This may sound obvious, but finding balance in the various areas of your life will help you improve your overall health and wellbeing, both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, balance is not always easy to attain. When life gets busy with a big project, for example, it can bring you off balance in other areas of your life. You might neglect your wellbeing due to high work demands or other factors that inhibit this balance. When you create time to prioritise yourself and pay attention to your body's needs, your health and wellbeing will be restored, even during challenging periods of your life. This chapter will explore simple ways to reclaim your balance and live more mindfully and intentionally in your life.

Koh Tao, Thailand

After spending about two and a half years cycling, trekking and travelling around the world, mostly in developing countries, I was getting a bit tired of regularly falling sick. I was exhausted and not enjoying travelling anymore. I was also drained from the noise and pollution of the many chaotic cities I had visited, so I decided to take a break and head to Thailand for a rest.

I rented a straw beach hut on a small island called Koh Tao for about $2 a night for a few weeks. I just wanted to lie in a hammock for a while. I shared the hut with a large gecko, who sat on the wall near my bed keeping the bugs under control. I named him Henry and gratefully welcomed him as my mosquito-munching companion given my previous experience with malaria in Africa.

I had never been good at staying still for too long. I had constantly felt the urge to keep moving and I was often on the road or planning my next adventures. However, I had to train my mind to give myself permission to stop and find balance from time to time.

I remember lying in my hammock one day staring out towards the Gulf of Thailand when I came to the realisation that life is all about balance, and I promised myself I would never again feel guilty for slowing down and spending time ‘just being still’. This was revolutionary for me. Although I was quite a ‘mellow’ person (pardon the pun), I also always felt I had so much to do in my life that I couldn't stand still for too long. I learned that balancing out periods of activity with moments of rest is a far more sustainable way to live your life and this has served me well for many years.

In Koh Tao my days were spent lying in my hammock, scuba diving, island strolling, enjoying the Thai cuisine and lying in my hammock some more. It was just what I needed to balance out the previous year's crazy adventures and to reflect on life. Sometimes, when travelling in countries like Africa, India and Asia, you can be overstimulated by everything you consume and it takes some time afterwards to process it all. For example, in India you can see all extremes of life — death, sickness, colour, hardship, beauty, poverty, beggars, extreme wealth, smiles, laughter and tears — in the course of a few hours.

I remember, while playing frisbee on a beach in Kerala, Southern India, I turned to see a corpse being carried on a wooden crate by mourners. They walked right in front of me, across our frisbee path, to publicly cremate the body. We paused our game to watch a funeral pyre being lit on the beach to send the spirit of the corpse up to the sky. It was fascinating and kind of weird to watch such a moment publicly. Later that night, in reflection, I questioned what I had just witnessed — sometimes it takes time for your mind to process what you have seen.

This also goes for life in general. Sometimes we get so busy that we don't have time to process anything properly, putting us on a perpetual wheel of overwhelming busy-ness, which could trigger cognitive overload and eventually burnout.

I find this is common for high performers I work with who feel this insatiable need to keep moving in overdrive at an unrelenting pace without ever stopping to reflect and process their thoughts. Initially they say that they think if they slow down and meditate or get out of their ‘busy mode’ they will lose their competitive edge. They feel they have to keep moving at 100 km/h to be on top of everything — to wake up before 5 am to outperform everybody else, and to stay up late to get everything done. They feel that being constantly ‘busy’ is being productive, but this is not always true. You can be very busy for hours on end but still be unproductive. For example, you could spend two hours working inefficiently in a state of fatigue; or you can spend 45 minutes on focused work after a renewal break and be far more efficient. Don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with getting up early and doing your healthy morning rituals, but you should balance this out with earlier nights. It's all about balance.

Back to Thailand: I must admit that after a few weeks of rest and relaxation in my gently swinging hammock, I felt fully energised and was ready to get on the road again. On my last night sleeping in my trusty little straw hut, I heard the ‘pitter patter’ of little footsteps on the floor underneath my bed. It sounded like a small animal. I assumed it must have been Henry, my gecko companion, but when I looked up to his spot on the wall he was still sitting there, motionless. What could it be? A rat or a mouse perhaps? I thought to myself as I drifted off to sleep.

