CHAPTER 
Resilience Rx:Leadership Abusing Power and Engaging in Bullying Behavior
The VP of finance at a media company constantly interrupts and actively prevents others from speaking in meetings. He scoffs when they share ideas or make suggestions.
A managing director at a financial services firm publicly trashes another director’s new strategy, tearing it apart without having the domain expertise to truly understand what she is saying.
The lead software engineer makes snide remarks about the product development process during team meetings. He publicly denounces the marketing team too.
What do these all have in common? They are leaders abusing power, even bullying. Bullies are far too often tolerated in the workplace. Why? Because people don’t want to be attacked and dragged into the conflict. Because the bully is a star performer or rainmaker. And sometimes because it is easier to simply do nothing.
A shocking 75 percent of U.S. workers are affected by bullying,1 so it’s essential to tackle this tough topic here.
ASSESS: WHAT WE FOUND
In all the situations in which leadership was abusing power that we have been called into, we have needed to address three key challenges, described below.
1. Identify How the Bullies Have Been Allowed to Thrive
Paul, the COO, was managing the VP of finance bully mentioned earlier. During coaching, Paul realized how he was tolerating, and even allowing, this unacceptable behavior.
Here’s how Paul was enabling the bully:
• He was allowing inappropriate conduct to occur in meetings instead of stopping the bully from constantly interrupting and preventing others from speaking. Paul needed to clarify what appropriate meeting etiquette was and ensure that it was being honored.
• He was acting as a go-between whenever the bully refused to interact with people he thought were “stupid” instead of making it clear to both parties that they needed to work things out together.
• He was suppressing his anger and thus compromising his integrity instead of dealing with this issue directly. Instead, he needed to model leadership for his team and provide a safe, respectful, and collaborative work environment.
• He was letting others vent to him about the bully instead of creating an opportunity to let disgruntled parties communicate their grievances directly and interface with HR.
We all avoid uncomfortable human relations issues sometimes. But the cost of doing that is exorbitant as we daily give our power away, compromise our integrity, and inadvertently teach our team that bullying is acceptable. This strips our team of emotional agility.
2. Uncover the Surprising Truth About What Bullies Wanted
Like all human beings, bullies crave safety, belonging, and mattering. Often one of these is exactly what the bully wants. They are just trying to get it in an ineffective and inappropriate way. Guess what each of these bullies wants:
• Person X puts others down, makes them feel small, and condescends because inside, person X doesn’t feel he _________.
• Person Y spreads fear, rumors, and negative gossip because inside, person Y doesn’t feel _____.
• Person Z talks about inequality, unfairness, and how others get special treatment because inside, person Z feels that she doesn’t __________.
The answers are “matters,” “safe,” and “belong,” respectively. Once you uncover what bullies want, you can start to give it to them. Give bullies what they crave as long as it furthers the behavior change you need. For example, you may need to give them some mattering to create the belonging you want—and note that you are going to tell the truth; you’re not buttering them up to manipulate them.
Example: “I need your help. You’re a great idea generator and natural leader, so I thought of you to help with the following. We have a terrific opportunity to strengthen the connection within our team in order to pull together to achieve our quarterly goals. Let’s brainstorm next Tuesday, as this could be an initiative you could lead for us.”
3. Determine Whether We Were Dealing with Borderline Behavior
By using the Borderline Behavior Quiz and Borderline Behavior Decoder from Chapter 8, our clients have been able to easily assess the kind of behavior they were dealing with. If it was a borderline behavior, they have been able to use the strategies in Chapter 8 to navigate these challenging types.
It’s essential to note that borderline behavior is a common element in bullying, and true borderline behavior can only be managed with safety, belonging, or mattering, not cured.
ACT: WHAT WE DID
Our clients found that the Outcome Frame (Chapter 6), the Seven-Step Feedback Frame (Chapter 9), and the Borderline Behavior Quiz and Borderline Behavior Decoder (Chapter 8) were very helpful to them in working with difficult personalities.
We also recommended sharing these tools with their teams because all relationship breakdowns involve multiple participants. Destructive behavior rarely occurs in a vacuum. We used all these tools with Paul’s team, for example. Then we helped Paul develop his Three-Step Bully Rehab Plan, described below.
