CHAPTER
5

Getting in Tune with Your Emotions

In This Chapter

• The role of emotions in anxiety problems
• Discover the feelings underneath your worries
• Evaluate your emotional intelligence
• Better manage your emotions

How are you? It’s a common enough question, one we hear every day. But honestly, how do you feel? Feelings are, after all, a part of much of what we think about and do, so it’s an important question.

Ideally, our emotions are our teachers, telling us what’s important about our needs, our wants, and how the world around us is treating us. They can serve as a warning system when we need something. Even when they seem counterproductive—like the fear accompanying a panic attack or the chronic worry that underlies generalized anxiety—they can teach us things about ourselves.

But what if we’ve lost touch with them? What if we ignore them? And what happens when our emotions start shouting? Becoming in tune with how you feel and responding appropriately to your emotions takes a little skill and practice.

In this chapter, we discuss the role of our feelings in managing anxiety, how emotions affect us, and what it means to be emotionally intelligent.

Feelings

Artists often trumpet their feelings as being responsible for their art. William Wordsworth described poetry as the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings. Picasso once said the artist is the receptacle for the emotions that come from the world around. For the rest of us, our feelings make us human, allow us to fall in love, tempt us to get even, and motivate us to climb the corporate ladder.

Feelings have often taken a backseat in the field of psychology. In fact, it was long believed that our thoughts were the major force behind our actions. But as a good car salesperson knows, our feelings have a much more persuasive influence on the choices we make. How many of us chose a mate based on a careful analysis of that person’s strengths or weaknesses. It’s more likely we fell in love in spite of our logic. Sometimes our thoughts come in to justify getting what our feelings want!

Emotions are produced by the brain in response to the balance between our needs and wants and what the outside world is offering us. Falling in love is a combination of internal needs for intimacy and closeness coupled (hopefully!) with the right timing and chemistry with another person. The correspondence of needs/wants with the outside world produces feelings.

Temperament

Although we all share the same basic feelings—love, sadness, happiness, guilt, and so on—we differ in the particular feelings we experience at any given time and how strongly we feel them. Some of us are more high strung, often prone to strong negative feelings (like anxiety), whereas others seem more emotionally cool. Some of us easily express our emotions, whereas others prefer a poker face.

Individual differences in emotional sensitivity and expressiveness are an interesting result of both nature and nurture. It probably comes as no surprise that we inherit much of our emotional tuning from our parents. Some of this inheritance shows up in the temperament we’re born with.

For example, from birth, children differ in how sensitive they are to different stimuli in their environment, and how intense their response. Joni’s oldest son has always been extremely aggravated by shirt tags, tight hugs, bright lights, and loud noises. On the other hand, one of her younger kids could probably wear a shirt made out of Brillo pads and enjoy a TV show while a marching band played in their family room.

Intensity of reaction refers to the energy level of a person’s typical response. For example, a child who has a low threshold of responsiveness but a high intensity of reaction may respond to a bad-tasting medicine with a very loud “Yuck!” and lots of facial grimacing and spitting. On the other hand, another child with the same threshold of responsiveness but a low intensity of reaction may only wrinkle his nose in distaste. (We discuss temperament further in Chapter 10.)

Parenting and Response Styles

Whereas some characteristics are no doubt genetic, research is casting light on the patterns of emotional behavior we learn while growing up. It seems that not only do we get our emotional setting (high strung or laid back) from our parents, we also learn our patterns of dealing with our feelings from watching our parents:

Honey, you don’t really feel that way. How can you say you were mad that I missed your birthday party; don’t you know how hard I work? Snap out of that bad mood, young man, and quit being so selfish.

Were you able to blow off steam in your house without upsetting anyone? How comfortable were your parents in expressing their emotions—both positive and negative? Children from homes in which family members are expected to express feelings, whether in shouting matches or calm conversation, are more likely as adults to do likewise, whereas children from homes where emotional expression is taboo are more likely to be emotionally reserved (or inhibited) as adults.

One fascinating study compared parents of anxiety-disordered children to parents of children with no mental health problems to see how these families coped with emotional challenges. Specifically, the researchers recorded parents’ habits in dealing with or discussing their children’s feelings to see whether there were any differences in parenting style. The results? Parents of children with anxiety disorders were less inclined to talk to their children about feelings. In some cases, parents of anxious children tended to discourage emotional discussions by ignoring the child’s attempts to do so or by changing the subject.

