CHAPTER
7

Assertiveness

In This Chapter

• Find how fear of conflict feeds procrastination
• Discover the link between procrastination and anxiety
• Learn how to stand up for yourself
• See how shrinking your to-do list can shrink your stress

Some of us anxious folks are so ultraresponsible that you wouldn’t think we’d have any trouble getting things done. Often, though, we’re too good at getting other people’s things done. I’m not about to suggest that you ditch everyone in your life and start over. But I am suggesting that you learn to act assertively when faced with other people’s agendas so that you can move forward with your own life.

In this chapter, we take a look at conflict avoidance and procrastination and the role they can play in aggravating anxiety. We also focus on how you can be more proactive and assertive, reducing the risk that last-minute emergencies (either self- or other-created) will disrupt your peace and sabotage your priorities.

Doing Good—and Doing Yourself In

How often have you found yourself in one of these situations?

• You’ve just agreed to baby-sit your niece’s children—again—even though you have a stressful work project due this Friday.
• Your neighbor drops in uninvited several times a week and spends hours telling you her personal problems. As a result, you’re behind on your writing deadline.
• Your husband is going through a rough patch at work and constantly takes his frustrations out on you by being rude, picking fights, or silently fuming. Even though you know it has to be done, you find yourself “dragging your feet” when he asks you to finish paying the bills.

What themes emerge when you look at these scenarios? Procrastination? Lack of assertiveness? Resentment? By not saying “no” to your niece, your work project is now delayed. If you were able to set limits with your neighbor, you’d send her on her way—maybe with a recommendation of a good therapist—and get your writing done. If you were able to confront your husband effectively about his mistreatment, you might be more motivated to get those bills paid.

Conflict Avoidance and Anxiety

All three scenarios show how people can avoid conflict with others at the expense of getting their own needs met. However, the more we do that, the more anxious (and angry) we are likely to feel. The more anxious we feel, the more likely we are to put off challenging or stressful things, and the more chaos we invite into our lives to justify putting things off.

Of course, things do happen that are beyond your control. You can learn, however, to be discriminating about what is and is not your responsibility. Passivity and procrastination do not cause anxiety disorders. In fact, you can think of them as misguided attempts to manage your anxiety by avoiding unpleasant confrontations or tasks. However, in the long run, procrastination—whether in setting limits because you don’t want to deal with conflict or in tackling a must-do—adds to your stress level. If procrastination or conflict avoidance becomes a habit, you can aggravate any anxiety you already have.

Crossing off every item on your to-do list won’t cure an anxiety disorder—but it will sure lighten your stress load. And sometimes, remedying bad habits that can lead to worry and stress can ultimately help you manage your anxiety.

Saying “No”

If you’ve ever “put up” with a situation until you “blew up,” you know what it’s like to change quickly from passive to aggressive. Many of us who declare our limits by losing our cool learn the wrong lesson. Either we feel so guilty about losing it that we try even harder not to say anything the next time, or we feel so much better that we give ourselves permission to do it again.

It is possible, though, to say “no” before you reach the breaking point. In fact, saying “no” with calm and confidence is a sign of healthy assertiveness. It’s not an insult or a rejection. It’s just a piece of information.

“Is it raining outside?” “No.”

“Will you baby-sit for me today?” “No.”

Can you imagine being able to say “no” without tagging on a litany of excuses? It’s hard. And yet, in the English language, the word no makes up a complete sentence. So why does “no” seem mean, selfish, or incomplete, when it’s really the right answer?

One reason is simply that many of us were taught not to say “no.” When a teacher or parent asked you to do something, “no” wasn’t really an option. How would your third-grade teacher have responded if you’d politely declined her request for you to write an answer on the chalkboard? The normal socialization process encouraged us to be “nice” and accept birthday party invitations from kids we didn’t like.

In other words, we learned that it’s not okay to say “no” just because we don’t want to do something. As an adult, all this early learning can make it difficult to tell the difference between “have-to’s” and “want-to’s.” It can also lead us to the main reason that we have trouble with saying “no”: fear.

There are the “little” fears, of course. There are fears of being judged selfish, lazy, or incompetent. There’s the fear of hurting someone’s feelings. There’s the fear that the other person won’t be able to cope if we say “no.”

But all of these fears and more can be mini-versions of a larger fear of abandonment. “If I say no to my friend’s request, she won’t like me anymore.” “If I tell my husband I need more help with the kids, he’ll be mad at me.” “If I talk to my boss about the work overload I’m experiencing and ask him to prioritize, he’ll think I can’t handle the pressure.”