1. Identify How You Are Enabling the Behavior
Paul was contributing to and playing a role in this dysfunction by allowing inappropriate conduct in meetings, acting as a go-between when the bully refused to interact with others, and suppressing his anger and thus compromising his integrity as a leader.
2. End the Enabling System
In the Tension Triangle of relationships, there are three key roles: the Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer.2 The bully is generally playing the Persecutor, which creates the need for a Rescuer to protect the Victim.
First, Paul helped the bully identify his persecuting behavior by using the Tension Chart (Table 10.1). Once this sank in, the bully was shown the Empowerment Chart (Table 10.2) so that he could see how the Persecutor could shift to the positive alternative of an Action Creator (Figure 10.1).
TABLE 10.1 Tension Chart
Source: With gratitude to Stephen Karpman and David Emerald for their work on triangle roles and empowerment.
TABLE 10.2 Empowerment Chart
Source: With gratitude to Stephen Karpman and David Emerald for their work on triangle roles and empowerment.
Figure 10.1 How Roles Shift from Tension to Empowerment
3. Set up a New System with Healthy Boundaries and Behaviors
Next, we had Paul pave the way for the Persecutor to shift to an Action Creator by using an Outcome Frame. Paul asked the bully the following questions:
1. “What would you like?” (The outcome the bully desires that he can create and maintain.)
2. “What will having that do for you?” (How the bully will feel and the benefits he will get.)
3. “How will you know when you have it?” (Proof or criteria that will be present.)
4. “Where, when, and with whom do you want this?” (Timing, who else, and scope.)
5. “What of value might you risk or lose to get this? What side effects may occur?” (Is it OK for the bully to have this outcome?)
6. “What are your next steps?”
By asking question 2 a few times, Paul was able to get to the bottom of what emotional experience the bully wanted. Considering the issues in question 2 often reveals what a bully really wants. The Outcome Frame is a potent tool to get a person to focus on the outcome and not the problem—it helps him or her get unstuck. Question 5 helps a great deal too.
Finally, Paul used a Seven-Step Feedback Frame (Chapter 9) to co-create a turnaround plan for the bully with regular check-ins to ensure that his behavior was changing.
Note that if the bully is above you on the organizational chart, you’ll need talent (also called “human resources”) or a mentor equal to or greater in stature than the bully to use this process successfully.
ROI: HOW THE ORGANIZATION BENEFITED
I’m thrilled to report that both Paul and his VP of finance have been transformed.
Paul has shifted from Rescuer to Insight Creator. If the VP of finance or any staff member comes to him to solve a problem, he calls a group meeting at which he lets them work it out.
The VP of finance now lets others speak in meetings and actively seeks their input. He has even implemented our Effective Meeting Process (see www.PowerYourTribe.com). He checks in with Paul, his peers, and his direct reports monthly, using a Feedback Frame to ensure that everyone is communicating clearly and feels respected.
Over the course of six months as we supported this turnaround, the ROI for Paul’s company was the following:
• Finance team morale increased by 51 percent (this and the figures below below were measured by using the SBM Index), and the team members now walk tall, laugh, and joke around.
• Safety increased by 65 percent.
• Belonging increased 37 percent.
• Mattering increased by 44 percent.
• The team is even planning a birthday lunch for the VP of finance!
1. Bullies want safety, belonging, and mattering too. However, their means of attaining them are often harmful, unworkable, and damaging to themselves and others.
2. We’re all a little bit borderline—we all have tricky behavior at times. The key is to catch it, navigate it, survive, and ultimately thrive.
3. Every Victim needs a Persecutor, and every Persecutor needs a Victim. In between them is a Rescuer. We all have a role to play when it comes to bullying and difficult personalities.
4. The Outcome Frame is a great tool to redirect people’s attention toward a solution rather than to the existing problem. It helps us step out of a problem-focused system.
• We all avoid uncomfortable human relations issues sometimes. But at what cost? Exorbitant.
• Once you uncover what bullies want, you can start to give it to them. You can also help shift bullies from tension to empowerment.
• All relationship breakdowns involve multiple participants. Destructive behavior rarely occurs in a vacuum.
• Until we understand and adjust our communication, we can’t increase trust, engagement, or influence.
See this chapter’s section on www.PowerYourTribe.com for the following:
• Effective Meeting Process: Learn how to reduce meetings and meeting times by up to 50 percent.