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BEYOND YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Comfort zone: that place where you feel unthreatened and in control. In selling, you are outside it much of the time—if you’re really good. An emotionally flat exchange with a prospect may project how stress-free you are, but that’s as engaging as a first date with no spark. A certain amount of emotion helps establish and strengthen a connection; it’s “good stress.”

In selling, you are always pursuing a particular outcome (the order, the commitment, the contract), but being successful means accepting an uncertain path to your goal. That is the fun in selling: responding artfully and effectively to whatever comes your way during the sales process.

Let’s start with the premise that you get a little amped when you’re selling. In terms of body language, that means you are deviating from your baseline behavior; that is, you are being affected by stress, even if it’s just a tiny amount. One of the results is that you unconsciously resort to a self-soothing movement. These movements range from the ordinary, like rubbing fingers together, to the strange and distracting, like wrapping a rubber band around a finger over and over again. (Yes, we’ve seen it.)

In this chapter, we begin by helping you identify your baseline and that of others. It’s just as important that you know when you are deviating from your baseline as it is that you know when your prospect or customer is exhibiting signs of stress. We will also help you recognize what movements or vocal glitches you—and others you encounter—adopt in response to stress.

Baselining

A baseline is the composite of the movements and vocal expressions when you’re in a relatively relaxed state. It is the way you act and speak in your comfort zone. Determining an individual’s baseline is the first vital skill of reading and using body language.

A baseline and the factors contributing to it might change depending on the setting. For example, your style of relaxed speech and behavior might be different at home and at work. As a corollary, the topics that trigger an emotional response in these two environments might be different. At work, if a direct report says, “I don’t want to do that,” you might feel a wave of stress coming on. But if your 4-year-old child says, “I don’t want to do that,” it’s just a sign of her budding independence.

Baselining is the skill set you rely on to pick up subtle variations in body language and tone of voice. Once you know what to look and listen for, you can detect changes that accompany stress of varying degrees. That ability gives you a high degree of control in your interaction with someone. It makes it possible for you to detect deception, mistrust, uncertainty, or any other emotion that could profoundly impact your interactions with someone.

There is no standard baseline for human beings any more than there is a standard hair or eye color. Sure, there may be significant similarities among people, but human beings can differ dramatically in how they behave when they are relatively relaxed. For example, we have probably all seen people who seem to go through life with their mouths open, that is, mouth-breathers. That’s normal for them, whereas many of us wouldn’t do that unless we were surprised or gasping for air. Similarly, some people have a tick or a quirky way of moving their hands. For other people, those would be signs of stress; for them, it’s business as usual.

The basic steps to establishing someone’s baseline are:

•   Take in the overall picture. What’s your impression of the person’s state? Calm, agitated, uncomfortable, or anything else on the spectrum of emotions? Mentally put a label on it.

•   If the person seems anything except calm and devoid of stress, this is not the moment to get a baseline. In Chapter 5, we cover ways to calm someone down (including yourself). In the meantime, here is a quick tip: Make an observation about something that’s likely to be a “feel good” aspect of your prospect’s life. If you notice that he has:

  A photo of a sailboat on his desk, ask, "Is that your boat?"

  Cufflinks that are little airplanes, ask, "Are you a pilot?"

  A suntan, remark, "Great tan. Vacation or golf?"

  A copy of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Shakespeare on the bookshelf, ask, “Are you a Shakespeare buff?”

These are “yes” or “no” questions, so it’s not as though you are asking the person to invest a lot of time in the answer. Even so, if the thing you noticed does represent an enjoyable part of the person’s life, he’ll probably give you at least a few sentences and will be more relaxed than before. Get started on determining the baseline.

•   When you’ve concluded your subject is relatively relaxed, listen and observe to determine normal behaviors.

  Listen for fillers—that is, sounds such as "uh" and "um" and/or words such as "like" and "so" used frequently. If you hear them often when the person is in a calm state, then those fillers are a normal part of the person's expression.

  Listen to vocal pitch. If a woman with a mid-range pitch suddenly sounds like Minnie Mouse, then you've detected a deviation from baseline.

  Listen to vocal quality. A raspy or strident voice seems quite natural for some people, but for others, it indicates tension held in the vocal chords.

  Observe movements. In a moment, we'll explore some basic categories of movement that will help you sort out and interpret what you're seeing. For a baseline, however, the important thing is to take note of what movements are customary for the person.