More often than not, there is no real substance to this fear. Your friend may prefer that you say “yes,” but it probably isn’t going to jeopardize your relationship. People may sometimes try to control you with their disapproval; if you can learn to see this for what it is, however, it loses its power. And consider the likely consequences of not talking to your boss about too much work: missed deadlines, sloppy work, and focusing on the wrong assignment.

MYTH BUSTER

“Being assertive is being selfish.” Wrong! Being assertive is being honest. Assertiveness is about acknowledging all opinions as important. It conveys the message “I matter, and you do, too.”

An Assertive Attitude

The ability to say “no” gracefully is a skill that can be easily learned, but true assertiveness comes as much before we open our mouths as when we do. It’s first and foremost an attitude, a stance toward oneself and the outside world that says “I matter, and you do, too.”

Dealing with a Pet Peeve

For example, let’s pretend that one of your pet peeves is being late. You believe it’s disrespectful to be late because it communicates to the other person that you don’t value his or her time. In your mind, timeliness is linked to trust; you want to be able to count on it when a person says, “I’ll meet you there at 7.” Occasional glitches aside, if someone is frequently late, you think it suggests a lack of discipline or caring.

Here’s the problem: you’ve just fallen head over heels for Mr. Wonderful-but-Laid-Back. Because you’re so crazy about him, you try your best to overlook the fact that he’s half an hour late for every date you make. He always calls if he promised to, but it might not be when he said he would. You’re starting to realize that this quirk or habit of his is becoming a big deal to you.

An assertive attitude starts from the perspective that you both have legitimate viewpoints, that your new beau might not have the same beliefs about time, and you have the right to express your feelings and ask for what you want.

What an Assertive Attitude Includes

An assertive attitude would include the following:

• Confidence that you can handle conflict. (“Resolving this issue will prevent me from feeling resentful.”)
• A positive, optimistic outlook. (“I think we can figure out a way to improve this situation.”)
• Clarity about what you need or want. (“It’s important to me to be on time.”)
• Calm communication without attacking the other person or giving in. (“I hear you telling me to ‘lighten up.’ I realize being on time may not be as important to you.”)
• Negotiation, if it turns out the two of you want different things. (“I can see how you might be running a few minutes late. I’ll tell you what; if you’re not here by 6:45, I’ll meet you at the movie theater.”)
• Sticking to clear boundaries. (“If you’re not ready to leave by 7:30, I’ll go ahead and see you when you get there.”)

In all of these examples, nonverbal communication is at least as important as what you say. Tone of voice and body language make a difference in how your words are received. An open, relaxed stance and a calm, low voice convey confidence and respect.

ANXIETY ATTACK

Some research suggests that women, in particular, are likely to feel anxious when they have to say “no” because it threatens their need to stay connected by pleasing others. However, saying “yes” when we want to say “no” is dishonest and ultimately disconnects us from other people and ourselves.

The Many Benefits of Assertiveness

When we don’t trust ourselves to directly ask for what we want, it’s tempting to do it in sneakier ways. Giving our mom the “silent treatment.” Sulking when our spouse forgets our anniversary. Instead of talking to our boss about our excessive workload, we let it pile up on our desk and hope she’ll notice that we have too much to do. These are all ways of trying to communicate indirectly and regain a sense of control. The problem is that our communication can be easily misinterpreted or overlooked—or, worse, be used as justification for someone to continue treating us unfairly.

Assertiveness, by contrast, is not about controlling people or situations. Truly assertive people give others the same rights they give themselves. They are willing to communicate what they want and leave other people free to say yes or no. If the needs of other people don’t mesh with their own, assertive people don’t panic or fume. They are willing to negotiate toward a solution that best meets everybody’s needs. This creates a relationship and environment that invites creative solutions and allow everyone to get their needs met.

STRESS RELIEF

Research suggests that, in business, 20 percent of success depends on technical skill, and 80 percent depends on an adaptive, positive personality.

Acquiring Assertiveness Skills

When we realize that assertiveness is as good for the people we care about as it is for ourselves, we can choose to let go of the false beliefs and fears holding us back and adopt an assertive approach to life. When we make that commitment, it’s time to take an honest look at where our relationships are right now and what we can expect as we become more assertive.

