Understanding Core Beliefs and Their Impact
In This Chapter
- Discovering your hidden assumptions
- Getting to the core of your “self”
- Finding out how believing affects seeing
- Identifying dysfunctional beliefs that cause anxiety
- Resetting your core belief system
A second spouse should be better than his predecessor. A new spouse should be able to step right into the role as parent to her stepchildren.
Imagine the pressure you would put on a remarriage if you automatically expected it to be better than the first, or if you assumed a step-parenting role should be effortless. Odds are this attitude would make it much more likely you’d wind up divorcing again. On the other hand, if you recognized that your past relationship history is less important than building a strong relationship with your new partner, or if you expected it to take some time for family members to adjust with a new stepparent, you’d be off to a better start.
In the preceding chapter, we discussed how your everyday thoughts can get off track and raise your anxiety level. These mental behaviors are shaped by your core beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Often, at an early age you develop theories about how life works and what it takes to survive and thrive. In this chapter, we examine beliefs that can make life harder than it has to be—and how you can replace dysfunctional assumptions with empowering ideas.
A belief is something that you assume to be true. It’s different from a fact, which can be objectively verified. For instance, if you drop an apple from a tree, it will fall to the ground. This is a fact that can be observed and repeated. It doesn’t matter what kind of tree you have climbed or the size or color of the apple. On the other hand, you could have different beliefs about why this is. You could subscribe to the most popular explanation—gravity—or you could come up with another theory.
Beliefs come from two sources: your own experience and reflections, and from what other people tell you. Either way, beliefs serve an important purpose. They anchor your understanding of the world around you, giving you a sense of predictability and control. They drive how you behave and influence how you feel. By the time you’re an adult, you have multiple beliefs that affect your sense of reality. If you believe that people are basically good, you are likely to be trusting and trustworthy. This may make it easy for you to develop friends and close relationships. On the other hand, if you assume that this is always true, you may be taken advantage of.
MYTH BUSTER
“Beliefs shouldn’t change.” Whereas some beliefs may be sacred, others, such as a person’s political views or beliefs about himself or his capabilities, change with time. In fact, it’s natural to modify your beliefs whenever you receive more information.
When you form a belief, you often stick with it despite contradictory evidence. For example, in one research study, participants were told to find certain letters (B, E, and R) and certain numbers (5, 6, and 8). In phase two, they were told to find certain letter-number combinations with the instruction that B and 6 would never occur together. When questioned later, 40 percent said they had doubted the honesty of the researcher’s instruction. These participants were significantly more likely to report seeing the “B-6” combination even though it was not there. Seeing isn’t just believing; rather, beliefs affect what you see.
From this perspective, the visible aspects of your daily life—the things you think, the feelings you have, the things you do—are the part of the iceberg that is above the surface. What lies below your thoughts, feelings, and actions are your core beliefs. Whether they are stated or unstated, whether you are conscious of them or not, your core beliefs are principles you live by that affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
STRESS RELIEF
Ask yourself, “What do I believe is true even though I cannot prove it?” That’s a good way to get at some of the core beliefs that shape your perceptions and responses in your everyday life.
Core Beliefs
I have to be perfect in order to be loved. I must be liked by everyone I meet. I can’t take care of myself. If I show vulnerability or weakness, I will be rejected.
Imagine the anxiety these beliefs can generate. And yet many of us have at least one of these lurking in our psyches. Just as you develop strong beliefs about the world around you, you develop some pretty fixed ideas about yourself. A child whose parents are overwhelmed may feel like the only way to get approval is to be “strong” or “tough.” Another who faces frequent criticism may come to doubt her ability to make sound decisions, ultimately concluding that she can’t trust her own instincts or judgment.
Unfortunately, as we’ve seen, you can fail to challenge or reexamine assumptions about yourself or the way the world works, even when these assumptions are causing you worry and anxiety. Instead, you may continue to draw false conclusions about yourself and selectively “tune in” any data in your environment that supports these assumptions—however negative or self-defeating they may be.
