Personality Traits and Anxiety
In This Chapter
- How personality experts view personality traits
- Defining the “anxiety-prone personality”
- Finding out whether you’re a highly sensitive person
- Discovering strategies for tackling perfectionism and the need for approval
- Learning how to gracefully handle criticism
Considerable research suggests that certain personality traits and anxiety often go hand in hand. Personality traits—unique patterns of relating to the world around you—are thought to emerge from genetic predispositions, life experiences, and learning. Depending on the circumstances, personality traits can be helpful or a burden.
This chapter takes a look at the link between personality traits and anxiety. We cover how certain personality traits can predispose you to tension and worry. You’ll have the chance to see whether you’re a “highly sensitive person.” And we cover some strategies for tackling two traits that are common in persons prone to anxiety: perfectionism and the need for approval.
“It’s just in her nature to help others.” “We have such different personalities.” “He’s just a difficult person.” Many of us have made these statements, and it shows that, on some level, we are aware that we are not all built the same. Your personality influences how you tend to think and feel and what choices you tend to make.
Each personality is made up of several traits, stable characteristics that influence an individual’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Someone with a “difficult” personality, for example, might be described as argumentative, closed-minded, and irritable. On the plus side, this person might also be described as ambitious and self-reliant.
A person with detail-oriented personality traits might choose an accounting profession, using his or her personality strengths to excel in the workplace. But this same attention to detail might make it hard for the person to make everyday decisions in a timely manner. What works in one situation may not work in another.
Instead of labeling personalities in terms of categories, personality experts are recognizing that personality traits fall on a spectrum, like height or intelligence. For example, we humans vary in how comfortable we are in social situations. Some of us “have never met a stranger,” whereas others consider ourselves shy or reserved (that is, introverted—whether or not we are also prone to negative emotions). Someone who is shy may feel more uncomfortable meeting new people than you or I yet genuinely desire to make friends and join the group. In addition, a shy person may succeed in social situations in spite of discomfort; the desire to connect may be strong enough that the anxiety is ignored.
STRESS RELIEF
Don’t confuse personality with skill. The abilities to network effectively or stand up for yourself are communication skills that can be learned by anyone.
Context
Of course, whether your personality traits cause problems for you doesn’t just depend on where you are on the spectrum; context is also important. Tendencies rewarded in some contexts can be problems in others.
A person with dependent personality traits may be a loyal, cooperative member of a work team, yet falter when forced to lead. Many police officers are discerning, observant, and suspicious, personality traits that allow them to thrive in an environment where caution and wariness are rewarded.
On the other hand, a conscientious, detail-oriented employee may become quite distressed when faced with a disruptive corporate transition or sudden change in his work duties. The extrovert may thrive in sales or public relations but have great difficulty when put in an isolated work environment requiring sustained attention. Clearly, the “fit” between your personality traits and your environment can either be good or a source of considerable stress.
If you think of your personality traits as neutral, this frees you up to examine how effectively you are using your natural strengths and how often you choose situations that complement your natural attributes. Can you, for example, meet a deadline even though you’re obsessively thorough? Can you stand up for yourself when you’re being taken advantage of, even though you’re naturally agreeable? If you have a strong need for independence, do you take jobs that allow you to flourish?
“I depend on close relationships for emotional support” is a belief that many of us could find useful. It could serve as a powerful motivator to develop and nurture the kind of social support that research consistently shows buffers you against life stress. “I can’t tolerate being alone” or “I can’t take care of myself,” on the other hand, are beliefs that can lead you to chronic self-doubt and low self-esteem. These beliefs may also lead you to make poor relationship choices or stay in interpersonal situations that are abusive or unfair. Rather than change your personality, you can recognize your strengths and weaknesses and make choices that capitalize on your strengths.
The Anxiety-Prone Personality
We’re all born with certain temperaments, innate characteristics that influence how reactive we are to our environment and how intensely we express these reactions. Research shows that babies who are highly reactive to environmental stimuli tend to become children who cry, try to avoid, and show distress in the face of unfamiliar objects, people, and events. Not surprisingly, babies who are highly reactive are also more likely to develop anxiety disorders as adults.
Of course, babies may be born with a propensity to over-excitability, but parenting practices and other life experiences may determine whether such infants become fearful of unfamiliar people and events later in childhood. In particular, parents who respond to a child’s sensitivity with overprotection may unwittingly reinforce their child’s fears by never giving him or her a chance to learn how to handle stress or challenging situations.