Taking Responsibility

Your first step—painful as it may be—is taking responsibility for the way other people are treating you. If your life is full of people who impose on you, it’s because you’ve been giving them the results they want. (Ouch!) And they may not like it when you decide to change the rules of the game.

In fact, the rewards for saying “no” and sticking to it are often delayed. That is, people who’ve gotten what they want because of your lack of assertiveness aren’t likely to jump for joy when you decide to speak up. It’s pretty common for people to initially react with anger and disbelief—and do more of whatever has worked in the past. For example, a spouse who has used guilt to get you to back down is likely to use more guilt when you start to set limits. That’s a normal reaction from anyone who is facing a new set of rules; you don’t have to judge this, but you certainly don’t want to give in to it.

However, over time you’ll reap many rewards for asking for what you want and setting limits about what you don’t. People will respect you more. Those who truly care about you will adjust. If someone leaves, so be it; they may not have cared about you, just what they were getting from you.

STRESS RELIEF

Consider posting a list of your strengths in a place you can see easily. Organize them into three categories: I have (strong relationships, structure at home, role models); I am (a hopeful person, a caring person, proud of myself); and I can (ask for help when I need it, solve problems). These words can constantly remind you that you have what it takes.

Practicing How to Say No

In addition to anticipating some resistance, you can also practice how to say “no” with grace and confidence. Here are some of my favorite guidelines.

Say, “No.” Say, “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Say, “No, thank you.” But however you say it, don’t elaborate. Get comfortable with the word no through practice, and use it as a complete sentence whenever you can. Don’t volunteer a reason, especially when you’re dealing with people who chronically impose upon you. To these folks, offering a reason is like raising a target for them to shoot down.

If it’s too uncomfortable not to give a reason, just give one deal-killer rather than a bunch of little ones that can reduce your resolve. “I have other plans” and “I’ve decided not to take any more projects until June” are examples. “I don’t want to” is another one; no one can logically argue that one away.

When dealing with an especially persistent person with whom you don’t have an ongoing relationship (for example, a telemarketer who keeps calling or an overly enthusiastic salesperson), adopt the broken-record technique. In a calm and pleasant tone, keep repeating what you have already said. It won’t take long for them to realize they’ve hit a dead end.

Let them have their feelings. People are allowed to be disappointed and frustrated when you tell them “no.” You are not responsible for making them feel better; don’t even try.

When You Have a Request

What if you’re the one asking for something? The first step is to prepare yourself mentally. Remember your assertive stance: “I matter, and you do, too.” You have every right to ask for what you want, and others have every right to answer however they please.

Before you speak up, be very clear in your own mind about the difference between how you feel and what you want. For instance, I might feel overwhelmed by all the things I have to do today. However, if I just talk about my feelings, I may get sympathy but no offer of assistance. On the other hand, if I’m specific about what kind of relief I need, I might get some real help. Think about how differently you might respond to your spouse’s venting (“I’m so stressed about all the kids’ Valentine’s parties”) versus your spouse’s request (“Will you go to one of the kids’ parties tomorrow? I’ve got a proposal that needs to be out by the end of business Wednesday.”)

If the attitude is right but you still aren’t sure about the skill part, practice with a friend or in front of a mirror. You can use the mirror to practice relaxed, confident body language. And your friend can help you create a realistic conversation. In this conversation …

• State your problem and what you need from the other person. (“I’m distressed because of X, and I would like you to do Y to help me solve that problem.”)
• Deal effectively with distracting responses. (“If you’d like for me to take out the trash more often, I’m happy to talk about that later. Right now, I need to address X. Are you willing to do Y?”)
• If you meet objections, listen to the other person’s point of view with respect. See whether you can work out a solution that works for both of you.
• Stay focused on clear, honest communication.
• If applicable, agree to get the help of a third party if the two of you can’t come to an agreement.
• If what you need to ask for is nonnegotiable (for example, fidelity, nonviolence, or fair pay), be polite but clear about what the consequences are if the need is not met. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Delegation

Many anxiety sufferers have an excessive sense of responsibility. (We talk more about anxiety-prone personality traits in Chapter 10.) They feel like no one can do things as well as they can. They’ve got to oversee everything to make sure it’s done right. Why delegate when they’d wind up worrying about it so much that they might as well just do it themselves?

The Cost of Not Delegating

When people are unable to delegate, they wind up shooting themselves in the foot. If you feel compelled to do everything yourself, your to-do list will always be endless. Dangling to-do’s create stress and worry, which can exacerbate anxiety. With some advance preparation, you can delegate tasks in such a way that you don’t wind up obsessing endlessly about how well things are being done.

