Your partner

This was one issue I had spotted, but the range of different situations and problems took me aback. Here is some advice on how to deal with the most common issues.

Your partner is a housewife or house-husband

Provided you are both aware of the issues that can arise there need be no problems. However, if you are not aware that there may be problems you are about to embark on a journey that is about as safe as playing hopscotch in a minefield.

Talk to your partner about likely problems before you retire. This means that you can plan solutions in advance and, if you encounter problems, you can talk them through rather than having blinding rows, or pained silences (which can be even worse).

The saddest story I heard was when a man retired from a physical job he decided that he was going to have a holiday for the rest of his life. His holiday entailed his wife waiting on him – hand, foot and finger. The worst part of this story is that his wife went along with it and, to make matters worse, he died of natural causes rather than being killed by her.

Just because your partner enjoys your company on holiday, it does not mean they are not going to have their life severely disrupted by having you around the house all the time.

There are many potential problems that need to be addressed.

Your partner is used to being the boss round the home

You were the breadwinner, and your partner ran the home. It is unlikely that your partner is going to take kindly to you assuming that you will now make the decisions in your home life. On the other hand it is reasonable for you to want to have a say in how the home is run. There are no right and wrong answers here, but if you and your partner do not communicate well then do not come whining to me when you step on a landmine!

Negotiate new daily routines

To illustrate the point, consider the following question: ‘What time are we normally going to get up in the morning?’

You and your partner now have the freedom to make new choices, but if you change the time you both get up then your partner will have to adapt their routine to cope with a lie-in in the mornings (strangely, I did not meet any couples who chose to get up earlier!). This is not a trivial issue because a leading UK researcher into retirement found that the freedom to have a lie-in was high up the list that the subjects of her research reported of the main benefits of retirement.

I recommend that your starting point should be that your partner’s routine will be as little altered as possible. You probably will find then that your partner suggests changes, and you can jointly discuss which ones you make. There is no hurry to make these changes – take things slowly and see what works.

A good way to make space for positive changes in your partner’s routine is to offer to do some of the chores. If you are a man reading this book, then I have some bad news for you – there really is no reason why you cannot help clean the house, put the rubbish out, etc.

Give each other space

I have a suspicion that there is often a fine dividing line between ‘it is nice that we see more of each other now’ and getting on each other’s nerves. So it should come as no surprise that my next recommendation is that you pursue individual interests, have your own friends and have your own separate spaces in the house or garden where you can be on your own.

Your partner retires while you continue to work

When this happened to me I really wished I had known that it could be such an unsettling experience. There are a number of reasons for this, some of which I will deal with here, and others will be covered in the next section where the situation is reversed (you retire and your partner continues to work).

The main issue is that you and your partner no longer share the experience of pursuing a career and you alone face the pressures of working. You will find that your conversations at home with your partner change rapidly, as their interests will change dramatically. The solution is to make sure you both show an interest in what the other has been doing during the day, and what they plan for the days ahead.

Now listen very carefully, this is important – your partner’s new purpose in life is not to make life easy for you. The wife of a couple in this position used to write her husband long lists of things to do. Even when asked to stop she continued to write them. They separated for two years! I’m sure your partner will be happy to do extra to support you, just don’t expect more than they are happy to give. Remember they will have new goals and ambitions to pursue.

It is difficult not to be jealous of your partner’s new life. Envy is fine, but jealousy is not! Remember that they will also have twinges of envy about the faster-paced life you lead at work.

You retire while your partner continues to work

You need to remember that your partner is still facing the pressures of work, and act accordingly. Nagging your partner because they have to rush off on urgent trips and meetings at short notice, work long hours, bring work home (just like you used to) is not fair. In fact, investing part of your wonderful new life in making things easier for your partner would not be unreasonable. You will find that you will probably have much more energy than your partner, and you need to be careful about wanting to do more things than they physically can cope with – although if you have done some of their weekend chores you may find they are delighted to go out more.

If your partner is still enjoying work then do not put pressure on them to retire, even if you could manage financially if they did.

General relationship advice

If you have any problems in your relationship they are quite likely to deteriorate after you retire. A classic example is couples who argue about money – this will get a lot worse when you have less to live on.