  Observe the energy behind the movements. The amount of oomph behind a movement can be a matter of style, culture, age, or health. When establishing a baseline for someone, consider what seems to be the normal energy range for the person. In some cultures, for example, it is common to be effusive and demonstrative. In others, just a raised voice is considered out of place.

We have found eye movement to be a useful indicator of state-of-mind with many people and recommend baselining for that specifically. Your objective is to note whether the person looks up left or right when remembering something; he probably looks in the opposite direction when imagining something. These unconscious eye movements are called “eye accessing cues” or “visual accessing cues” because the eyes move toward the part of the brain responsible for vision, that is, the visual cortex, which is located in the back of the brain.

A question such as “How do you get from this office building to mid-town?” is an obvious visual memory question, just as “What do you think the surface of Jupiter is like?” is an imagination question. In the context of a sales meeting, however, you could probably evoke the response you’re looking for by asking questions that focus on the task at hand. “How do you see your current system meeting your needs?” could get the person to move her eyes toward her memory side. “What’s your vision of an ideal solution to this problem?” is essentially an imagination question, although the person may have thought so long and hard about the ideal solution that she’s simply recalling the vision. You have your baseline on memory versus construct when you can identify the different directions, and you may need to ask several questions to get it. If you start you baselining with a “feel-good” subject such as those suggested previously, then you will almost certainly be able determine the recall side as your prospect describes his sail boat or how he landed at the Teterboro airport to escape a storm the previous weekend.

In sales, it’s just as important for you know the elements of your baseline as it is to determine those of your prospect or customer. Even though that might seem easy, many of us are not as self-aware as we might think, however, so it helps to get input from a trusted colleague or friend.

Someone who has been around you a lot would be able to notice that you behave differently when the owner of the company or a high-dollar client is around, for example. You might think nothing has changed, but you’ve deviated from your baseline because some level of stress entered your body when that person entered the room.

With that in mind, consider that there are two steps to ascertaining your own baseline:

•   Make a list of what you perceive to be behaviors and vocal traits you have when you’re relaxed.

•   Ask someone else to follow the steps outlined previously, including differentiating between recall and imagining, to determine your baseline.

If you think the person trying to help you is off the mark when it comes to observing and listening, find someone else to do it.

Some people project far too much to be objective in this exercise. That is, they assume that a gesture that means something particular to them means the same to other people. Projection undermines the ability to see past one’s own experiences and culture to determine what is “normal behavior.” To whatever extent possible, we need to see and hear others without filtering our perceptions about their body language through our assumptions.

Is the baby orangutan in the photo sucking his thumb the way a human baby sucks a pacifier, sucking food off his thumb, or sucking his thumb because he hurt it? Is he teething and rubbing his gums? You don’t know, because you do not have enough information. Whatever answer you give reflects projection—perhaps because you’ve seen a documentary about orangutans or maybe because he reminds you of your own child. Projection like this creeps into our observations of others so often that we don’t even realize how powerfully it impacts our conclusions about the meaning of other people’s actions. For purposes of clarity in this discussion, we will call projection that affects our perceptions incoming projection.

In the context of a body language discussion, projection has a companion meaning: conveying how you want another person to respond to you. We’ll call this outgoing projection. You send messages you want other people to see and react to. This meaning of projection is integral to our guidance on proactively using body language as a sales tool so it comes into the conversation throughout the rest of the book.

In the next section, we help you organize your thoughts about what you observed and heard in your efforts to determine someone else’s baseline.

Categories of Movement

Gregory Hartley (The Art of Body Talk) is a body language expert and the coauthor with Maryann of eight books on human behavior. He sorts most movements into four categories. We say “most” because some things people do fall outside of the primary categories; they show up because of culture, habit, health, or their relationship with another person. One example is a hand tremor associated with a neurological disease. Another might be a seated person absent-mindedly swinging a leg that doesn’t touch the ground. Another is mirroring behavior, which is associated with bonding with another person.

Hartley calls the main categories of movement the Big Four: illustrators, regulators, adaptors, and barriers.

Illustrators

Illustrators accentuate your message.

Examples include pointing an index finger when saying, “I mean it!” or shrugging shoulders when saying, “I don’t know.” Shifting your weight to signal impatience is an illustrator using the lower body.