In the morning, while packing my backpack, I heard the same pitter patter of footsteps behind me. I turned around to see the biggest, hairy, black spider I have ever seen running on the floorboards. I can safely say I have never heard footsteps from a spider before! It was definitely time to say goodbye to my little straw hut. Suffice to say I packed my bags with lightning speed as I waved goodbye to Henry, the big, hairy spider and my trusty hammock.

I decided I wanted to take things a little slower than previously, so I started travelling through Thailand, Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam, and along the way I spent most of my time visiting and staying in monasteries to immerse myself in the monastic way of life. I spent a fair bit of time in Luang Prabang in Laos, which at the time was not such a popular tourist destination. It is a small, French-influenced town on the banks of the Mekong River. It is full of Buddhist monasteries and is a training ground for novice monks to spend their early years of monkhood. I exchanged English lessons for learning meditation from the young monks, and Buddhist scriptures from the senior monks. Some days I spent more of my waking hours meditating than doing anything else. This was exactly what I needed at the time, but then, after a few weeks of living in monasteries, I also needed some action. It's all about balance.

Although monastic life is spiritually enriching, you spend long days meditating, resting, meditating, eating, meditating, cleaning, meditating, sleeping, meditating — and the days go on like this. It is a choice that a monk makes to dedicate a life to this way of living and I found it very interesting for a while, but being brought up in the busy Western world, it is not a realistic lifestyle when you have to work, pay bills, provide for your family and generally live as Westerners do. Not that one way of life is better than another, but it is all about the choices we make in life and finding the balance that works for you.

This experience taught me that everything in life is about balance. Life is full of ups and downs, with moments of busy-ness and moments of quietness. There can be stressful times and restful times, times of hardship and times of ease — and ultimately, it is our choice how we balance this out. It taught me never to feel guilty for taking time to rest and renew, especially after busy periods or challenging times, and I learned that this is a more sustainable way of living.

What is balance?

When we talk about balance, most people immediately think of work–life balance, but work is only one spoke in our ‘wheel of life’ (more on the wheel of life shortly). There are many other factors that bring balance to our lives — for example, relationships, hobbies, personal development, health and fitness, and so on. We need to invest time and energy in all areas of our life equally to reclaim balance.

Try this experiment right now: draw a circle on a page — or just imagine it, if you like — and divide the circle into two sections, as shown in figure 9.1. The two sections are simply ‘work’ and ‘life.’ Where do you spend most of your mental energy? For example, if you are at home and you are thinking about work after dinner or in bed, then that goes towards the work section, and vice versa. Now, I do understand that many people today work in a hybrid environment. But think about times out of working hours when you are thinking about work. Those times would go in the work section.

When I ask participants in my workshops how they would split the circle, I'm always surprised to discover that most people write something like 75 per cent work and 25 per cent life, or even 80/20 — and it is not unusual to get some 90/10 responses. Certainly, people who love their work automatically find themselves thinking about work much of the time, but it is important to strike a balance. If, for example, you have an 80/20 ratio, only 20 per cent of your time is available for ‘life’. When work is given such a big chunk of the circle, something has to be neglected or compromised to make way for this, such as your health and fitness, or time spent with your family, or socialising with friends. When it comes to finding balance and meaning in your life, it's important to invest in the areas of your life that you may be neglecting. This is also true when it comes to resilience: the more balance you have in various areas of your life, the more resilient you are to stress.

If you could turn back time, what would you do differently?

This is a question I often ask the senior executive clients (aged 45–65 years) I coach who work long hours in their high-pressure jobs. Every single one of them says something like:

• I wish I spent more time with my family.
• I wish I pursued more personal hobbies and interests.
• I wish I guarded some of my time to do more things for myself.
• I wish I was more present with my kids.
• I wish I looked after my health better.

Not one single person says ‘I wish I worked more hours!’

Once you get on that busy high-performance work treadmill and you have filled up your week with a demanding timetable, it's really hard to get off. And the longer you leave getting off, the harder it is. My advice to the under 40s who are working hard to prove themselves on their climb to the top is to guard some time for yourself as soon as you can and invest some of your energy in doing other things in life besides work, even if you love your work.

