CHAPTER
8

Taming Your Thoughts

In This Chapter

• Discover how actively we produce our inner dialogue
• Investigate the relationship between thoughts and feelings
• Discover how to correct the thinking errors that fuel anxiety
• Learn how to make pessimism work in your favor

Too much anxiety might be bad for a person but good for business. A typical marketing strategy is to create mild anxiety in potential customers and then offer a product or service to manage that anxiety. Several years ago, a popular clothing company introduced “anxiety zones” as a way to classify all of their women’s swimsuits. (Worried about your too-big tummy? Buy this suit! For your too-small bust, buy this other one!)

Similarly, television news programs use careful wording to conjure up fears that need to be tamed with further viewing. Gavin de Becker identified some of these phrases: “Officials are worried,” “We’ve identified a new threat,” “Disturbing new questions are being raised,” and “Many Americans think that X will happen,” for example.

American popular culture is permeated with such messages of fear. For some of us, everyday life can be like this, too. Some of us seem to have an inner monologue stuck on alert, constantly monitoring our environment for threats and having “what if” conversations in response to the slightest worry. Without question, being prepared for trouble can be helpful. However, when our inner voice is too quick to jump to conclusions, we can find ourselves plummeting deeper and deeper into an anxious state of mind. Small fears can become huge catastrophes merely in response to what we tell ourselves.

In this chapter, we discuss the relationship between our thoughts and our feelings. Specifically, we investigate thinking styles that have a calming effect as well as some common thinking styles that magnify anxiety. And you’ll find out how to think in a more helpful way.

Thinking About Thoughts

In many ways, it’s hard to think about thoughts. By the time we’re adults, they happen so automatically that they seem to be the correct “take” on reality, or at least a central part of who we are. How often do you think of yourself as the author of your thoughts? Unfortunately, most of us feel more like an audience member than an author.

In reality, though, we are the authors of our internal play. We write the script and develop the characters. More and more, psychologists and psychiatrists consider thoughts to be mental behaviors, perhaps to emphasize how actively we participate in them and how much we can change them. Just as we can quit a bad habit such as smoking or overeating, we can get rid of self-defeating or counterproductive mental habits.

But how can we tell whether a thought is “bad” for us? Often our feelings provide the clues. For example, if we heard a celebrity warning people about how much sugar is in our usual breakfast cereal, we might think, “Too much sugar is bad for me, and my health will suffer from it.” If we made a mental note of it and decided just to buy a different cereal next time, no harm done. On the other hand, if these thoughts resulted in sleepless nights and crippling anxiety about how much sugar we had already eaten in the old cereal or how much might still have been lurking in the new cereal, perhaps our worries were obsessive.

Many anxiety sufferers have a habit of making mountains out of molehills, getting so caught up in what-ifs that they lose the ability to enjoy the here and now. For example, pretend you just found out that you didn’t get accepted to your number-one college choice. Here’s your reaction: “Oh, my god. I didn’t get into NYU. This is terrible! I was sure I would be accepted—the admissions director told me I was just the kind of student she was looking for! What if I don’t get into any of the colleges I applied to? I bet I won’t. I should have applied to more! Why was I so lazy?”

As you can see, negative thinking can take hold and snowball. What starts as a simple disappointment can turn into a cascade of worry and defeating ideas. Imagine the anxiety we might feel—rather than normal sadness or disappointment—if we view one incident as a sign that all is lost, or the future is doomed. Our thoughts have a profound effect on our anxiety.

STRESS RELIEF

Keep a journal! Research shows that people who write down their anxieties in a journal are healthier and better able to cope with stresses. As an experiment, write for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days about your deepest thoughts and feelings concerning the most stressful aspects of your life.

Thinking Errors

In the previous example, we turned disappointment over one college’s rejection into worry and fear by imagining the worst-case scenario—that we might not get accepted by any college. This is an example of a cognitive distortion, a faulty thinking pattern that distorts the reality of a situation. Cognitive distortions have a certain logic, but they do not take into account all of the facts. They can also create a lot of unnecessary anxiety and worry. In fact, by learning to identify the distortions or mistakes in our thinking process, we can combat anxiety by recognizing that what we are afraid of is unlikely, and the reality is not that bad.