Learning to understand and express emotions is an important developmental experience through which children develop emotional competence. Children look to their parents for guidance on how to deal with their own feelings. Some treatments for young anxiety sufferers now include a family component, in which parents are helped to better manage their own stress and anxiety and model more effective emotion management by openly discussing emotions with their children.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Human emotions are universal, but the culture in which we are raised gives us rules about when and where our feelings can be expressed. A child raised in a typical Italian family, for example, may be more emotionally expressive than one brought up in Finland.

Acknowledge Feelings

Let’s pretend your 17-year-old sister calls you because she’s upset. She’s just broken up with her boyfriend, and she’s got a ton of college applications due out in a few weeks. She still hasn’t gotten her SAT scores back and is imagining the worst. You love your sister, but, to be honest, you’re not in the best frame of mind yourself. You’ve been working 14 hours a day, and you’ve just heard rumors about a work layoff, which, because you’ve just bought a car you can barely afford, worries you even more than it normally would. Plus your sister has repeatedly broken up with her boyfriend, who, in your opinion, is a class-A jerk.

So you respond with something like, “Oh, Sis, quit being so dramatic. You’ve aced every test you’ve ever taken, you’ll probably get accepted to Harvard, and as for your ex-boyfriend—the jerk—I’m glad you broke up and I’m sick of hearing about it.”

Whether what you’re saying is true or not, the odds are that this response is going to get you the opposite of what you want. You’re trying to get your sister to be less emotional and more rational; by discounting her feelings, however, the odds are she’s going to become more emotional (and possibly less rational).

Feelings, ours and anyone else’s, are like that. Like them or not, we are best advised to accept them, listen to them, and understand why they are there. We don’t—and shouldn’t—give in to them or use them as an excuse to justify our behavior. But they are important signals and, if we ignore them, they’re likely to get louder until we stop and listen.

STRESS RELIEF

One way of letting go of fear is to allow yourself to feel afraid—even briefly. In other words, instead of trying to think it through, just feel it through. By letting the feeling do its job, it can then stop alarming you, allowing your higher-reasoning powers to process the information and make a secure judgment.

Managing Emotions

No matter how much we try, there are some feelings we can’t control. The primary emotions—fear, anger, happiness, sadness—are hardwired into every one of us; they’re the feelings that kept our ancestors alive. And yet many of us think we should be able to avoid or control negative feelings, and that we’ve failed if we can’t.

Did you know that by not listening to your feelings, you may be telling yourself that you are not important enough to listen to? Ignoring how you feel can shake your self-esteem. Pretty soon you may be carrying around lots of unexpressed and unaddressed feelings, which may lead to other problems.

MYTH BUSTER

“Ignoring feelings makes them go away.” Not necessarily. In fact, sometimes our feelings seem to shout louder to get our attention—by raising our heart rate, releasing stress chemicals, and slowing down rational thought, making it hard to concentrate—in other words, by inducing feelings of anxiety.

Vicious Cycles

Anyone who has had a panic attack can feel panicked at the thought of having another one. This fear of panic is a secondary feeling; it’s based largely on the things we’re telling ourselves about the first panic attack. Thinking I couldn’t stand to feel that bad again can quickly turn discomfort into terror. Thinking Dan’s not home and I’ve got that bad feeling; maybe it’s a sign that something terrible has happened can turn concern into crippling anxiety.

These secondary feelings can cause substantial psychic problems. Often the original feelings aren’t as severe and hard to manage as the secondary feelings make it seem. It takes practice to distinguish our original feelings from the thoughts and feelings we have about those original feelings. Yet this process frees us to focus on building the capacity to accept our primary feelings—which we can’t directly control anyway—and eliminate the secondary feelings that we’re feeding with our frightened thoughts (see Chapters 8 and 9).

STRESS RELIEF

Music is a great mood modifier. Start off with a tune that closely matches your mood and gradually work your way to something more relaxing. Your brain will readily accept the mood-matched music, and by gradually introducing something more soothing, you’ll transition into a calmer state.

