9
Grow, Recover, Repeat
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” 1
—Mary Anne Radmacher
I’m a runner. I get up almost every morning before the sun, lace up my tennis shoes, and hit the pavement. I run a 6-mile loop that takes me on a beautiful journey through the intercoastal parks of Fort Lauderdale and down A1A Boulevard with the ocean to my side. I don’t consider myself religious, but when it comes to running, I am a devotee. Running is my ritual. I realize for the nonrunners reading this, it may sound a little crazy rather than serene, but I promise you: for me it is my bliss. For years, I’d run countless miles without any injuries until six months ago, when an incident halted my bliss and replaced it with pain.
At first I could still run. So I did. For the next two months, I ignored the pain that set in each time I dove into my first mile. I felt it, but I was able to push past it. Although enduring physical pain is not really my thing, my desire to run was greater than my desire to stop the pain. In fact, as we’ve explored throughout this book, that is what courage is all about—moving to action in the face of pain. So I deduced that continuing was necessary. A few weeks after my injury, I laced up and began my normal morning run, but I just couldn’t do it. The pain had gotten so severe I was almost limping. I couldn’t take one more step.
After an examination, my doctor diagnosed a trigger point spasm in my left glute. Although a trigger point is not that serious, untreated, the pain can be excruciating. Trigger points occur when a runner does not appropriately recover after a long or intense period of exercise, creating muscular overload. There are simple things I could have done daily to help prevent the injury. The fact that I ignored my injury and ran despite it made my situation far worse.
Pain is always meant to be temporary, not permanent. Once you build muscle memory through pain, you can do the exact same activity and feel little to no pain. It’s only when you take your exertion to the next level that you feel pain again. This is normal. Pain that goes on and on without end is not normal. It’s an indication that you need to stop, recover, and heal or that you need to change something in your life (see “The Courage to Get Unstuck”).
Despite hoping for a quick solution to my condition, what I got instead was a prescription for no running until my muscle returned to its normal state of health. In the world of courageous leadership, returning to a normal state of health is also important to lace up and make our next courageous move.
This concept doesn’t just apply to athletes. Almost every living thing goes through a cycle that moves from growth to recovery to growth again. In plant life, flowers and trees bloom in the spring and summer months and then begin their recovery in the fall and winter months only to start the process of blooming again in the spring. Some animals hunt, gather, and play in the spring, summer, and fall months but hibernate in the winter months. The ocean tides pull in toward the ocean and then sprawl out toward the shore daily. The sun rises in the morning and sets at night. There is a rhythm to this moving outward to grow and then moving inward to renew that is a necessary part of life.
In leadership, recovery is also necessary. It’s an important part of what maintains a leader’s stamina. This business of courage is not easy. Whether it’s a humbling experience, giving or receiving tough feedback, delegating, taking a stand, or any other form of courage, when we have completed the task of moving to action in the face of pain, the next most valuable thing we can do for ourselves is to stop and recover. It’s during this time of recovery that we make sense of our pain and explore meaning (Pain + Meaning = Growth).
Recovery in the Workplace
Chris is a vice president of information technology for a department that supports multiple privately held companies. He oversees a team of six managers who lead a combined team of 45 global IT professionals. During my first coaching session with Chris, I shared results from the 360-degree feedback assessment completed by his peers, boss, customers, and direct reports. The report highlighted one major problem: In general, people who worked with and for Chris did not trust him. Chris was concerned about this feedback and immediately honed in on his direct report team. We agreed it would be helpful if I met with his team to talk through some of their specific concerns about Chris’s leadership. I spent an hour with his team as they outlined multiple incidents of mistrust and grievances they had with him over the years. They truly wanted to see a change and were desperate to do whatever it took to make that happen. I agreed I would do my best to assist Chris with his part, but I also reminded them they had a role as well. Before adjourning, they agreed to do what was in their control to change, and I agreed to share their feedback with Chris.
A little over a year later, Chris described our conversation this way.
The weekend you called me to share the team’s feedback was one of the most jarring times of my life. I don’t remember anything else about that weekend except talking to you. After we spoke, I didn’t know if I would recover or not. The feedback was so surprising and different than I thought it would be. During our conversation, I wrote six pages of notes. I still have those pages folded up in the desk drawer of my office at home and every once in a while, I take it out and read it, partly as a celebration of changing and growing but also as a reminder of what’s possible when you don’t keep growing.
In fact, Chris has grown to become an even stronger leader today than ever before. Two years later, people who meet him now are amazed to find out that he ever had trust issues with others. It’s almost impossible to find a single bit of untrustworthiness residue anywhere near him. Now, his team performs at an even higher level and is a self-described family.
Indications We Need Recovery
Chris initially described his response to his experience as anger and victimization. He said it was easier to believe that others were holding him to a higher standard than what they were holding themselves to. He also thought it was unfair that he was part of a challenging environment, and it was really the culture around him, not his behaviors, that made leading tough. Just as I had felt in my recovery whenever I saw a runner passing by, Chris felt resentment building up in him.
