Chapter 13

GOLDEN RULES FOR RIGHT RELATIONSHIPS

MANY PEOPLE, and many time-honored religions and life philosophies, have their own unique prescriptions for creating and sustaining right relationships. One factor that can distinguish big-vision small enterprises from other organizations is a conscious commitment to setting and reaching a higher standard in relationship. What are the practices that help these visionary small enterprises to far exceed the norms? There are a few golden rules that, if honored, can help to provide a foundation for refining the quality of our interpersonal skillfulness and our relationships with others. The purpose? To better leverage this opportunity for qualitative growth and develop an inherent strength of smaller enterprise. Without observing these practices, it’s not possible to have a big-vision small business. We’ll explore the ways that a visionary small enterprise might consider and integrate these concepts later in the section.

GOLDEN RULE NO. 1: KNOW THYSELF

Paying others extraordinary respect and acting from a place of thoughtfulness requires that we’re not caught up in perpetual stress, frustration, anger, self-absorption, or ignorance. “Know thyself” isn’t an abstraction but rather truly wise advice. Of course, if it were that easy, everyone would be doing it, and we’d have a great deal fewer ego collisions in the world. Many people aren’t aware of their own personality masks, or “shadow side,” so other people live at the mercy of their moods. The good news? Life is, or can be, a journey toward increased skillfulness, and the payoff can be gradual rather than delayed. Better yet, since this moment, right now, is all that really exists—the past being behind us and the future not yet real—it’s never too late and one is never “too old” to become mindful of the moment or to enrich the quality of our days and our relationships.

The point is not so much to self-obsess or pigeonhole yourself—a common criticism aimed at personality assessments and so-called navel gazing—but to increase our awareness of how we interact in the world and how others might experience us. In learning more about ourselves, we also become more sensitive to and compassionate toward the potential and personality-driven foibles of others. We learn to react less and respond more, and do both more skillfully. We take the time to become more aware so that we increase our opportunities for deeper relationship normally wasted in miscommunicating, misunderstanding, and insisting that we get our way, even in seemingly irrelevant situations.

What can we do to proactively nurture these moments of greater awareness rather than passively settle for accidental brushes with grace? An excellent question for anyone interested in cultivating a big-vision small business. One resource I use in my own awareness-raising practice is the Enneagram, an ancient system of insight that was handed down in the oral tradition of the Sufis—a mystical sect of Islam—and more recently popularized in a number of self-help and organizational psychology books. Though stripped of its deeply spiritual roots in many of today’s popular workplace applications, the Enneagram honors the work in progress that is our lives. For me, the Enneagram is more holistic than many popular personality-typing formats, and I keep several books on the subject nearby when I need a wise perspective on an interpersonal challenge. Familiarizing ourselves with the Enneagram and other approaches only increases our level of awareness, highlighting patterns which resonate with us and identify areas of our life’s work.

Other disciplines are also important in our attempts to live the examined life, including our religious or spiritual practices—such as prayer, meditation, and communing respectfully with nature and one another. Many people, including many of the big-vision small-business owners with whom I spoke, maintain dedicated practices of reading and talking with others about spiritual and mindset-management topics. Practices for good health, including nutrition and exercise, play an important role, too, in our ability to stay grounded in our center instead of reacting to every hot button (did you ever try to stay grounded when you were rushed, or wired on caffeine and sugar?). This is where life, the journey, offers a wealth of opportunities to practice what we profess to believe—where the difference between saying and doing, believing and being, becomes sometimes painfully evident.

GOLDEN RULE NO. 2: FRAME AND LISTEN

One of the most wonderful concepts used in conflict-resolution programs is deep listening—literally, learning to listen deeply to others with less interference from your ego. That means you train yourself, through practice, to set aside those “But, but, but” and “That’s not right” inclinations so you can understand another’s point of view. The sad reality is that most people don’t listen but rather anxiously await the next opportunity to speak. Most conversations are actually monologues punctuated by periods of waiting to talk. But when someone really listens? Wow. Think about a time when you felt like someone was really listening to you. To be listened to makes us feel valuable, and members of a big-vision small business enjoy making others feel deeply heard and truly valued. That’s why deep listening practices provide an excellent opportunity for qualitative growth, right relationship, and increased joy and meaning.²

When deep listening is combined with framing, one element of skillful communication, the quality of your interactions can increase dramatically. You’ve no doubt heard of listening, if not deep listening. But framing? Think about it. What would it be like to build a house without first constructing a frame? It would be a struggle at best, consuming unnecessary resources, and completely impossible at worst, buckling every time you made progress on a certain section.

