6.1 Introduction
This chapter makes this book really holistic. It is not my intention to write a psychological book or to apply psychotherapy. It is my objective to make you aware of the “other side” of project management.
A project is triggered by people on behalf of people (change) and executed by people. In other words: it’s all about people!
The “soft” part of project management is not very well covered in any book or course in my experience. You can get so many books about project management but the human aspects are not really covered.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.
—Charles Darwin
As a child, we have experienced that reaching out could lead to disappoint and grief. You simply don’t always get what you want/need. This has impact on our way of living. The way to heal is to share with people around you what is going on inside of you, what you need and what you have to offer. In case you ask for something and you don’t get it (maybe later on you get it or you don’t it at all) is still a fact a life. It is the way you are dealing with this “disappointment”.
In case you stand up for yourself you fight. So stand for yourself and express what is going on inside of you and that you are ok the way it is.
Fighting reality is useless . . .
Have you ever realized that you have two ears and one mouth . . .?
Why do you listen to someone else? Do you listen to answer or do you listen to listen? This is a major difference!
In the “listen to answer mode” you are not really listening to the other person while you are formulating in your own mind an answer.
You lose a lot of information while you cannot listen and formulate at the same time. Furthermore you are not making a real connection with the other person.
Observe yourself the next time you have a conversation and become aware of your mode.
LISTEN and SILENT are spelled with the same letters.
6.3 Communication
Communication could be defined as the process of exchanging information between persons. Communication is not one way only; it is an interactive process (also with a large audience). This could be experienced this way but there is so much more communication going on between people apart from verbal communication.
The impact of the type of media for communication is huge. In our society the use of e-mail, social media, Skype, etc., is common practice. However, do you realize what the impact could be of something you publish on your public space in, for example, Facebook? How long will this stay there? How can this be found even after many years?
Have you ever experienced that something you communicated by e-mail was interpreted completely different than what you intended to say, causing issues?
Do you realize that something you have “said” by means of e-mail can pop up after years again and can be shared with other people, which could cause a lot of trouble also on the long run?
How do you react when you, for instance, receive a very unpleasant, maybe even an offensive, e-mail? What will be your first reaction? Do you feel your blood pressure rising and do you want to reply the same way?
I’ve experienced that this is not the best approach. What I’m doing is:
- Take my time. No need to reply immediately to an e-mail message (we don’t normally have a formal agreement that we should reply to an e-mail message anyway within a specific time frame, this is something we impose on ourselves).
- Read the message again. How well do we know the sender? What is his current situation, mood, etc.?
- Start preparing your reply to the e-mail message by clicking on the “reply” button, but remove the receiver’s e-mail address in the “to” field in order to prevent you sending the message accidentally before you are really finished.
- Start typing. This could be an angry reply but no worries. This is your first step. Save your e-mail message. After you have typed your initial response you are going to do something else.
- After a number of hours, maybe the next day, you open the e-mail message again and read what you have typed the previous time. Correct, add, etc. Analyze what you feel and think. Try to step in the shoes of the other person. Be also critical toward yourself. Does the sender have a point? Save your message again.
- After a number of iterations you add the e-mail address of the receiver and send your e-mail. Maybe you come to the conclusion that you want to send the e-mail after all not at all and was this your process dealing with your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
The communication process could be described by the picture that follows.
There are quite some different ways to communicate with other people.
- Verbal Communication: face-to-face, telephone, radio or television, and other interactive (social) media.
- Nonverbal Communication: body language, gestures, how we dress or act.
- Written Communication: letters, e-mails, books, blogs, or other (social) media.
- Visualizations: graphs and charts, maps, logos, etc.
Sender: the person who starts the communication in order to transfer information, ideas, etc., to other people.
Encoding: this is the process of converting what is said to words, actions, pictures, etc. This is the first cause for misunderstanding. A symbol in one language might have a very different (even an offensive) meaning in another language. This also applies to gestures. When both people are not native (or very experienced) speakers in the language being used this might also cause issues.
Receiver: the receiver is the person who receives the message assuming that the message is intended for this person. The challenge for the receiver is to understand in the best way what has been communicated.
Decoding: this is the process of the receiver to convert what has been received in such a way that the message is understood the way it was intended. The same challenges as with encoding are applicable.
Feedback: this is the process to ensure/check that the receiver has received the message and understood in the same sense as the sender meant it. Feedback should be given in the language of the receiver using his own words, not repeating what the sender has been saying.
The type of communication channel (or medium) can have a huge impact on how the receiver interprets the message! In case you can’t see the other person the majority of the communication is lost. E-mail is an example of poorest communication, according to me. It is, though, a good way to communicate facts, etc. During a project e-mail is an important way to document quality records.
6.4 Observing
Really observing what is going on is complex. Let me first of all make it very clear: Objective observation is an illusion.
Every human being has their own background, genetics, education, traumas, norms, values, experiences, culture, etc. This implies that every human being observes through their own colored glasses.
The way I’m looking at things could be very different compared to someone else. Please keep this in mind.
The challenge is to be able to understand these differences. You don’t need to share someone’s opinion in order to understand it and to acknowledge it.
The famous elephant drawing helps to understand this.