As adults, certain personality traits often coexist with anxiety disorders; so much so, in fact, that it’s not unusual to see researchers use terms such as “anxious personality traits.” Avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are often called the “anxious triad,” not because most anxiety disorder sufferers have personality disorders, but because we often share similar personality traits. It’s unclear whether these personality traits predispose you to anxiety or are part of the same developmental pathway.
ON THE CUTTING EDGE
An Italian study found that patients with panic disorder who were treated with the antidepressants Paxil and Celexa showed more than just a reduction in panic symptoms. They also experienced a reduction in dependent, paranoid, and avoidant personality traits, suggesting that these may have been influenced by panic attacks, rather than being an enduring part of the patients’ personalities.
For example, anxiety sufferers often describe themselves as perfectionistic, emotionally sensitive, and highly self-conscious. Those of us who experience anxiety can be highly sensitive to a wide variety of stimuli, ranging from physical sensations to the feelings of others. On the downside, we may at times feel like emotional tuning forks, picking up on others’ distress even when we don’t want to.
In addition to emotional sensitivity, many of us acknowledge a strong desire to be in control of ourselves and our surroundings, especially when we are in the company of others. Stoicism may have been a family value. On the plus side, this need to be in control often gives us tremendous self-discipline; on the down side, our ability to conceal our anxiety symptoms (and other emotional pain) may leave us feeling lonely and isolated. Our need for control may also mask our underlying fear of losing control.
Another commonly shared trait is high performance consciousness. Many anxiety sufferers are hyperaware of their performance on any given task, particularly when our performance is being evaluated. We have a strong drive to avoid failure, or at least avoid looking like a failure to others. On the plus side, many of us are highly conscientious; a potential trap is placing excessive pressure on ourselves and giving others undue power over how we view ourselves.
As you can see, traits such as emotional sensitivity, a strong need to control, and high performance consciousness can be both blessings and curses depending on how much you have them and how you express them. The more extreme these traits are in your own personality, the more prone you are to experiencing anxiety.
At 18, Joni represented her junior college in the Miss Alabama beauty contest. What she remembers most clearly from that experience was how differently it affected her in comparison to the other girls. After the pageant, she was totally and completely exhausted; while most of the other girls were gathering to have fun and socialize, all she wanted to do was go back to her hotel room and get some peace and quiet. It wasn’t the first time she’d noticed that she seemed to be more drained after emotion-charged events than most people, but it was the first time she clearly remembers thinking, What’s wrong with me?
Many of us have found it helpful to learn of research psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron’s research on the “highly sensitive” person. Just as dogs are able to hear whistles that humans can’t hear, the highly sensitive person processes sensory information more deeply and thoroughly than most of the people around her.
This biological sensitivity, which Dr. Aron believes is inborn like other personality traits, brings gifts and causes challenges. On the plus side, our highly developed emotional tuning fork allows us to feel deeply, to have a keen imagination and a rich inner life, and to easily pick up on the moods of the people around us. On the down side, we can’t turn our emotional radar off. As a result, environmental stimulation that wouldn’t faze the average person—noises, bright lights, crowds, intense movies—may feel overwhelming to the biologically sensitive person.
This biological sensitivity doesn’t just apply to the world around us, though; it also applies to our internal world. Highly sensitive persons often have a high sensitivity to pain and can feel overwhelmed when dealing with time pressure, sudden changes or transitions, or multiple demands. “Don’t be so sensitive” is a mantra many of us with this biological temperament have heard since childhood, often in response to our distress over other people’s moods or comments or because we “overreact” to minor annoyances. It’s like we have the proverbial “thin skin” that leaves us vulnerable to all sorts of stimuli.
MYTH BUSTER
“People who are ‘emotional’ make poor decisions.” The truth is, used wisely, your emotions can help you make very good decisions because you can appreciate certain nuances.
The highly sensitive person is not necessarily always anxious but is at risk for anxiety. For example, because they pick up so much from the world around them, they are more prone to overstimulation and quicker to feel stress, especially when they can’t retreat to a quiet room or place of solitude to get some “down time.” Also, recent research suggests that they are more impacted by life experiences. For instance, researchers found that individuals with this biological sensitivity were three times as likely to suffer from shyness, anxiety, and depression if they had a troubled childhood compared to persons without this trait. As adults, the highly sensitive person is also more likely to be negatively affected by a bad life experience. However, it’s important to remember that you can learn to adapt your strengths and weaknesses to your advantage and take care of yourself.
