I once had a boss who was a great connection, on paper — female, successful, results oriented, a great supporter of me and my work. Over time, however, as my success and network of influence grew, her behaviour changed.

Once productive meetings became discussions of negative details; my big ideas, which had once been embraced enthusiastically, were shut down; my personal ambitions were devalued and marginalised. I was clearly and continuously put back in my box. A woman who had once inspired me now began to limit me.

A strategic network is not just about having 12 key people; it's about having the right 12 people.

In chapters 5 and 6 you learn to identify your Nexus, which comprises a Core Four among 12 key people. These are the individuals who will positively influence your future, the people who will work collectively to stretch you and push you further than you could ever go alone. These are the right people to have in your network.

Think of your network as your baby. You need to love it, protect it, nurture it, and provide constant care and attention. Parents are always on top of who their children associate with; we absolutely don't want them to get in with the wrong crowd. We need to think of our network in the same way.

With the good comes the bad.

It might seem unlikely that you would associate with someone who doesn't support you or your work, but often their negative impact won't be immediately evident. It is only with time and experience that you begin to recognise the subtle interventions that keep you small, or behaviours that are incongruous with the lifestyle you actually want to lead or the person you want to become.

This may not be easy, but it's up to you to make sure you don't have any negative influences affecting you and your decisions.

I've said that every 12 months I review my network of 12 to make sure I am surrounding myself with people who are going to help me achieve my dreams. At the same time, I am continuously moving on from any negative influences, because I want to surround myself with people who want to grow and live a positive life.

As multimillionaire businessman and philanthropist Tony Robbins puts it, ‘Who you spend time with is who you become. Change your life by consciously choosing to surround yourself with people with higher standards!'

KNOWING WHO TO CUT FROM YOUR NETWORK IS
AS IMPORTANT AS KNOWING WHO TO KEEP.

Many of us stay stuck in the comfort zone of connecting with the same people all the time, or staying connected with people just because we've known them ‘forever'. Many of us tolerate personal and professional connections who drain us of energy, inspiration and momentum.

But now you have the opportunity to question who these negative characters are!

Someone wise once said, ‘People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.' And that's exactly what we're going to figure out now.

Success is not selfish

Thinking about who to cut from your network may very well make you feel uncomfortable or even downright self-centred. The idea of putting yourself first (not second, third or even at the bottom of the list), and being strategic about who you choose to ride alongside you on your personal journey to success can make us feel, well, icky.

But remember this: Your network is for your growth — not your mum's, your boss's or your neighbour's. Your 12 essential people and personalities, whom you identified in the previous chapter, are there to help you become more. This is all about your success and personal achievement, no-one else's. If you want to have any kind of success — and happiness — in life, you need to surround yourself with the right crew.

SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO,
CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY, WORK
AGAINST YOUR GROWTH AND ACHIEVEMENT
IS CRAZY!

Look closely at your network again, and ask yourself if any of the people in it:

• drag you down
• make you doubt your abilities
• never seem to have ideas of their own, but always say yes to yours
• always see the negative in every situation
• put you on the defensive
• make you hesitate about your decisions and what you want to do
• talk about themselves all the time and show little interest in you
• take your ideas and comments for their own?

It's time to own you, to own your dreams, goals and ambitions. It's time to own not just what it is you want to become but also who you want to be. It's time to own your today and your tomorrow — personally and professionally.

I'm not asking you to cull your Facebook friends or to tell your aunty why you can never see her again. And I'm not recommending you tell whoever it is ‘You're fired from my network!' This is about figuring out who you want in your inner circle and who is not supporting you or your journey, but you don't have to literally tell them!

Once you identify the negative people in your life who limit your progress, then you have the choice as to how much time, if any, you give them. You can put up boundaries, manage your time and manage their impact on your energy. Only then can you really start to shine and accelerate your success. The 12 key people in your network are a collective power, as we discussed in chapter 3.

Deepak Chopra puts it like this: ‘Negative people deplete your energy. Surround yourself with love and nourishment and do not allow the creation of negativity in your environment.'

Who is working against you?

The purpose of building a strategic network of 12 is that it works for you and not against you. Lurking in the background, however, are 12 characters — or Shadow Archetypes — who will limit your potential and obstruct your goals and success (figure 7.1, overleaf):

Burners — want you to become less

1. 1. Saboteur
2. 2. Back-stabber
3. 3. Dream Stealer

Underminers — want you to care less

1. 4. Traitor
2. 5. Narcissist
3. 6. Energy Vampire

Judgers — want you to know less

1. 7. Sceptic
2. 8. Labeller
3. 9. Villain

Fighters — want you to do less

1. 10. Bully
2. 11. Liar
3. 12. Critic

Let's look at each closely now.

BURNERS

As hard as it may be to accept, there are people out there who don't really want you to succeed. They may just want you to stay exactly who you are, as you are. These Burners are usually scaremongers who are frightened that you will leave them behind or achieve more. They'd rather you stuck with the status quo and didn't become ‘too big for your boots'. Sometimes there's a strategy behind this (maybe they see you as competition); at other times they may not even realise they are sabotaging your success.