Examining your core beliefs about yourself is perhaps the most important step in reducing anxiety and leading a happier life. Dysfunctional self-beliefs cause you to misinterpret what happens to you, block you from achieving your goals, create extreme negative emotions, and can lead to counterproductive behaviors. In fact, one definition of a dysfunctional belief is any belief that makes life harder, limits your options, and/or magnifies negative emotions.
ON THE CUTTING EDGE
Studies suggest that some of our beliefs are influenced by our culture. For example, American culture values uniqueness and individualism; not surprisingly, Americans tend to take personal credit for their successes and to see themselves as exceptional. In Asian countries, on the other hand, loyalty to family and relationships is vital; as a result, individuals are more likely to believe personal success comes through strong affiliation with one’s group, teamwork, and collaboration.
Common Beliefs for Anxiety Sufferers
Those of us with anxiety often have core beliefs about perfectionism, approval, and control. Based on these beliefs, we’ve developed a personal code of conduct—unwritten rules that you must live by in order to feel loved and accepted by yourself and others. Although these probably served you well at some point in your life, it’s easy to get stuck in them and live by them long after their usefulness has expired. See whether some of these beliefs resonate with you:
- I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant, or frightening; otherwise, they might happen.
- I must always have the love and approval of those around me.
- I must “earn” the love of others through success and accomplishments.
- I cannot make a decision without the approval of the people around me.
- I should be upset by other people’s problems.
- It is better to avoid conflict or tension than to face up to it and risk rejection.
Another problematic belief system that plagues many anxiety sufferers has to do with our beliefs about our feelings. Beliefs that negative emotions are bad, destructive, or intolerable often have a boomerang effect. Rather than help you avoid unpleasant feelings, these beliefs can increase your anxiety. Believing that feeling out of control means you are out of control can quickly increase your anxiety.
ANXIETY ATTACK
Want to discover your basic beliefs about yourself? Write out your life story. What are the themes in your story? What kind of “character” are you? Do you describe yourself as competent or incompetent, trustworthy or untrustworthy, lovable or unlovable?
Common Dysfunctional Beliefs About Emotions
One clue that your core beliefs about emotions are working against you is when you find your emotions snowballing in response to your thoughts. You may have negative emotions, become concerned about them, and then feel worse. Some of the most common dysfunctional beliefs about emotions include the following:
- Fear is a sign of weakness.
- It is wrong to feel angry at the people I love.
- Feeling bad means my life is out of control.
- I can’t stand feeling uncomfortable or anxious.
- If I feel guilty, I must be guilty.
- I should always be in control of how I feel.
Just as we discussed in the last chapter, changing core beliefs requires insight and realism; it’s not a blindly optimistic approach to life. For example, everyone feels fear, anger, and guilt; the trick is to use these feelings as signals to make your life better or take a different path. You can start reducing their power by reframing beliefs as preferences. It would be nice to never feel angry at the people you love. You would prefer to always be in control of your emotions. It would be great if everyone always loved and approved of you. But it’s okay if things don’t always work out that way! Because they won’t.
What core beliefs do you have about yourself? Are they working for you? If you often find yourself bogged down by disappointment or self-criticism, perhaps it’s time to look deeper at your beliefs about yourself.
MYTH BUSTER
“I can’t change who I am.” You can change what you do. In fact, many people find that changing their behavior results in unexpected benefits, including calmer emotions, higher self-esteem, and more positive thinking.
Effects of Core Beliefs
Two core beliefs about yourself, in particular, predict how happy and how successful you will be. These beliefs have to do with how lovable and how capable you believe you are. Clues about these core beliefs can often be found in memories of your early childhood, especially when you examine how you learned to gain acceptance and attention. What were you taught about being lovable? Did you get love through self-sacrifice or by denying negative or painful emotions? What messages did you get about being powerful and responsible? Were you encouraged to take ownership for mistakes, to blame others, or to punish yourself for minor errors?
For better or worse, these early messages often solidify into core beliefs and can guide the way you approach most situations. For example, beliefs about competency and ownership might lead to very different attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. Seeing yourself as competent is likely to lead you to take on new challenges, to try new things, and to have confidence in yourself. On the other hand, seeing yourself as incapable is likely to lead to a self-defeating approach whereby you either avoid new situations or quickly give up when faced with setbacks or challenges.
