If your dream doesn’t scare you it’s not big enough.¹

—Muhammad Ali

I started my first business when I was six months pregnant with my first child. Before I made the move to leave my comfy, well-paid job as an executive to become an entrepreneur, I called every woman I knew who had started her own business (the list was much shorter than I would wish). Each shared valid reasons to consider staying in my corporate role while starting out as a mom. They shared their stories of surprises that come up during pregnancy, parenting, and running a business. They talked about low levels of energy, struggles with postpartum, the desire to be home with the children rather than working, the lag time between start-up and profitability, and the stresses of being an entrepreneur. I listened to all of them and their valuable insight, but in the end, decided to start my business anyway. Some might call me a little crazy, yet I knew that, for myself, the freedom to be my own boss while being a first-time mom was the combination that worked best for me.

As it turns out, I did struggle with most of the challenges they warned me of, and yet I’ve never regretted my decision—not even for a single day. Now, almost seven years later, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. The decisions I made then have propelled me into a completely different place in life, one that is far more aligned with my dreams. I’m aware that my dreams were unconventional, but they were mine. I embraced them and lived them fully.

Big Dreams

If you asked a random group of people whether they were living the Big Dreams they had for themselves when they left high school or college, most would answer no. Staffing agency Kelly Services reported in its 2013 Global Workforce Index (KGWI) survey of 120,000 respondents from 31 countries that a shocking 48 percent of workers are unhappy in their current jobs.²

I think it’s safe to assume most people either have abandoned their dreams for one reason or another or embraced their dreams but got stuck somewhere along the way. My sister is one of those people. She wanted to be a comedian; instead, she is the funniest accountant I know. She regrets very little, but that doesn’t keep her from still dreaming about opening for Chris Rock or hosting the Oscars. And who knows, maybe she still will one day. I know if she did, I’d be there jumping up and down like an idiot, waving a huge banner that said, “That’s my little sister!”

To achieve a Big Dream, we have to set big goals. To achieve big goals, we have to make Big Moves. To make Big Moves, we need to be courageous. Not just any kind of courage, but all facets of courage. And not just some of the time, but most of the time. That means choosing discomfort and pain over comfort and ease most of the time. Don’t get me wrong; this doesn’t mean there are not amazing rewards and advantages that come from that discomfort and pain. There are, of course, and once we achieve our dream, we can choose to stay there, in that place of comfort—but we rarely do. Remember Kellie, who shared her story with us in “The Courage to Be Confident”? Recently she and I met again, and she shared her desire to leave her current team and take on a new one. She said, “The thing I struggle with most about this decision is that I love my team. I worked so hard to get this team going and now I’m ready to leave it. What am I thinking?”

It’s a rhetorical question, really, for any courageous leader. When things get comfortable we are ready to grow again. We rarely stay put long, and rarely does achieving our Big Dream come without the sacrifice of comfort. This is where the rubber meets the road, because seldom does anyone seek out pain intentionally. No one I know gets up in the morning and says, “Today I’m choosing to risk everything I have, work like a dog, and struggle for years through emotional highs and lows that will bring me to the brink of insanity, all for the chance to achieve my dreams.” It just doesn’t happen. And yet, this kind of hopeful enthusiasm is what fuels us through the tough times to realize our dreams.

Maria, known as Kika to her friends and family, is the chief operating officer and cofounder of Kika Enterprises, an online eBay company she started in 2005 with her husband, Ricardo. Since its inception, Kika Enterprises has become a leader in secondary-market wireless data devices, and in 2016 was named one of America’s Fast Growing Private Companies by Inc.³ Maria’s Big Dream was to start her own business. Both of her parents were entrepreneurs, and her father was a strong proponent of self-employment. During every family vacation, he would say to her, “Imagine if you had to ask a boss for this time off!” After finishing college, she realized her ultimate goal was to build something that would give her family the same kind of flexibility she had experienced throughout her childhood. Eleven years later, Maria, her husband, and their two young children are enjoying the lifestyle achieving her Big Dream affords her.

Not every Big Dream is the dream of entrepreneurship. For others, the Big Dream is to lead a division or a successful team, or maybe it’s to be a stay-at-home parent. Possibly even to retire early, like Jack. Jack was the president and CEO of a private company, which he led through good times and bad for more than 20 years. When he was ready to retire, he sent this memo to his organization.

It is with mixed emotions that I am announcing my retirement.  I informed the Board of Directors earlier this year that I intended to transition to retirement by the end of 2016. With the support of the Board, a search for a successor was initiated immediately. Although I am still young, I want to share with you that both my parents passed away relatively young. Because of their loss, I have had a long-term goal to retire while I am healthy and capable of enjoying hobbies, like fishing, boating, and skiing, for many years to come.