1. Saboteur

The Saboteur sets out to destroy or damage your success deliberately and usually for personal gain. Sometimes they may even take your idea and run with it. They enjoy asking lots of questions, spending one-on-one time with you so they can pick your brain, and likely use that knowledge for their own end game.

WHILE IMITATION IS SAID TO BE THE SINCEREST
FORM OF FLATTERY, MANY OF US FIND THIS A
BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW.

Perhaps you've had an idea, made a suggestion in a meeting or among friends, even developed a new product or service offering, and then found your Saboteur spruiking it as though it was their own.

When you are determining the direction of your career or business, working hard every day and innovating tirelessly to bring new ideas to fruition, watching someone piggyback on your work and talent can be devastating. That's if you allow it to be.

2. Back-stabber

The Back-stabber is someone you usually think of as a friend — until they stab you in the back.

The Sydney Morning Herald (24 September 2014) cited a LinkedIn poll in which more than 50 per cent of under-24s admitted they would happily betray a workmate to get ahead. In the same article, a senior psychologist at VOICE Psychologists and Allied Professionals in Brisbane reported hearing of:

a health professional being berated by a supervisor for the poor quality of her reports, who later found out that the same supervisor was later putting her own name to those reports and passing them up the line as if they were hers.

It happens; I've witnessed it many times over the past few years. Colleagues and clients have shared their disappointment, hurt and frustration after someone copied their jewellery designs or marketing idea or even blog posts that were sold to a media outlet as their own.

3. Dream Stealer

A Dream Stealer sucks up all your positivity, inspiration and self-belief. They are usually spotted hanging out around the water cooler or lurking in the office kitchen. They can be friends, colleagues, even family members, who genuinely seem to want to protect you. You may think they have your best interests at heart, but subtly they'll fill your mind with doubts about your dreams and ambitions.

They rarely add constructive ideas to your vision, likely because they don't — and don't want to — understand the journey you are on. Instead of providing support and encouragement, their commentary feeds your inner critic with negative self-talk to persuade you that what you're doing won't work.

UNDERMINERS

Remember back to your school days and that one friend who seemed absolutely wonderful but was actually undermining you behind your back? Unfortunately, this adolescent mindset is prevalent in the grown-up world too.

Underminers zap your positive energy and make you feel like you constantly have to defend yourself or justify your behaviour. They don't support your career or personal goals because they are too focused on themselves and where they fit into the picture. The only place for an Underminer is in the playground.

4. Traitor

Know someone who says one thing but does something else — usually something that comes at a cost to you?

In today's world, collaborative thinking is the key to success, but some people — the Traitor, for example — still don't get it and view the world only as a competition. ‘This is my dance space — and if you step on my toes, I will step back. Harder.'

Maybe you have shared secrets or ideas with them, and they have then revealed those to someone else. Or perhaps one minute they appear to be your fiercest and most loyal supporter, backing you all the way, and the next they are doing and saying the complete opposite. Disloyalty like this undermines your self-esteem and confidence. Put bluntly, it's two-faced.

5. Narcissist

The Narcissist is interested in one thing only: maintaining their own power. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, take more than they give and believe they have the solution to everything. They do not like to be challenged on this. They lack empathy, guilt or remorse.

These narcissistic tendencies undermine you and erode your confidence. Your conversations likely end up as debates or arguments. Everything they say or do centres on what they want and need, boosts their own ego and implies others are inferior.

In an interview for the Australian Women's Weekly (30 September 2016), Julie Hart, head psychologist and director at The Hart Centre, observes, ‘There's a huge level of degrees from one extreme to the other but I would say, probably, up to about 15 per cent of the population have some degree of narcissism in them.' Eek!

6. Energy Vampire

The Energy Vampire, aka Negative Neville or Debbie Downer, has nothing positive to say, ever. They constantly blame others and make excuses for their situation instead of taking ownership of their own behaviours and actions.

In their report ‘Managing Yourself: A smarter way to network' (HBR, July 2011), Rob Cross and Robert J. Thomas suggest that energy-zapping interactions have seven times more impact on you than energising ones, and that 90 per cent of anxiety at work is created by just 5 per cent of a person's network. In your network of 12, that is usually down to your Energy Vampire!

Spending time with this person zaps your purpose and passion, drains you of momentum and leaves you feeling down in the dumps and grey with the world. And if you're achieving while they are not? They have an excuse for that too: ‘Well, you've got the time / the contacts / the thousands of followers / the money / the pit crew / the experience / the resources … whereas I don't.'

JUDGERS

Ever feel like someone is constantly judging you and all you do? This group of offenders also breeds negativity, judging not just you but everyone else in your network. They judge your goals and ambitions, as well as your achievements and successes. This creates barriers to your growth, knowledge, insight and intellect, serving no purpose except to feed doubt and insecurity, and to block your progress.