STRESS RELIEF

“We are what we read”? True or not, it sure doesn’t hurt to borrow courage and inspiration by reading biographies about people who have faced obstacles and been successful.

Delegation Guidelines

The following guidelines can be useful in knowing when, to whom, and how to delegate effectively—and peacefully:

• Develop some delegation “rules of thumb.” Don’t delegate tasks that are enjoyable and meaningful to you. Do farm out tasks that someone else can do better, that you dislike the most, or that are overly time-consuming in comparison to the value they bring you.
• Choose and train the right person. A 7-year-old is probably not capable of successfully cleaning the bathroom; most 11-year-olds can. Skills and abilities also vary with adults; even if it’s a task any human could do, take nothing for granted, and spend the up-front time interviewing and training.
• Alleviate worries (and glitches) by creating feedback loops. Set mini-deadlines if the situation warrants. Create a proactive system for handling the unexpected; for example, put the responsibility on the delegate to come to you with any problems or questions well before the agreed-upon deadline.
• Delegate the authority, not the methods. If your spouse agrees to comb your daughter’s hair, keep your mouth shut if it’s not in a French twist. Focus on the bigger goal (getting help from your spouse) rather than the immediate outcome (a particular hairdo). Otherwise, the “you’re not happy with how I do it anyway” excuse can rear its ugly head.

You can’t—and wouldn’t want to—delegate everything. When you’re first starting out, delegate to the edge of your comfort level and no further. When you gain confidence in your ability to manage tasks—rather than always do them—you’ll feel freer to tackle more important items, such as the activities that you’ve been procrastinating on.

Procrastination

Procrastination isn’t a bad word. It’s simply the act of putting off doing something until later. Sometimes procrastination is appropriate and even valuable; for example, you have a job to do that will take a couple of hours, and you’re starving. Putting off work until after you’ve eaten is probably the best decision, especially if you want to think clearly while you work.

The reason “procrastination” has a bad reputation is that it can become a way to avoid any task that is stressful or anxiety-inducing. You need to prepare for that business talk, but just the thought of getting up in front of those people makes you anxious. So instead of preparing extra hard for it—which would be a great anxiety-relieving strategy—you avoid even the thought of it. As time gets closer, and you’re still unprepared, your anxiety escalates. And you’ve still got to give the talk!

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Researchers studied the effects of procrastination on health and stress levels among college students. Although those who procrastinated began the semester with lower stress levels than non-procrastinators, they ended up with worse stress levels and health by the end of the semester.

What Procrastinators Fear

Procrastination is often rooted in fear, which can manifest in several ways. We can fear one or more of the following things:

• Failure. This can be paralyzing for anyone with an anxiety disorder. It’s so easy to believe that failing at even a small task would be devastating.
• Success. For those of us prone to anxiety, success just ups the ante. “What if they expect too much of me in the future?” “What if I do so well I get a promotion, and I don’t like that job as much as I like this one?”
• Imperfection. Your motto might be “If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing perfectly.” The problem with that is that perfectionism is a tyrant that won’t allow you to let go of a task after you start. In an effort to avoid imperfection, you avoid the task.
• Being overwhelmed or trapped. There’s nothing like seeing the entire list of semester assignments on the first day of class to get the adrenaline flowing. Anxiety can make it difficult to see that you can break down large tasks into smaller, easily managed ones. As a result, you wind up thinking you have to swallow the elephant whole rather than taking it one bite at a time.
• Abandonment or isolation. Getting things done can mean giving up your hyper-vigilant attention to people and relationships, and feeling disconnected from others raises your anxiety level.
• Being controlled by someone else. If you resent someone’s authority over you, you may find it hard to get going on projects assigned to you. Unfortunately, you only punish yourself by procrastinating.

Overcoming Procrastination

Fortunately, some powerful tools can help you overcome procrastination and address the fears underneath. Start by taking inventory of all the undone tasks and unresolved matters that clutter your mind and stress you out. This is not a to-do list! This is just an exercise in self-exploration.

Start with a piece of paper split into two columns with the following headings.

On the left, list every task that needs doing or that you find yourself putting off. Write down small tasks, such as household errands, as well as big goals you’ve always had but never accomplished. Just get it all down on paper and out of your head.