For example, you have to give a presentation to a group of potential customers next week. You’re presenting on a new product line, so the content of your talk is new to you. Cognitive distortions could make your life miserable before (“I’m not a good presenter, I know I’ll bomb this”), during (“Look at that guy’s frown; I know he thinks I’m an idiot”), and after (“I can’t believe I forgot to show that last slide”). The problem is that our anxiety or stress level may have no connection to the reality of the situation.

Almost everyone automatically generates cognitive distortions at times. They are particularly rampant in those who struggle with anxiety. On the bright side, they’re so prevalent that psychologists have made tremendous strides in identifying them and devising ways to overcome them. We briefly covered some of these in Chapter 3; let’s take a closer look at how you can prevent them from impacting you on a daily basis. Some of the most common cognitive distortions follow:

• Catastrophic thinking happens when we turn a molehill into a mountain. For example, individuals with panic attacks often believe they are dying, having a heart attack, or going “crazy.” Although panic symptoms feel dangerous, they really aren’t. Believing they’re dangerous, though, makes it harder to cope with them.
• Black-and-white thinking is when we think thoughts such as “If I’m not perfectly safe and totally free from harm, then I’m in utter danger and completely vulnerable to harm.” This kind of thinking operates in extremes; it’s all or nothing. In reality, most situations are somewhere in between completely safe and too dangerous.
• Disqualifying the positive happens when you reject the positive experiences you’ve had (they don’t count) or ignore the good feedback you get. “He only said I did a good job on that presentation because he feels sorry for me.”
• Emotional reasoning happens when you decide that what you feel must really reflect reality. “I feel like I’m going to crack up!” means I’m really out of my mind. The reality: feelings often overwhelm our ability to see things objectively.
• Fortune telling happens when you act as if your worst fears will certainly come true. “I just know I’ll have a panic attack while I’m driving—I’ll have a wreck and maybe kill someone. So I don’t drive.” Reality check: plenty of people drive while they’re anxious, and panic attacks don’t usually cause wrecks.
• Labeling is a form of all-or-nothing thinking applied to ourselves. It occurs when we give a global label to ourselves (for example, telling ourselves “I’m inadequate!” instead of seeing an obstacle as a challenge—and recognizing that we’ve faced challenges before).
• Mind reading is when we assume that others are reacting negatively to us—even when we have no evidence. (“Everyone can see how nervous I am at this party.”)
• Magnification/minimization happens when we distort the significance of particular events. For example, we focus on all our minor mistakes but ignore our accomplishments/successes.
• Overgeneralization happens when one negative event means that nothing will go well. (“I had another panic attack. I’ll never get better.”)
• Personalization means relating negative events to oneself even when there is no basis. For example, the CEO doesn’t speak to us when we encounter her in the hall, and we automatically interpret this as a snub. In reality, she may have been preoccupied about something else or not felt well.
• “Should” statements are when we tell ourselves that things should be the way we hoped or expected them to be rather than accepting what is. (“I shouldn’t feel so anxious and afraid; no one else feels this way.” “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes.”)

Having thought “conversations” with ourselves is pretty normal; in fact, we all do it. But if we let our thoughts take on an unhealthy attitude, one that is working against us rather than for us, it’s time to turn our internal conversation back to reality rather than let it engage in a running, negative commentary.

Restructuring Thoughts

So how do we catch those negative thoughts and turn them around? Obviously, we have to start by paying attention to our thoughts. Thought awareness is the first step in managing negative thoughts; we cannot manage thoughts we are unaware of.

The words we use to talk to ourselves can provide valuable clues about how productive—or not—our thinking is. For example, “what if?” is often the first sign that we are making negative predictions about the future. One what-if thought can quickly lead to another, resulting in a spiral of worry. Other examples of negative thoughts involve putting ourselves down, doubting ourselves, expecting failure, and criticizing our mistakes. The accompanying self-talk often involves phrases such as I should, I never, or I always. Negative thinking damages confidence, harms performance, and paralyzes mental skills.

