CHAPTER
13

Reducing Stress

In This Chapter

• Learning the definition of stress
• Recognizing the symptoms of stress
• Taking an inventory of your coping mechanisms
• Buffering yourself from stress
• Finding out how severe traumas can affect you

Monday—I’m stuck in traffic on my way to work. I’m running 15 minutes late. I can feel my heartbeat speeding up and my chest tightening. The minute I get to work, the boss dumps a ton of work on my desk and—oh great, my computer has crashed!

I try taking some deep breaths, and it helps a little. I have to keep taking breaks during the day because it’s hard to concentrate.

Home isn’t much better. My kids are unusually demanding, making a seemingly endless number of requests of me. My chest is very tight; I feel like screaming. I’d love to go for a long walk to calm down, but I can’t leave the kids. I settle for a handful of cookies instead.

I know all this stress isn’t good for me. I’ve read that it can put a strain on your heart and lower your immunity. But how do I manage my stress when I don’t even have time to take a walk?

Most of us have experienced some version of this. We all feel stressed at times; the daily hassles pile up, we suffer a major life event, or we just run out of the emotional resources to cope. Of course, some of us work best “under pressure,” thriving on the “buzz” of energy we get from life’s unexpected challenges. One person shines when her back is up against the wall; another says stress destroyed his marriage and sabotaged his career.

How much stress is too much? In this chapter, we look at what stress is and isn’t, what is most likely to cause an unhealthy level of stress, and how to keep stress from getting the better of you.

What Is Stress?

“I’m so stressed out.” Most of us have said this at some point. But what exactly is stress? Is it having a really bad day? Having too much to do? Dealing with a difficult person?

Actually, these pressures can build up and cause stress, but they’re not “stress” in and of themselves. Stress is what you experience when you start feeling like the demands life is placing on you are greater than your resources for coping with them. A pending layoff might cause most of us to worry (and polish up a résumé); however, your level of stress will probably vary, depending on how easily you think you can get another job, how much your self-esteem is tied to your career, and how much savings you have in the bank.

Your stress level isn’t just impacted by the immediate resources you have at your disposal. Positive habits you develop to take care of yourself—humor, self-awareness, relaxation, creating pleasurable experiences, exercise—can reduce stress. These daily uplifts can build up your mental reserves, making it easier to marshal your coping mechanisms when faced with a tough life circumstance.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

New research suggests that people who respond poorly to stressful situations are likely to have higher-than-normal levels of cholesterol, which have been connected with heart problems.

Symptoms of Stress

As you’ve seen, stress is what you experience when you feel overwhelmed by what you have on your plate. Not surprisingly, the belief that you don’t have the resources to cope with life’s demands is likely to cause symptoms of stress. Some of the most common stress symptoms are included in the following table.

As you look through these, perhaps you notice that, although unpleasant, some of these symptoms can serve a useful purpose. Essentially, they reflect a narrowing of your focus and energy to the threat at hand. However, it’s the side effects that you have to watch out for. For example, because it’s so all consuming, stress can adversely impact your ability to communicate clearly, to control your behavior, or to be sensitive to others. In addition, your mental attention gets locked on your problems, and you can become rigid in your decisions, despite the facts.

MYTH BUSTER

“No symptoms, no stress, right?” Well, perhaps. Some medications can mask the symptoms commonly associated with stress. Be sure any prescription medication isn’t covering up stress symptoms. And remember, stress affects us all differently—your symptoms won’t exactly match someone else’s.

The Right Amount of Stress

We all know that sometimes a little stress helps us get things done. Deadlines can provide the adrenaline boost you need to finish a daunting task. In moderation, stress is a motivator; it can rally your resources, wake you up, and get you moving. The trick is to find the balance between too little stress and too much. No one ever made it to the Olympics without performance stress; on the other hand, too much pressure leads to mistakes, not medals.

As we noted in Chapter 1 in discussing the Yerkes-Dodson findings, researchers have found that the relationship between arousal (or anxiety/stress level) and performance is like an inverted U: too little or too much and you can’t focus properly. If you feel motivated and able to concentrate, focused on the task at hand but able to retain a sense of composure, and open to broader thinking and different ways of accomplishing the task, then you’re in the peak performance zone.

But if you cross over the stress threshold, your performance deteriorates. A bank robber was once caught red-handed simply because he couldn’t open a door. Loot in hand, he repeatedly tried to push the door—even though the sign “Pull” was clearly visible. It was as if his mind “froze,” and he kept pushing and pushing the door—until the police arrived.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Stressful situations can interfere with mental agility. Studies at The Ohio State University have found that stressed research subjects were less capable of solving problems and word puzzles than those who were at ease and calm.