7. Sceptic

The Sceptic wants to bring you down (likely with them) before you achieve too much. They believe your ideas have no merit, feed off your inner fears, and wreak havoc on your anxiety and stress levels. They are there on the sidelines watching and waiting, and they love it when they can say I told you so.

To make matters worse, it's our minds and bodies that bear the brunt of it. Our self-belief takes a battering, and the self-criticism and negative self-talk kicks in and paralyses us.

ACCEPTING THE SCEPTIC'S OPINION OF YOU AND
ANY OF YOUR IDEAS IS GIVING THEM VALUE THEY
DON'T DESERVE.

8. Labeller

The Labeller puts you in a box with a neat little name on it and sets your limitations: ‘You are too junior.' ‘You've never worked in this area before.' ‘You're a busy mother — you can't possibly do [XYZ].' And they will only support and appreciate you if you fit into this box or the label they have created for you; anything else and you'll be ‘disappointing' them.

Imagine if Do Won Chang⁹ had listened to the people who placed him in the box of Korean immigrant and low-paid worker when he first arrived in the US in 1981. In those early days he worked three jobs to support his family, as a janitor, in a gas station and in a coffee shop. In 1984 he pushed himself out of the box and opened his first clothing store. Now Forever 21, a multinational, 480-store empire that is still family owned, generates around US$3 billion in sales a year.

9. Villain

The Villain in your network is malicious in intent, motivated by power, greed and jealousy. They appear to set up conflict, obstacles and challenges for you and the people you hang out with.

Their toxic personalities and mean-spirited activities can increase your stress, raise your blood pressure and affect your performance. They make it difficult for you to get work done. They can act in a sneaky way, enjoy gossiping and often use their manipulative tactics against you.

But as Winston Churchill said, ‘You have enemies? Good — that means you've stood for something in life.' In this case it means you're on to something — you're on to your success.

FIGHTERS

Fighters do just that: they fight you every step of the way along your road to success. They hold you back with the intention of bringing you down with them. They can't bear to see you achieving when they are not. ‘How dare you have your own ambitions and aspirations! How dare you demonstrate focus, integrity, drive and determination! Keep that junk out of your head and stick with me in the status quo.'

10. Bully

A Bully fights you from all angles, breaking down your spirit until you feel like you have no hope left. Often they appear in the guise of a friendly competitor, until they start intimidating and even humiliating you.

They can make you feel submissive, small and without a voice. They exclude you from conversations, meetings or events. They may even become abusive (verbally or physically).

Bullying, in whatever form, is a serious issue around the world, from the playground to the boardroom. In a 2011 Monster Global Poll survey¹⁰, 64 per cent of the 16 517 participants admitted to being bullied at work. According to the Australian Productivity Commission, workplace bullying costs Australia between $6 billion and $36 billion annually.

11. Liar

Who isn't telling you the truth? Who is lying intentionally for their own gain? Liars deliberately hold back important information from you, and I don't mean the answer to ‘Does my bum look big in this?'

Maybe they offer to help with your project, but never deliver. Or suggest an introduction to someone who could help you land a new job, only you're never connected. They may even put you forward for a role or a job, or so you think, but then nothing ever eventuates, no matter how much you follow up.

There's always an excuse, and when they've run out of excuses there's usually silence. This leads to frustration and disappointment. The Liar's ‘carrot dangling' can impact your business deals, stunt your career growth and ruin your relationships as well as your own personal brand.

12. Critic

The Critic shuts down your goals, plans, ideas, thoughts and actions before they've even begun. They criticise your plans, fill your head with negative nonsense and opinions that lack evidence or substance.

They have strong ideas about what success means, how to live life, do business or build a career, and they're not interested if you don't think or feel the same way. It's either their way or the highway.

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, the Critic's constant stream of negative commentary will eventually wear away at you until you're no longer a ‘worthy' opponent.

Work your network

BEING AWARE OF THE IMPACT OTHERS CAN
HAVE ON YOU IS POWERFUL, BECAUSE WITH THIS
KNOWLEDGE AND AWARENESS COMES CHOICE.

Will you choose to take ownership of and control of the key people in your network? As I've said, it's not about telling your best friend why he or she cannot be in your network; it's about defining and recognising boundaries and identifying those people who will help you get to where you want to be.

Choose to play your own game in the way you want.

Choose to live the life you want.

Choose to take control of your own energy, mindset and momentum.

Choose to make your network work for you.

Mark Twain said, ‘Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.'

Be brave and reassess the negative people in your network, and instead find a diverse network of Promoters, Pit Crew, Teachers and Butt-kickers who will add value to your thinking, your business and your ambitions. These are the people who want to help and support you, to guide you on your personal journey, ensuring you are moving forward in the right direction, the direction you want to head in.

All you need now are the tools to ‘work it', to master the art of building your effective and strategic network. This is what we'll get into in part III.