Being an effective financial planner requires impactful and honest communication. Communication is more than just presenting a financial plan or speaking eloquently. It involves skills related to listening, nonverbal communication, and techniques to build trust and ensure that the client knows they are being heard. In this section, we focus on techniques that will help you build a deeper relationship with your client and ensure that you are effective in listening and responding to their goals and needs.

Open‐Ended Invitations Versus Closed‐Ended Questions

Closed‐ended questions are efficient and can be great for gathering information. They typically prompt clients to give single‐word or short‐phrase responses. For example:

The problem with closed‐ended questions is that they leave little room for establishing rapport, limit the amount of information the client shares with the planner, and provide little room for the client to elaborate, limiting the client's ability to engage in self‐discovery.

In contrast, open‐ended questions invite the client to offer a more detailed response to a specific question. “Open‐ended” means that there is room for an expanded response and “invitation” is substituted for “question,” based on the research that shows that using a question leads to a physiological stress response.¹ So financial planners who are wanting to increase client rapport, set a client at ease, and facilitate client self‐discovery will opt for open‐ended invitations.

For example:

Exercise 17: Open‐Ended Invitation

For this exercise, change these closed‐ended questions to open‐ended invitations.

Reflection

Reflection is the act of verifying and clarifying what the client is conveying. This is a process where the advisor reflects back periodically what the client is saying; it serves multiple purposes:

• It ensures that the client knows they are being heard.
• It assists the financial planner in understanding what the client is saying.
• It helps the client gain clarity as they: (a) formulate their thoughts, (b) put them into words, (c) hear themselves say them, and then (d) hear the financial planner repeat them back to them.

Simple reflection is anything but simple. It is much more than just parroting back what a client says. When done well, it is specific and purposeful and can help motivate the client to take action. The financial planner must choose what to reflect back to the client, considering the following:

• Would it be most helpful to reflect back the emotions of the client or the content of what was said?
• If reflecting back the content of what was said, which parts of what the client said will be reflected and for what end?

Consider the following example: Steven is meeting with his financial planner Roberta to discuss his retirement planned for later this year. He begins talking about his hesitancy to retire and begin this new chapter.

In this vignette, Roberta worked to reflect the gravity of Steven's concern over running out of money in retirement. She also provided him the space to consider a short‐term option (in this case, consulting) that could alleviate his concerns and help him transition a little more slowly into retirement.

Exercise 18: Reflection Exercise

Now it's your turn to do some reflecting:

During a meeting with her advisor, Jamie began discussing her concerns over her two children's current income and their ability to support their families.

If you were her advisor, how would you use reflection to ensure that Jamie is feeling heard and that you fully understand her concerns? How would you address the internal conflict that Jamie is experiencing regarding helping her children financially? Choose three things you could reflect to Jamie as her advisor in the spaces below:

Exercise 19: Question‐Free Zone Exercise

Now that we have discussed what questions you should ask, we suggest that you don't ask any questions at all. Asking a question, such as a request for information, usually ends in an “upward” inflection of the voice. In written form, a request for information typically ends with a question mark. For example, let's take the question “How did you make that decision?” When said aloud, note the ascending inflection of your voice at the end. For many individuals, a question implies that there may be a “right/acceptable” or “wrong/unacceptable” answer. Our subconscious picks up on that “test.” When a person is asked a question concerning sensitive information, such as their finances, it can create a stress response. Blood pressure, heart rate, sweat glands, respiration rates, and stress hormones respond as if experiencing a stress event. Increased stress levels negatively impact interpersonal relationships. It's not the request for information that creates the distress, it is the form that the request takes.

Posing the request in the form of a statement that ends with the voice inflection descending (if written, having the statement end in a period) has been shown to lower stress indicators. For example, “I'd like to know more about how you made that decision” is requesting the same information as if asked in question form, but the subconscious reacts differently. It is less likely to perceive that there is a right and wrong answer. It is more likely to experience it as someone desiring to know more out of curiosity.

With your clients or classmates, create a list of 20 questions you would normally ask them if you were meeting them for the first time. These questions will be general in nature, things you might normally ask someone you don't know well, such as where they were born, the kind of house they grew up in, whether they have siblings, if they have pets, and so on. If you are a practicing financial planner and have an intake questionnaire, feel free to use it for this exercise.

Now look at each question and turn each one into a statement. For example, “Did you grow up in the city or the country?” becomes “I'm wondering if you grew up in the city or the country.” “Did you have any pets growing up?” becomes “Tell me about any pets you had growing up.” Other “starter” phrases include:

• “I'm curious about …”
• “Tell me more about …”
• “Say more about …”
• “I would like to know about …”
• “I'd love to hear about…”

Take those 20 questions that you started with and convert each one of them into a statement.

