Working with Others

Unity in Diversity

 

How Does Mindfulness Help Us to Get Along with Others?

He gives what is dear, does what is hard, bears what is painful, admits his secrets, keeps others’, helps those in need, and never rejects the ruined.

—Anguttara Nikaya 7.35

THE PATH TO mindful work is definitely not the easier, softer way. The Buddha knows that in order to move beyond suffering and find happiness, we must give up many of the things that at first seem most natural for us. As humans, it is our inclination to look for the easy way to do things, to hold on to things we treasure, to avoid pain, to hide our secrets from others, to gossip about others’ secrets, and to avoid people who are of a lower status or those who have been ruined by some life circumstance. However, if we follow these inclinations, we will not cultivate good relationships with others at work. It really will be a “looking out for number one” kind of workplace, and everyone will be miserable.

If I want good relationships with my coworkers, I should follow the Buddha’s coaching as best I can: give to others even when I feel selfish; take on hard jobs that need doing; put up with difficult things without complaining; be honest, admit my mistakes, and ask for help; keep confidences that others share with me; help coworkers in need; and be loyal to friends who may be going through scandal or disgrace. If I want these things from others, then I must start by giving them first.

What Would the Buddha Say about the Golden Rule?

Philip asked Suzuki why the Japanese make their teacups so thin and delicate that they break easily. “It’s not that they’re too delicate, but that you don’t know how to handle them. You must adjust yourself to the environment, and not vice versa.”

—David Chadwick, To Shine One Corner of the World¹

THE BUDDHA UNDERSTOOD the ego and our tendency to use ourselves as the yardstick by which to evaluate and judge everything and everyone. Our ego is a handy yardstick, but an inaccurate one as well, because anything different is likely to seem defective.

The intention behind the golden rule is good: treating others the way we want to be treated generally makes for good relationships. But there’s a significant flaw in this thinking: it assumes that everyone is like you. Look even at your family and you see this is not the case. Human beings are surely as different as snowflakes. They may appear to be the same at first glance, but when we look closer, we discover striking differences.

The Buddha might suggest exchanging the golden rule for the triple gem. Treat others the way they want to be treated. Rather than criticizing the teacup for being “too fragile,” consider changing the way you hold the teacup. Instead of judging other people to be “different” (and therefore difficult), consider finding out more about them so that your relationship is truly mutual. In a global marketplace with a pluralistic workforce, flexibility and adaptability are not optional; they are fundamental practices.

In fact, there is a Buddhist version of the golden rule: “Do not harm others in ways in which you wish not to be harmed” (Udanavarga 5.18 [139]). What we want varies wildly, but what we want to avoid is much the same all over. So, be more modest in exporting your egoism, and adjust yourself to the environment.

Will Being Buddha at Work Enable Me to Influence Others?

He possesses wonderful eloquence for deep truths. He is extremely skilled in explaining positions and reconciling opposites. His eloquence is unstoppable; his sure intellect irresistible.

—Vimalakirtinirdesha Sutra 5

THINK OF SOMEONE you know at work who is very influential—someone whom others listen to and respect. What makes that person influential? Unless the person happens to be in the boss’s family, she’s influential for two reasons: competence and character.

We respect someone because she is competent, skillful in her work; she is talented, smart, and well trained, and she achieves results. We also respect her because she has good character: she is honest, compassionate, hardworking, responsible, and ethical; she takes initiative; and she is a good person.

To be influential, you must have both competence and character. You must know your own job and do it well; and you must be seen to have integrity—to consistently do well and do what you say. To tie it all together, if you can develop the ability to be consistently articulate, there will be absolutely no stopping you in your career! Your influence will be irresistible.

If you’re not as articulate as you’d like to be, perhaps now’s the time to sign up for Toastmasters (or in this case, perhaps Taoist-masters).

Is It Important to “Go the Extra Mile” for Others?

Giving is the highest expression of the goodwill of the powerful. Even dust, if given in naive ignorance, is a good gift. Because its effect is so great, no gift given in good faith to a worthy recipient is small.