After I congratulated Jack on living his Big Dream, he shared that he has many projects slated for retirement. His first is to build a wine cellar in his home. If you ask me, Jack is demonstrating just as impressive an ability to dream Big Dreams in retirement as he did in leadership.

What are your Big Dreams?

What do you want to be? What do you want to be known for? What do you want to have? What do you want to give? What about your Big Dream? How would you describe it? What does it look like, feel like, and sound like? How will you know you’ve achieved it? Most important, if you were to accomplish it, what is the impact to your business and the organization you lead? To your family?

Big Moves

Once we are clear about what we want to accomplish, we need to devise a plan that gets us from point A to point B. But here’s the thing. We are not talking about small moves, a series of minor steps that take us only incrementally forward. When you dream big, you also have to make Big Moves, one major step forward followed by another gigantic step, and then another, and then another. Remember the 40 percent rule here.⁴ You have much more in your reserves than you think. If you are clear about what you want, you have what it takes to make it happen. You just have to do it.

So what exactly characterizes a Big Move? Think about it this way: A Big Move is what propels us toward our goal faster and stronger than any other step we could take. If you want to be a real estate broker, then nothing will propel you forward faster than getting your real estate license. If you have your license, nothing will propel you forward faster than beginning marketing and networking yourself in your city. If you are a real estate broker who wants to be even more successful, nothing propels you forward more than developing your own niche within your city.

Of course, Big Moves require courage. A wonderful benefit of a Big Move is that it usually creates momentum and triggers another Big Move and then another, until Big Moves are happening so often that you find yourself moving toward your goal almost effortlessly. For example, starting my business when I was six months pregnant was a Big Move, but even bigger than that was starting a second business by leveraging the success of my first business. The result of those Big Moves then led to a relationship with John Wiley & Sons publishing company that led to an e-mail from one of its editors requesting that I consider writing a book. Without the first two Big Moves, the Big Move to write this book may not have happened at all, because the first two moves provided a significant portion of the expertise and experience needed to write this book. Who knows where the Big Move of publishing this book will lead. But I’m confident something else big will follow, allowing me to continue on the path toward achieving my Big Dreams.

Expect Success

I distinctly remember the first time I disappointed someone who expected greatness from me. That someone was my first-grade teacher. My crime was an unorganized desk, with crumpled-up papers jammed between my books. After I pulled out an assignment—wrinkled and beaten up—she yelled at me, dumped over my desk, and announced to the class that I was a mess. Seeing me in the hallway with my eyes full of tears and my head hung low, a few other faculty members were astonished to discover I was being punished. More commonly known for being the teacher’s pet, rather than the troublemaker, I cried in embarrassment.

I’m 41 years old and I can still recall, as if it were yesterday, my angry teacher’s ice-cold blue eyes and red pursed lips as she shouted at me. I also remember thinking, “What is it about this situation that makes her this angry?” Even a six-year-old could see her response seemed a little over the top. To be sure, it was a defining moment for me—but, luckily, in a good way. I decided I was okay with making a mess, but that did not make me a mess. I was the kid whom teachers loved. I wasn’t going to let one incident of getting on someone’s bad side change that. This failure was something I could live with. My teacher’s expectations were not the ones that mattered most to me; what counted were the expectations I had of myself.

In the best seller Performing Under Pressure: The Science of Doing Your Best When It Matters Most, authors Hendrie Weisinger and J. P. Pawliw-Fry discuss a new way of looking at and understanding the importance of our expectations. Citing research by Dr. Marcel Kinsbourne, a neuroscientist at the New School for Social Research in New York, the authors describe an inside-out chemistry that occurs in our bodies based on our expectations. In short, Kinsbourne found that what our brain believes about a given situation has an impact on the outcome⁵.

Weisinger and Pawliw-Fry also reference multiple examples of the placebo effect, where people get the result they expect without any real medical intervention or biological explanation. For example, a study in Japan of people who were extremely allergic to poison ivy was conducted, during which the placebo effect was studied. The leaf of an innocuous plant was rubbed on one arm of each participant; however, they were all told it was poison ivy. Researchers then rubbed a poison ivy leaf on the other arm and told participants that leaf was harmless. All 13 people in the study developed a rash where the “harmless” leaf contacted their skin, while only two experienced reactions to the real poison ivy leaves.⁶

For me, the most fascinating research I found related to this topic was conducted by the Cleveland Clinic Foundation. Researchers from multiple disciplines partnered to see whether mental power could improve muscle power. One group of participants was asked to practice mental exercises of specific fine motor skills (mentally rehearsing the exercise without any movement), while another group physically practiced the same fine motor skills. The group that mentally practiced fine motor skills increased their strength by 35 percent, and the group that practiced using physical exercise increased by 53 percent. The control group that did neither did not increase their strength at all. The researchers concluded that mental exercise does lead to increased muscular strength.⁷

What does this mean for us on our path of courageous leadership? Simply this: The expectations we have of ourselves and the results we get are invariably similar things.