Here are some indicators that you might be ready to move to the recovery phase before continuing on your courageous journey.
- Your body is showing signs of physical breakdown and stress.
- You feel overwhelmed, in despair, and void of meaning.
- Your feelings continue to drive you to reaction versus action.
- You regularly worry about the future and fixate on past mistakes.
- You dread having to meet daily challenges.
- You have increased using strategies to numb your pain, such as drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or any other kind of stimulant or depressant.
- You perceive stressful situations as largely out of your control.
Chris’s Story of Recovery
It’s fair to say when you listen to Chris’s story, he was demonstrating some of these indicators and was in need of recovery. For Chris, recovery came in many forms over time, which is generally true for most of us. In my conversation with Chris, here are some of the methods he shared that helped him make the transition from his Humbling Experience to the strong, vibrant leader he is today.
Let Go of Control
My first step of recovery came from realizing that I could only change what I could control. I think for so long I had been trying to control so many things. What I figured out was the only thing I could work on was me. I realized letting go of control was the catalyst for my own change. I had to stop fighting for my interpretation of the situation. I just chose one day to focus only on what I can control. That was the day I really started leading.
Get Guidance and Support from Others
As soon as I hung up the phone with you I told my wife everything. She said, “They know a different Chris than I do. Don’t worry, you’ll get through this.” I also had my faith and I knew that meant I had a choice about who I wanted to be in this situation. I chose to work toward being a servant leader. You helped me a lot with this as my coach and so did a couple of other mentors and coworkers I could trust to turn to.
We all need people to turn to when we are in recovery. Dr. Brené Brown defines connection as “the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”2 It’s important when we are looking for guidance and support during recovery that we look for people who meet this definition because being a courageous leader doesn’t mean doing it all alone. During an important annual event for Personify Leadership, our team member and friend, Linda, was on-site working hard while dealing with extremely difficult personal circumstances. When I asked her how she was managing to stay focused and hold it all together, she shared with me a powerful saying that she learned from two of her dear friends. “Be brave. And holler if you need me.”3 Linda explained that, for her, the strength to be brave is possible because there are supportive, caring people whom she can call on when she needs them. Although no one could change what she was going through, knowing she could “holler” when she needed us allowed Linda to find her courage.
Go Easy on Yourself and Take Your Time
As part of our coaching, you had introduced me to another leader who had a similar struggle in his career. One of the things I took away from my conversation with that leader was that change wouldn’t happen overnight. I actually took some comfort in knowing this would take time. The mechanics that had gotten me into my situation didn’t happen overnight and so getting out of the hole I had dug myself in would also take some time. I’ve always been a person who is okay with the journey as long as I know where I’m going. So that gave me some peace, and I needed that peace to keep me moving.
It’s important as you recover that you don’t expect too much from yourself. Like Chris, we all need time to return to our optimal performance, especially when we are making critical changes, as he did. He would have been setting himself up for failure if he had expected anything more of himself.
Going easy on yourself and taking time to recover can also mean giving yourself a break. Let yourself relax a little and remember to breathe! It’s also important to give yourself some time off. If you need a day away from the office or an afternoon on the golf course or at the spa—do it! I had a friend recently experience a major setback professionally. Instead of pushing herself to the brink, she took a personal day for herself. She probably deserved more than a day, but at least she gave herself that when most often we keep driving to the next thing. When I need time off, I usually block a morning for the kids and me to go to the beach, or I’ll go shopping with a friend. Regardless of what works for you, it’s important you have something that helps you wind down after your stressful event.
Recovery Is a Team Effort
I knew in order for me to change, the team would need to give me a chance. That meant that it wasn’t just me in recovery but the team was in recovery too. We had to pull back and figure out how to work in the same space again. I had hope, though, because I actually figured if the team had the courage to share their candid feedback then there probably was a commitment for them to change if I changed. I definitely had to lead; I had to do my part first, but they came around to do their part too. When I did get it right, it built confidence in myself and in the process. We were honest enough with each other to know that there would be ups and downs in that journey. We went on a ledge together. Somewhere after about six months to a year, it started moving so fast. Now we have so much velocity I can’t even imagine we were ever there two years ago.
Returning to a normal state as a team (recovering as a team) requires that everyone involved takes time to heal and recover personally first and then do his or her part to recover his or her working relationships. One of the most rewarding things about working with Chris and his team during this transition was observing them all move through this process. In the end, they were all committed to doing what needed to be done for the team’s success. Chris and his team worked hard to achieve this; it wasn’t just luck. Not all teams have the guts and wherewithal to make these kinds of transitions. They get stuck in anger and victimization largely because they don’t take time to recover and heal before expecting to be fully functional again. If a team moves back into day-to-day operations too quickly without honoring their pain, they are more likely to repeat the pattern that got them into the problem in the first place. The same is true for one-on-one relationships, not just team dynamics. Anytime we need forgiveness (to give or receive) and healing in a relationship, time for recovery is necessary.
