of voice, 80
  • Parents as role models, 99
  • Perceptions as interpretations, 174
  • Performance, sport, 139
  • Permission to Feel (Brackett), 121
  • Personal Credo (lens), 52, 115
  • Personal finance decisions, 1
  • Perspective, seeking, 133
  • Physical health, 17–18
  • Physical literacy, 24
  • Physical stress, 132
  • Plan, energy investment, 176
  • Play frame, creating, 137
  • Political stories/conflict, 149–151
  • Politicians, 172–173
  • Positive emotions, 118
  • Positive energy, 105
  • Positive feelings, 138
  • Positives, focusing on, 137
  • Present, focusing on, 137
  • Priorities, decision‐making, 5
  • Process, focusing on, 137
  • Prosocial emotions, 118
  • Protection from stress, 128–129
  • Public voice:
    • child's inner voice and, 78, 80, 82, 83
    • recording, 175
    • trained, 36–37
    • training, 157–159
    • untrained, 36, 37
    • your parent's, effect of, 80–82
  • Public Voice 1 (untrained), 36, 37
  • Public Voice 2 (trained), 36–37
  • Purpose, 51, 110, 115, 148
  • Pyrite (fool's gold), 143–144
  • Qualities to nurture in children, 78–79
  • Questions:
    • access, granting/blocking, 42–43
    • decision‐making process, 43
    • flow experience, 136–137
    • inner voice, 39–42, 43–44
    • parenting teens, 90–91
    • parenting young children, 80–84
  • Rational thought, 14, 60–61, 123
  • Reality‐distorting mechanisms, 3–5
  • Reasoning, motivated, 4
  • Recovery:
  • Reflecting:
    • access, granting/blocking, 42–43
    • decision‐making process, 43
    • flow experience, 136–137
    • inner voice, 39–42, 43–44
    • parenting teens, 90–91
    • parenting young children, 80–84
  • Reflective consciousness:
    • change, self‐directed, and, 155–156
    • decision‐making, important, 156–157
    • as defense weapon, 59
    • of emotions, 122–123
    • energy and, 106
    • as first step, 44–45
    • inner voice and, 157–159
    • in parenting teens, 88
    • strengthening capacity for, 174
    • underuse of, 5
  • Reframing:
    • adversity, 95
    • teen intransigence, 88
  • Resetting emotions, 123
  • Resistance, 58–61
  • Resource, energy as, 103
  • Responses, stressful, 129
  • Restaurant, deciding what to order from, 31
  • Rituals, 138
  • Role models, parents as, 99
  • Routines, 138
  • RULER program, 121–122
  • Sales programs, 57–58
  • Salovey, Peter, 111–112, 122
  • Sapolsky, Robert, 86
  • Scenarios:
    • Congress members, 172–173
    • emotions/feelings, 113–116
    • Goldman Dilemma, 171–172
  • Self, best, 51, 114–115, 148
  • Self‐coaching, 123
  • Self‐fulfilling prophecy, 4
  • Senses, 119
  • Serotonin, 16
  • Seven lens process:
    • about, 50
    • Best Moral Self, 51, 115
    • Best Self, 51, 114–115, 148
    • Core Values and Beliefs, 52, 115, 148
    • emotions, applying to, 114–115
    • feelings, applying to, 114–115
    • Life Purpose, 51, 115, 148
    • Personal Credo, 52, 115
    • Tombstone Legacy, 52, 115
    • Ultimate Mission, 53, 115
  • Shakespeare, William, 21
  • Skills and challenge, balance between, 137
  • Social and emotional learning, 121–122
  • Spiritual health, 22–23, 49
  • Spirituality, defined, 22
  • Spiritual literacy, 24
  • Spiritual stress, 132
  • Sport performance, 139, 171–172
  • Sports decisions, 1
  • Stage 1 control, 57, 61
  • Stage 2 control, 57, 61
  • Storytelling and stories, 141–151
    • about, 141
    • beliefs versus truth, 141–142
    • best self, aligning story with, 148
    • facts, potentially untrue, 146–147
    • facts, verifiable, 146
    • forward‐moving, 147–148
    • hope and motivation from, 148–149
    • importance of, 176
    • painful decisions, delivering, 147
    • political, 149–151
    • purpose, aligning story with, 148
    • stress and, 127
    • truth, fact‐based, 143–145
    • truth versus beliefs, 141–142
    • values, aligning story with, 148
  • Stress, 127–134
    • action, taking, 133–134
    • aperture, narrowing of, 130
    • basics for Y.O.D.A., 131–134
    • biological facts about, 127–130