Beliefs About Others
We’ve already seen how core beliefs about yourself can either cause you needless suffering or help you withstand the ups and downs of everyday life. So, too, can your core beliefs about others.
For instance, support from friends and family can play a critical role in recovering from an anxiety disorder. And yet many anxiety sufferers have core beliefs about relationships that prevent them from getting the support they need. You may hide your symptoms for years, putting on a false front that hides your loneliness and pain. You may lie to avoid a threatening situation because you don’t trust the other person to “handle” the truth or accept you the way you really are (even if they already know and do accept you the way you are).
Or you may go to the other extreme, depending upon your support person so much that you never have the chance to work through your fears and recognize your own strength. Relying exclusively on one person to support your recovery is likely to lead to disappointment on your part and resentment on the part of your support person. You may pull your family into spending too much time trying to help you, failing to see any progress. You may blame yourself instead of realizing that you have picked a person who is unavailable or unwilling to accept you; a good support person is someone who will help you in a productive way while also encouraging you to be responsible for your own emotional well-being.
As you begin to examine how you see other people, bear in mind that your beliefs, even those that are deeply held from infancy, are only beliefs. They are assumptions you work with until you know better. Then you can change them.
One of the deepest needs we humans can have is the need for control. We long for consistency, understanding, closure—anything that will give us a feeling of predictability. In fact, feeling out of control can be one of the scariest experiences a person can have. When you think about life stressors, it’s the feeling of powerlessness, of being unable to do anything about what’s happening, that is often the most difficult part to handle.
However, for those of us who are anxiety-prone, the need to be in control can mask a deep-seated fear of losing control. This fear can take many forms: fear of losing control to illness, fear of being dominated or controlled in a relationship, or fear of acting weird or embarrassing oneself during a panic attack. It’s amazing how skillful some of us can become at acting in control when we are intensely anxious.
What kind of core beliefs might contribute to these fears? They may relate to beliefs about your vulnerability. Deep down, you may question your ability to handle life’s unexpected challenges, in spite of evidence that you have done so on many occasions. I couldn’t handle that, you think as you worry about some possible catastrophe. I would just die, you think as you imagine yourself screaming and running out of a place where you’ve just had a panic attack. I don’t know what I’d do, you think as you imagine someone ridiculing your social discomfort or laughing at your public-speaking anxiety.
Underneath are core beliefs that tell you (1) you are vulnerable, and (2) the world is dangerous, and you have to be on your guard. Challenging these core beliefs is an important part of increasing your sense of personal safety. As anxiety sufferers, you can—and you have—handled tougher times than many people ever will. You don’t have to put up emotional roadblocks to protect yourself from the possibility of rejection or from being dominated by others; you can set limits or reevaluate your relationship status at any time. You also need to remind yourself of all the things you have accomplished at the same time you have been riddled with anxiety; a friend of Joni’s told her recently that during the friend’s worst bouts with generalized anxiety, she threw two of her sons’ birthday parties, was room mother for both boys, and had a successful part-time business!
Challenging core beliefs may mean rethinking your ideas of what “handling” means. For example, it doesn’t mean you don’t have painful feelings about problems or upsetting events. Few people sail through life without some degree of emotional pain; perhaps “handling” should mean you continue to do the things you need and want to do in spite of how you feel.
Core Beliefs Are Persistent
At the beginning of the chapter, we reviewed some core beliefs about remarriage that could make it harder to stick with a new partner during normally tough times. We also saw how hidden these core beliefs can be, superficially revealing themselves through painful feelings or negative thoughts. And yet if you focus solely on changing the surface, without addressing the rest of the iceberg below, you’re likely to develop new versions (thoughts, feelings, or actions) of the old problem (fundamental beliefs about your lack of worth or capability).
Negative core beliefs are most likely to pop to the surface when you’re feeling the worst. What are the things you tell yourself when you’re feeling your worst? You’re not looking for the things you think you should believe about yourself, but what you really do believe about yourself when things look darkest—things such as I’m never going to be a success. No one will ever love me. There’s something wrong with me. I can’t seem to do anything right. People will take advantage of me if you don’t watch them very carefully. Women always leave me in the end. No one cares about me. The world is dangerous and unpredictable. These statements are big clues to what these negative core beliefs are.