A Coping Inventory

Celebrities are known to suffer from more than their fair share of stress. Busy work schedules, little privacy, numerous critics, and the unpredictability of the public are great potential stressors. But celebrities are not the only people who experience substantial stress. Ask yourself the following questions to see how well you are coping with your stress:

• How would you summarize your friendships? A supportive network of friends and acquaintances is one of the most powerful buffers against stress. It’s not just the number of friends, though; it’s how available they are, how often you contact them, and how much you can trust and confide in them.
• How do you use your free time? Having hobbies and outside interests is a great way to keep active and emotionally fit. However, if they leave you with no “downtime,” they themselves can cause stress. Consider leisure activities that balance your life: an exciting activity like bungee jumping might liven up a boring work routine; a reading group might be a relaxing break from a high-stress job.
• Have you experienced significant changes in your life over the past year? Any significant life event will stir emotions. Don’t overlook the stress of positive changes. A wedding, for instance, can cause tremendous stress. And be especially tuned in to the stress of loss, which can overwhelm many of us. Acknowledge the normal emotional wear and tear following a loss, and give yourself time to recover.
• How are things at your job? Too much responsibility (work overload, unrealistic expectations) in combination with too little control (demanding boss, conflicting or unclear communication) is a poisonous combination influencing work-related stress. And work stress can be particularly hazardous because most of us spend more time there than anywhere else during our waking hours.
• How do you feel at the end of the day? Do you dwell on all that’s happened? Can you unwind, or do you feel tense yet exhausted? Your ability to unwind at the end of the day is a powerful indicator of how your coping mechanisms are working.

ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Recent research has produced the first-ever visualization of psychological stress in the brain. During a “stress test,” MRI scans showed increased blood flow in the prefrontal cortex, an area long associated with anxiety and depression as well as working memory and goal-oriented behavior. Interestingly, the blood flow continued even after the test was completed.

Buffers Against Stress

After five years working nights with a demanding boss and trying to raise a family, Sarah decided enough was enough. She quit. Within three weeks, she found a new job with better hours and a better boss, and it was closer to home. Her lower stress more than made up for the slight reduction in pay.

When Bill’s father was diagnosed with cancer and had to move in with him, it brought their longstanding relationship problems to the fore. Bill struggled with often feeling angry and short-tempered with his father—and then feeling guilty about it. When a friend commented one day that Bill was lucky to have this special time with his father, it gave him some food for thought. He made more of an effort to get to know his father and better understand the choices and actions he had made. It didn’t change his father’s personality or make up for past tensions, but Bill was surprised that it did take away his resentment and give him a sense of peace.

Greg’s world imploded when his daughter died. He felt anger over his loss and resentful toward his friends who had healthy, happy children. Only when his marriage began to deteriorate did he agree to attend a support group for grieving parents. As he listened to parents who had gone through similar experiences, he felt less alone. Three years later, Greg’s marriage is great, and he’s started a research foundation to find a cure for the illness that took his daughter’s life.

Sarah, Bill, and Greg each found ways to channel their stress into positive action. Sarah was able to remove herself from the stressor. Bill and Greg had to first deal with the emotions around their stressful life event before they could decide what to do. You can deal with stress in a lot of ways, and the most effective strategy depends on how much control you have over it and how intense your feelings are about it.

Taking Action

When Sarah couldn’t renegotiate her work hours or get transferred to a better boss, she decided to change her situation. This decision didn’t come easily; she had to first look at the risks versus the rewards, deal with the fear and uncertainty of potential unemployment, and initially exert more effort (preparing a résumé and conducting a job search) when she already felt exhausted.

When experiencing stress, one of the most useful questions to ask yourself is “What do I have control over, and what can’t I change?” For instance, you may not be able to change the uncomfortable physical sensations that accompany panic, but you can change how you interpret them (unpleasant but not dangerous). You can keep them from controlling your life by refusing to avoid situations where you have felt panicked before. Similarly, you can’t change a power-hungry manager, but you can “watch your back” by putting everything in writing and figuring out how to defuse his tactics.

Dealing with Uncomfortable Feelings

On the other hand, perhaps—like Bill or Greg—the stressor in your life isn’t something you can control. Unfortunately, you can’t make a life-threatening illness, the loss of a loved one, or a company merger disappear. During times like these, it’s easy to feel helpless and out of control. But even in these situations, there are things you can do. You can change the story you tell yourself about what’s happened; you can develop the skills to more effectively manage your feelings; you can surround yourself with caring people; and you can use your grief or fear to get more information or help others.

For instance, imagine how your stress would differ if you interpreted a company merger with a neutral, “let’s wait and see” attitude versus a career-threatened panic. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go ahead and polish up that résumé (prepare for the worst) or do some research on the success rate of similar mergers; but you’re staying with the facts versus embellishing them with catastrophic interpretations.

