CHAPTER
6

Understanding and Managing Anger

In This Chapter

• Discover the link between anxiety and anger
• Explore the effects of anger on you and your relationships
• Find out how to manage anger and aggression
• Learn some techniques for dispersing anger and frustration

We humans have many ways of being angry. We can be afraid of our anger, repressing it and trying to appear as if we feel differently than we do. We can deny our anger—to others and ourselves—and let it come out indirectly, by “forgetting” to do things others ask of us or by making snide remarks. We can explode like lightning and thunder, releasing all of our anger in a sudden, uncontrolled outburst. We can use our anger to feel in control by threatening or bullying others. We can also use our anger as a mask to hide the fear, shame, and uncertainty we really feel.

In the preceding chapter, we talked about the purpose and value of our emotions. In this chapter, we focus on one particular—and often problematic—emotion: anger.

Why choose this particular emotion for a whole chapter? Well, anger is a natural part of the human condition, but few of us are effective in using it. Many of us spend too much time either trying to squash it or trying to clean up the aftermath after letting it loose.

Anxiety makes it harder to cope with anger. On one hand, feeling afraid and on edge can make us irritable and more likely to lash out when we get annoyed. On the other hand, some of us may be so frightened by our anger that we panic at the thought of getting mad at the people we care about. Let’s take a look at the many faces of anger and how we can use these feelings to make our relationships—and our lives—better.

MYTH BUSTER

“Anger isn’t a problem for me—I don’t shout or get aggressive with people.” Keep in mind that anger can appear in open confrontation, but it can also appear in quiet ways such as resentment, lack of communication, or sarcasm.

Anxiety and Anger

Bill is worried about his job. There have been layoffs recently, and there are rumors about more. He can’t sleep; he wakes up at all hours thinking through every comment his boss made the preceding day to see whether there’s some sign that he’s about to get laid off. He’s becoming increasingly competitive with his colleagues and is snappy and defensive when anyone makes even constructive suggestions to him. As a result, his co-workers avoid him whenever possible, and his boss is giving him fewer assignments because she thinks Bill is under too much pressure. When his boss hands yet another plum assignment to a colleague, Bill loses his temper, calls his boss unpleasant names, and storms out of the office, slamming the door.

Michelle, on the other hand, has a different scenario. After the birth of her second child, she suffered a serious bout of post-partum panic disorder. With her high level of anxiety, she found it harder and harder to be patient with her 2-year-old, who was naturally responding to a new sibling with temper tantrums and increased clinginess. Even her newborn’s cries set her teeth on edge. The shame she felt over her anxiety made it that much more difficult to accept that she was angry that life was so tough right now. Instead of using these feelings as a signal to get the help and support she needed, she felt increasingly depressed.

Am I more or less irritable when I feel anxious? Your answer to this question is a valuable clue in understanding the link between your anxiety and your anger. For most of us, anxiety leaves us feeling sensitive and irritable—less severe forms of anger. Recent research, for example, found that individuals with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) are twice as likely to experience anger-related relationship problems in comparison to non-sufferers, with 7 out of 10 sufferers confirming that their anxiety created relationship problems, from having arguments to problems with sexual intimacy.

Typically a person who suffers from anxiety can feel anger because they …

• Feel a lack or loss of control.
• Think it is not appropriate to discuss negative feelings with someone, allowing these feelings to build up.
• Feel frustrated about being anxious.
• Worry about rejection.

A feeling of losing control is usually at the heart of anger. Some people may, for example, be angry about anxiety itself, feeling that they are powerless to change their condition.

What Is Anger?

Anger starts with frustration, the feeling we experience when we don’t get what we want or feel we deserve. Our goal, whether it’s to be happy, to feel good about ourselves, or to get to work on time, has been threatened or blocked. Then we start looking for someone or something to blame.