Use Humor
Once the team and I started to make progress on our working relationships, we started using humor a lot more. Not barbed humor in a passive-aggressive way but more the don’t-take-yourself-so-seriously kind of way. The team would kind of make fun of me when I’d start falling back into old behaviors, saying things like, “Hey, Chris, you’re starting to remind me of the guy we almost voted off the island.” This kind of humor is about being fallible and embracing our humanity. As a team, we know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes when we laugh at ourselves and give others permission to laugh at us, we are reminded that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. We are all in it together and we will work to support each other and compensate for each other. Not to mention, when we laugh together, it’s a great way to let off some steam.
Research shows that humor increases engagement, improves productivity, increases happiness, reduces stress, and strengthens the immune system. It doesn’t hurt that it has also been shown to burn calories. But most important for teams, humor builds connection. When teams use humor as Chris described, it can help reinforce progress they’ve already made and keep them enjoying one another’s company even during tough times. As Chris mentions, barbed humor, on the other hand, is passive-aggressive humor, which undermines the team’s progress. Using humor to convey a message when it should be a courageous discussion is very different from using humor as a way to heal.
Teresa’s Story of Recovery
Teresa A. Taylor, former chief operating officer of Qwest Telecommunications and author of The Balance Myth, spoke with me about what it was like for her to lead as an executive and be a mom of two sons.4 Teresa is a believer in integrating all parts of yourself, rather than trying to balance life. For her, this is how she learned to recover quicker and face more leadership challenges head on.
Find Your Pattern of Success Every couple of years or so at Qwest, Teresa would be promoted. At first, the news would be welcomed and usually included a celebration dinner with her family. Shortly after, however, panic and self-doubt would set in. Typically, Teresa was the one sent into a department to clean up messes, so rarely did she receive a promotion that came without a unique set of challenges. Probably her scariest experience was taking over the human resources department, which she described as completely out of her wheelhouse. On the first day in her new role, four employees resigned.
Once I got past the panic, I thought, All right, I know how to do this. I know how to assess a team. I know how to develop people. So I started doing what I already knew best. I already had a pattern that worked for me in the past, and rather than create more stress, I would rely on that pattern.
Let Yourself Express Emotions Appropriately Teresa admitted that once in a while, when things got too overwhelming for her, she would excuse herself from a meeting, go to the bathroom, and cry. A woman who is both accomplished and sophisticated made no bones about it. For her, crying was a way to recover.
I’m a big crier! I wouldn’t just break down in a meeting. That wouldn’t be appropriate and would make everyone else uncomfortable, but I would leave the meeting and head to the bathroom. I was only one of two women on the floor so it was no big deal to go in there and cry. We kept makeup and tissue on hand for just that purpose. Then I’d head back into the meeting and move on.
Simplify Things For Teresa, fundamentally, one of the most important things that came from her life experience—having it all at work and at home—was to find ways to simplify her life. When she simplified things more, Teresa needed less recovery, so when she found herself in need of recovery, it was usually because something required simplicity.
The way I took care of myself during those really busy times was to simplify and narrow my focus. That meant prioritizing where I spent my time and what was important. For example, if I decided to be at a business meeting instead of with my kids, then I needed to be at that event and not feel guilty but instead be present. If I chose to be at a dinner with girlfriends rather than a work dinner, I would be with my friends and not be checking my phone. I stayed focused on the choice I made. It was easier than trying to take on the world, and it allowed me to enjoy all the parts of my life.
Earlier in “The Courage to Be Humble,” I shared one of my more profound Humbling Experiences, when I broke down in tears in front of a group I was leading after receiving tough feedback. Later that day, I remember (uncharacteristically) walking up to the bar at the airport and ordering a shot and a beer. I slept during the whole flight home, hoping I didn’t have to wake up—ever. My husband was at the airport to greet me, and when I finally had the courage to tell him what had happened, he was very comforting. The next day he bought a small sign and hung it next to my bathroom sink. It reads: “Simplify.” Like Teresa, I found recovery during a painful period in my career by slowing down and setting priorities. I had lost focus of what was important and created a mess for myself because of it. Simplifying wasn’t just a strategy I adopted; over time, it has also become a way of living.
Build a Network Just like Chris and Linda, Teresa finds comfort in her family and friends, as well as in the social networks around her.
I’m a firm believer in women’s groups and having a good group of women to support you in your life. I always had a women’s networking group that I belonged to where I attended regular events. Whether formal or informal, lunches or cocktail hours with someone outside of my company was the best way for me to step out—literally—walk down the street and get away from my day.
There are many ways to recover and they are largely personal. Everyone heals and rejuvenates in his or her own way. What worked for Chris and Teresa may not be what works for you. Finding your path to recovery is an important part of being a courageous leader.
In leadership and in life, recovery is what brings us the insight and strength to continue on our courageous journey. When we minimize our pain with the intention to heal and rejuvenate, we give ourselves the necessary tools to maintain courageous leadership. Without recovery, we will burn out and, more significant, suffer without the benefit of meaning and transformation.