Communication is the same way. Without the proper framing, we can’t be sure our words will stand on their own or be received by others in the way we intend. It doesn’t matter if the conversation is electronic, spoken, or written. Without creating context, if we fail to properly state our intentions at the start, chances increase that we’ll be misunderstood and others will react to real or imagined slights or threats. You’ve no doubt experienced those uncomfortable moments, after launching right into some topic or sending out a memo, when you realize that others not only misinterpreted what you said, they’ve been offended and are angry or upset. And once we begin climbing that emotional ladder, we must spend precious time backtracking, apologizing, and attempting to gain clarity and mutual understanding of our original intention. While these situations can, if we choose to make them so, be rich in learning, they can also be at least sometimes avoided if we approach communication more adeptly.

By first framing the conversation (or taking responsibility for our communication by asking to have the conversation framed), all individuals involved will more likely share the same understanding, thus improving the outcome of our interaction in our daily communications. Here are a few helpful steps to get communication off to a good start:

• State your intention at the start. For example, if your intention for a meeting is that the group leave with an increased awareness of a certain issue that they must then translate into an action plan by day’s end, say that at the start of the meeting. If your intention for a performance discussion with an employee is that the two of you together identify opportunities to improve the relationship, say so.

• If you have a specific agenda, say so. “I’d like to start with this issue, discuss options, then make a decision by the time we’re finished meeting. Is this okay with you?”

• If you’re asking for action from others, say so. “It’s important that we get your feedback within 24 hours so the project won’t be delayed. The information in this packet is designed to help you provide that feedback as easily as possible.”

• If what you’re saying will be controversial or upsetting, say so. “What I’m going to say may be upsetting for you, and I might not say it as well as I’d hope. But I really need you to hear me out so we can come to the best resolution for each of us.”

These steps can help avoid unintentional communication problems that plague most organizations and limit attempts to deepen connections. That such practices are not the norm offers another way to meet big-vision priorities and distinguish the big-vision small business from other businesses. Lest we assume that we have no room for growth in this area, read on for the next golden rule.

GOLDEN RULE NO. 3: BE AWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS, JUDGMENTS, AND FILTERS

What do assumptions, judgments, and filters have to do with fostering right relationship? Almost everything, since they inform how we view and react or respond to people and situations around us. Is it possible to practice extraordinary respect and thoughtfulness from a place of absolute certainty, where we don’t even entertain the notion that there exists a perspective other than our own? No. We look around us, process that information through filters we’ve gained during the course of our upbringing, make assumptions about whether something is right or wrong, and issue a judgment that sets the stage for subsequent action. The less we’re aware of when and how we do this, the more likely our chances for miscommunication and less than optimal interactions with others. The smaller the group, the easier it is to foster a shared commitment to interpersonal skillfulness that has a positive effect on the business and all of its shareholders. As with everything else in life, our filters, assumptions, and judgments find their way into the very fabric of our business, which is why big-vision small-business owners encourage refinement in these areas.

For example, how often do business owners create work environments based on their own preferences for what they wanted as an employee? Pretty frequently. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be directly responsible for the creation of a unique, respectful, quirky, and engaging company culture, which is possible in a small enterprise. But what happens when the owner’s decisions are based solely on one or two past experiences, to the point where the effect on the workplace—and company health—is dysfunctional or limiting?

For example, an owner who was previously employed in a structureless and chaotic office might go to the opposite extreme, creating a workplace that is stifling in its devotion to regulation and policy. The person who was bruised by his participation in a closed, bureaucratic office environment might become too fervent about avoiding any structure at all. And our filters and assumptions have other far-reaching effects on our organizational culture and health: we might draw conclusions about an employee’s potential or a prospective opportunity that, without awareness of our filters, prove inaccurate and thus limiting. We might make snap judgments and react to a client’s feedback, thus missing an opportunity for a deepened connection. By uncovering and acknowledging at least some of our assumptions, we expand the territory in which potential and opportunity like awaiting our awareness. Just one more step forward in our quest for qualitative excellence.

Finding the right balance requires that we become more aware of ourselves and how we run the business and check out our own experience with feedback from employees and regular review of anecdotes from other business owners. We might ultimately make the same choices, but we’ll be more confident that those choices are congruent with our priorities for our big-vision small business and thus the work environment we wish to create (and that our customers find preferable).