Another shortcut to identifying these beliefs is to look at what is happening in your life. What results are you getting? If you have a string of disappointing romantic relationships, you may have a core belief about women or men that is clouding your judgment about who you get involved with or how you handle relationships. If you put off getting professional assistance even though you’ve tried several self-help strategies, and anxiety is still causing lots of difficulty, you may have negative core beliefs about asking for help and/or trusting others. Remember, you may be attracted to people and situations that fit with your core beliefs.
STRESS RELIEF
For those of us who have a need for control, anger can be seductive because it makes us feel powerful. Take some time to look underneath the anger; the feelings and thoughts you uncover can provide valuable information about your core beliefs.
Being able to change your thoughts and your responses to them is perhaps the very essence of being in control of yourself. No one can take that away from you. No matter how hard it is to believe, you do choose your beliefs, and at some point in your life they may have served you well. They may have protected your self-esteem, and they may have provided you a sense of predictability and certainty. But they may have outlived their usefulness.
However, until named, negative core beliefs are often experienced as “feelings.” Worriers, for instance, are often responding to a number of beliefs that cause you a lot of anxiety. If I think it, then it must be true is a common belief in response to a frightening thought or scary possibility. In reality, of course, all of us have occasional irrational thoughts. And that’s all they are—just thoughts.
I have to be in control to be safe is an underlying belief that exacerbates fear in the face of unpredictability or uncertainty. Again, in reality, how you play the hand you’re dealt is the best predictor of happiness and success. You often aren’t the one dealing the cards.
ANXIETY ATTACK
Another way to get at your core beliefs is to complete the following sentences: I am _______. People are _______. The world is _________.
Correcting Core Beliefs
Your core beliefs weren’t born yesterday, and they won’t go away tomorrow. It takes a lot of energy and work to challenge some fundamental assumptions about yourself and the world around you. In the midst of your anxiety, you may not have the internal resources to tackle a longer-term project such as this one; what you can do, though, is to start paying attention to the core beliefs that rear their heads during your toughest times.
As you feel calmer and more secure, you can begin to actively challenge your unhelpful core beliefs. You can remind yourself that your beliefs are merely assumptions you have made about the way things are. You can acknowledge that your core beliefs may have helped you make sense of your world but are no longer helpful. You can look at what you want out of life and come up with core beliefs that would help you get it. I am worthy of love. I deserve to be treated well. I am a strong, capable person. I can make my own decisions. I can handle tough times and unpleasant emotions.
Several strategies can help you tackle dysfunctional core beliefs; many of them are discussed in this book. Keeping your values up front (see Chapter 4) can give you the motivation to keep at what seems like a daunting task. You can use the restructuring tips we discussed in Chapter 8 to help you replace negative core beliefs with more realistic ones.
STRESS RELIEF
Ask questions that cause you to rethink your assumptions. Is the problem really a problem? Is what I am doing or thinking working for me? What should I stop or start thinking or doing to change my situation?
The overall message in this chapter is that you do have control over what’s really important—your thoughts and your actions. No matter how firmly entrenched your thought patterns, or how deeply ingrained your behavior, you can steer yourself in a different, more peaceful direction. In fact, new research shows that even personality traits, once believed to be “set” by an early age, are more malleable than you once thought. In the next chapter, we take a look at anxiety-related personality traits and how you can let go of perfectionism and the need for approval.
ANXIETY ATTACK
When you feel a negative emotion rising, ask yourself, “What could I be telling myself that causes this feeling?” When you identify the self-talk, ask, “What assumption or belief would have to be in place to support this kind of talk?” You can then begin to tackle the core belief.
The Least You Need to Know
- Beliefs are assumptions you believe to be true.
- Everyday thoughts, feelings, and actions give you clues about your core beliefs.
- Dysfunctional beliefs limit your options and cause unnecessary stress and anxiety.
- Anxiety sufferers often have negative core beliefs about their self-worth and ability to handle life’s ups and downs.
- You can learn to identify negative core beliefs by paying attention to what you tell yourself when you are feeling down and by examining counterproductive patterns of behavior.