We all have a six-year-old in us, ready to exceed everyone’s expectations. As we embark on our journey toward achieving our Big Dreams, we must call on that innocence and enthusiasm and know—comfortably and without hesitation—we set our own expectations. Not a teacher, not a spouse, not a boss, not a friend. Decide what success looks like to you and expect it, and you will achieve it.

Plan for the Worst

During college, I took advantage of student loans, which covered all of my major costs, and on weekends, I drove home to work at the same restaurant job I had in high school. Halfway through my senior year, the university sent me a notice indicating I owed it $2,000, apparently the result of not qualifying for enough in loans because of a change in my family’s financial situation. The letter clearly stated I would not be allowed to continue my studies until the balance was paid in full. My solution to this problem included working double shifts and as many overtime hours as possible during the holiday break, but based on my calculations, I would still be $800 short of my goal.

I explained the situation to my dad, whose response was “Well, if you want to go back to school badly enough, you’ll figure out another plan.” I knew he wouldn’t just give me the money unless I did everything I could to make up the difference, but I did assume that my dad, who so greatly values education, would help keep me in school.

That was a really bad assumption. A few days before heading back to school, I showed him my bank account statement, proving that I had exceeded my anticipated earnings and revealing, as expected, that I was still a little short. Without hesitation he said, “Well, I guess you didn’t want it bad enough, or you just didn’t plan well.” That was the end of the discussion.

My father didn’t leave me with nothing, though. He left me with a critical lesson: You can’t rely solely on plan A, even when all indicators are pointing in the right direction. Nothing is a given. That’s why plan B is so vitally important. Knowing what your backup plan is—how you’ll make things happen when everything you thought you could count on has fallen apart—is crucial. As you are building and evaluating your execution plan, you also need to consider all the potential cracks in the foundation. Make a list of potential oversights, pitfalls, and obstacles, and plan how you will prevent, work around, or mitigate the leaks.

Martin Seligman, a popular and well-regarded psychologist, provides some additional insight into how to plan for the unexpected in his book Flourish.⁸ He suggests that, to deal with the worst-case scenarios, we should train for the worst-case scenarios. Seligman uses the example of snipers on the battlefield to make his point. Snipers usually endure almost two days without sleep before they locate their target and are ready to take a shot. This is the reality of the job, and yet being really good at shooting difficult targets while sleep deprived can be exceedingly difficult. Rather than trying to change the circumstances, which are likely unavoidable, or attempting to keep them awake with medication, the U.S. Army trains snipers by simulating real experiences. During training, soldiers are kept awake for two days, after which they practice making accurate shots. It is because they are placed in these harsh, real-life conditions that they get good at dealing with the tough stuff required of them on the battlefield.

To do what Seligman is suggesting requires putting yourself in situations where you will be confronted with the worst-case scenario, allowing you to practice, practice, and practice! It may sound peculiar, but during some of the most challenging times in my life, I have found myself grateful for the opportunity to learn and practice. Grateful, though not necessarily happy about it. Gratitude is typically not a word most people use when describing their experiences of worst-case scenarios. However, if we’ve planned for it and practiced our response to it, there are usually no surprises, and we are prepared for whatever it will dish up.

Build Your Board of Directors

Not long ago, I led a board of directors evaluation process for one of my clients. To assess their performance accurately, I began by talking with the multiple executives who reported to the board. I asked them many questions about their experiences with the board, from compliance and oversight to direction and support. What I heard overwhelmingly from these leaders is how significant and impactful the board was in shaping, supporting, and guiding their strategy and execution. One leader said, “I leave with nuggets of wisdom that translate to hundreds of thousands of dollars to my business.”

They shared how valuable it was to have the board look in from the outside to provide an educated, independent perspective based on their veteran expertise while being independent of their organization. One surprising discovery was that these executives really enjoyed having a team dedicated to holding them accountable. Whether they realized it before the evaluation or not, they learned during the process that they were desperately seeking this kind of answerability.

Even more remarkable to me was the fact that this board met only four times a year and allocated 45 to 60 minutes to each executive during each of the quarterly meetings. Clearly, it wasn’t the amount of time invested in an individual’s strategy and execution that was impactful. As a matter of fact, the executives themselves said they preferred the efficiency of this interaction. It was, instead, the board’s purposeful and focused effort to guide and support them that really made a difference.