Emotional Intelligence

Learning how to handle everyday emotions builds up our strength for handling an anxiety disorder. In addition, learning to handle everyday emotions might be the single best predictor of how successful we will be in life. You may have heard the term emotional intelligence bantered around at a company meeting or in a magazine article on relationships. Those who can effectively manage emotions—both their own and those of the people around them—are thought to have a high emotional intelligence quotient, or EQ.

Make a quick assessment of your emotional intelligence. For each item that follows, circle the answer that best describes you. Although informal, this can give you an overview of your strengths and weaknesses. The first half will help you evaluate your ability to manage your own feelings; the second half is geared toward your awareness of, and sensitivity to, the emotions of others.

1. I stay relaxed and composed under pressure.

2. I can identify negative feelings without becoming distressed.

3. I calm myself quickly when I get angry or upset.

4. I can pull myself together quickly after an unexpected setback.

5. I am aware of how my behavior impacts others.

6. When I’m in a bad mood, I know what or who is upsetting me.

7. Even when I do my best, I feel guilty about the things that did not get done.

8. When I am upset, I can pinpoint exactly what aspect of the problem bugs me.

9. I am able to get over guilt about little mistakes that I made in the past.

10. I am able to stop thinking about my problems when I want to.

11. I will do whatever I can to keep myself from crying.

12. People who know me tell me that I overreact to minor problems.

13. No matter how much I accomplish, I have a nagging feeling that I should be doing more.

Now add all the numbers under the 13 questions; your total score should fall somewhere between 13 and 65. To get your average score for managing your own feelings, add the total of your score and divide by 13. If your total falls between 2 and 3.5, you are fairly average in managing your feelings. Below 2 means you are above average. Higher than 3.5 means you may benefit from tools to help manage your emotions.

Now answer the following questions about your reactions to other people’s feelings:

1. I am not satisfied with my work unless someone else praises it.

2. People who are emotional make me uncomfortable.

3. I need someone’s push in order to get going.

4. It seems to me that people’s reactions come out of the blue.

5. I panic when I have to face someone who is angry.

6. Some people make me feel bad about myself no matter what I do.

7. I pay attention and listen to others without jumping to conclusions.

8. I can receive feedback or criticism without becoming defensive.

9. I am sensitive to other people’s emotions and moods.

Use the same scoring suggestions as the first half of the quiz.

So how comfortable are you with the emotions of the people around you? How does your own self-awareness compare with your sensitivity to others? Are you better at listening and understanding other people’s feelings than your own, or are you able to interpret and cope with what’s going on inside you but find other people’s feelings confusing or overwhelming? Ideally, of course, you will be able to manage your responses to your own and others’ emotions.

Pitfalls on the Way to Better Emotion Management

Developing emotional intelligence can be tricky. As with any skill, there are old habits to break and pitfalls to avoid. There are also a few myths about what it means to be more emotionally intelligent; for example, some people think developing a higher EQ means “I should always be able to control my moods” or “I should be more emotional” (neither is correct). As you become more aware of, and respectful toward, your feelings, the following are some things to be wary of.

STRESS RELIEF

Increase self-awareness by checking your emotional status several times a day. Rate yourself on a 1 to 10 scale of negative emotions (i.e., anxiety, sadness, and anger); jot down your score, what was happening at the time, and how you responded to your feelings. Taking notice of feelings in this way can diffuse stress because you are listening to your inner self rather than trying to ignore it.

Feelings Are Faster—and Stronger—Than Thoughts

Our thoughts are always playing catch-up to our feelings. Consider this: the limbic system, the center of our emotions, operates at speeds of a thousandth of a second. In contrast, the rational mind, the neocortex, operates at about one tenth of a second. The helpful part of our emotional edge is that our feelings can help us react quickly in life-and-death situations, before we’ve even had time to think about the danger. The downside is that we can become sidetracked by our emotions.

Strategy: Pay attention. Feelings may not be intense immediately; they often build up gradually, so we have time to become aware of them as they build. When feelings first arise, ask yourself, “What is this feeling? What is it telling me?” Processing your feelings in this way can prevent them from snowballing out of control.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Recent research suggests that self-control is like a muscle, and when we use it, we may need some time to regain strength. Following a period of self-control when facing tempting food, alcohol, or tobacco, people were found to have less physical stamina, problem-solving ability, and impulse control. But take heart: the more we use our self-control, the stronger it becomes.