GOLDEN RULE NO. 4: ENSURE COMMON UNDERSTANDING AND EXPECTATIONS

Many interpersonal low points occur when we assume that others understand us (or we them) but in fact they have no clear idea what we expect or understand what we’re looking for. The result? Friction and discord when day-to-day circumstances shine light on mismatched desires and expectations. In the workplace in businesses small and large, this often begins on the very first day of our interactions with prospective employees and continues through the employer-employee relationship until the employee leaves the organization or time and tension help to chisel an acceptable level of agreement (or dysfunction). And the same is true of relationships with clients and vendors, where assumed understanding ends in disputes that often damage trust and jeopardize the relationship. Why do business owners fail to communicate expectations? One reason includes tight timelines and pressures for quantitative return, resulting in a faster pace and less time for thoughtful, deliberate communication and follow-through. There is a better way: to be more aware of our communication from the start to ensure a greater degree of understanding and a more thorough navigation of expectations.

Is this as simple as it sounds? Assuming ease, being chronically afflicted with “There’s nothing to it” sickness, has landed each of us in trouble on more than one occasion. Perhaps you’ve worked with people who demonstrate little appreciation whatsoever for another’s craft and seem to assume that theirs is the only real expertise, everything else being uncomplicated and everyone else stupid. Ignorance, it seems, can be bliss, if you don’t mind bombing through life, oblivious to your series of relationship-scorching collisions with others. But serial ignorance and laziness can be expensive—intime, energy, and money—in a big-vision small business that’s intent upon developing strong, trusting relationships.

“No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.”

JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE

Achieving a deeper level of understanding and asking good questions to reveal matched and mismatched expectations relies, again, on self-awareness and skillful listening but carries the possible rewards of richer relationship and freed potential. Such understanding starts with our purposeful adoption of one assumption: that two people in conversation, or several in a group discussion, come to the table with their own particular beliefs, expectations, assumptions, and definitions. The two things we might safely assume are that we can’t assume anything and our way of thinking isn’t necessarily shared by others.

I remind my employees and myself to see every interaction or meeting as an opportunity to learn something new about the people with whom we’re interacting. After a meeting, for example, if we can’t point to one or several new things we’ve learned about the person, we haven’t been mindful enough during the meeting. By asking gentle questions and respectfully probing into deeper conversation, whether in the employment interview, ongoing staff meetings and performance evaluations, or discussions with prospective or current clients, we take an important step in building common understanding. This helps to solidify the foundations of right relationship. How? With the assurance of shared expectations, we’re less likely to face the prospect of hearing “That’s not what I expected” as an employee or client heads out the door.

GOLDEN RULE NO. 5: BE WATCHFUL OF OVERFAMILIARITY

The wonderful thing about developing relationships with others is that we get comfortable interacting with one another and gain a deeper understanding of how others approach things, which allows us to work together more productively and be of greater service. Yet increased familiarity also breeds the possibility for complacency and even sloppy service or a lack of professionalism or respect, whether within the office or between your group and your customers, vendors, or partners.

If the goal of treating others with extraordinary respect and thoughtfulness informs our daily interactions, regardless of whether relationships are new or well established, is it possible to slip into complacency that others might easily perceive as unprofessional or disrespectful? This becomes less likely if, in having extraordinary respect as the goal of our interaction, we’re already more mindful of our own behavior in relation to others. Only when we lose sight of our ideal for our interactions—or if we have no ideal, which is too often the case if our predominant interest is meeting profit quotas—are we likely to slip into behavior that distinguishes us in a negative way, if at all.

Our challenge as big-vision small-business owners is to review regularly, in collaboration with the people of our organization, how ideals such as extraordinary respect or the avoidance of overfamiliarity and complacency can inform our actions planned for that day or week. How are we treating one another? How are we treating our clients and vendors? How do we know? Is that good enough? In asking these questions and using the answers to modify and refine our behavior, we move closer to manifesting our highest vision in the enterprise’s everyday actions.

GOLDEN RULE NO. 6: FOSTER A SENSE OF SERVICE AND GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT

Many of the business owners with whom I have spoken believe that there are some things you just can’t teach a person who isn’t open to learning. These lessons are often tempered and shaped in the heat generated by the events of our lives, not taught in a classroom or office building. One such characteristic is having a desire to be of service to others, fostered by a generosity of spirit that can’t be contained and seeks outlet at every opportunity—not just during the hour or two of a weekly religious service or the day before a client meeting or performance review.

