CHAPTER 3

Inner Monologue

Beth and I caught up as we meandered among the paintings and sculptures on display. She was telling me about leaving the multinational corporation where she’d worked for nearly a decade since we graduated. She wanted to start something entrepreneurial.

“Oh my God!” she interrupted herself, her eyes suddenly wide open, fixed on some people about 20 yards away. “Do you know who that is?” she asked.

“Who?” I asked, not clear whom she meant. I didn’t recognize anyone.

Pointing, she said, “That woman is the person I want to meet more than anyone else in the world,” now more like a teenager seeing a crush, not knowing what to do.

To see someone impressive there wasn’t surprising. We were at the VIP preopening of the Armory Show, New York City’s premier annual art fair, named for the 1913 Armory Show that introduced impressionism and cubism to the American public. The exhibitors are the most prestigious galleries around the world. They show their top pieces to collectors, curators, and art-world professionals before the show opens to the public on the weekend.

In attendance were celebrities, financiers, and other influential types. Valets parked Ferraris and Bentleys outside. Normally snobby gallery owners had to treat everyone graciously since anyone could be a buyer. Since everyone had status, everyone was approachable.

Beth’s background gave her reason to be confident. She had Ivy League degrees in business and law as well as the near decade of high-level corporate experience. Nonetheless, seeing this woman made her nervous.

Beth told me who the woman was—a major player in the venture capital and entrepreneurial world. She and her husband were both well-known investors. Beth had followed her for years while dreaming of the move toward entrepreneurship she was just telling me about, and here was her dream contact. Great! Except she didn’t know what to say.

Beth’s eyes fixed on the woman, as if she saw a celebrity. Then they darted around, apparently looking for clues about what to do from everyone else. The best option seemed to me to say hello, but Beth didn’t move. Actually, she did—in the opposite direction, behind me. Meanwhile, the woman didn’t know we existed.

Frankly, I also felt anxious from considering how this woman could help me too. I wanted Beth to approach her so I could meet her, too. “Why don’t you go up to her and introduce yourself?” I asked.

“I don’t know what to say,” Beth said. “Besides,” she added, “I can’t talk to her here.”

We both knew that was a red herring because the VIP context equalized everyone. Still, who hasn’t frozen in the face of an unexpected opportunity? I had, a few years earlier with the author after the panel.

“You can if you want to. You can say hi.”

“How can I just say that? I don’t know what to say.”

Had I asked, I expect she would have said that her mind was blank. Students, coaching clients, and friends report feeling blank when confronted with talking to people they considered having higher status. So did I until I learned to handle my thoughts better. Her mind was more likely the opposite of blank, probably saying things more like this:

Oh my God, that’s her! I’ve wanted to meet her for so long and now she’s actually here. . . . I can talk to her. . . . But what will I say? If things go well she could make me her protégé. I could work with her. My dreams will come true! This is my chance! Oh, but what if I say something wrong? Oh my God, what if I ruin it? If I mess things up she might think I’m weird or not worth working with. . . . I might lose my chance with her. She might never work with me. Maybe I should just wait. Yeah, that’s it. If I don’t approach her this time, I can think of this occasion as familiarizing myself with her. Then next time I’ll be better prepared. And I’ll tell her I saw her here so she’ll know me. But then I sound like a stalker. Maybe that’s worse. And Josh is telling me just to say hi. Like it’s that easy! Maybe it is that easy! Beth, don’t be such a baby. Just go talk to her! But what do I say? I can’t just say hi. . . . I mean, I can, but what would I say next? I’m such a loser. If I can’t just say hi to someone, how can I expect to succeed? Why don’t I just say hi? Beth, you can do this. No, better just to wait for next time. Yeah, next time will go great. But I’ve wanted to meet her for so long and now she’s actually here. . . . I can talk to her. . . . But what will I say?

Sound familiar? While only Beth knows her exact inner monologue, I’ve experienced enough similar situations in my life and with clients to guess that it was close. Many people laugh at reading or hearing aloud for the first time something they’ve always heard in their heads, no longer having to keep a vulnerability secret.