Like the executives I interviewed, when you are ready to make your Big Moves to achieve your Big Dreams, who better to help you stay on track and accountable than a board of directors? You may not have a dedicated team of experts at your disposal, but you likely have a handful of people who are committed to your success, people whom you can learn from and who are willing to hold you accountable.

Yuly is a friend and colleague who immigrated to the United States from Venezuela in 2007. She is a fashion, vocation, and fitness blogger who focuses on assisting modern women in addressing all areas of their lives. When she started her blog, Yuly360, a mentor, her husband, and a group of women friends made up her board of directors. Not surprisingly, because she was a start-up company, she couldn’t pay them a stipend for their time, but they were still committed to her success nonetheless. To ensure she had translated her material into English appropriately, her husband spent countless hours in the evenings reviewing Yuly’s articles before she posted them. Her group of women friends met regularly at a nearby restaurant to talk about what was new for them as leaders and how they could best support one another. Yuly describes her board of directors as a source of inspiration and guidance, “a group of diverse trusted advisors who help shape the strategic direction of Yuly360 for near-term and long-range business decisions.” These individuals keep Yuly360 on track and moving forward.

Recalibrating

Not long ago, while having dinner with a client and friend, he asked me a really pointed question about dreams.

Angela, when you reach your goals (i.e., your Big Dream) how do you know that was the goal you should be shooting for? I mean, what if what you achieved was the goal, but maybe the goal should have been something else? How do you know you’ve picked the right goal?

The question reminded me of an activity in the Personify Leadership program. Participants are asked to establish a team goal; specifically they decide how many items they want to get through the delivery system and to the customer. We also ask them to determine their quality standard. How many errors do they consider acceptable in terms of success? After some debate among team members, the group agrees on its goal. Then, as the exercise proceeds, things begin to change. We may remove individuals from the system or add new members to the team. We may change the type of items flowing through the system or the order in which the items are received. More often than not, the team will continue doing what it initially agreed to do without changing its goal or strategy, the result of which is rarely success. Every once in a while, however, a team member will stop and say, “The environment around us has changed, but we have not changed. Our goals are still the same. Should we consider revisiting our goals?” It’s at this moment that the group will realize that calibration is necessary.

According to Dictionary.com, one definition of the word calibrate is “to make corrections in or adjust a procedure or process.”⁹ When new information comes in, we can ignore it and maintain our focus, or we can consider it and evaluate whether what we are learning changes how we want to achieve our dreams—or whether our dreams need to change altogether.

At the same time I was deciding to start my first business while awaiting the birth of my first child; I was also accepted into a PhD program in another state. I decided to defer my enrollment until the following fall and give myself some time to adjust to two big moves: parenting and entrepreneurship. When the next year’s registration arrived, I was already pregnant with my second child. Up until that point I had fully intended to get my PhD, and I had not at all anticipated a second child. Given the new information, I had to recalibrate. Nothing was more important to me at that time than to do what I had already committed to and to do it really, really well. For me, that meant turning down the opportunity to study and focusing on being a mom and starting a business. It was actually an easy choice for me at the time and didn’t feel like giving up anything at all. Recalibration usually isn’t about giving up a Big Dream but rather, as life continues to unfold, reinventing or reimagining it.

Making Your Big Move

Now you have your tool kit full of frameworks and strategies to help you lead courageously no matter the challenge or situation you face. For hundreds of pages you’ve explored some of the highs and lows of courageous leadership through stories shared by others. It’s quite likely, if this book was successful, that your perspective of courage has forever been changed. The thing about new perspective is that you will never be able to not know what you know now. For example, you know now:

1. You have a choice between action and reaction.
2. Know who you are and what you stand for.
3. You can get unstuck and move on or go deeper.
4. Humbling Experiences will find you when you are arrogant.
5. You get to vote for you.
6. The Delegation Doom Loop is futile and doesn’t help you or others grow.
7. Feedback is personal and changes everything.
8. There is a time to be in the middle, and there is a time to get out.
9. Recovery is a necessary part of courage.
10. Big Dreams don’t just happen; you make them happen.

In some ways, I wish this book were different. I wish that, instead of talking about accepting pain as part of the process, I could say there is no pain associated with courage. We could take the pain scale, tear it up, and throw it out. We could make pain irrelevant. Then you could toss out the entire contents of the book and continue on your merry way with a smile. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works for us human beings. We learn from the meaning we give our pain, and we transcend our current circumstances when we go through them, not around them.

The good news is that we are all capable of mind-blowing, transformative, really cool things. The responsibility for closing the gap between our reality and our Big Dreams lies with us, and the tools to do it, within us. It is time now to go out and practice putting your courage muscle to good use.

So, my friends, go forward and be brave. No matter what life throws at you, be the courageous leader you know you can be. And remember, you are not alone.