CHAPTER 3

The Law of Connectivity

Contagious Cooperation

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.

—THEODORE ROOSEVELT

I was traveling and speaking with a famous personal development speaker (who will remain anonymous). It had been a very long day by the time we arrived at our next destination very late at night. We were checking into our hotel for our speaking engagement the next day. He asked the young lady for an upgrade, and she replied that no upgrades were available.

He said, “Do you know who I am?”

“No,” she answered.

“Do you know how often I frequent your hotel?”

“Sorry, sir, I don’t,” she politely responded.

He started to raise his voice and get angry. When she would not give him a complimentary upgrade, his anger escalated as he asked to see her manager. She quickly told him, “I am the manager.” He went to his room disgruntled, and he did not get his upgrade. I approached the desk and said, “I am sorry for that. Nobody should treat you like that.”

She said, “That’s OK. It’s part of the job.”

We chatted for a bit, and I made sure there was a connection. At the end of our conversation, she said, “Thank you for your patience. Would you like a complimentary upgrade?”

We have all had the experience of feeling an instant connection or bond with someone after just a few seconds of being in their presence. This is the Law of Connectivity. On the flip side, we have all met someone who rubbed us the wrong way or repelled us. We instantly did not want to be around them. This reaction is caused by a lack of connectivity and usually takes only a few seconds to manifest itself. This disconnect closes the door to persuasion.

The Law of Connectivity states that the more someone feels connected to, similar to, liked by, or attracted to you, the more persuasive you become. When you create an instant bond or connection, people will feel more comfortable and open around you. They will feel as though they have known you for a long time and that they can easily relate to you. When we feel connected with people, we feel comfortable and understood; they can relate to us, and a sense of trust ensues. This connectivity is critical on the phone, during a presentation, or in social media.

Note: Really connecting with others requires an attitude of sincerity, practice, and a true interest in the other person. Whatever you do, never assume they like you.

Connectivity involves four main factors in: attraction, similarity, people skills, and rapport.

ATTRACTION: THE HALO EFFECT

Some might say that this section is not politically correct or that it is not fair or too judgmental, The reality is that everyone judges. Some perceptions or triggers you can fix; others you cannot. Focus on the things you can improve, and don’t worry about the rest.

Attraction operates by making one of your positive characteristics affect other people’s overall perception of you. As a result of what is called the Halo Effect, people automatically associate traits of kindness, trust, and intelligence with attractiveness. We naturally try to please people we like and find attractive. If your audience likes you, they will forgive you for your “wrongs” and remember your “rights.” In fact, studies show that physically attractive people are more able to persuade others. They are also perceived as friendlier and more talented, and they usually have higher incomes.¹ But the term attractive means more than just looking beautiful or handsome; it also involves having the ability to attract and draw people to you. Your physical attractiveness will influence attitude changes,² enhance your expertise, and increase agreement.³

The effect of attractiveness transcends all situations. For example, the judicial system, which is supposed to be based upon evidence, has documented cases where attractiveness made a dramatic difference. In one Pennsylvania study, researchers rated the attractiveness of 74 male defendants at the start of their criminal trials. Later, the researchers reviewed the court records for the decisions in these cases and found that the handsome men had received significantly lighter sentences. In fact, the researchers found that the attractive defendants were twice as likely to avoid jail time as unattractive defendants. In the same study, a defendant who was better looking than his victim was assessed an average fine of $5,623. Yet when the victim was the more attractive of the two, the average compensation was twice that much.⁴ What’s more, both female and male jurors showed the same bias.

Have you ever noticed that some children seem to be able to get away with anything? Some research has shown that attractive children who misbehave are considered “less naughty” by adults than less attractive children. In elementary school, teachers often presume the more attractive children are more intelligent than the less attractive ones.⁵ The Halo Effect also affects political elections. One study found that attractive political candidates received more than two and a half times as many votes as unattractive candidates.⁶

In various studies, attractive men and women, when compared to those who were considered to be less attractive, were judged to be happier, smarter, friendlier, and more likable. They were also considered to have better jobs, be better marital partners, and be able to get more dates. The Halo Effect causes us to see such people more positively, giving them increased persuasive power. Because of the way we view them, we want to be like them, and we hope for them to like us in return.⁷

Note: I am not talking about drop-dead gorgeous or incredibly handsome. Apparently, when your looks are perfect or well above the norm, it can have the opposite affect.