Catching negative thoughts takes conscious effort. In fact, in the beginning, it helps to write them down. By logging our negative thoughts for a reasonable period of time, we can start to identify negative thinking patterns. This process also slows down automatic thoughts and allows us to take the role of observer (or investigator) rather than participant. It can also help us see the link between our emotions and our thoughts; in fact, when we start tracking our negative thoughts, we may initially start with “bad” feelings and work our way backward. It can be surprising to find that negative thoughts often lead to upsetting feelings rather than the other way around.

When we start analyzing and understanding our counterproductive thoughts and their sources, the real work begins. We have to put them “on trial,” gathering evidence that both supports and disputes these thoughts.

For example, Sara lost her father to cancer when she was 10. As an adult, she is terrified of getting sick; whenever she has any physical symptoms, she finds her thoughts spinning out of control. “I feel dizzy. Maybe it’s a brain tumor.”

She’s diligent about getting it checked out, but finds it hard to accept her doctor’s reassurance. “Maybe she missed something. Maybe the MRI scan is wrong.” Not surprisingly, her worry and anxiety actually increase her physical symptoms, which, in turn, increase her worry and anxiety.

For Sara, doing a reality check meant taking an objective look at the evidence. Her dizziness, she found, increased when she was under stress. Over time, Sara began to see the role her misinterpretation of anxiety symptoms had in perpetuating her fear and was able to substitute more realistic thought processes. She also became better at observing her thoughts, much like a friend would listen to someone’s fears and concerns. “There are those anxiety thoughts again,” she would tell herself, instead of interpreting those thoughts as real or letting them control her mood.

Cognitive restructuring requires us to develop a greater awareness of our thoughts and our moods. It also involves replacing counterproductive thinking with realistic thoughts. This is not a “look on the bright side” panacea. It’s impossible for most of us to go from fearful to optimistic thinking. Sara couldn’t just tell herself, “There’s no way I have brain cancer.” But she could take a realistic look at the evidence and begin to replace her catastrophic thoughts with balanced ones. Often this requires us to get at the core beliefs underneath our worries. In Sara’s case, she believed the following:

If my father had cancer, I am destined to have it.

Reality: Heredity is rarely destiny. Although some illnesses have a genetic component, the fact that a parent has a life-threatening illness does not automatically mean a child will get it.

Physical symptoms are always a sign of serious illness.

Reality: The average person experiences about two or three inexplicable twinges, pains, aches, or odd symptoms every day.

If I do have cancer, it is sure to be inoperable and fatal.

Reality: Many cancer patients recover. In fact, overall, 50 percent of cancer patients eventually die of something else.

If my doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me, it was because they missed something.

Reality: The odds of a neurological exam, MRI, and complete physical workup missing a brain tumor are astronomically in Sara’s favor. In this day of proactive medicine (and malpractice lawsuits), doctors are more likely to rule out any diseases that can kill the patient first and then work their way down to less serious diseases.

Use the thought restructuring worksheet to identify and start to correct your own cognitive errors. Feel free to make as many copies as you’d like! To practice, fill in the first copy with information about Sara’s provoking situation, emotions, automatic thoughts, cognitive distortions, and more adaptive alternative thoughts.

ANXIETY ATTACK

Having trouble telling moods from thoughts? Moods can usually be expressed in one word: happy, sad, mad, or anxious. But thoughts are more complex, needing several words to express them (I’ll never get that promotion; he’s saying that because he knows it gets to me).

By discovering the basic belief that underpins a negative thought and then challenging that belief, thinking can return to a more objective, reasonable style. One way to uncover these beliefs is to ask yourself questions such as “Where does this thought come from?” In fact, we can use what-if thinking in our favor. Try this technique to find the core beliefs underneath your worries. Write down your what-if thought. Then ask yourself, “What if that did happen?” Write your answer. Then ask again, “What if that did happen?” Write it down. Keep going until you find your core belief, the belief that is at the root of your fears. For most of us, we uncover a deep-rooted fear of being rejected, hurt, or unloved. (We discuss how to deal with these in the next chapter.)