ANXIETY ATTACK

Yet another reason to tackle stress: research has found a link between dieting, stress, and overeating. A combination of deprivation (such as dieting) plus stress causes a “hedonic deprivation state,” a craving for something pleasurable. “Comfort foods” high in fat and sugar were found to mimic opioids, the brain’s natural pleasure chemicals.

Emotion-focused coping, as opposed to active problem solving, is a way to manage the negative feelings toward your stressor. On the positive side, emotion-focused coping strategies such as relaxation and distraction can help you pay more attention to what your emotions are telling you and free you from obsessive worrying. On the other hand, you don’t want to use these strategies as a replacement for dealing directly with aspects of your stressor that you can control: crying on a girlfriend’s shoulder may make you feel better, but it does nothing to get you out of an abusive relationship.

Even in situations that seem unavoidably stressful, there are often ways to cope. For instance, the book Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn is highly recommended for people experiencing the stress of chronic pain or illness.

Developing Resources

Imagine you’ve just found out your life depends on completing a marathon that will take place in four weeks. With that kind of motivation, most of us could muster our way through. But think what an advantage you’d start with if you were already working out.

Developing resources to manage stress is similar. Situational stressors often require tailor-made responses; but living a healthful lifestyle, knowing yourself, and developing an arsenal of coping skills give you a head start when life gets tougher. Studies confirm that people who are clear about who they are and where they want to go are better able to handle stress. In particular, those who take preparation time seriously are less stressed. Researchers at ULCA, for example, found lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol in people who had been asked to think about their values and priorities before being subjected to a stressful experience.

STRESS RELIEF

Use a mental picture as a calming anchor. For example, develop a mental picture of your ideal place (for example, a beach or a mountain scene) and practice conjuring it up at the same time you focus on slowing your breathing; the more detail you can insert, the better. Pair this scene with relaxation often enough, and you can take it anywhere you go.

Create a Stress Journal

In a life filled with daily hassles, it can be hard to keep track of your stressors, the emotional reactions you have to them, and what you do when you encounter them. Keeping a stress diary for a couple of weeks can help you connect the dots between your external reality and internal stress and provide insight into what you’re doing right and what’s not working. This helps you to separate the common, routine stressors from those that occur only occasionally.

To get started, buy a notebook and record your stress ratings for 14 days. Make a note every hour or so, particularly when you notice stress symptoms.

Here’s a typical stress diary entry:

After you’ve collected your 14 days’ worth of data, use the following sheet to look for patterns:

By the end of this exercise, you’ll have a pretty good handle on recurring stress triggers, how they impact you, and how you try to manage them. You’ll also get a sense of the effectiveness of your current coping strategies and can begin to think about alternatives that might work better.

STRESS RELIEF

Believe it or not, for most of us, the daily hassles (work overload, a chronically procrastinating child, an unreliable car) cause more stress than big life events. Don’t let these pile up just because they aren’t crises!

Communication Under Stress

Given enough pressure, a normally expressive, assertive communication style can turn into quick-tempered explosiveness. Similarly, a normally efficient, bottom-line communication style can transform into a dictatorial style.

Your communication style can change under stress. You respond to internal cues that tell you you’re in a crisis and have to do something drastic to “survive.” You try to reduce your stress, regardless of your tactic’s effectiveness or the feelings of others. In essence, you resort to a fallback mode. Your typical communication style may become exaggerated and inflexible:

• The emotionally responsive, assertive person may become aggressive.
• The bottom-line leader may become controlling.
• The reserved, cooperative person may become overly ingratiating.
• The quiet, analytical person may become avoidant.

This fallback mode is an extreme manifestation of your normal communication style. It is yourself at your most primitive. As you grow and develop, your interpersonal skills are less primitive; you have wisdom and more strategies to choose from; and you’re able to respond to the cues of the interpersonal situation you’re in. When you experience enough stress, though, you often wind up using old, outdated communication strategies that are ineffective but make you feel safe. This is your fallback communication mode.

As such, although your fallback mode can disrupt relationships, it serves a good purpose by helping to reduce your stress. Thus, it is often not helpful to tell an acutely stressed person to “snap out of it” or point out how ineffectively she is communicating. What is helpful is to learn to recognize the signs of a fallback communication mode and develop strategies for minimizing its impact on your relationships.