I offered to talk to the woman first and break the ice. Beth protested and then reluctantly agreed. Since I had similar anxious thoughts, I consciously chose to put another thought into my inner monologue that works for me in networking situations: “She seems interesting. I wonder what she’s like.” I walked over and introduced myself. She turned out to be pleasant and happy to talk. She even asked, “I know you from somewhere, don’t I?” I was sure that she didn’t, but it made the conversation friendly. I took that moment to introduce Beth.

Beth began telling the woman about being a fan and following her writing for years. They found a lot to talk about, got friendly fast, and took over the conversation.

Like me with the author on the panel, despite her top-tier MBA leadership classes, Beth knew what to do but not how to lead someone she didn’t know. When it counted, anxious self-talk drowned her ability to plan and act. Schools teach that self-awareness is important, if they teach about it at all, but don’t give you experience or skills managing or using it. Skills and experience don’t come from lecture or case study.

Our inner monologues run through our minds nonstop. You may notice it in your mind now, maybe thinking something like, “Really? Do I have words running in my head right now? Oh, that’s weird, I do. I’m thinking the words that I’m reading.”

Although our inner monologue filters, interprets, and gives meaning to our worlds—even when it dominates our minds to the point of paralysis, as it did with Beth—we rarely consciously notice it.

The Write Your Inner Monologue Exercise

Awareness of our inner monologue liberates us from it unconsciously controlling us and enables us to use it to improve our lives.

From Your Senses to Your Thoughts

This exercise shifts our attention from our senses to our inner monologue (people also call it self-talk, mental chatter, inner voice, voice of judgment, and so on). People tend not to notice theirs despite its presence nearly every waking moment, like fish not knowing they’re in water.

This exercise makes us aware of it. Future exercises will develop skills to use it, which we’ll see as critical in leading others and ourselves, but we’ll start with awareness.

Our inner monologue chatters incessantly, but we rarely pay attention to it. Many of us have never noticed it consciously. When we do, we can learn a lot. This exercise reveals more about it more effectively than any other technique I know. I learned it from one of my leadership professors, Srikumar Rao, and his book, Are You Ready To Succeed?.

You may notice some things about it already. It uses regular language, unlike some mental activity. One part of your mind thinks it while a different part observes it. It takes cues from your environment but can jump on its own from topic to topic. It often evaluates and judges.

Comparing your inner monologue with how you might answer “What are you thinking?” helps clarify it. A typical answer like “I’m thinking about what to eat” is what you’re thinking about rather than what you’re thinking. Your inner monologue is what you’re thinking at the word level. It goes more like this:

I’m hungry. . . . wonder what I’ll eat. Is it 12:30 yet? Oh no, it’s only noon, it’s too early to eat now . . . but I’m hungry. . . . Man, I’ve been eating too much lately . . . If I make it another half hour I’ll be good. I’m so bad at controlling my diet. . . . I’d better work out after work today . . . That’ll be good, I’ll work out . . . Then I can eat early. What time is it now . . . ?

Like breathing, you can consciously control it, but if you don’t, it will run on its own. Unlike breathing, your unchecked inner monologue may go all over the place with no prompting.

What to Do

1.Carry a notebook or paper and something to write with every day during the exercise. (You can use your phone, tablet, or computer if you’re more used to it.)

2.A few times each day, write the words of your inner monologue as best you can, a few lines each time. What you write will look like the examples in this chapter.

Each time you write will probably take about a minute. Do the exercise until you write a few dozen passages (more is fine), taking maybe an hour cumulatively. I recommend doing it at least for several days so that you record your thoughts in different situations—at work, at home, alone, with people, feeling different emotions, and so on—to see how your inner monologue changes with context.

Record your thoughs without judgment. You will likely find not judging hard, but the goal is to raise awareness, which judgment clouds. If you find your thoughts putting someone down, making yourself feel good or bad, distracting you, or anything else you like or don’t like, just write the words in your monologue. Later exercises will work on meaning.

What to Expect

You can’t write as fast as you think, so at first writing your thoughts will feel like drinking from a fire hose. Also, writing affects your thoughts, so you have to learn to capture a thought, remember it, and record it independently of what you’re thinking while writing.