When we come into contact with someone of the opposite sex, the attractiveness concept is magnified. Attractive females can persuade men more easily than unattractive ones, and attractive males can persuade females more easily than unattractive males can. We see obvious examples of this all around us. At conventions and trade shows, large corporations fill their space with sexy and attractive females. They have been called booth babes. (Relax, there are also booth dudes.) In one study, men who saw a new car ad that included a seductive female model rated the car as faster, more appealing, more expensive looking, and better designed than did men who viewed the same ad without the model.⁸ Additionally, female students who are perceived to be more attractive by their professors often receive substantially higher grades than unattractive females. Store managers commonly assign an attractive female sales associate to the young man who walks in the door. Most store managers (although they won’t admit it) hire attractive salespeople to attract more customers.

Some people we meet have attractive personalities; some have ugly personalities. A study was done on how an attractive personality affects the ability to influence. Participants were asked to rate the attractiveness of a group of photographs with a full range of different-looking people. Some people in the photographs were given positive personality characteristics, and others were given negative characteristics. The positive traits were descriptors like extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, open, and stable. The pictures with positive descriptors (regardless of looks) were gauged to be more attractive than those without the positive traits.⁹

Another study proves the same point. Yearbook pictures were shown to both men and woman. The pictures then were assigned various negative and positive personality traits. Again, the photos with positive personality traits were rated as more attractive, and negative personality traits were less attractive. This occurred with pictures of both “attractive” and unattractive students. This happened for both men and woman, although the women tended to be a bit more sensitive to negative personality information than the men. It also influenced how the people were judged to be a dating partner.¹⁰

Our clothes can influence attractiveness. Researchers conducted a now famous experiment on how easy it would be to encourage people to ignore a “Don’t Walk” sign at a city intersection. When a well-dressed individual ignored the sign and walked into the street, 14 percent of the people who had been waiting for the light to change followed him. When the same person repeated the experiment the next day, now dressed in sloppy clothes, only 4 percent of the people followed him. A similar effect has been found in hiring situations. In one study, the good grooming of applicants in a simulated employment interview accounted for more favorable hiring decisions than did their job qualifications. This happened even though the interviewers claimed that appearance played only a minor role in their choices.¹¹

When I travel, how I am treated is directly related to how I am dressed. I can persuade the airline attendant to give me better seats, a better flight, or the help I need much more easily and faster when I am in a suit than when I am wearing casual attire. When I have on jeans and a T-shirt, I am viewed as less attractive, and, as a result, I get less cooperation.

Physical shape and accessories are also factors. Attractiveness lies in the simple things that many people overlook, such as being in good physical shape, watching your weight, paying attention to your accessories (i.e., jewelry, glasses, earrings, etc.), and having well-groomed hair. Keep track of hair and clothing styles. Styles can change dramatically, and, if you ignore fashion, your persuasive ability may be put in jeopardy. When in doubt, look to national newscasters as conservative role models for style.

Also, have you ever noticed that height often seems to have some bearing on one’s position? Even though it is not fair, taller people tend to get better jobs and have higher salaries.

Similarity: Similar Is Familiar

Similarity theory states that familiar objects are more liked than less familiar ones. The same holds true with people: We like people who are similar to us. The theory seems to hold true whether the commonality is in the area of opinions, personality traits, background, or lifestyle.

Studies show that we tend to like and are more connected to those who are like us and with whom we can relate. If you watch people at a party, you will see them instantly gravitate toward people who are similar or familiar to one another. Once, while walking in a foreign country and taking in the unfamiliar sights and sounds, I ran into someone from the United States. We could have been from opposites sides of the country with nothing in common, but we had an instantaneous bond because we had something in common in an unfamiliar place.

Similarity theory is true even in the judicial system. If jurors feel that they share some common ground with you and, better yet, like you—even subconsciously—for that similarity, then you will have a markedly better chance of winning your case. Anytime others can see something about ourselves that they will identify with, our persuasive powers increase. In one study, demonstrators were more inclined to sign petitions of those similarly dressed, and often they didn’t even bother to read the petition before signing!¹² Numerous studies conclude that an audience is most responsive to individuals who dress and act similarly to them.