Keeping Cool Under Pressure

One key to a happy long-term relationship is to learn to recognize stress signals in each other and adjust your behavior accordingly. When you see a work colleague or a loved one losing his or her cool, to avoid becoming equally stressed (and responding with your own fallback behavior), use the following strategies:

• Don’t take it personally. Remind yourself that a fallback communication mode is a survival strategy rather than a personal attack or a plot against you.
• Avoid analysis paralysis. If you’re drowning, the last thing you need to do is puzzle over how you fell in the ocean. You need a lifeboat. Avoid theoretical discussions or explanations for how the current situation came about; instead, engage in crisis management by focusing on realistic, short-term goals.
• Sidestep fallback communication. Don’t waste your breath trying to get someone to stop using a fallback communication style. If they could, they would. Instead, minimize the damage this crisis communication style can have on interpersonal relationships. For instance, if you’re a manager, teach your employees to recognize their fallback communication signals, and encourage them to find ways to vent their stress without passing it on to someone else.

Odds are that you, too, will occasionally find yourself in fallback communication mode. When this happens, here are things you can do to relieve the pressure in the short-run without increasing stress over time:

• Postpone what you can. When you’re operating under extreme stress, you’re much more likely to say or do things you later regret. This is the time to reschedule meetings or postpone appointments if possible and avoid making major life decisions.
• Get feedback from others. It’s hard to see yourself clearly, especially when you’re clouded with emotion. Getting a view of yourself from the eyes of the people around you can provide powerful clues for further personal and professional development in the context of stress.
• Acknowledge that you’re in fallback mode. Without judging it, simply notice it and remind yourself that it’s a sign of stress. That can be your cue to slow down, take a breath, and refocus on your goals. In those few moments, you can recommit to mindfully using your intended communication style.
• Imagine that your fallback communication is being recorded on video. Is this the side of yourself you want others to see? This outside perspective can make it easier to catch yourself and realign your behavior with your goals.
• Take a walk. Even a 15-second walk down the hall and back can help you shake off the intense feeling driving your panicked fallback behavior.

MYTH BUSTER

“Stress is a sign of spiritual weakness.” Although faith can be a source of great strength, it does not make you immune to stress. Stress is a natural motivator designed to help you improve and move you to do better.

Responses to Severe Trauma

If upsetting life events and daily hassles can take such a toll on your mental health, imagine what a catastrophe can do. An extreme emotional reaction to trauma is normal; even the most resilient among us will feel devastated or frightened after a life-threatening or life-altering event. Depending on the nature of the trauma, your exposure to previous trauma, your pre-event mental health, and your internal and external resources, these natural emotions may or may not lead to a clinical disorder.

Within the first month of surviving a violent assault, intense combat, or another severe stressor, a survivor often experiences unwanted memories, emotional numbing, and a sense of danger. Other symptoms can include irritability, sleep problems, and being easily startled.

If the symptoms persist longer than four weeks and are severe enough to interfere with the person’s life, a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder may be applicable. PTSD is a condition in which a person continues to be affected by trauma even though it may have happened years ago.

Symptoms include the following:

• Having intrusive memories of the trauma, possibly including flashbacks, while awake or asleep
• Avoiding people, places, and things that remind the person of the initial trauma
• Changes in feelings and thoughts—numbness, losing interest in activities, feeling isolated, and feeling that the world is a dangerous place
• Hyperarousal—feeling on guard, overreacting to noise or other environmental cues, and loss of sleep and concentration

Most serious trauma survivors do not develop or have persistent post-traumatic stress disorder. In fact, PTSD is another example of how stress is a result of both what happens to you (the nature and severity of the stressor) and the resources (genetic, social, and so forth) you have to cope with it.

If you are experiencing PTSD or less extreme post-traumatic symptoms, it is important to get help. Researchers have identified several PTSD treatments that are effective across a range of different traumas, such as cognitive processing therapy, prolonged exposure therapy, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, which must be conducted by a specially trained therapist. Many people find relief through a combination of talk therapy and medication

The National Center for PTSD (ptsd.va.gov/public) is an excellent source of information about PTSD and learnable skills that can help with everyday living. They offer many free tools for self-help, including a mobile phone app and an online PTSD coach with very short, accessible videos.

Each of us experiences stressors, whether they come as minor hassles, moderate life events, or extreme trauma. How well and how easily you cope with them is a combination of both skill and luck, how resilient your genetic makeup is, how stressful your life experience is, and how well you’ve built up your resources. In the next chapter, we take a look at an extreme stress response, often without a clear stressor: panic disorder.

The Least You Need to Know

• Recognize your stress levels by being conscious of how narrow your focus is becoming.
• Keep a stress diary to understand your sources of stress and how stress affects you.
• Use three stress-busting tools—taking action, dealing with uncomfortable emotions, and developing coping skills.
• Recognize stressed communication styles in yourself and others.
• Understand that severe trauma can cause serious difficulties, but that this is not inevitable.