When explaining the benefits of your services to a potential client, you might put both palms up to suggest “I’m giving you something.”

Perhaps your baseline involves illustrators that are conservative—that is, arms close to the body and no high energy moves. You’ve deviated from baseline when you respond to a tough customer by throwing your arms in the air.

Illustrators could be unintentional or intentional, but it’s helpful if you can spot the difference. In one case, they help you evaluate a person’s typical behaviors and spot deviations from baseline; in the other, they alert you to the fact that the person rehearsed his presentation to the point that you aren’t seeing a spontaneous or genuine response.

As people talk, they tend to automatically use their limbs to accent what they’re saying. There is no deliberate choice associated with every move. In addition, however, some people learn illustrators when they study how to improve their presentations. They have a specific meaning they want to convey and choose illustrators very carefully. For example, they might be coached that extending a hand with the palm upward is an invitation, so they deliberately put it into their repertoire. Fundamentally, there’s nothing wrong with that. Illustrators that are strong and fluid arouse a sense of belief in other people. Some people carry this to extremes, though, with their movements completely staged; that’s when they can lose their intended impact or even work against the presenter.

Regulators

Regulators relate to conversation control.

Examples include nodding your head when you want someone to continue talking or putting your finger on your lips when you want the person to stop talking. A blatant regulator is turning and walking away while someone is talking. You may say something like, “Just off to the restroom. Back in a flash!” but the message is loud and clear: “I don’t want to listen to any more of this at the moment.”

You might want to stop your sales presentation and ask if your prospect has any questions if you see her pursing her lips. Without even realizing it, she may be telling you she’s heard enough for now.

We don’t usually think of regulators as an element of a baseline, but it’s certainly possible that an individual would habitually do something that appears to be a regulator. For example, she may nod when another person is talking. That doesn’t necessarily tell you much—unless the nodding suddenly stops.

The postures and movements associated with engaged listening encourage the other person to keep talking. In contrast, when you clamp your lips while someone is talking, you are sending the signal that you don’t want to hear any more or you don’t want to hear more of the same. When you turn away slightly, it’s the same kind of indicator.

If you’re trying to make a deadline or get to an appointment, there is a huge temptation to send signals that encourage people to curtail their explanations, avoid repetition, and leave your office or your meeting when they are done saying what they have to say. Just keep in mind that any overuse of regulators to get someone to abbreviate a conversation can damage your communication with another person. If at all possible, try not to stomp on someone’s sentences. Listening is one of the most powerful tools you have to affect human behavior, so don’t cut your listening short prematurely.

Adaptors

Adaptors are responses to anxiety.

Examples include rubbing an index finger and thumb together, playing with an earring, or clicking a pen. You are releasing nervous energy and/or doing something that you find soothing. When you watch professional sports, look for the quirky movements that they do before needing to perform: the pitcher rubbing his leg, the tennis player twirling her racket, the golfer tugging on his glove. These are all adaptors.

Your customer has just asked you how soon you can deliver the new product and you know it won’t be for at least a month—and he needs it next week. You rub your neck before you give him the bad news.

Adaptors indicate stress is present so they are not part of a baseline. Some people have quirky moves that look like adaptors, but if someone habitually does something even when he’s relaxed, then it’s not an adaptor.

The use of adaptors is one of the clues of possible deception. Most people are not skilled at any level of deception, whether it’s omitting a fact, distorting a fact, or embellishing a fact. Engaging in deception, even if it’s minor, will probably cause some stress and that stress will leak out in the form of an adaptor.

On the positive side, you may see adaptors used by someone who finds you a little intimidating in a good way. You may be exceptionally intelligent, attractive, or well-dressed so the other person’s use of adaptors is not a negative anxiety response, but actually a sign that he or she thinks you’re pretty great.

Barriers

Barriers provide a shield from a perceived threat or are part of a power move to expand personal space.

Examples of shielding include turning away from someone or holding an object between you and a person you’re talking with. An example of using a barrier as power move is sitting behind your large mahogany desk to conduct a meeting with a direct report.

A potential major donor to your art museum has reluctantly granted a meeting with you. You show up at his office and he’s seated behind a large glass table, thereby establishing a lot of personal real estate and keeping you away.