If our frustration is strong, and the goal important enough, we feel anger. We experience an urge to take back some control. Sometimes our anger pays off; most wrongs that have been righted in the world have started with a deep sense of outrage that spawned an unwillingness to tolerate unacceptable or abusive circumstances. To make this clear, think of a time when your anger helped you protect yourself or get to a better place, perhaps by leaving a bullying boss or finally letting go of an energy-draining friend.

MYTH BUSTER

“The best way to get rid of anger is to let it out.” This is not necessarily true. Research has shown that expressing hostility gets easier with practice, a fact that calls into question the wisdom of getting rid of aggression by beating up a punching bag. It’s better to find out what triggers your anger and then develop strategies to keep those triggers from toppling you over the edge.

Anger can also be seductive. We may call it getting our own back, settling the score, or an eye for an eye. Being aggressive toward someone who has hurt our feelings or treated us unfairly makes us feel better. But it also makes us more likely to hurt that person or others even more later on. It can give a person who feels out of control a sense of being back in the driver’s seat. When we’re angry, our pulse rises, our breath quickens, more blood flows to our muscles, our pain-relieving chemicals are released, and our pupils dilate. Sound familiar? The list of physical responses is very similar to what happens when a person is passionately making love!

No matter how seductive, though, letting loose or feeding anger can make matters worse. Anger can easily lead to aggression and the intentional act of harming someone. Experience has shown that it is very difficult to control our responses when we are aroused by anger. It can be a very dangerous state of mind.

STRESS RELIEF

Assertiveness is a planned, constructive use of anger that gets us what we want or need without losing control or damaging relationships. (See Chapter 7 for more on converting anger to assertiveness.)

Recognizing Anger

For many of us, anger is a chameleon (a lizard that can change colors to blend into its background). Your experience and expression of it will depend on your beliefs, your views of yourself, and the source of your frustration. It may be easier to control anger at your boss than to suppress your frustration with a sibling.

So if anger can take on different forms, how can we detect it in ourselves? What clues do we look for? The following table outlines some signs and symptoms that may reflect anger.

If it’s too threatening to be open with our anger, we can always express it in other ways. This indirect expression is often called passive-aggression, a pattern of sabotaging the object of our anger by doing the opposite of what he or she wants. We may drag our heels after making a verbal commitment, make frequent critical remarks, and verbally agree (“sure, whatever”) but inwardly remain defiant—with excuses like being “sick” for being late. Although not as outwardly hostile, this way of expressing anger is just as real and can be just as damaging.

At the extreme, there are perpetual “victims,” those who have developed the habit of accepting their powerlessness and resigning themselves to their emotional discomfort and pain. The flip side is the need to avoid responsibility and blame; after all, through no fault of their own, they have been mistreated. Those stuck in the victim role are hard to cheer up or help; they won’t cooperate. They are more likely to sulk or try to cause someone to feel guilty instead of openly expressing anger—and they reject helpful suggestions offered to them.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Good friends aren’t good at everything! Studies at the University of Virginia have shown that hidden anger is more easily noticed by mere acquaintances than close friends, perhaps because friends don’t want a relationship to be threatened by anger, or because friends don’t want to be viewed in an unflattering light by a pal.

Misdirected Anger

When we feel angry, we may avoid expressing anger toward one person and instead express it toward someone “safer.” For example, a person may have a bad day at the office and come home and argue with their spouse or partner. People have long believed that repressed anger, hidden in the mind, will leak out—displaced—causing rifts with innocent scapegoats. Unfortunately, the scapegoat is often a close confidant, the person with whom we feel safest. So how do we avoid hurting the ones we love?

ANXIETY ATTACK

Anger often masks our deepest fears. In an anger-inducing situation, ask yourself what deep fears it might be stirring in you.

The Personal Cost of Anger

What about the personal cost of anger? Anger can disrupt our mental health; in fact, some believe that chronic depression can be caused by anger turned inward.

