CHAPTER 10

No, But, However

This chapter’s exercise is probably the simplest in the book to describe, especially compared to its effectiveness. Some find it insidiously difficult to do, but when it clicks, it becomes a helpful, supportive tool for your growth and effectiveness leading yourself and others.

The exercise is just this: Don’t begin responses to others with the three words no, but, or however. People rarely start with however, so it’s more like two words. I recommend doing it for at least a week.

No matter how much I point out the exercise is to avoid starting responses with the words, people misunderstand the exercise to be to stop using them completely. This misses the point of the exercise. It’s about relationships and communication, not being positive. The point is to avoid negating people and to see what changes.

Marshall Goldsmith created this exercise. He tells about how he fines his clients for each infraction, which he donates to charity. He describes some of his clients as “richer than God,” so the $100 he charges per infraction is negligible, but their competitiveness engages them. He gives them the instruction and they respond right away, “But I don’t . . .”

He says back, “That one was free, but the next one will cost you.”

“No, no, no. That’s not what I meant,” they say.

“Three hundred dollars,” he says back.

Last I heard, he’s given over $300,000 to charity from clients’ transgressions in this exercise.

In the face of a man named the number one leadership thinker in the world, with multiple number one bestsellers, who has made this exercise a major part of his career and whose clients love him, they’re more focused on telling him why they shouldn’t change than learning from him.

The No, But, However Exercise

Behave like a leader and others will respond to you like one. They respond to what you do and say, not what you intend, when your behavior differs from your intent, however unintentional the difference.

Negating people tends to provoke defensiveness and skepticism, the opposite of openness to your leadership. We commonly, however unintentionally and unconsciously, respond to people starting with the words no, but, and however. For example,

“It’s a nice day today.”

“But it’s supposed to get cold later.”

or

“I’m in the mood for Chinese food for dinner.”

“No, let’s get Thai.”

You may not think the words make that much difference or may not intend for them to, but you don’t get to choose how other people hear you.

What to Do

This exercise is simple to describe but difficult to practice.

Avoid starting responses to people with the words no, but, or however.

Use the words whenever else you want, just not to begin a response. After the exercise you can go back to starting responses with them, although I recommend you stick with the practice.

That’s all. For most people this exercise sounds simple at first but fast becomes challenging.

If at first you think the words don’t make much difference, you will likely think differently after you catch yourself a few times. It’s hard to catch yourself consistently, so it helps if you tell people you spend a lot of time with to help try to catch you. You can make a game of it.

I’ve seen many trends assigning this exercise to hundreds of students and clients. The biggest problem are the occasional students who do the exercise perfunctorily, like with 50 percent of their potential. They tend to be the people who begin responses with no, but, and however the most before the exercise. Ironically, they have the most to learn but squander the chance. These bulls-in-china-shops “kind of” notice their blundering, but not really. The extra attention it would force them to pay to others could revolutionize many of their relationships. The attention to detail builds integrity. For many, the exercise leads them to realize that they negate the people closest to them most, undermining their relationships with the people they care about most.

People’s most common explanation for half-assing the exercise is, “I don’t mean anything by it. I’m just saying the words by habit, but I’m really saying something different.” People don’t hear what you mean, though. They hear what you say.

Again, the simplicity of the exercise masks its effectiveness and depth in focusing on others and integrity in saying what you mean. The exercise is not about words or positivity but relationships.

What to Observe

While the instruction is to avoid beginning responses with the words, the challenge becomes to figure out what else to say. You end up listening and thinking differently.

Pay attention to

How your thoughts change when listening to others

What you say instead

How often you slip up

How other people respond differently, if you notice

You could respond to “It’s a nice day today” with “I also heard it’s supposed to get cold later,” for example, which doesn’t negate the other person.

Post-Exercise

I hope you learned something from this exercise. Some people find it harder than others. Some make a game of it. I learned a lot from it. I’ll share some of my observations for you to compare yours with.

My biggest revelation was realizing how much people negate each other—not just myself, but everyone. Some people start most of their responses with no, but, or however, some consistently with no, no, no, no. I found it incredible how they unconsciously and unknowingly create hostility and counterproductive negativity. Seeing people like that inspired me to master this skill and avoid leading people to resent me so much. Marshall’s wife told me he never transgresses. I haven’t hit zero, but I’m getting close.

Next was seeing how much of a difference single words made, sometimes overriding the rest of what was said. People who agree with each other get into arguments because of words they don’t know they’re saying.

Those were more passive realizations. I also noticed active changes.

The main one was that I had to pay attention more to what people said. Starting your response with no, but, or however gives you a blank slate, erasing their meaning. Easy for you, but dismissive to them, which undermines your ability to lead and influence them. Not allowing myself to negate them forced me to listen to make sure to respond to what they said, not just to what I thought they said or wanted them to say.

I also noticed myself choosing what to say more deliberately.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, the exercise showed me how details matter. If you lead well except for a few annoying habits, you don’t lead well. Attention to detail differentiates professionals from amateurs and artists from craftspeople. It builds integrity.