A person’s baseline could include very closed in body language with arms typically held close the body and objects commonly held in front, effectively blocking close contact. Conversely, you may notice a person seems quite open, suggesting confidence and, perhaps, receptivity. These are unintentional movements that give you some insight into the comfort level of person when it comes to connecting through conversation and/or touch.

Barriers are potentially very useful. They can give you the distance and/or separation you require to feel comfortable, and they can also set you up as the person in charge. On the flip side, they can undermine your communication, intimidate people, and come across as downright rude. They can also make you look weak and afraid—as though you have to hide behind something in order to have a conversation.

Observing which seats people take in a conference room where there is no assigned seating can indicate the need for separation or the desire to establish importance. A prospect who selects a seat at the far end of the conference table is either trying to establish a long barrier to keep others away or to set himself up as the one who “owns” a lot of personal real estate, therefore, broadcast that he is the most important person in the room.

This example bridges into the concept of proxemics, which is complementary to barriers. It is the study of how much space we need in different situations—how proximity to another person or a group influences communication.

Let’s say you’re interacting with a customer with whom you have done business before and there is typically a high comfort level between you. You are pitching him on an upgrade to a product and notice that he seems to want to keep his distance. Maybe he even leaves the room briefly and when he returns, he sits in a chair that’s a little further from the one he was in before. That is a distinct message that he is pulling away, reluctant or even resistant to letting you into his personal space. Maybe he doesn’t believe the pitch. Maybe he wants to change vendors or products.

Now flip it. This is a customer you know well, have come to pitch him on an upgrade to a product, and he draws closer to you. Proximity conveys to you that he does not want or need distance from you or your message.

The concept of territoriality is also encompassed by this field of study. So even though you may be across the room from your customer, when you sit in his favorite conference room chair, you may get the same kind of response as if you leaned forward and invaded his personal space.

To recap:

Category	Definition
Illustrator	A movement that accentuates your message; could be any part of the body, but most often we think in terms of arm and hand movement.
Regulator	Something you do to control the conversation: curtail it, encourage it, speed it up, or slow it down.
Adaptor	A response to anxiety that puts nervous energy into a particular place and makes you feel better, such as a rubbing or petting gesture.
Barrier	A shield from a perceived threat, regardless of how minor, or a power move to expand personal real estate.

Commonalities in Movement

If determining baseline is the most fundamental skill in understanding and using body language, then the next level up is interpreting movements that humans have in common. We sort them into two categories: universal human movements and common cultural movements.

Universal Human Movements

As a species, we have very few movements and vocal expressions in common. One of them is universal facial expressions that capture the following eight emotions:

1. Fear.

2. Anger.

3. Surprise.

4. Disgust.

5. Sadness.

6. Contempt.

7. Happiness.

8. Pride.

We want to point out that none of the emotions is inherently bad; there is a time and place when all of them are appropriate. At the same time, the first six are often undesirable in the context of a sales encounter. As we explore in Chapter 3, seeing them on the face of a prospect or customer could signal trouble for you.

Psychologist Paul Ekman discovered that humans around the world use the same muscles when expressing these eight emotions with the face. He went through an exhaustive process interviewing people in different countries and different cultures; it was the foundation for a lifetime of extraordinary discovery regarding the expression of human emotion.¹

There are a few other involuntary facial expressions that express recognition of another person or idea, skepticism, and confusion. These are not emotions—not like the responses that Ekman studied—but rather cognitive processes that manifest in identifiable ways in the face. Just think how well you will be served by the ability to recognize these actions and expressions in a sales setting!

When he served as a wartime military interrogator, Greg Hartley saw that prisoners who denied knowing each other when in separate rooms would display a momentary eyebrow flash when brought together. It’s just a quick raise of the brows rather than the kind of prolonged brow lift you would see when someone is surprised. He observed time and again that this eyebrow flash was a sure sign that the prisoners recognized each other. The same kind of facial movement would occur when you see someone walking toward you on the street, for example, and you think it might be someone you know. If you hear a concept that rings true for you, you are likely to do it as well. When you detect this sign of affirmation during a sales encounter, it can serve you well; you’ve hit a chord.

The lack of it can signal an opposite response. That is, you throw out a concept you think the other person should respond to with familiarity and get nothing—a blank look. That would mean it’s time to reconsider how well the person is relating to your presentation, product, or service. Maybe your set-up is lacking.