Feelings and Thoughts Can Get Tangled Up

Strong negative emotions can cloud our thinking; when we feel angry, we think angry thoughts (and may become even angrier). Perhaps we conjure up angry memories from the past. We may even behave angrily—by shouting, slamming a door, or giving the target of our anger the cold shoulder. Conversely, if we’re emotionally inhibited, we may find ourselves thinking critical or judgmental thoughts or acting vengefully, without noticing that we are angry.

Strategy: Don’t make any important decisions (or pronouncements) when you have strong feelings. Instead, buy yourself some time and get some perspective on your feelings. Talk about the situation with a friend or write down your thoughts, feelings, and options in a diary or journal, as in the following table. (Feel free to make as many copies as you’d like.)

In other words, listen to your feelings, but only respond to them once you understand them. Only then can you make the best judgment about what to do.

Self-Medication for Bad Feelings Can Backfire

Lots of pleasurable (and sometimes anxiety-reducing) activities can temporarily tamp down negative feelings: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, sex, gambling, etc. The pleasurable effects, however, are predictably short lived, not only because we haven’t attended to the original feelings, but now we might have added other feelings (guilt, shame, embarrassment) on top of them. We may have even made our real circumstances worse. A short-term “fix” can have a long-term price tag.

Strategy: If you find yourself reaching for an outside solution to uncomfortable feelings, build in delays. Put buying that dress on hold, or go for a walk before you eat that second piece of cake. Unless they’re ingrained habits, most impulses will subside within 15 minutes if you remove yourself from the temptation and give yourself a breather.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

When people are anxious or stressed, they’re less capable of giving themselves the mental boost they need. If you can’t see the bright side on your own, find someone who can! Talk to an upbeat friend or go to a place associated with fun, such as a park or a party.

Judging Your Feelings Doesn’t Help

Although it’s worthwhile to evaluate your emotions and decide how to respond to them, you shouldn’t just dismiss negative feelings as being “bad.” Your feelings may have something to tell you that you can address.

Worry

Worry might be considered transforming your fears into thoughts. Instead of feeling anxiety, people channel it into anxious thinking. In fact, some experts believe worry is another way to avoid anxious feelings. More often than not, we wind up with the worst of both worlds; there’s still that undercurrent of tension, and our thoughts become less productive and rational.

Because our thoughts play such a critical role in anxiety, we spend two whole chapters (Chapters 7 and 8) learning how to recognize and remedy self-defeating or fear-inducing thoughts. For now, start to explore some of the possible fears underneath those worries, and investigate in what situations you have felt similarly. For instance, any parent is terrified at the thought of losing a child; however, a parent who lost his mom to cancer at age 14 may have a much harder time stopping the “what ifs” when his child gets the flu.

MYTH BUSTER

“All uncomfortable emotions are bad.” Not true! Emotional discomfort can signal real danger or threats. Research found that carefree individuals were more likely to ignore signs of cancer than those who showed moderate levels of anxiety.

Fine-Tuning Your Alarm System

We human beings are “wired” with impressive alarm systems, including anxiety. Ideally, we notice our anxiety, investigate why we are anxious, and decide whether we need to take action or wait and see.

Sounds pretty simple, but it’s not. Some of us have an extremely sensitive alarm system. Some of us have learned, either through life experiences or early socialization, to either ignore our feelings or to avoid or fight whatever triggers them. And, of course, if we have an anxiety disorder, our alarm system may not be functioning correctly. Anxiety can develop in response to an overly active alarm system, and anxiety can send our everyday emotions into overdrive.

This is particularly true when it comes to anger. The Greek philosopher Aristotle rightly said, “Anyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way: this is not easy.” In the next chapter we explore the relationship between anger and anxiety, how you can use anger as a motivator, and how you can prevent it from sabotaging yourself and your relationships.

The Least You Need to Know

• Negative emotions may be signals that your goals, needs, and wants are not being met.
• Babies come into the world wired with different levels of emotional sensitivity and reactivity. These traits can be heightened or suppressed by their environment.
• Emotional intelligence is the ability to effectively use your feelings and to be aware of, and positively influence, the feelings of others.
• Primary emotions are those that our ancestors relied on for survival—such as fear and anger. Secondary emotions, on the other hand, are a result of our interpretation of the primary emotion-triggering event.
• Anyone can boost his or her emotion-management skills. It starts with self-awareness or paying attention to early emotional signals.