—Jatakamala 3.23

THE BUDDHA TAUGHT, on a profound level, what we’ve all heard for years: “It’s the thought that counts.” Mind matters. A generous mind always finds something to give.

Smart bosses know that appreciation is what motivates people. The gift of a smile, or a few well-spoken words of praise in public, or a small token of recognition can go a long way to making folks feel cared for and acknowledged. More-substantial gifts can also be very effective when given in good faith. But be careful; small gifts and trinkets often backfire when they seem condescending, superficial, or manipulative. Gifts must be meaningful to the recipient if they are to be effective. Otherwise, employees see right through them and become cynical.

Smart employees know that they too have the power of giving. Doing a little something extra for the customer engenders loyalty and generates repeat and referral business. Doing something extra for a coworker is a way of investing in the interpersonal bank, so that when you need help, you have goodwill to draw on. Gifts of attention, concern, and interest are powerful ways to build relationships with one another, and going the extra mile builds trust, teamwork, and strong morale.

There are thousands of ways to do a little something extra for others:

Bring in flowers from your home garden and give them to someone.

Ask what you can do to help if a coworker seems stressed or frantic.

Give your boss an article that you think would interest him.

Throw in a little something extra when a customer makes a big purchase.

Throw in a little something extra when a customer has a problem.

Offer to stay late to help meet an important deadline.

Ask about coworkers’ families—show that you care about them as people.

Get involved in company-sponsored activities and programs, like Junior Achievement, United Way, blood drives, local Boys and Girls clubs, and so on.

Doing something extra is always good, not only for the other person but for you as well. These are esteem-able acts.

How Can We Mindfully Address the Double Standard That We Often Hold between Ourselves and Others?

Others’ faults and errors are so plain,
But our own are difficult to see.

—Dhammapada 252

HAVE YOU EVER noticed the double standard we use when we’re evaluating someone else’s behavior versus our own? Oh yeah, you’ve noticed it when others employ it! But here is why you don’t see it in yourself: we judge ourselves by our intentions, while we judge others by their behavior. Not fair! And the Buddha warns us against it, just as Jesus did (see Matthew 7:3). We “make mistakes”; others “commit errors.”

Think about it. This is why we’re so quick to judge other people’s faults and errors: it’s so easy to see them. We give them no credit at all for good intentions, because we cannot read their minds. But when it comes to our own behavior, we know we meant well and we reward ourselves for it. “That wasn’t my intention; I didn’t mean for that to happen.” We try to clothe our mistakes with purity of purpose, and we expect others to understand and forgive us.

Yet again, this arises from the delusion that people are separate from one another, when in actuality we are all connected and interrelated. If we ever reach the day when we get it that we’re not separate, this double standard will disappear. Until that day, the Buddha suggests we give others the benefit of the doubt. As you give yourself credit, give it to others.

Is It Okay to Have a “Work Spouse”?

Tanzan and Ekido were walking down a muddy road in the rain. As they came around a bend, they saw a lovely woman in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the mud.

“Come on,” said Tanzan, and carried her over.

Ekido did not speak until that night. When he couldn’t remain silent any longer, he asked, “We monks do not touch women, especially beautiful ones. It’s forbidden. Why did you carry her?”

Tanzan replied, “I set her down at the corner; are you still carrying her?”

—The Book of Sand and Stones, case 14

WHEN MEN AND WOMEN spend long hours working together, sometimes close friendships develop, as pairs of people find themselves united by common interests, similar duties and responsibilities, and even shared suffering in a competitive corporate climate or in dealing with the same difficult boss. It is understandable if these pairs develop a camaraderie that goes beyond the typical coworker status. But is it good?

The story gives us the answer: what matters is what’s happening inside your head. You can be Ekido and follow the rules and be filled with dukkha. But you can also be Tanzan, disregard the rules, and be free from dukkha. There is nothing inherently good or bad about touching a woman. There is nothing inherently good or bad about having a work spouse as well as a home spouse. The rightness of these actions depends on our intentions and interactions. If you’re able to have a special friendship with a coworker without its threatening or detracting from your love and commitment to your home spouse, no problem.