Such generosity of spirit, a priority of being of service to others, is like the finest gold in any organization, particularly in a small organization that is truly values- and vision-driven. Yet if such a quality isn’t teachable to those who don’t demonstrate it, how can we as big-vision small-business owners foster it?

This is one of the key challenges we face, one that intersects with our commitment to our organizational vision. Though I believe that everyone on the planet has the capacity for service to others, living, working, and shopping on that planet tells me that not everyone demonstrates such a capacity regularly. And yet, while our culture promotes and celebrates self-service, there are still many people who choose to develop their capacity for generosity to others, including those who choose to do so through their small business. Thus another characteristic that distinguishes the big-vision small business from the pack of mediocre organizations.

Bringing this personal sense of service into a business’s fabric, and being committed to that quality as a key component of the business, forces some difficult decisions when recruiting, selecting clients, and determining how big quantitatively the business can be. This is a very individual, very subjective characteristic, so it isn’t one we’ll find mass-produced and easily acquired. Generosity of spirit and a dedication to service are ways of being, not assembly line activities.

In a big-vision small business we can, through our actions, model these qualities to a greater extent than is possible in a franchise or large company. We can choose to be selective and hire people to whom these traits are also important, versus hiring to meet a numerical quota; we can define, celebrate, and reward demonstrations of such qualities in action; we can do more, rather than less, than what our clients expect; we can share information and resources without nickel-and-diming the recipients; and we can step away from projects or opportunities that would require us to extinguish or subvert such ways of being. These are not easy choices in a world in which success is equated with a bigger number, but they become easier if we have defined our vision and honestly evaluated the priorities that form the foundation of our big-vision small-business ownership.

GOLDEN RULE NO. 7: BE CALM AND CENTERED

I explore the foundational elements of a business owner’s ability to remain calm, centered, and skillful in the last section of the book, which covers wisdom and mastery practices. Yet the subject warrants a brief mention as a golden rule. What does one’s spiritual or mindset-management practices have to do with one’s ability to shine in the area of right relationships? The same thing good soil and attentive care have to do with nurturing a healthy garden.

It doesn’t matter whether you call it religion, spirituality, mindset management, philosophy, faith practices, psychology, mind-body wellness, or nothing at all. Many such philosophies provide guidance on how to cultivate ways of being and areas of practice geared to quieting the “anxious mind” and treating people right. Also, if you don’t have a set of practices that help you decrease your stress level, reduce your flash points, soften your judgments, and expand your perspective, you are not going to be—or do—as well.

Many studies and books have reached the mainstream regarding how such practices produce more healthful bodies and reduce illness, primarily because they help produce healthier minds. The same is true of your ability to foster right relationships. If you are preoccupied, you cannot listen well and are more likely to be forgetful. If you are angry, you are much less likely to be thinking clearly and speaking respectfully. If you are caught up in fearful thinking, you are more likely to be dwelling on something that hasn’t yet happened and less likely to be practicing extraordinary thoughtfulness. Practices such as centering prayer, meditation, exercise, and visualization, for example, help quiet the mind and deepen our faith, thus strengthening the foundation upon which right relationships—and a successful, rewarding livelihood—can be built. (For more information on the relationship between faith and mindset practices and right business, see Section Four.)

Putting the Golden Rules into Practice

So what? you might say. Anyone can adopt these practices regardless of the size of his or her organization, right? And you would be correct in saying so. Yet the things that we can do aren’t always the things that we choose to do. Think about it. Even if an individual elects to undertake such personal-mastery practices in the area of right relationship, which do you think will be more likely embedded in an organization’s culture: a number of individual employees practicing mastery-level communication and relationship building throughout a 4,000- or 85,000-person corporation pressured to achieve a blistering pace of growth and investor return, or every person in a five-person enterprise committed to shared principles and practices for right relationship?

How do these golden rules permeate the very real, very competitive ground on which we do business each day? What might right relationship and extraordinary respect look like in our day-to-day recruiting and managing, in our operations and client service? How might we increase our proficiency in right relationship and develop deep, positive, mutually beneficial connections with employees, customers, and our community? How can we be more conscientious about the effect our business has on others? The remaining chapters in this section feature stories, tips, and insights that have been quilted together from my own and others’ experience and offer ideas that we can learn from and incorporate into the daily activities of our big-vision small enterprise.