So how do you keep the gifts your emotional sensitivity gives you and minimize the intrusions? On a practical level, you can do the following:
- Make sure you have plenty of solitude and down time, especially when you are going through a stressful period.
- Quit comparing yourself to other people who seem less drained or bothered by the world around them.
- Take extra steps to guard your physical health; hunger and lack of sleep can make you even more prone to overstimulation and fatigue.
- Intentionally put yourself in calming environments when you can, whether it’s a quiet room at home or a beach or mountain vacation.
- Develop ways to create inner calm, such as through yoga or meditation.
- Learn to say “no” even if this triggers negative emotions.
- Break down big goals into small steps, and create your own deadlines.
- Take new relationships slowly. Because of the tendency to feel deeply, you can jump in and get hooked into a relationship before you have the chance to evaluate whether it’s good for you.
MYTH BUSTER
Research suggests that highly sensitive people with a good childhood are no shyer, more anxious, or more depressed than others.
As you’ve seen, having finely tuned emotional radar can predispose you to both empathy and anxiety. It can work for you, but at times it takes some work to keep it from stressing you too much. It’s both a blessing and a curse. On the other hand, perfectionism—another personality trait many anxiety sufferers share—rarely does you any good at all. In fact, it can keep you from experiencing joy and pleasure even when you deserve it.
Ever feel like nothing you do is good enough? Is it hard to be satisfied with your efforts? If you meet a goal, do you push yourself harder rather than take time off to appreciate what you’ve done? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, welcome to the perfectionist club.
Perfectionism may have its roots in childhood, when the message “I love who you are” somehow gets confused with “I love what you do.” When a child feels that acceptance and love are conditioned upon success, she or he naturally tries to earn it. In adults, perfectionism is often expressed through exceedingly high standards. High standards are not necessarily problematic; they can be extremely valuable, of course.
What does cause problems is when, no matter how successful you are, you never feel like it’s good enough. For example, imagine that your daughter comes to you, stressed out because she’s convinced that she needs an A+ on a final exam; she believes her chances of getting into a good college will be dramatically reduced if she doesn’t get an A in this class. After a week of stress, cramming, and snapping at you, she comes home with her grades. She did it! An A+! However, instead of patting herself on the back, she glumly tells you that she’ll never be able to handle college if she has to study so much to ace a stupid high school course. In other words, if she were perfect, she should be able to do it more easily.
ON THE CUTTING EDGE
Research suggests that first-borns may be more likely to be perfectionists than later-born children, perhaps because first-time parents might reward “eager beaver” behavior.
As you can see, there’s a difference between the desire to succeed and excel and the desire to be perfect. It’s the combination of high expectations plus dissatisfaction with your performance, no matter how stellar it actually is, that causes the pain of perfectionism. The greater the discrepancy between your performance and your satisfaction with it, the more likely it is that you are caught in perfectionism’s trap.
The attitudes and beliefs underlying perfectionism fuel anxiety by creating a constant sense of time pressure coupled with a rigid, unforgiving standard of performance. There’s no room for mistakes. “I’m a loser unless I reach my ideal. I don’t have value unless I’m successful. I should be able to do it better, faster, easier ….” In reality, no one can always get everything done on time and perfectly. Stuff happens. Glitches pop up. It’s like there’s a taskmaster inside you that you just can’t escape, one who is never satisfied and waiting to pounce on your slightest mistake or setback.
STRESS RELIEF
Keep a daily journal of everything positive you do to shift the focus from what you haven’t done (or why it wasn’t good enough) to what you have.
Antidotes for perfectionism often involve an attitude adjustment to catch self-defeating or irrational thoughts, such as the cognitive restructuring strategies discussed in the last two chapters. You can use feelings of anxiety and worry as opportunities to ask yourself if you have set up impossible expectations in your current situation and explore the fears behind the feelings. In addition, you can intentionally remind yourself that few things really are “all or nothing.” For example, you can do the following:
- Focus on the process of doing an activity, not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you’ve accomplished, but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task. Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.
- Read biographies of famous people who failed often (Thomas Edison, for example) or stories of mistakes that turned into accidental discoveries (penicillin, x-rays).
- When you make a mistake, ask, “What can I learn from this experience?” More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
- Rank your goals and tasks according to how important they are to you. On less important tasks, decide how much is “good enough.”