Do you remember all the cliques in junior high, high school, or even college? People associate and interact with those they view as similar to themselves. Cliques are often based on such commonalities as gender, age, educational background, professional interests, hobbies, sports teams, and ethnic background. In one study, researchers examined the social networks of prison inmates.¹³ Their cliques were typically centered on commonalities of race, geographical origin, and the types of crime committed. One group of three men stood out to the researchers because they shared a tight companionship yet seemed to have no common backgrounds. Just as the study was coming to a close, the three men escaped together, demonstrating that we also build alliances based on common goals.

Researchers McCroskey, Richmond, and Daly say there are four parts to similarity: attitude, morality, background, and appearance.¹⁴ Of the four similarity factors, attitudes and morals are always the most important.¹⁵ Power Persuaders are always looking for similarities or common beliefs to form common foundations with their prospects. We want to be persuaded by those who are like us and with whom we can relate.

Real-world examples of this are found in advertisements. We want to see people we can identify with, and the advertising executives accommodate us. When we see a commercial, we think, “Hey, he’s just like me! He’s also broke!” Or, “That couple has a messy, cluttered house too.” We see ads showing the average Joe or Jill because they create that feeling of similarity.

Your audience will connect with you when they perceive the similarity. D. J. O’Keefe found two important points regarding similarity and persuasion. First, the similarity must be relevant to your subject or issue. Second, to allow you to persuade someone, the similarities must involve positive rather than negative qualities.¹⁶ The bottom line is that we are interpersonally connected to others when they possess similar values and beliefs.¹⁷

PEOPLE SKILLS: WINNING INSTANT ACCEPTANCE

Are you able to get along with different personalities? Are you sure? Getting along is a skill we need to work on everyday. It is one of the most overrated of all critical life skills; that is, most people say they have it, but they don’t. An interesting fact is that 90 percent of all people rate their people skills as above average.¹⁸

The ability to connect and work well with people tops the list for common skills and habits of highly successful people. Studies show that 91 percent of those surveyed assert that people skills are important in business.¹⁹ Studies also show that as much as 85 percent of your success in life depends on your people skills and on the ability to get others to like you. In fact, the Carnegie Institute of Technology found that only 15 percent of employment and management success is due to technical training or intelligence, whereas the other 85 percent is due to personality factors, that is, the ability to deal with people successfully. A Harvard University study also found that, for every person who lost a job for failure to do work, two people lost their jobs for failure to deal successfully with people.

In an era when technology is taking over our lives, it is tempting to think that personality and the ability to deal with people are no longer important qualities. On the contrary, we crave personal interaction now more than ever. Most people still want to get to know you and like you before the doors of persuasion and influence are unlocked. We prefer to say yes to the requests of people we know and like.

People skills are crucial because they have a huge impact on our success. First impressions are made within only four minutes of an initial interaction with a stranger,²⁰ so we don’t have time to not have good people skills. Whole books have been written on people skills; you can never stop developing yours.

RAPPORT: THE INSTANT CONNECTION

Rapport is the secret ingredient that makes us feel a harmonious link with someone else. It is equivalent to being on the same wavelength with the other person. Rapport is the key that makes mutual trust materialize.

Have you ever met a perfect stranger and just hit it off? Finding plenty to talk about, you felt as if you might have met before. The connection just felt right. You could talk about practically anything, and you lost track of time. You developed such a strong bond with that person that you knew what he or she was going to say. Everything just clicked between the two of you, and you felt a strong connection with this person. You felt your ideas were in sync, and you enjoyed your time with each other. This is rapport.

Mastering four skills will help you to develop rapport faster: humor, body language, touch and mirroring.