On the right, across from each task, write down any obstacles: fears, worries, or other negative things that come up. For instance, maybe you’ve promised to do something for someone you feel resentful toward; the promised action would be on the left, and the anger and resentment would be on the right.

MYTH BUSTER

“When I feel better, I’ll do it.” Nine times out of ten, our feelings change after we take action, not before. You may need to take very small steps, but don’t let that keep you from taking any steps at all.

Don’t consider anything off limits. Your procrastination may have nothing to do with the actual task, so just write what comes to mind. When you finish, look for any patterns that emerge. Do you put off things that you’re afraid of? Angry about? Ambivalent toward? As you become acquainted with the thoughts and feelings that feed your procrastination, you can choose the most workable methods for dealing with it.

Most often, these strategies involve better use of your mental space or wiser use of your time.

Mental Space

Perhaps as you perused your list you noticed that your feelings get in the way of your accomplishments. Every time you sit down to do the put-off task, you feel anxious and nervous and wind up finding reasons to delay it again. The following tips are some ways you can create “space” between yourself and your anxiety symptoms:

• Do calming activities first. We discuss specific relaxation techniques in the self-help chapters in the next section. For now, though, try listening to calming music or taking a leisurely walk before you tackle a daunting task.
• Give yourself an “out” that allows you to stay “in.” Give yourself as much control over the process as possible, but don’t let yourself quit. For example, if you feel anxious, take a break and focus on your breathing; inhale deeply while counting five heartbeats, and then exhale as you count five more. Make deals with yourself; work on it for 15 minutes, and then stop for a little while.
• Bookend the scary stuff. When you feel afraid to face a task alone, call up a friend right before you do it. Tell her what you’re about to do and that you’ll call her right after you do it. You’ll get support and feel more accountable at the same time.

Time Management

“It’s not mental space I need, it’s an extra hour in the day.” If those were your thoughts reading the preceding section, take heart.

STRESS RELIEF

Dr. Steven Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is excellent in terms of “putting first things first.” Consider reading it—or rereading it if it’s been a while.

Here are some logistical tools that can help you plow your way through a confusing, undifferentiated mass of to-do’s. They can help you make time your ally, not your tormentor. Use only those tips that seem doable. If a system seems too complicated, it might be difficult to stick with it.

• Prioritize your to-do list. List items either by their importance or the date they are due.
• Jog your memory. Get yourself the right “tickler” system, such as a calendar that has room for notes, a planner, or a simple spiral notebook. Your tasks will go into the calendar.
• Get a quick fix. Schedule one or two quick tasks to be done every day. That will give you some relief and get the ball rolling.
• Be disciplined. Tackle one piece of a larger task each day. If you’re trying to plow through a packed closet, schedule 30 minutes a day to chip away at it, preferably at the same time each day. Be just as diligent about not overdoing it as you are about sticking to your commitment. If you start out with too much effort, you can become overwhelmed before you get to the heart of the task at hand.
• Schedule breaks. Make room for pleasurable activities such as hobbies or outings with friends. Schedule them as seriously as you would any other item; these daily uplifts are what help us stay balanced and focused.
• Under-schedule. Leave spaces in your calendar for the unexpected. When asked to do something next week, ask for a day to think about it. Assume you will be as busy next week as you are this week.

As you’ve seen, a lack of assertiveness and procrastination both involve avoidance, either of conflict or of tasks. They also both have a complicated relationship with anxiety; fears can underlie passivity or procrastination, and either of them can cause you to feel anxious. We’ve also talked about how you can get active to stand up for your rights and get the job done.

But what if your struggle is mainly internal, in the form of negative thoughts or chronic worries? In the next chapter, we take a look at how you can take control of your thoughts and use them to soothe—rather than feed—your anxiety.

ANXIETY ATTACK

If you find yourself automatically saying “yes” to every request (and later regretting it), start saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This delay will buy you some time to evaluate whether the task or activity is really in your best interest.

The Least You Need to Know

• Conflict avoidance fuels procrastination by overloading our schedules and tempting us to use others as an excuse for putting things off.
• Procrastination and interpersonal passivity are often used to avoid discomfort but actually make us more anxious in the long run.
• Assertiveness is both an attitude and a skill. It carries the message “I matter, and you do, too.”
• Delegation is a way to be responsible without getting overwhelmed.
• Procrastination can be a result of mental barriers or poorly used time.
• Mental aids in the war against procrastination can include getting support and encouraging others to hold us accountable; time boosters can include prioritization, under-scheduling, and balanced to-do lists.