Most couples sweep their problems under the carpet, but when you retire it may well be better to start talking to each other about any problems you have. Because this can be a quite painful process there is no shame at all in seeing a professional counsellor. I have received excellent feedback about the effectiveness of relationship counselling.

Do you remember to show your partner that you still love them? Do you tell them that you love them? Are you as considerate and thoughtful as you should be? When was the last time you surprised them with a visible show of affection – for example if you are a man when did you last buy your partner something nice like a decent bouquet of flowers? If your partner is not their usual bouncy self do you check if they are feeling under the weather, or are worried about anything?

I have made the point about giving each other your own space, but if you are both retired you will be able to do more things together. Shared treats are really important, as are shared activities.

One couple I know decided to take up golf together, and it has become a passion for both of them and has reinvigorated their relationship. I wish I could be as positive about playing bridge together, but I fear this can sometimes be a shortcut to the divorce courts.

Children and grandchildren

Now this might upset you, for which I am sorry, but here is one of my golden rules:

Do not expect support from your children; be grateful for what support they offer.

You do not have children so that they can look after you in your old age. They did not ask to be born so, although they almost certainly want to help, they do not have a duty to do so. They do not have to repay you for the effort you made to bring them up.

Even if you do not accept my arguments then I will make a purely practical point, which is that if you expect things of your children you will almost certainly end up unhappy, and they could end up resenting you or even in extremis hating you. In particular, if expectation goes as far as being demanding then I would expect everyone to end up unhappy.

Many parents will be in the happy position where some, or all, of their children, nieces and nephews will want to help them. I strongly suggest that offers of help are accepted graciously. I came across cases where parents had to be pressured into accepting help. Even though you may want to preserve your independence, try not to be resistant to offers of help.

A common problem, which comes up time and again, is when one child provides most of the support to their parents, and then those parents seem to favour one or more of their other children. Unsurprisingly, this does nothing for the relations between their children.

This advice holds true for most Western cultures. However, there are many other cultures where the customs are so different that they make it inappropriate.

Financial help

Lending money to family members often leads to problems, so an outright gift is usually better.

It is important to consider your own financial security as a factor when giving financial help to your loved ones. In my research there were many cases where parents had provided much more financial help than they could really afford to. Sadly, there were also a number of situations where children and grandchildren seemed to be taking advantage of their parents’ and grandparents’ generosity.

An issue that many retired people mentioned was whether they had to be even-handed. If they gave assistance to one child or grandchild, did they have to make an equivalent offer to their siblings? Some addressed this by keeping their wills up to date, to take account of substantial gifts. Most treated one-off gifts as ‘special cases’ and took the view that if they had a similar circumstance with another child or grandchild in the future, they would try to offer equivalent help. Regardless of what approach you take, I would try and encourage you to not feel guilty – it’s your money and you can give money away as and when you think appropriate.

If you are well off then you will have to resolve the difficult issue of how early you start to pass on your wealth. On the one hand, it seems a shame for those who ultimately will inherit your money to wait until they are probably of an age when they do not really need it. On the other hand, you may feel that access to your savings at too early an age will prevent your children and grandchildren from making their way through life ‘on their own’. The most common approach I encountered was for well-off people to help children with their first house purchase. None of the people I talked to who had used this approach later wished they had behaved differently.

Looking after grandchildren

A recent newspaper article I read said that in the UK grandparents typically provided three days’ childcare per week. This figure indicates that childcare easily can become the dominant activity for retired grandparents. I found that many grandparents were very happy to take on this role but there are a significant number of potential problems, which are well worth highlighting.

Just as I warn parents not to expect their children to support them as they get older, there is a reciprocal danger that children become dependent on their parents to provide childcare services. If as a grandparent your children depend on you, looking after your grandchildren can turn from a delight into a burden.

What is the solution? Yet again, good communication is the best answer. You need to openly discuss any concerns you have with your children, so that they do not inadvertently start taking advantage of you. You also need to lay down your own guidelines – you must not feel that you cannot say no. It is not selfish for you to want to pursue your own pleasures and ambitions, and you need to allow enough time for you to have a life of your own.