Humor

Humor can be a powerful tool in creating rapport. Humor makes the persuader seem friendly and accepting. Humor helps gain attention, helps you create rapport, and makes your message more memorable. It can relieve tension, enhance relationships, and motivate people. The appropriate use of humor increases trust among your audience.²¹

Humor can also distract your audience from negative arguments or grab their attention if they are not listening. Humor diverts attention away from the negative context of a message, thereby interfering with the ability of listeners to carefully scrutinize it or engage in counterarguments. If listeners are laughing at the jokes, they may pay less attention to the content of a message. Humor can soften up or disarm listeners. Humor connects you with your audience and increases their attention to your message.²²

Humor must be used cautiously, however. If used inappropriately, it can be offensive and may cause your audience to turn against you. Humor should be used only as a pleasant but moderate distraction. As a rule of thumb, if you are generally not good at telling jokes, don’t attempt to do so. If you try it, be sure that you have good material. Dull or ineffective humor is not only ineffective but irritating. Modify your humor so that it is appropriate for your audience.

Smile

Another aspect of humor is the smile. A smile is free, generates a great first impression, and shows happiness, acceptance, and confidence. Your smile shows that you are pleased to be where you are or happy to meet this person. As a result, they become more interested in meeting you. Smiling also conveys a feeling of acceptance, which allows your listener to place more trust in you. It has been shown that sales representatives who smiled during the sales process increased their success rate by 20 percent. However, as with traditional humor, use a smile appropriately.

Body Language: Attracts or Distracts

Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly reading others and being read by them. Even without uttering any words, the language of the body speaks volumes. Often, interpreting body language is a subconscious feeling. We may not consciously think through all the details of why someone has just folded his arms across his chest and narrowed his eyes at us. Yet somehow this body language registers subliminally and makes us feel uneasy. The subconscious instantly interprets these actions to indicate resistance, suspicion, or spite, even if we have not made a conscious study of the opposing person or her background.

Using body language to its fullest involves not only mastering your own use of outward gestures to create and maintain rapport, but also acquiring the ability to read the body language of others. When you can effectively read body language, you can identify the emotions and discomfort of others. You can see tension and disagreement. You can feel rejection and suspicion.

At the same time, your body language adds to or detracts from your message. In other words, your subconscious gestures and expressions can either help or hurt your ability to persuade others. You can create rapport by understanding and adopting the right body postures for your prospect.

Everything about you communicates something. The words you use, your facial expressions, what you do with your hands, your tone of voice, and your level of eye contact all determine whether people accept or reject you and your message.

Albert Mehrabian says we are perceived in three ways:

1. 55 percent: Visually (body language)

2. 38 percent: Vocally (tone of voice)

3. 7 percent: Verbally (spoken words)²³

Other research estimates that as much as 93 percent of your message’s impact depends on nonverbal elements.²⁴ This includes facial expressions, body movement, vocal cues, and proxemics (the study of spatial separation between individuals).

Studies also show the wrong gestures can create impressions that the speaker lacks confidence.²⁵ Nonverbal behaviors affect impressions of a speaker’s sociability and attractiveness.²⁶ There is a direct correlation between our ability to read body language and our relationships. In one study, college students were tested to see whether they could accurately identify the meanings behind certain facial expressions and tones of voice. The research consistently showed that the students who made the most errors in interpreting the meanings were those who had troubled relationships and/or heightened feelings of depression.²⁷

Eyes

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The eyes of men converse as much as their tongues.” The more common phrase we hear is, “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” Through our eyes, we can gauge the truthfulness, attitude, and feelings of a speaker. Not making the proper amount of eye contact can have devastating results. Our pupils are one of the most sensitive and complicated parts of our body. They react to light, but they also respond to our emotions, revealing a variety of feelings. Note the following example:

Pennzoil Oil took the Texaco Oil Company to court over Texaco’s allegedly interfering with a contract that Pennzoil already had with Getty Oil. Throughout the trial, Pennzoil’s counsel was accused of trying to sway the jury by encouraging their witnesses to make eye contact and to joke with the jurors. To show that they were serious and did not consider the circumstances a joking matter, Texaco’s counsel told witnesses not to joke at all and to avoid eye contact with the jurors. Unfortunately, the advice proved to be unwise and cost Texaco dearly in the end. Pennzoil was granted more than $2.5 billion in damages. Why? Afterward, jurors expressed distrust toward the witnesses who had avoided eye contact, even going so far as to call them “arrogant” and “indifferent.”