Defensive Pessimism: Preparing for the Sky to Fall

Cognitive restructuring, as discussed previously, involves challenging negative or counterproductive thoughts and replacing them with more rational, less anxiety-producing ones. Certainly, always seeing the dark clouds instead of the rainbow can take its toll on our mental disposition and, according to some studies, our physical health. However, according to Dr. Julie K. Norem, not all forms of pessimism are equal. Those of us who use our what-if thinking to prepare for upcoming events, for example, are just as successful as optimists.

Joni has a long-standing coping strategy—she imagines worst-case scenarios and makes plans to avoid or prevent them. If she had to give a speech, she would automatically imagine potential problems: perhaps I won’t be able to see my notes, what if I forget my opening lines, what if I suddenly lose my train of thought in the middle? In response to these anxiety-producing thoughts, she would over-prepare and memorize her opening lines; she even had a joke prepared just in case she drew a blank.

MYTH BUSTER

“What-if thinking is always bad.” It’s true that getting stuck in what-ifs is counter-productive; however, imagining worst-case scenarios can be useful if we then switch into planning mode and take action to prevent them.

Putting Worries to Good Use

Dr. Norem calls this strategy defensive pessimism and says it’s a common strategy for anxiety sufferers who don’t see life through rose-colored glasses. It’s an adaptive way of going with our natural flow, by putting our worries to good use. In other words, by imagining potential problems, we can develop strategies for dealing with or preventing negative outcomes.

For those of us who are natural worriers, this strategy can give us a sense of control over uncomfortable circumstances. We use our thinking to prompt creative problem-solving, rather than cause an anxiety buildup. Sometimes, lowering our expectations and preparing for the worst allows us to tackle potential challenges without the stress of high expectations.

Defensive pessimists take action to keep anxiety from leading to avoidance or self-sabotage. An avoider does not figure out how to plan for and overcome something that makes him feel anxious. As a result, he does not learn how to reduce his anxieties except by avoiding situations that lead to anxiety. Self-handicappers tend to procrastinate in response to anxiety; they are least likely to work on what is most important. Defensive pessimism does not simply mean having a bad attitude, such as “This job sucks.”

ANXIETY ATTACK

One way of controlling your amount of worry is to set aside a daily worry time. Give yourself 20 minutes a day to worry about anything and everything. When worries hit at any other time, tell yourself “stop” and remind yourself that you can deal with it at worry time.

Are You a Defensive Pessimist?

So how do you know whether you’re a defensive pessimist? Think about how you tend to approach a new situation or challenging situation. Do you naturally …

• Lower your expectations to protect yourself from disappointment?
• Make a point of not being overly confident in case you miss something or underprepare?
• Prefer to prepare up until the last minute rather than relax or do something else?
• Automatically imagine all the things that could go wrong?
• Think through every possible glitch or problem?
• Develop contingency plans for problems?
• Drive optimistic friends batty with anticipatory troubleshooting?

If you find yourself chuckling as you read these, the odds are you have a defensive coping strategy. You’ve developed a way to manage your anxiety in a way that keeps it from interfering with what you need to do. You’ve learned to tolerate anxiety in order to get things done.

However, it’s possible to go overboard with defensive pessimism. As with everything, taking it to extremes can be detrimental. Existential philosophers and psychologists remind us that persistently focusing on the past or attempting to control the future (busily anticipating disaster) can breed unhappiness. To maintain personal well-being and healthy relationships, we also need to be present in the moment.

Optimism

Optimism is not all bad. In fact, optimists tend to experience less stress and more positive emotions than pessimists. Arguing for negative thinking as a way to manage anxiety and prepare for worst-case scenarios is very different from arguing against positive thinking.