It is important to let your children decide how to bring up your grandchildren. Make sure that you find out from your children what their philosophy and rules are, in particular clarify how and when you, rather than your children, should discipline your grandchildren. Do not try and impose your own standards and values and, when looking after your grandchildren, do not undermine your children’s approach, rules or authority. It may seem like a bit of harmless spoiling to you, but your children may well not see it that way!

Some grandparents are so wary of butting in that they provide less support than they would like to. In such circumstances you should make it clear to your children that they only have to ask.

A number of grandparents warned me that as they got older they found looking after their grandchildren increasingly tiring. In addition, a number of grandparents found the responsibility of looking after their grandchildren more worrying as they got older. This is something that you and your children need to be aware of, and you all need to be ready for the time that the childcare support you offer will need to decline. Also, be alert to the time when you need to stop providing regular childcare, and move to covering just short-term and urgent requirements. You may find that you are much less happy looking after babies than older children. Alternatively, you may find it difficult to look after your grandchildren until they start developing their own personalities. You need to discuss such issues openly with your children.

Do be even-handed with the support you offer to your children. It can cause tensions if you lavish more support on one, or more, of your children.

Parents

One of the more unsettling events in anyone’s life is when their parents change from being a source of support to becoming dependent on you. Supporting elderly parents was probably the issue that caused the most grief to the retired people I talked to. If your parents become dependent on your help then I can offer the following guidance.

If you have brothers and/or sisters then try and present a united front to your parents. Some parents will try, either consciously or unconsciously, to drive wedges between their children. Life will be much better if you can stay on close terms with your siblings and agree a common approach to handling the needs of your parents. Sadly, it is not uncommon for tensions to grow about the possible future division of the inheritance from your parents’ estate. If this does happen to you the best tactic is to drag the issue out into the open. Once money is discussed openly it seems that people tend to behave better.

An extreme example of the desirability of staying close to your siblings is when a decision needs to be taken about whether parents move closer to one of you, or even in extremis whether your parents move in with one of you.

Having a parent come to live with you can put a lot of pressure on the whole family. When I was a lad my parents had my irascible grandfather living with us. It put a great strain on my parents’ marriage and also it had a very unpleasant effect on myself, my brother and sister.

If a brother or sister is shouldering the lion’s share of the burden to look after your parents, make sure you give them as much support as you can. For example, make sure that they have cover for their holidays. Also remember to show your appreciation – for example, if they happen to live close to your parents that is no reason for you to expect them to shoulder the whole burden.

The most difficult issue that you may face is when your parents ask, or demand, more than you are comfortable to offer. It is definitely worth hinting that you are not happy, for example by reminding your parents of your other responsibilities to your family, your in-laws, or your work, and this may well work for a while. However, there really is no easy answer to this situation. If you decide you must say no, then try to not get wracked by guilt. As I have already made clear it is my view that you do not have a duty to say yes all the time.

The rest of society

In the UK, and many other countries, the problems of ageism are far less acute than they used to be. As just one example, many employers now fully appreciate the value of mature workers. There are, however, a number of areas where subtle, but damaging, discrimination still occurs. I encourage you to confront such discrimination where you encounter it. I will highlight some areas that were mentioned frequently to me:

• The use of a demeaning style of communication. People may talk to you loudly and slowly, on the assumption that you have impaired hearing and mental abilities. They may address you as ‘my dear’, ‘love’ and the like. In these situations a polite request to talk to you like anyone else is not at all inappropriate.
• Some members of the medical profession may treat you differently from a younger person. As a serious and common example, older people have a higher prevalence of depression, but many doctors assume that depression is an inevitable condition of aging. It is not! Insist on getting proper treatment if you suffer from depression, or any other ailment. If you have the money you may decide to go privately, but if you cannot afford that then take a firm line with your doctor and ask explicitly for a referral to a specialist.
• If you need assistance from social services, you should not accept any intimation that what is being offered is charity – it is your right.
• People may assume that because you are retired you have unlimited time to help them. You need to say no to requests for help that will stop you achieving your goals and ambitions for your retired life.

A final thought

Now you are retired you have time that can be invested in creating, maintaining and strengthening your relationships. This can be one of the greatest delights of retirement.