Making eye contact can also convey love or passion. In a number of studies on eye contact and attraction, researchers found that simply looking into one another’s eyes can create passionate feelings. In one particular case, two members of the opposite sex who were complete strangers were found to have amorous feelings toward each other after merely gazing into one another’s eyes.²⁸ In another study, beggars were interviewed about their tactics for getting donations. Several of the beggars stated that one of the very first things they tried to do was establish eye contact. They claimed that making eye contact made it harder for people to pretend they hadn’t seen them, to ignore them, or to just keep walking.²⁹ Other studies have shown that public speakers who make more eye contact, use pleasant facial expressions, and incorporate appropriate gestures into their speeches have more persuasive power than speakers who do not.³⁰

Touching to Influence and Persuade

Touch is another powerful part of body language, important enough to devote a whole section to it. Touch can be a very effective psychological technique. Subconsciously, most of us like to be touched; touching makes us feel appreciated and builds rapport. However, we need to be aware of and careful with a small percentage of the population who dislikes being touched in any way. In most instances, however, touch can help put people at ease and make them more receptive to you and your ideas. Touch increases influence. When you are able to touch your prospects, they usually become more agreeable; touching enhances their mood and increases the chances that they will agree and do what you are asking.

Touch can create a positive perception. It carries with it favorable interpretations of immediacy, similarity, relaxation, and informality.³¹ In one research study, librarians did one of two things to university students: Either they did not touch the person at all during the exchange, or they made light, physical contact by placing a hand over the student’s palm. Invariably, those students who were touched during the interaction rated the library service more favorably than those who were not touched at all.³² Waiters and waitresses who touched customers on the arm when asking whether everything was okay received larger tips and were evaluated more favorably than those who didn’t touch their customers. Touch also induces customers to spend more time shopping in stores. In one study, physical contact on the part of salespeople induced customers to buy more and to evaluate the store more favorably.³³

In another example, touch was found to increase the number of people who volunteered to score papers, sign petitions, and return money that had been left in a telephone booth. Syracuse professor Jacob Hornik discovered that lightly touching bookstore customers on the upper arm caused them to shop longer (22.11 minutes versus 13.56 minutes), to purchase more ($15.03 versus $12.23), and to evaluate the store more positively than customers who had not been touched. Hornik also found that supermarket customers who had been touched were more likely to taste and purchase food samples than nontouched customers.³⁴ Touch also made bus drivers more likely to give away a free ride when they were being touched while the potential rider was making the request.³⁵

We know that certain areas of the body can be freely touched while other areas are off-limits. Safe areas of contact include the shoulders, forearms and hands, and sometimes the upper back. This all depends on the situation, the culture, and the relationship between the two parties prior to the touch.

Handshake as a Form of Touch

Did you know many experts think the handshake originated in Medieval Europe? It was a way for knights to show they did not have any hidden weapons or intent to harm you.³⁶ The way we shake hands also tells people a lot about us. In business, it is customary to shake hands with someone when we first meet them or when we are sealing a deal. A handshake can make or break that first impression. It can help or hurt rapport. Your handshake communicates strength, weakness, indifference, or even warmth.³⁷ Weak or limp handshakes, on the other hand, portray just that: weakness, incompetence, or maybe even disinterest. Be sure your handshakes are always firm and appropriately energetic. A firm handshake demonstrates your persuasive ability and interpersonal skills.³⁸

What factors are you being judged on? Desirable handshakes have been described in the following way:

Firm shake

Complete grip

Good duration

Eye contact³⁹

Mirroring and Matching

John Grinder and Richard Bandler, founders of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), developed the concept of mirror and matching, that is, of aligning your movements and energy with those of your prospects. The goal is to mirror or reflect their actions, not to imitate them. If people think you are imitating them, they may feel as though you’re mocking them, and they may become offended. They will see you as phony and no longer trust you. Instead of directly imitating, just mirror or match the overall tone and demeanor of your prospect. You can safely mirror their language, posture, gestures, and mood. Mirror and matching is a natural human response.