From a physical standpoint, chronic or frequent anger puts pressure on the cardiovascular system, leading some experts to claim that chronic anger kills. And the effects are even more serious for people who already have heart or blood pressure problems. In addition, research has shown that when we are angry, our blood prepares to clot in anticipation of a wound. This can prove fatal to people who have narrowed or blocked arteries.

It seems that our anger response was designed for emergencies, not for our everyday routines. Our bodies are simply not designed to be constantly angry.

STRESS RELIEF

It’s not easy to see things clearly when we are emotionally charged. If it’s not possible to walk away and take a “time out,” take yourself away in your mind, using visual imagery to approach the problem with a wider perspective.

Remaining Balanced

Does anger ever help us? Of course! The feelings of control and righteousness that come from anger can motivate us to challenge and change difficult interpersonal and social injustices. If handled correctly, our anger can motivate others to help us. Anger can help us overcome feelings of vulnerability and release tensions and frustrations. It can provide the energy and resolve necessary to defend ourselves when we’ve been wronged or threatened.

On the other hand, acting immediately on all of our angry feelings, without choosing from a range of thoughtful responses, will leave us with few friends and possible heart problems. The goal is to allow anger to do its job and let the rational mind do its job. A negotiation between anger and rational thinking will give you the best balance available.

Anger is an emotion designed to alert us to something that may require attention. Don’t make the mistake of assuming your anger must be acted upon. Instead, as with anxiety, we should acknowledge anger and consider why it’s there.

STRESS RELIEF

Giving people a “heads-up” when challenging emotions are wreaking havoc on your self-control can help minimize relationship damage. For instance, an “I’m sorry, I’m having a really bad day today, please excuse me if I seem rude” can prevent others from taking your remarks personally.

Another way of looking at anger is to liken it to a crying baby. We should acknowledge the noise and think carefully about the best way of proceeding, gently holding the baby and calming it down, while we check to see what the real problem is and tell ourselves, “It could be nothing, or there may be a real problem. Let’s see.”

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Anger—in moderation—does have an upside. In studies, people who responded to challenging circumstances with fear suffered more stress as time passed than those who reacted with anger.

What to Do with Anger

Effective anger management involves responding appropriately when we become angry, as well as structuring our everyday lives to decrease the likelihood that we will become angry. It may be helpful to manage your anger by …

• Dealing with irritating daily hassles so that they don’t build up over time.
• Avoiding aggressive movies or TV shows, hostile or resentful company, or negative self-talk.
• Developing calming habits like meditation or yoga.
• Calmly disrupting destructive thoughts and fantasies.
• Keeping a daily gratitude journal (for example, writing down five things you’re grateful for each day).
• Rewarding yourself for staying in control of your anger, and keeping track of any negative consequences for outbursts.
• Distracting your thoughts with humor.
• Learning to monitor your thoughts to keep them from feeding your anger.

But what about the times when anger rises suddenly? What about unfair situations that need to be addressed, limits that need to be set, or verbal abuse that needs to be stopped? In the next chapter, we look at the art of assertiveness and how we can express our anger in a way that will maximize the odds that we will get what we want.

For now, the trick is to give yourself enough time to keep your emotions from leading you to harm. The first step, of course, is becoming aware of your anger; the sooner you notice it, the less likely it will get out of control. And the best way to do this is to start connecting what happens, your thoughts about it, how you feel about it, and what you do.

ANXIETY ATTACK

Imagine that anger opens an options menu, like on a computer screen. We could select the best option, rather than automatically using the defaults that our feelings suggest.

Anger Diary

An anger diary or journal is one of the best ways to keep track of your relationship with anger. To get the most out of such a diary, make daily entries that document the following information for each anger-provoking event:

• What happened?
• What provoked the situation?
• What thoughts were going through my mind?
• On a scale of 0–10, how angry did I feel?
• What did I do?
• What were the consequences of my behavior for me and others?
• Was I already keyed up or stressed about something else? If so, what?
• What physical symptoms did I have?
• What was my first impulse (what did I want to do immediately)?
• How did I feel immediately after the episode?
• How do I feel about it now?