We’ve talked about the kind of perfectionism that drives you to overwork and chronic dissatisfaction with your efforts. But another kind of “perfectionism” can complicate your relationships and diminish your sense of self-worth. This perfectionism is socially prescribed and often takes root in the belief that others will only value you if you are perfect. This kind of social perfectionism has been linked to both anxiety and depression, not to mention a chronic sense of loneliness and insecurity. This kind of perfectionism can tempt you to put on a mask with others, hide any fears or problems, and focus on pleasing others rather than standing up for yourself.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy; it’s an endearing trait. How-ever, when you get stuck in people-pleasing mode, you may deny, hide, or suppress your own emotional needs because you believe it is the only way to gain the acceptance and approval of others. Normal feelings of anger or irritation can be threatening and, as a result, cause anxiety; after all, how many friends and family members are pleased when you’re angry with them?
There’s another link between anxiety and people-pleasing. Recent research suggests that children who felt unsure of the availability of their primary caretaker, especially those who felt emotionally abandoned during times of distress, are more likely to develop anxiety than children whose attachment was more secure. In addition, these children were more likely to try to hide their emotions and appear neutral, even when experiencing pain and distress. In addition, many had greater trouble tolerating separation from the primary caregiver than children more securely attached.
MYTH BUSTER
“Personalities don’t change.” Wrong! In fact, research suggests that, after age 20, most of us become more conscientious, agreeable, and emotionally stable.
As discussed at the beginning of this chapter, personality traits, in and of themselves, are neutral; it’s when you do not recognize and adapt to them that they can become problematic. Chronic people pleasers tend to have an excessive need to seek approval to avoid anticipated rejection, abandonment, or disapproval. You work too hard to keep the peace, do anything to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, and often have a problem letting others know how you really think and feel about things. In return, you give too much power to others’ opinions about you and, at times, expect others to take care of your feelings.
Those of us with a strong need for approval work hard at being good in the various roles in our lives—and we are good at them. Unfortunately, though, we may wait for others to give us recognition or credit rather than honor ourselves. This dependence on others to boost our self-worth can create a constant state of tension; after all, we have no control over what others say and think about us.
Inevitably, this takes a toll on our relationships. The people who love us may treat us with kid gloves, trying their best to reassure us and boost our self-esteem. They may become overly protective, not telling us the truth for fear of hurting our feelings or damaging our egos. They may also feel resentful and overwhelmed by the need to “be there” for us. If we have the misfortune to get involved with someone who feels the need to exert power over someone, she or he will gladly take advantage of our need for approval, either using it to manipulate us to carry more than our share in the relationship or taking delight in wielding power over our self-esteem. Most of us know a friend or acquaintance who stays involved with a critical partner and are driven batty as we see a decent human being believe—and tolerate—a bunch of manipulative bull.
Ultimately, if you’re an approval seeker, no one else can satisfy the deep need to be accepted that you desperately pursue. You’ve got to confront your fears head on. You’ve got to find security and trust in yourself. When you start identifying and restructuring your irrational beliefs about rejection, neglect, abandonment, and disapproval and uncover where these fears came from, you can get to the root of your need for approval.
STRESS RELIEF
Religious or spiritual beliefs can be a powerful antidote for perfectionists, especially when they find it difficult, if not impossible, to forgive themselves when they have made a mistake or done wrong.
A first step is to ask yourself what you really gain by trying to please everyone in your life. What do you give up when you keep your opinions and feelings to yourself or when you can’t make a decision without consulting someone? What are the taboo subjects that limit your intimacy with your partner? Taking a small risk—by saying “no,” by sharing a problem, or by giving honest feedback—can be a giant step in providing evidence that you can please people by being yourself. In fact, one of the biggest benefits of an anxiety support group is sharing feelings and thoughts that many attendees have never disclosed to anyone—and never imagined they could.
As discussed in this chapter, personality traits are neither good nor bad; they only become problematic when they don’t fit the situation. This chapter has also explained how certain personality traits and anxiety often go hand in hand; they can push us in the direction of anxiety, exacerbate an existing anxiety disorder, or, in excess, cause anxiety themselves. Reducing the role perfectionism plays in your life, or tackling an excessive need for approval, can help us address some of the underlying thoughts and feelings that increase your stress level and create tension and worry.
The Least You Need to Know
- Personality traits are neither good nor bad; they may help you or cause trouble, depending on the context and how much you allow them to influence your behavior.
- Anxiety sufferers often share certain personality traits such as perfectionism, a high level of emotional sensitivity, and a strong need for approval.
- Highly sensitive people have built-in emotional radars that pick up data most other people would miss, ignore, or not care about.
- Tackling perfectionism and the need to please others often involves addressing underlying fears of rejection, abandonment, and disapproval.