I was inducting a CEO of a large engineering company into my private coaching sessions and during the first session I asked him what his hobbies and interests were. After some deliberation, he wrote something down. Then I asked him when was the last time he had taken part in that hobby. He stopped and put down his pen. I watched his eyes well up with tears. He covered his face with both hands and started crying. It was a ‘penny drop’ moment for him. He wiped away his tears and said, ‘Oh my God, it's been over 15 years!’ He did not realise that he was so consumed by his climb to the top of the corporate ladder that he had forgotten to do things for himself and this is why he was approaching burnout. He did not dislike his job or the company he worked for, but he did acknowledge that everything else was out of balance. He had forgotten about his hobbies, he did not spend much time with his family and he rarely had time to socialise outside of work functions. He is not alone. Many people I meet through my coaching work do not realise how out of balance their life is until it is too late: either they burn out, or their marriage and family life suffer, or they reach some sort of crisis point and then finally seek help.

The good news is, this can all be avoided when we invest our time and energy into reclaiming other areas of our life to find a healthy balance.

How do I know if I'm out of balance?

When things don't feel quite right, you experience more negativity, frustration, anxiety and indecisiveness. Feelings of resentment or guilt are more prevalent and this is a sign that things are out of balance. You might feel you are not heading in the right direction and that you have no time for yourself at all. Physically, your body is trying to tell you that you need more exercise, a better diet and more sleep. But you're not sure how to go about it, so you keep on neglecting these things. You might even start creating some unhealthy habits such as increasing sugar, caffeine or alcohol consumption; smoking; or eating more junk food. You know something's not right but you are caught in a loop that you have difficulty getting out of. This is imbalance.

Balance means something different to everybody and can be based on what you value most in life. Let's say that your most important value is your family. Your children mean the world to you, but you find yourself spending far too much time at work and you cannot spend enough time with them. This is a mismatch of values so you feel frustrated and guilty. You resent work and feel out of balance. Reclaiming balance is about rediscovering, or reprioritising, what is important to you and making time to invest yourself in that. This does not mean giving up your job, but it may mean creating extra time and opportunities to be more present with your children.

A busy entrepreneurial lady named Amanda was referred to me by a psychologist after she experienced a full burnout. Amanda ran a very successful e-commerce business and worked long hours building it up into a multimillion-dollar business. She was mentally and physically burnt out. She had suffered health problems in the past but had not managed them well. The burnout happened progressively for Amanda. Over a period of about eight years she felt exhausted, but her passionate, entrepreneurial spirit just kept pushing through. She had two young children whom she loved dearly, but she barely had time for them. She felt guilty about this, but she was highly driven in her work, so she left the parenting mostly to her husband. She admitted that even when she was with her kids, she was not present, which made her feel even more guilty.

The first question Amanda asked me was, ‘How long will it take to recover from this burnout?’ I gave her a broad response, saying, ‘It could take anywhere from several weeks to a year, or even longer’. I could see that she wanted a quick fix so she could get back to her busy self again. Luckily, after a couple of sessions Amanda changed her mindset towards her recovery and committed to reclaiming balance in other areas of her life. We were both quite surprised that after about eight weeks of self-care practices and doing other things in her life outside of work she had a new zest for life, and she changed her outlook. She spent more time with her lovely children, she pursued a few hobbies, she joined a social tennis club and she slowed down her fast working-life pace. It did take about six months for a full recovery, but it was an absolute pleasure to watch Amanda go from completely burnt out to living a full and abundant life again. Her business was just as successful, but she put other people in place to run most of it while she enjoyed more time for herself and her family.

I have observed this pattern with many entrepreneurs and high achievers who are fixated on their work so much that they forget about everything else in their life. Research by De Mol and colleagues³² also suggests that this obsessive passion with work can lead to burnout, where people love their work so intensely and are so highly driven to spend all of their time working that they are more prone to burnout. It's great to love your work with a passion but, again, it's all about balance and not overworking yourself at the expense of everything else in your life.

If you are someone who gives themselves permission to slow down, have restful periods and enjoy some time out, then you are more likely to achieve balance in your life and prevent burnout.