“Request for approval” (an expression called “outer brow raiser” in Ekman nomenclature) is another Hartley concept that is easy to confirm. Watch politicians at press conferences: They hear a question that pushes them a little off balance. They give an answer they hope is on target for the audience. Hope that the answer is on target—as opposed to certainty that it is on target—affects the person’s facial expression. The facial muscles arch the brows, and the mouth may look a bit drawn or there may be a tight-lipped smile. It is the look of someone expressing “You believe me, don’t you?”

Your request-for-approval expression would generally be involuntary. If your prospect or customer sees it in the context of a sales encounter, even without familiarity of the concept, that individual would detect uncertainty. On some level, she would pick up your hope that you hit the right note as opposed to the certainty that you did. As an aside, it is possible to use this expression as a trigger to get your prospect to ask questions or contribute to the discussion.

Another couple of movements we could call universal are eye movements associated with cognitive thought and problem-solving, which are functions that occur in the frontal lobe. When you are analyzing or calculating, you might move your eyes down and to left. In fact, you may even move your whole head in that direction. Movement of eyes or the head down and to the right suggests intense feelings. If you watch the heads of people at funeral or other event where strong emotions are affecting people, you will see this occurring.

Commonality in Culture

Any group that shares beliefs and customs could be described as having its own culture—a gang, a religious organization, a nation, a family. Cultural norms often can be categorized in terms of the Big Four and the energy associated with them. Think of the stereotypical representation of a Latin or Italian man or woman “talking with the hands,” or the conservative illustrators that once exemplified the movements of people from many Asian cultures. Gestures common to a culture, however, can also include movements that have nothing to do with the Big Four. They help differentiate the people in one culture from members of another, with some examples being those associated with people who share a religion or are part of the same street gang.

In the United States, people commonly associate crossing arms with uncertainty and the need for distance; it is seen as a barrier, whether it meant to be or not.

Knit brows, such as those captured in the image on this page, tend to signal confusion or uncertainty. This is also a part of the world where sustained eye contact evokes the perception of honesty and confidence, whereas some other cultures consider it rude. Use of the middle finger has a specific insulting meaning throughout the United States, but it translates well in multiple languages and cultures. And although people in the United States see thumbs up as an affirmative gesture, it’s considered extremely foul in many other cultures.

It is always important to consider the culture of the people in baselining as well as interpreting the meaning of a person’s movements. With an ever-increasing need to establish sales relationships with people from around the world, it’s vital to have sensitivity to the impact of culture on body language.

Learning to Read

Although body type, culture, and context will affect movements people choose to convey certain meanings, it is possible to make some generalities about what constitutes open or closed body language.

Open body language is actions and facial expressions that are invitational; they show a desire to connect and suggest that trust is present. The body language of happiness and many other positive mental states and emotions will contain movements suggesting openness.

Closed body language projects the desire to shield and separate; it neither inspires trust nor suggests receptivity to building it. The body language of disgust, contempt, or other negative mental states and emotions will contain closed movements.

In baselining someone, if the individual really is in a relatively relaxed state, you’re more likely to see openness. However, some people create comfort through barriers and habitual movements that look like adaptors. In other words, you might see a little of each style in a person’s baseline.

Examples of open body language are:

•   A smile with the eyes engaged. That means you’ll see some wrinkles around the eyes unless the person suffers from a neurological disorder or has had Botox injections to temporarily paralyze certain facial muscles so that wrinkles don’t appear.

•   Illustrators that include open palms and arms comfortably away from the body rather than shielding it.

•   Regulators such as head nods and attentive eye contact that encourage continued conversation.

•   Minimal or no reliance on adaptors; a sense of calm in conversation.

•   Minimal or no barriers. There is a good comfort level with the other person, a sense of easy interaction that makes barriers unnecessary.

Examples of closed body language are the opposite:

•   A fake smile. Only the mouth and muscles around it are moving.

•   Illustrators that might include clenched hands or hands that suggest pushing the other person away. Arm movements could be either close to the body—and here, we are bridging over to what might also be a barrier—or aggressive. Flailing or whipping movements can be ways of repelling another person. Legs can also be part of closed body language. Some people will cross their legs because it feels like a protective position; others do it out of habit or comfort.

•   Regulators such as head shakes and avoidance of eye contact discourage continued conversation.

