27
DOUBLE DOWN OR ONLY CHILD
Your life became so much more enjoyable once you pulled yourself out of the cycle of obsessive procreation attempts. You and Nathan were able to find pleasure in each other again—both in terms of non-fertility conversation topics, and even in sex, purely for the sake of enjoyment.
After a year of this reignited partnership, and many an agendaless romp in the sheets, you are actually taken by surprise to realize that your period is late. Really late. You feel sick and tired, and completely overjoyed.
Other than a draining first trimester, your pregnancy goes smoothly. You are still working at the green energy company, having moved up to a marketing manager position. Your manager has children too, and she is supportive of you taking your full three-month maternity leave and then easing back in part-time for a few weeks. You recognize with disgust that this pales in comparison to other countries, with the US being the only high-income country in the world that does not offer paid maternity leave.1 But you also know that a quarter of new mothers in the US have to go back to work ten days after having a baby, so you count your blessings.2
You work up until the baby comes . . . literally. You are sitting at your desk one morning, six days before your due date, when you feel a rush of liquid. You are one of the lucky 15 percent of women whose water breaks before you are even in labor . . . just like in the movies.3 You somehow leave work and get to the hospital and proceed to have the medicated birth you had planned for.
You have a gorgeous little boy, and it feels like a distant dream has come true. You and Nathan decide to name him Paxton.
Your maternity leave passes in a haze of nursing, diapers, one-handed meals, occasional showers and laundry, and sheer and utter love. You are at the same time no longer yourself and more yourself than you have ever been. Your life is now a dichotomy of sensations. Everything that was ever enjoyable isn’t anymore, and everything that was ever mundane is now fascinating.
When it is time to return to work, you enroll Paxton in an at-home daycare near your house. It feels heart-wrenching leaving him, but you trust that he is in good hands. After a couple of weeks of frequent crying over the humming “shlurpchuckaah . . . shlurpchuckaah . . . shlurpchuckaah” sound of your breast pump, you get into a routine that works. Other than some pretty major sleep deprivation, you feel mostly back on your game at work. Paxton is growing at a healthy rate. And Nathan is making himself helpful where he can, although Paxton seems to only want you and your milk dispensary most of the time.
As you near Paxton’s first birthday, your monthly cycle comes back. This prompts a conversation with Nathan: should you go on birth control or leave the possibilities open for a second child? You both had siblings and appreciated how you always had someone to be with as you grew up. You also both believe it would be good for Paxton to learn how to share and compromise and not get spoiled by being an only child. With women in the US having an average of 2.07 children, it certainly wouldn’t be uncommon for you to try for another child.4
However, you’ve also learned that kids are expensive! Between the medical costs, the lost salary due to maternity leave, and daycare tuition, the first year alone has completely changed your lifestyle. You could find a way to make ends meet with two, but it would be tight.
You know from your first time attempting to get pregnant that it can take a long time. And if you did have two children, you would like them to be close enough in age to play together. But at the same time, you feel like you’re just barely starting to get your body, and your sleep schedule, back since Paxton was born. You’re not sure you’re ready to dive back in again.
If you choose to go on birth control and stop while you’re ahead, go to Chapter 41.
If you choose to try for another baby so that Paxton has a sibling to grow up with, go to Chapter 39.