Duke University found that it was an automatic and unconscious response to mimic or mirror others’ mannerisms.⁴⁰ In fact, they found mirroring mannerisms (touching the face, tapping a foot, etc.) helped negotiators have higher success rates. It was also reported that the person being mirrored showed higher levels of rapport and liking.⁴¹ The bottom line is that mirroring your prospect increases trust. It also increases the amount of information shared during a negotiation, produces better negotiation outcomes, and gets a bigger piece of the pie for the negotiator.⁴²

When you mirror your prospects, you build rapport with them. Because of your similar demeanors, your prospects will feel a subconscious connection with you. People are inclined to follow and be influenced by those they perceive as similar to themselves. If they shift in their posture, you should eventually do so too. If they cross their legs, you should cross your legs as well. If they smile, you smile too. When you do this, your prospects will subconsciously feel that you have much more in common with them than is actually the case.

We unconsciously mirror others without even realizing it. Mirroring is just a natural thing that we do. Have you ever noticed at social gatherings how people tend to match each other in their body language and their attitudes? For example, when two people greet each other, they typically tend to use the same posture and behave with the same demeanor. When you are a Power Persuader, you will use mirroring skillfully and conscientiously.

Mirroring Language

You will be amazed at the effectiveness of using vocabulary, or so-called lingo, that is similar to that of your prospect. Pick up on and use some of the words or phrases that your prospect uses. You may also find it helpful to mirror his or her rate of speech. If he speaks in a slower and more relaxed tone, you can do the same. If he speaks quickly, feel free to do the same.

Matching Voice

Matching voice is different from matching language in that it refers to the actual tone or inflection of your prospect’s voice. Be very careful, however, that you do not come across as mocking. The mirrored voice you use should never be so different or foreign from your own voice that you arouse suspicion. Just minor and subtle adjustments in tone are all that are necessary to get the desired results.

Matching Energy Level

Some people always seem to be relaxed and mellow, whereas others seem to be constantly active or vivacious. Seeking to mirror your prospect’s energy level is another subtle way you get in sync with your prospect. This technique is also effective when giving a group presentation: Match the overall energy level present in the room, or adopt the level of energy emanating from the group.

Breaking the Mirror

Certainly, you sometimes may not want to mirror someone. For example, a lawyer will often seek to create anxiety or uneasiness in a witness. To accomplish this, the lawyer needs to avoid mirroring. When the witness is slumped in the seat looking at the ground, the lawyer may hover or stand rigidly and look intensely at the witness’s face. Have you ever noticed or felt the uneasiness while someone stood in the middle of a conversation where everyone was seated? Breaking the mirror breaks the synchronization that makes everyone feel calm and comfortable. If you need to break the mirror, simply stop mirroring and sit, speak, or gesture differently from the person you’re dealing with. You can create even further distance by altering your demeanor abruptly or suddenly.

Most persuaders don’t know how to maintain their rapport throughout the persuasive process. People in sales break the ice, find similarities, build rapport for the first five minutes, and then launch into their presentation. All of a sudden, they get serious and change their demeanor. What is the prospect going to think? The salesperson has now changed. Which version is the real person? The salesperson and prospect were getting along, having fun. All of a sudden, without warning, the salesperson becomes serious and dives into a sales pitch. The discontinuity breaks rapport and seems incongruent to the prospect. You both know why you are there and what the ultimate goal will be, so continue to build on that rapport.

The Law of Connectivity will backfire if you are perceived as fake or incongruent. Connectivity takes time, research, and practice to master. You need to learn how to read your prospects and your customers. Learn how to determine whether your prospects are relaxed, nervous, confident, or indifferent.

CASE STUDY

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A large hospital conglomerate was concerned with profits, and one of the biggest anchors on increasing profits was lawsuits. Many of their best doctors were getting sued, and management did not know what to do. Even if the claim was not their fault, the doctors were named in the lawsuit. Why would people sue doctors who didn’t make a mistake? Why would their best, most conscientious doctors be the victim of so many lawsuits? Using the Law of Connectivity, what would you suggest?

The number one reason doctors are sued is that their patients did not like them. In medical care (and in any other business), profitability can be determined by how much people like you. The ability to adapt to every personality, understand emotions, and explain risks is critical not only to doctors but to everyone involved in persuasion. The conscientious analytical doctor may have done it by the book and without emotions—but never really connected in the bedside manner. This causes a disconnect and makes it easier for people to sue their doctors. The lawsuit problem was solved with people skill training and implementing connectivity.

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Additional Resources: Reading Nonverbals Report (maximuminfluence.com)