•   Use of adaptors because some degree of nervousness is present gives a sense that a trusting connection is absent, at least at the moment.

•   The need for barriers—increasing the size of one’s personal real estate and reinforcing shielding from another person—typifies closed body language.

Vocal Characteristics

Listening and watching for changes in vocal expression is one way of determining how relaxed or strained a person is. Vocalics is an area of non-verbal communication studies because it’s about how something is said rather than what is being said. There are three facets of vocalics that often indicate emotion and always tell you something about how to interpret what’s being said to you: vocal qualities, emphasis, and use of fillers.

Vocal Qualities

Pitch, tone, pace, volume, hoarseness, stridency, and nasality are among the characteristics of a voice. In some cases, they can change from moment to moment, reflecting a deviation from the speaker’s baseline.

Pitch

Pitch helps convey the intensity of the communication, express a question, or convey uncertainty or even deception. A woman’s who’s just been crowned Miss Universe will likely say, “Thank you! Thank you!” in a high-pitched voice. And typically, a person’s voice will rise at the end of a question (although there are cultures where the opposite is true), so “How long does it take to get from here to Nashville?” would have the pitch rise on the word “Nashville.”

Regarding the expression of uncertainty or untruth, there is often a rise in pitch suggesting that the next thing you should do is agree with him. For example, at the end of a sales presentation before the “ask,” a sales rep might say, “The product is much more reliable than what you are currently using” with the pitch rising on the word “using.” If this is accompanied by the request-for-approval facial expression, then the change in pitch is an important nonverbal signal. It is working in tandem with a facial movement that involves slightly raised eyebrows to suggest “You believe me, don’t you?” or “I have a concern that you don’t believe me.”

Tone

Tone is a characteristic of voice that goes a long way toward conveying meaning. Much of what we learned about tone, we may have learned from our parents when we were small children. Mom asks the child to do something he has no interest in doing and the child says, “Yes, Mommy” in a way that provokes “Don’t you use that tone of voice with me, young man!”

Tone and pitch work in tandem to convey sarcasm, to clue you in that someone is telling a joke, to leak repressed anger, and much more. They lend nuance to speech to help clarify a message and the intent of the message.

Pace

Pace is the speaking rate someone has adopted in a particular conversation. A sudden change is a deviation from baseline in the context of that conversation and it indicates stress. On a business call earlier this year, Jim detected that the person he was speaking with had quickened the pace of his speech. He looked at the time and realized that it was about three minutes before eleven o’clock. Even though there was no established time to end the call and they still had ground to cover, Jim said, “Do you have another appointment at 11?” The client said yes and expressed surprise at the perceptive question.

A person who is not being completely honest might either speed up or slow down. Speeding up is one way someone who is trying to deceive you can prevent you from interrupting him with a question or challenge. And if the person suddenly changes the pace by enunciating every word, in contrast to fluid speech that preceded the shift, you have reason to question the veracity of the statement.

Volume

Volume is another vocal quality that conveys intensity. An ardent denial of an accusation would probably be said more loudly than other parts of the conversation. Of course, some people might drop to a whisper in expressing a denial as if they are embarrassed at their attempt at a cover-up. Neither change would automatically suggest that the person is being deceitful, though. You would need to analyze the person’s movements to see if they reinforce your suspicions, as well as to ask questions that get the person to revisit the information or retell the story. Questioning techniques to accomplish this are covered in Chapter 4.

Stridency/Hoarseness

Qualities such as stridency or hoarseness suggest stress only when they are not normal for the person. When the vocal chords tighten up and/or the throat becomes dry, the voice takes on a different sound. It can get very raspy, but for some people, that coarseness is part of their baseline. Look for other signs of stress, like an increase in blink rate. If the throat is drying out due to a mild fight-or-flight response, then the eyes are drying out, too, and the person will automatically blink more often. You might also see the person’s body get more rigid if the vocal chords are tightening.

When you consider how much meaning and emotion can be conveyed by pitch, tone, pace, volume, and stridency, it’s easy to see why people often rely on emojis and emoticons in texts and emails. A purist would probably argue that selecting the right words would avert any misunderstanding about attitude or intent, but we all know how flawed an assumption that is. You might text a colleague after a meeting, “The sales call lasted three hours!” Maybe to her, a long meeting is her worst nightmare, but what you mean to suggest is that you and prospect hit it off so well that the meeting ended up being long. Putting a “thumbs up” after the text is a decent substitute for a shift in vocal quality that suggests excitement. (Some people would probably benefit by inserting emojis into their face-to-face conversations, too.)