Does Being Mindful Make You a Better Listener?

The unlistening one grows like a bull.
His muscles swell, but not his brain or wisdom.

—Dhammapada 152

“GOD GAVE US two ears and only one mouth; we should use them in that proportion.” Many successful leaders repeat this, and their success testifies to the truth of the saying.

The single most underdeveloped and underutilized skill in organizations of all types and all sizes is the skill of listening. It is amazing how much you can learn, how smart you can become, simply by listening. The Buddha tells us that we don’t become wise by talking; we become wise by listening. Do you think the Buddha spent the years leading to his enlightenment talking or listening?

Listening individually, you learn from others. Listening in groups, when the whole group listens attentively, we learn even more. For example, in Native American–based council practices (where participants commit to always listening as others speak and thus cannot pre-think their own words), we learn about others, we learn about ourselves, and we learn who we are together as a group. Real listening frees you to learn in these new ways.

How Does a Buddha Receive Negative Feedback?

When I receive productive words, unsought,
That counsel me in useful, skillful ways,
I should gratefully accept them, always
Looking out to learn from everyone.

—Bodhicharyavatara 5.74

IF THERE IS one thing most of us hate, it is unsolicited advice or criticism. It hurts our feelings; we’re not prepared to hear it. We didn’t ask for anyone’s feedback, and we bristle with resentment. Rooted in this negative mind-set, anger bubbles up. All this makes it so hard to learn from unasked-for counsel.

The compassionate scholar and monk Shantideva here urges you to let go of your ego and recognize the value of listening to other people’s feedback, perhaps especially when you didn’t ask for it. If you give in to resentment, you learn from no one. If you are grateful, you learn from everyone. If you truly want to be wise, you will view everyone as your teacher. The most important lessons you need to learn may come from very unlikely sources. Listen carefully when someone gives you an admonition: it may be the Buddha talking to you.

The Trick to Training Coworkers

I shouldn’t show the road with just a finger,
But instead, using a respectful
Gesture, stretching out my proper arm,
I should indicate the path ahead.

—Bodhicharyavatara 5.94

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to keep in mind when training or teaching someone else is respect. Above all, you must respect the learner and honor the fact that she is where she is on her own career and spiritual path. If you would teach her, you must meet her where she is. Then you can invite her to travel further down the path by learning what you are offering to teach. Do not tell her what to do—rather, invite her to do what you are suggesting and embodying. When you project genuine energy in sharing your knowledge, your learners will want to learn with you.

Well, usually. Every learner has the power to agree or to refuse to learn. The teacher cannot control this. Both BJ and Franz have plenty of experience with noncooperative learners. When we’re wise, we recognize and honor our learners’ choices—even the choices to be late, to be rude, to not show up, and so on. If you want to help others travel the road of mindful work, invite them—don’t tell them. This path is sometimes hard. When you show, in your teaching, your own commitment to learning, you honor both the learner and the process. If the learner doesn’t respond, you have your own teaching job to do. Be impeccable and you’ll still find satisfaction in the work.

How Can We Give Negative Feedback in a Constructive Manner?

In criticizing, the teacher is hoping to teach. That’s all.

—Zen Teacher Bankei, Dialogues

BANKEI HAD TRAINED for years to cultivate his Buddha mind, and he was of course a teacher himself. He knew both how hard it is to change and how hard it is to help another to change. He knew that in this process there are times when criticism is necessary, and here he tells how to give it. His teaching is so simple, but so powerful.

When criticizing another, the teacher always hopes to teach. That’s it. The teacher never criticizes to make a point, to show off his wit, or to establish his own superiority. He criticizes only to teach. If you cannot maintain the mind of teaching when criticizing, you should not criticize.

When you get an impulse to criticize, ask yourself, “Am I about to teach something? Am I free of all motives other than teaching?” You could be teaching the person you are criticizing, or someone else who needs to learn, and you should always be teaching yourself, learning from your actions. But unless your answer is an honest and immediate “Yes, the critique is simply to teach,” hold your tongue.