Prevention is always better

The good news is, you don't have to wait until you experience burnout before taking some positive steps to find balance in your life. You can take action to prevent it happening in the first place. We've seen in previous chapters that if you spend more time developing your self-awareness and you are proactive in managing stress — along with being more consistent with your self-care practices and adopting the mindfulness techniques we have discussed in this book — you can beat burnout before it happens. Here are some preventative tips to help you find balance in your life.

The wheel of life

One of the best ways to reclaim balance in your life is to look at your wheel of life. A balanced wheel of life looks something like figure 9.2.

The wheel of life will help you get an overview of where you are spending your time. You may have already done a version of this at various times in your career, but it is always good to revisit it periodically to get a ‘bird's eye’ view of your current life. It is a simple but powerful tool that helps you visualise all the important areas of your life in one diagram. The wheel helps you to better understand which of your life areas are flourishing and which ones need some attention. You may be surprised by your findings!

This is something I take my coaching clients through to give us a ‘helicopter view’ of the different domains in their lives and to step back and look at the bigger picture. It is also a great roadmap for setting goals towards the areas you have been neglecting in life and to give you some direction. The wheel of life is a very subjective viewpoint, depending on what you value the most in your life, but it is a good place to start. I often ask my clients to give each area a grading from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) and to create their own wheel of life. If their wheel is balanced with 7/8s all the way around, the wheel will roll pretty evenly through life, but if it has 9s in one area and 2s in another, the wheel will be unbalanced and not roll very well. Very often there are 8s and 10s in the work area but 2s in social or relationships areas, so obviously we need to do some work in these lower scoring areas. At the end of this chapter you can do this practice yourself using the prompts and questions below.

Adopting a positive and growth mindset

One other aspect we can add to creating balance in life is adopting a positive and growth mindset. In simple terms, having a positive mindset means that you are optimistic about the world around you, you expect that good things will happen to you and you view the world through a positive lens. In contrast, a negative mindset indicates that you expect bad things to happen and you struggle to view the world positively, or you constantly worry about things going wrong. One of the diagnostic signs of burnout and poor mental health is being cynical or negative about everything and everyone around you, especially when you are feeling fatigued. In reality, some days can be tough and we struggle to see the good in the world around us, but the main challenges in your life can also be your biggest teachers and opportunities for growth.

Some of the biggest challenges in my life have led to a forced change, which has always been for the better and often a blessing in disguise. One particular event comes to mind when the company I was an employee at had a restructure and many of us were forced to quit at very short notice. Although it was difficult at the time, it turned out to be the catalyst for starting my own business, which I am eternally grateful for. Think back over the course of your life where you may have been resistant to change but something happened that made you change. Was it a good thing? When you adopt a positive mindset, you can begin to view the world with a different lens and learn from experiences that happen in your life.

Ways to nurture a positive mindset include:

• focusing on your strengths and positive qualities
• keeping up your self-care
• practising gratitude for the good things around you
• positive self-talk or positive affirmations (e.g. ‘I am enough’)
• bringing yourself back to the present when the mind wanders off into the past or future
• questioning your negative thoughts and turning towards them
• surrounding yourself with positive people who lift you up (not drag you down)
• setting good intentions to welcome and recognise the positive things in your day.

Similarly, a growth mindset is when we see challenges as an opportunity to grow and learn from a situation. Having a positive and growth mindset does not mean we avoid difficult or unpleasant situations; it is how you approach them and how you can learn from them. A growth mindset versus a fixed mindset will help you be more adaptable to change, willing to try things and learn from them and let go of things that you cannot control. Figure 9.3 summarises the difference between fixed and growth mindsets.

Adopting a positive and growth mindset helps you face challenges in a different way — you can meet difficult situations head on with the intention to learn and grow from the experience. It also helps you to be mindful when you are slipping into negative or fixed mindset patterns and do what you can to change your approach and reframe it positively. All in all, when you adopt a positive and growth mindset approach to how you view the world, everything seems more achievable rather than too difficult. Charles Darwin got it right many years ago when he said, ‘It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but rather the one most adaptable to change.’

I'll say it one more time, it's all about balance. What can you do to reclaim balance in your life? Whether it's a big change or a subtle one, you will benefit greatly from adopting some of the tips in this and the previous chapters. Imagine the feeling you get when all of the domains in your wheel of life are in balance and flourishing as you live your life full of passion, energy and vitality without the risk of burnout. Let's do it!