To some degree, optimism seems to be an inborn trait. It runs in families, although research has yet to shed light on what genes or brain chemistry is responsible.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Aiming for high self-esteem? Research suggests that perhaps we should strive for a happy medium. Although low self-esteem can be associated with depression and anxiety, high self-esteem is more common among people who treat others badly, such as committing violent crimes and fraud.

Still, the thinking habits we learn and cultivate are important. For instance, when faced with challenge or novelty, optimists set high expectations, and they actively avoid thinking about unpleasant possibilities; in fact, when forced to do so, their anxiety goes up. Optimists and pessimists also tend to explain problems to themselves in different ways. Optimists usually think of problems as temporary, external (“It’s not my fault”), and impacting a relatively small part of their world. Pessimists, on the other hand, more quickly conclude that problems are their fault, that they’re irreversible, and that they will have a major impact on their day-to-day lives.

The Pros and Cons of Optimism

There’s a trade-off with each viewpoint. Pessimists may have a more accurate view of situations and a clearer picture of their strengths and weaknesses. However, their realism may lead them to aim for easier-to-achieve goals. The optimist is more likely to persevere in the face of defeat and ultimately overcome problems. In addition, in situations where we have to “fill in the blanks,” or where there’s more than one possible explanation, pessimists may naturally gravitate toward the most devastating and the most personal story. Relationship breakups are but one example where there are often multiple causes and different perspectives; if we automatically assume blame and feel devastated every time a relationship ends, we may be less willing to take chances with future relationships.

So which is the best strategy? Do we accept our defensive pessimism and applaud ourselves for the productive avenue into which we’re channeling our anxiety? Or do we keep striving to be more upbeat and positive?

The best solution may be somewhere in the middle. First of all, optimism may come more easily as we overcome our anxiety; as long as we’re caught up in our symptoms, looking on the bright side may be difficult. At the same time, we can watch carefully to make sure our pessimism is strategic, that we’re using our what-ifs to make a plan, limiting our negative thoughts to events or situations (not ourselves), and controlling the amount of time we spend worrying about things.

Guidelines for Balancing Optimism and Pessimism

Here are some guidelines that might help:

• Don’t beat yourself up over negative thoughts; instead, mine them for useful information.
• Stop critical thoughts about yourself. When you find yourself putting yourself down, argue as forcefully against those thoughts as you would while defending a friend who was under verbal attack by your worst enemy.
• Separate feelings about a setback or mistake from the thoughts about it. Allowing yourself to feel the feelings (disappointment, worry, or sadness) can help prevent the catastrophic thoughts that often happen when thoughts and feelings get mixed up.
• Practice interpreting setbacks or mistakes as temporary difficulties that can be overcome.
• Immediately after a disappointment, do something pleasurable. Wait to think about your problems until you’re in a more positive frame of mind.

In this chapter, we’ve discussed the role our thoughts play in shaping our feelings and guiding our behavior. We’ve seen how automatic thoughts can fuel our anxiety without our even being aware. We’ve also investigated common thinking errors that tend to plague anxiety sufferers and how we can develop more realistic and useful thoughts.

Changing “bad” mental habits is hard. However, by paying attention to our inner conversations, we can become more aware of their power and evaluate the truth in what we tell ourselves. What can be harder to detect are the core beliefs that shape how we view ourselves and the world. Core beliefs lead us down certain daily thinking paths. In the next chapter, we examine core beliefs we’ve developed (often in childhood) and how to change problematic ones.

MYTH BUSTER

“Seeing the glass as half-empty means you can’t have a good life.” Although it’s great to see things in a positive way, there are some advantages to seeing life’s problems and challenges. Society needs people who know how to use caution in judgment—as long as your view of things leads to a positive outcome, such as safer driving or carefully planned business decisions.

The Least You Need to Know

• Our thoughts are mental behaviors that we can learn to change.
• Certain thinking habits distort reality and raise anxiety levels.
• By paying attention, we can learn to replace negative thoughts with realistic or more helpful alternatives.
• Defensive pessimism can work for us if we use it to overcome anxiety and make a plan for worst-case scenarios.
• Optimism seems to run in families but can be developed through practice, especially when we’re less anxious.