Of course, this whole discussion implies that the person on the receiving end of your criticism is open and receptive to it. Do not overlook this. Do not assume that everyone is interested in learning from your insight and comments. Do not just assume the role of teacher with everyone you know, let alone the role of critic. This is especially true of your coworkers and bosses. If you are a supervisor or manager, it is your job to criticize your employees if that will help them improve. But with everyone else, it is a good idea to ask them first: “I have some observations that might help you. Would you like some feedback?” If they say yes, you can criticize them and help them learn. If they say no, forget it.

Does Being Buddha at Work Encourage Personal Accountability in Others?

Don’t look at others’ wrongs, done or undone.
See what you, yourself, have done or not.

—Dhammapada 50

ONE TEACHING THE Buddha constantly returned to was that we’re responsible for our own lives. In every situation, we can choose to play the role of victim and blame others, or we can own the problem and thereby take responsibility for the solution.

The Buddha is wise to emphasize how we’re powerless to change other people. In fact, we can change ourselves only with concentrated effort. It does no good to focus on others’ shortcomings and faults when we aren’t in a position to do anything about them. Let’s not be distracted; for most of us, there is plenty of work to be done in respect to ourselves.

Best to sweep our own side of the street and let others deal with theirs. Being personally accountable yourself is the best way to set an example and encourage others to follow suit. That’s what the Buddha did. He lived his life in full accountability, and eventually he was completely surrounded by others who wanted to live the same way.

If you live a life of personal accountability and others like the results you’re getting, they will emulate you and become personally accountable as well. You will influence others through a process of attraction and osmosis, not scolding and evangelizing.

How Can You Help Friends and Loved Ones to Deal with Unwanted Change?

Mindfulness must be engaged. Once there is seeing, there must be acting. Otherwise, what is the use of seeing?

We must be aware of the real problems of the world. Then, with mindfulness, we know what to do and what not to do to be of help.

—Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step²

UNDERSTANDING THE PROCESS of change is enormously helpful to people going through it. If we know that there are five predictable stages to our emotional/psychological response to change, we are better able to tolerate our pain—knowing that it won’t last forever.

When a significant change happens in our life, the first stage of our reaction process is shock that often segues into denial. “This can’t be happening,” we think to ourselves. Or “This couldn’t happen to me.”

As the shock wears off and we come out of denial, the next stage is anger, frustration, resentment. “How could they let this happen?” we complain to one another. “This isn’t fair!” we lament. “I hate this!” we tell anyone still willing to listen.

As we vent our rage and sense of betrayal, our turmoil runs its course and we enter the third stage of change—resignation. Here we at last hit emotional bottom. We feel spent, left with only a melancholy acceptance and perhaps depression. Resistance is futile; the bemoaned change is a fait accompli, and there’s just nothing we can do about it.

But the mind can’t stay still for long. We begin to move into the fourth stage of change: exploration and experimentation. “Well, maybe I’ll give that a try,” we think to ourselves. Or “I wonder if I could make this work.” Or perhaps, “Hmmm, this might not be as awful as I thought.” With our baby steps forward, we look up. We imagine light at the end of the tunnel. As our vision brightens, so do our visions.

We experiment with tentative steps into the new reality with which we are faced. It’s like walking out of Plato’s cave. Scary. We try a few things—some work, some don’t. But we keep going until we arrive at the final stage of change: revitalization. We adjust to what has happened and commit to a new future. Life—we realize, by the way—is good.

These five stages of change are the same for everyone, but each individual moves through them at his or her own pace. To help others through this process, we need to honor them as they progress through these predictable stages of change.

What can we do to help? We begin with compassion: we let ourselves feel their pain. This is fundamental. When another is in pain, we move first to soothe them. We witness and validate their feelings. Then we put our compassion in the context of wisdom. We tell them they are not crazy—their emotions are normal and right, and they can look forward to the process we described above.

On the basis of mindfulness, we know how to help. Through our own work, we are prepared to help others do their own. We can do much to help our coworkers, friends, and family with the process of change. We are all wounded healers, and in sharing our own journey through the pain of change, we can help others on their journey.