Exercise 20: Dirty Dozen Exercise

Relationships fail all the time, and much of that failure has been attributed to a breakdown in communication. Dr. Thomas Gordon identified common roadblocks to effective communication.² These roadblocks have also been referred to as the “Dirty Dozen.” At first glance you may wonder that if these communication approaches are all problematic, “What else is there if I am not supposed to use these tools?” We ask that you read through the following list with an open mind, as these communication strategies are deeply embedded in our culture's communication process.

Each of the following tools can be effective if used at the right time, in the right situation, and in the right amounts. However, there are often much more effective ways to communicate. For this exercise, watch a news show of your choice on which there is a panel of people with differing opinions speaking on the same topic. Some suggestions include, but are not limited to, CNN, Fox News, or MSNBC. As you watch the segment, track the communication strategies used. Any time you hear one of the “Dirty Dozen,” make a tally mark next to the strategy below. Please also complete the section at the end of the list with the show details.

• __________ 1. Ordering directly, commanding
• __________ 2. Warning or threatening
• __________ 3. Giving advice, suggestions, solutions
• __________ 4. Persuading with logic
• __________ 5. Moralizing
• __________ 6. Judging, disagreeing, blaming
• __________ 7. Agreeing, approving, praising
• __________ 8. Shaming, ridiculing
• __________ 9. Interpreting, analyzing
• __________ 10. Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling
• __________ 11. Questioning
• __________ 12. Withdrawing, humoring, distracting

Exercise 21: The FLOW Process

The goal of this exercise is to practice listening so that you can see and understand someone else's perspective precisely as they see it.³ FLOW in this case means following the flow, or energy, of the speaker. One of the most powerful communication tools is listening. Most people understand that interrupting someone would constitute “not listening.” However, merely being quiet until the other person stops talking doesn't mean that listening is taking place.

Being in the presence of a skilled listener helps the speaker gain clarity about not only what they are trying to say but what they actually mean. Taking an abstract feeling or experience and trying to share it using words is terribly inefficient, so it takes some time to get to the point where the speaker says exactly what they are trying to communicate. Through the process of hearing themselves talk, many clients will gain additional insights, leading to their modifying or changing what they previously believed.

During this process, note those times you have the urge to comment or ask a question. Those are moments when you have stopped listening. It is also important to know that the moment you ask for more information about something a speaker has said, you have taken control of the narrative, which may not be helpful for the client. That is why we suggest that you ask for additional information as late in the listening process as you can. If you listen well, most of the things you would have wanted to ask about will have been answered by the speaker without you interrupting them.

1. Ask a friend, colleague, or classmate to talk about a time in their life when someone saw something in them that they couldn't quite see in themselves. Perhaps it was a coach who suggested that they try out for a team; a teacher who suggested that they apply for a scholarship; or a boss who suggested that they should “go for” a new position. Tell the speaker that you will be practicing some enhanced communication skills that you'll be happy to share after the two of you are done.
2. Once the speaker begins, you will stay silent, but at the same time letting the speaker know, nonverbally, that you are listening. This can be accomplished through periodic eye contact, head tilting, and head nodding. You will listen until:
   1. You need to summarize to make room in your head for new information, or
   2. You notice the speaker's energy sink/go down.
3. When either of those two things happen, you will then summarize what you have heard, in no more than three concise sentences, capturing the essence of what the speaker has said. It is better to choose a theme than a specific sentence. The speaker may interrupt you at any point during your summary and, if they do, let that happen and continue to listen as noted in step 2.
4. If that doesn't increase the energy, ask for more information about something that the speaker has said.
5. Repeat steps 2 and 3 several times.
6. When the speaker is finished, construct a grand summary of three sentences or less.
7. Ask the speaker to tell you what you might have missed. If they mention that you missed something, make sure to summarize that final thing. Note: This missed piece of information is often one of the most important things the individual has shared with you.

When practicing the FLOW process, it can be helpful to have these steps listed and in front of you. As you gain experience, you will no longer need to refer to these steps during the conversation and you will integrate the concept into your conversational repertoire.

Exercise 22: Listening by Sketch

This listening strategy could be used with clients but could also be adapted to use with anyone (colleague, spouse, partner, friend, etc.). Ask a friend, colleague, or classmate if they would be willing to let you practice some enhanced communication skills with them. Ask if they would be willing to talk about their ideal retirement.

Tell them that you will listen without saying anything for two minutes. At the end of the two minutes, take a pencil and paper and sketch or create an image that would represent what you have heard them say. You can either take a few moments to draw after they are done speaking or share the sketch as you are drawing it. It doesn't really matter what the picture looks like. Artistic ability is irrelevant for this exercise. The drawing is a visual analogy. Its purpose is to give the speaker something to react to with the goal of helping them define their thoughts more clearly and help you gather more information. The simple act of attempting to sketch will have a valuable effect.

Allow the speaker to correct and/or adjust. When using this technique with clients, they will sometimes respond to the drawing with “That's it exactly” or “That's not it at all.” In the case of the latter, you can simply say, “Show me what it does look like.” In either case, you will learn more about what the client is saying, and the client will gain clarity about identifying their most salient concerns.