Emphasis

Emphasis can be expressed in multiple ways. One syllable or word may have more volume behind it, or there may be a noticeable change in pitch from one word to the next. Another way to emphasize would be to “isolate” a word by pausing before and after it, as in, “How...dare...you accuse me of showing the report to her?” You could also stretch out a word or sound: “Nooooo, that is not a problem we have ever had with this software.” A really annoying use of emphasis is simply repeating words or even whole statements over and over again.

Deliberate use of emphasis is a vocal illustrator when you are accentuating your message by using it—and you probably will reinforce the emphasis through your body language. You are spotlighting your intent to gain the full attention of your listener on the message you are currently conveying.

There is an opposite reason to use emphasis, however, and that is to obscure a point. Emphasizing one word over the others around it puts attention on one part of the sentence over the others: “After reading the report, I had a huge sense of relief despite the fact that the company made less money than we’d hoped for in that quarter.”

Emphasizing certain syllables or words can alter the entire meaning of a sentence as well.

Let’s play around with this Howard Hughes (Leonardo DiCaprio) line from the movie The Aviator:

Don’t tell me it can’t be done!	You are warned not to saying anything.
Don’t tell me it can’t be done!	You could write it down, maybe.
Don’t tell me it can’t be done!	Go ahead and tell someone else; just don’t say it to me.
Don’t tell me it can’t be done!	You can tell me other things can’t be done, but not “it.”
Don’t tell me it can’t be done!	Just tell me it can be done.

A final reason to use emphasis is to show how excited you are. In that case, you might hit hard on every word in a sentence, just to exhibit your passion for the message. Even a body-language rookie would spot that as a major deviation from baseline. This would also be an annoying way to communicate passion.

Use of Fillers

Typical fillers in English are “um,” “uh,” “well,” “like,” and “you know,” but it’s important to note that fillers are not a distinctly English language phenomenon. You will find them creeping into conversation in many languages. American Sign Language even contains gestures for fillers. Use of fillers is part of the baseline for some people. A lot of young people use the word like constantly. It’s an annoying generational thing that has become ubiquitous.

Many of us who are trained to avoid fillers may succeed in not using ums and ahs, but we still find ourselves using a silent filler, otherwise known as a pause. The main thing to note is that, if it’s not part of the person’s baseline, then it may be time to probe into why there is hesitation in a response.

Appearance and Props

Your first look at a prospect can give you insights about your conversation might go. If you see precision in the way the person dresses, then the person is likely to value a high degree of control and predictability in his life. If you have the opportunity to meet in the person’s office and it, too, reflects precision and organization, you have confirmation that a certain amount of rigidity is comfortable for the individual. These features are all part of the individual’s baseline behavior. Someone like that might be expressing strong emotion by crumpling a piece of paper and leaving it on the conference table, whereas that action might have very little meaning for someone who has a casual, disorganized office.

You also convey important information about yourself in your appearance, including your choice of clothing, your posture, and the props you carry. Every time you get dressed for a sales meeting, ask yourself what qualities you want to project. Precision and discipline? Creativity and enthusiasm? Alertness and authority? Your appearance needs to reinforce what you are doing with your body and voice to connect with a client, build rapport, and establish trust.

Summary Points

•   Determining an individual’s baseline is the fundamental skill of reading and using body language.

•   Make sure you know the characteristics of your own baseline as well as that of your prospects and customers.

•   Incoming projection is a filter created by one’s own experiences and culture; it undermines your ability to read someone’s body language.

•   In the context of this body language discussion, projection has a companion meaning: conveying how you want another person to respond to you. We call it outgoing projection.

•   Four important categories of movement are illustrators, regulators, barriers, and adaptors.

•   Human beings have a few commonalities in movement, particularly the facial expressions for fear, anger, happiness, surprise, disgust, sadness, contempt, and pride.

•   It is possible to make some generalities about body language that is considered “open” (invitational) and “closed” (shielding).

•   Certain vocal characteristics are part of non-verbal communication because they are more about how something is said rather than what is said.

•   Appearance and props are part of a person’s body language, giving clues about an individual’s behavior.