    • chronic, 128
    • connection to others and, 132–133
    • control, lack of, 133–134
    • crises, significance of, 134
    • emotional, 132
    • as energy expenditure, 131–132
    • energy restoration/renewal and, 131–132
    • excessive versus normal, 129–130
    • flow and, 138
    • fractured bone analogy, 128–129
    • growth and, 127–128, 131
    • homeostasis and, 131
    • managing, 138, 176
    • mental, 132
    • mindset and, 131
    • normal versus excessive, 129–130
    • perspective, seeking, 133
    • physical, 132
    • protection from, 128–129
    • recovery from, 128, 131–132
    • responses to, 129
    • spiritual, 132
    • story we tell ourselves, 127
    • weakness and, 128–129
  • Stressful responses, 129
  • Stress hormones, 17
  • Sunlight, 123–124
  • Talmud, 53
  • Television advertising, 57
  • Tennis, line‐calling in, 4
  • Tense, feeling, 139
  • Thinking too much, 138
  • Third person, coaching yourself from the, 123
  • Tombstone Exercise, 162–168, 176
  • Tombstone Legacy (lens), 52, 115
  • Tone of voice, 80, 174
  • Truth:
    • beliefs versus, 141–142
    • delivering, 147
    • fact‐based, 143–145
    • myths about, 58–59
  • Tunnel vision, 5
  • Twain, Mark, 145
  • Ultimate destination in life, getting to, 161–170
    • obsession with, 168–170
    • Tombstone Exercise, 162–168, 176
  • Ultimate Mission (lens), 53, 115
  • Uncontrollable events, 65–67
  • Uptight, feeling, 139
  • U.S. justice system, 146
  • Valence, energy, 104–106
  • Values, core, 52, 115, 148
  • Vetting process, 50–53
  • View, narrowing of, 130
  • Voice memos, 158–159
  • Voluntary recovery of energy, 107, 109
  • Weakness and stress, 128–129
  • Winning, 70–71
  • Wisdom, equipping Y.O.D.A. with, 49–53
  • Wise Decision Insights:
    • emotions, challenges of, 89
    • emotions, effect of, 20
    • emotions, managing, 122–125
    • energy, managing, 107
    • energy, required by decision‐making, 3
    • flow, 139
    • home, getting, 170
    • inner core, getting through to, 31–32
    • observing others' decision‐making, 13
    • parents as role models, 99
    • spiritual health, 22, 23
    • Stage 1/Stage 2 control, 61
    • summary chapter, 174–176
    • teens, 89
    • Y.O.D.A., 27–28
    • Y.O.D.A. Rising, 77
  • Words, impact of, 89
  • Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, 120, 121–122
  • Y.O.D.A. (Your Own Decision Advisor):
    • bowling analogy, 23–24
    • decision‐making examples, 47–48
    • as gatekeeper to command center, 27–28
    • getting home with, 161–170
    • information, preloading with, 49
    • inner voice and, 71–72
    • journal entries, 98–99
    • modeling to teens, 88–89
    • parent‐child Y.O.D.A. training, 83
    • political stories, managing, 149–150
    • scenarios, 171–173
    • seven lens process, 50, 51–53, 114–115
    • stress basics for, 131–134
    • summoning, 175
    • training at home, 70–72
    • vetting process, 50–53
    • wisdom, equipping with, 49–53
    • wisdom from, summary, 171–176
  • Y.O.D.A. Code:
    • creating, 96–98
    • posting, 98
  • Y.O.D.A. energy management basics, 108–110
    • conservation of energy bias, 109–110
    • energy, importance of, 110
    • energy investments, 108–109
    • health and, 108
    • inner voice and, 108
    • purpose and, 110
  • Y.O.D.A. guided storytelling, 141–151
    • about, 141
    • beliefs versus truth, 141–142
    • best self, aligning story with, 148
    • facts, potentially untrue, 146–147
    • facts, verifiable, 146
    • hope and motivation from, 148–149
    • painful decisions, delivering, 147
    • political stories, 149–151
    • purpose, aligning story with, 148
    • story as forward‐moving, 147–148
    • truth, fact‐based, 143–145
    • truth versus beliefs, 141–142
    • values, aligning story with, 148
  • Y.O.D.A. Rising. See Parenting young children
  • Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 23
  • “You talk,” 35, 36, 157–158
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