Note that your mind is never blank. If you think it is, it’s likely saying something like,

I can’t think of what I’m thinking. My mind is blank. How do I write anything down? I don’t understand this exercise. How am I supposed to write what I’m thinking when I’m not thinking anything? This doesn’t make sense. . . .

Or, in another context where people often feel like their mind is blank:

I wish I knew what to say. I should just go up and talk to him. But I always say the wrong thing. If only I knew what to say. Now I waited too long. They’ll probably think I’m weird after not saying anything for so long. Just go say something. Nobody else is talking to him. God, I’m so pathetic.

Examples

You might write something like this if you wrote your inner monologue entering a social situation. (You don’t have to write this much each time.)

I’ve finally gotten here. I hope I’m not late. Wow, a lot of people here. I wish I were walking in with someone instead of by myself. Now maybe people think I don’t know anyone. I don’t want them thinking I don’t know anyone. Then I have to meet people from scratch. That’s so hard. And I have to cover the same old boring “so what do you do, where are you from, blah blah blah. . . .” Hey, is that Jim? If it’s Jim I can say hi to him right away and everyone will know I know him. . . . Darn, no, it looked like Jim, but it’s not. I should look for Mary. She’s hosting this so she’ll know a lot of people and can introduce me. I wonder who else is here. . . . Those guys over there look like they’re having fun. I wish I were with a group. Then I’d have fun, too, instead of being by myself and wishing I was having fun. Oh, no, that guy over there doesn’t have anyone to talk to either and he looks like he might approach me. I don’t want to talk to some guy by himself. What am I saying? I’m by myself. I’m not better than him. I’d better find some people to talk to quick so I’m not stuck by myself. Should I talk to them? I don’t want to seem too eager. . . .

Later you might write something like this:

This wine is good. I wish there were more food. I wonder how long I have to talk to Don here. He’s interesting but I don’t feel like talking to him any longer. But I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I don’t want to walk around on my own. Nor do I want to start conversations from scratch. Hey, who just walked in the room? She’s attractive. I like her dress. She looks good in it. I wish I could look so good myself. She probably had plastic surgery. . . . Was that mean? I wish I didn’t think such mean things. I wonder if I can talk to her? Oh wait, she came in with someone just behind her. Darn, she’s probably busy. I wonder who that guy is. Oh wait, someone else is coming in behind her. I wonder if I know them. I wish someone came in that I really liked so I could have a great time. Instead I have to talk to Don . . . and that woman who walked in is already talking to someone. I wish I were too. . . .

Post-Exercise

I hope you found Inner Monologue effective and that it showed you about how that part of your mind works as much as it did with me. If you didn’t already, look for trends in your inner monologue. Did you find yourself judgmental? Accepting? Negative? Positive? Thoughtful? Repetitive?

Personally, this exercise raised my awareness of how this part of my mind worked more than anything had before. I’ve meditated a fair amount. As much as I value the practice, I find Three Raisins and Inner Monologue, in maybe two hours of cumulative effort, teach as much that is useful for leading yourself and others as months of meditation. I’ve also done yoga for years. As accepted as meditation and yoga have become, almost nobody says, “Hey, Jim, let’s get together Saturday and meditate for an hour,” even in cultures that practice them more. I recommend meditation, but I recommend these two exercises first.

As for my results, I was surprised at the negativity and judgment, which I first considered a problem. Then I learned that everyone finds similar results, which told me I’m not negative and judgmental. Everyone is. The mind works that way. That realization liberated me from feeling guilty over my thoughts. It lowered my inhibitions to raise my self-awareness.

Knowing how my inner monologue works enables me to influence it, which influences how I see the world, how I react and behave, and how the world responds to me. It also helps me manage how I react emotionally, which increases my resilience, motivation, and other elements of personal leadership. The more I understand that others’ minds work similarly, the more I can understand and lead them, too. It also increases my empathy and compassion.

We will build on this exercise for the rest of the exercises in this book. If you didn’t get the chance to practice it as much as you liked, I recommend that you keep practicing as we continue.