After recording this information for 14 days, look back through it and see what recurring themes or “triggers” make you mad. For many of us, the themes will look something like this:

• Other people doing or not doing what I expect them to do (spouse not listening, customer taking up too much of my time)
• Situational events that get in my way (repeated interruptions at work, traffic jams, car problems)
• People taking advantage of me (boss requesting too much from me, family member asking to borrow money again)
• Being angry and disappointed in myself (acting in ways that I’m ashamed of, failing to get an assignment or promotion)

Also look for anger-triggering thoughts that recur. We can recognize these particular thoughts because they will generally involve one or more of the following themes:

• The perception that I have been victimized or harmed.
• The belief that the person who provoked me meant me harm.
• The belief that another person was wrong and that he or she should have behaved differently.
• The belief that life is “not fair”—for example, another person is getting more than his or her share in life while I am getting less than I deserve.

Use your anger diary to identify instances when you felt harm was done to you, why you thought the act was done deliberately, and why you thought that it was wrong.

Tracking your thoughts will also help you begin to see the underlying assumptions that guide those automatic thoughts. We discuss assumptions—and how to deal with them—in Chapter 9. For now, here are some examples of underlying assumptions that lead to angry thoughts and negative feelings:

• People don’t care about me.
• People demand/expect too much of me.
• People try to take advantage of me.
• People think only of themselves.
• People don’t treat me the way I should be treated.
• People don’t give me the help I need.
• People try to control or manipulate me.

And here are some situations in which these assumptions are likely to occur:

• When stating a difference of opinion
• While receiving and expressing negative feelings
• While dealing with someone who is being uncooperative
• While talking about something that irritates or annoys you
• While disclosing sensitive information
• When saying “no” or standing up for yourself
• While responding to undeserved criticism
• When asking for cooperation

Most people find a few thoughts that frequently trigger their anger. Look for situations that trigger your anger, and see whether you can identify the particular set of thoughts that really send you over the edge.

The purpose of your diary is to help you identify patterns of behavior and specific recurring situations that really “push your buttons.” The more accurately you can observe your feelings and behaviors and the more detailed your anger diary, the more likely you will be able to identify anger triggers and how you react to them. Of course, the bigger goal is to use this insight so that you can plan more productive strategies for responding to these feelings.

Pause Before Acting

As you’ve discovered, anger-triggering thoughts occur automatically and almost instantaneously. It takes some conscious work to identify these thoughts and to substitute something more accurate or useful.

For example, imagine you ask your spouse how his day went and he snaps at you. It’s hard to step back and take notice of your physical reaction when your first impulse is to snap back. However, taking a deep breath and noticing your stress symptoms gives you some perspective on the situation; it allows you to look at the situation more objectively, instead of going with your first impulse to attack. You may consider all the possible explanations for his outburst: perhaps he had a bad day; maybe he’s still upset after the argument you had this morning; and so on. It doesn’t mean you excuse his behavior or justify his actions; considering all the possibilities just gives you the freedom to seek more information—and take care of yourself in the process—before reacting.

In this chapter, we have examined the emotion of anger: what it is, how it affects us, and what we can do about it. For better or worse, anger is a powerful motivator; at its best it can help eliminate a sense of vulnerability and motivate us to take much-needed action. In the next chapter, we take a look at two “actions” that are often paired—procrastination and assertiveness—and how we can become active to make our lives better.

The Least You Need to Know

• Anger is a powerful motivator that you can use to your benefit or to your detriment.
• Anxiety can make it harder to control your anger, and being afraid of your anger can make you anxious.
• How you experience—and express—your anger is influenced by your inborn temperament and by what you’ve learned.
• Effective anger management requires you to investigate your triggers and how you respond to them.
• Daily monitoring of your frustration level can be a powerful tool in anger management.