Imagine that people are blindfolded and touch the elephant at a number of areas.
They could come up with the following observations:
6.5 Character Structures
The intention of this section is to give you some idea about how people are preprogrammed in order to understand human behavior better. It is not my intention to give a full psychological analysis.
Alexander Lowen (student of Wilhelm Reich and founder of the bioenergetic analysis [24]) describes the character as: the totality of the mechanic, automatic, and unconscious ways of reacting by which the individual maintained his psychophysical balance. This balance makes sure that the feelings, emotions, and bodily impulses that for various reasons have been blocked, remain separated from the consciousness of the individual.
Wilhelm Reich [24] named this character structure the character armor, because of its defense function.
This armor has a bodily side in the form of chronic muscular tensions where the repressed material is hidden.
The basis of the character structure is formed during the first five years in childhood. There are a number of primary character structures (also called defense mechanisms).
Character structures are often reflected in the way the person is physically built.
It is not my intention to act as a therapist in this book. My intention is only to create awareness and understanding.
These character structures are:
Experiences in our childhood have a big impact on the development of our brain due to the activation or blocking of our genes (Susan Greenfield, Oxford, UK [25]).
6.5.1 Rigid
The structure is created due to lack of love for the child in the way it is. Feeling rejected is the real problem. They tend to focus on performance. There is no connection between the heart and sexuality. The tension is in the long muscles in the back (standing tall like a soldier with a straight back).
How you could deal with a person with this character type:
- Support him with getting in contact with his feelings (this is in fact therapeutic).
- Beware that he wants to have control.
- His anger is suppressed.
- Be aware that he wants to win. This might result in competition which might have a negative impact on other team members including you.
6.5.2 Oral
This character structure is due to not getting what he needs during the loving/feeding dependency phase. Child-like face and body, dependent personality, knees are locked, lack of energy, and collapsed chest.
How you could deal with a person with this character type:
- Be supportive
- Be accepting
- Be reliable
6.5.3 Symbiotic
This character structure is created when the development of melting with the mother to independency has not been completed properly. This structure can also be seen as a substructure of the oral structure.
This character structure is created when the developing will of the child is converted to the will of the mother. The body is big. The neck is thick/short, the pelvis is tucked in, and the back collapsed. The energy level is high but bound. Feelings are not shared.
How you could deal with a person with this character type:
- Give him freedom, don’t push him.
- Acknowledge his pain.
- Say “no” to his aggression.
6.5.5 Psychopathic
This character structure is created by making the child special alternately by the parent of the opposite sex and put back in its normal position. The objective is to have power over others by, for example, manipulation. The body is top heavy (upper half) and there is a lot of tension in the neck. This person has a very good image of himself.
How you could deal with a person with this character type:
- Be really present without being confronting.
- Stay in the driving seat.
- Don’t get too close.
6.5.6 Schizoid
This character structure is created when the newborn is not feeling welcome. This feeling is repeated later on and the person uses ideas and fantasies to escape. Muscles are strong and/or spastic. Might walk strange. Repression of feelings. Eyes are dull and do not connect with the other person. Tension in joints. Tendency to live in the head and fantasy.
How you could deal with a person with this character type:
- Show that you are happy with him. The main thing is that you really see him.
- Prevent confrontation.
- Stay open and in contact with him. He might not trust you.
6.6 The Problem behind the Problem
My objective of this section is to make you aware what the real problem is when people state their problem(s). To sort this out, you need to ask questions and not assume that this is their real problem. Listen between the lines. Observe what they say by words and how this is nonverbally expressed.
Look at the movements of the hands, head, and eyes for instance. How much eye contact is made and what type of eye contact is made (anxious, relaxed, etc.).
6.7 Old Pain
When we are born things happen that are a direct threat to our life. Examples are lack of food, abuse, and lack of warmth/love/support.
In order to protect ourselves we build a wall around us. We do this by means of denial. When we are adults this defense is destructive for ourselves.
As adults we can experience that a “trigger” (e.g., an event or TV program) activates the suppressed old reality including the associated emotion. The speed of this process is beyond our consciousness. We lose contact with our adult consciousness and switch to our child consciousness including the defense.
The problem is that our psychological immune system considers this as life threatening, resulting in a direct activation of the defense. However, this is “old pain.” We are in a “regression.”
The following defense mechanisms can be identified [26]:
- Anxiety and dissociation. Dissociation is a kind of stepping out of your body.
- Primary defense. Looking at yourself in a negative way (I can’t do this, I’m not ok, it is my fault).
- Unreal hope. When I do my best I’ll get “it.”
- Unreal power. If the other person will change we will get what we want.
- Denial of your needs. Examples are not having an own opinion, everything will be ok, delay, and avoid.
When we develop ourselves we could be able to recognize that we are in a regression and act as an adult to the situation instead of like a child.
Feelings that we are suppressing have power over us. When we liberate a feeling we do not only release the energy of that particular feeling but also the additional energy that was needed to suppress that feeling! Don’t underestimate how much energy it costs to suppress feelings!
One way of getting in contact with old pain, very often your Inner Child, is via an “anger session.” I did experience this myself as well. You are using a Japanese wooden sword (Aikido) and a rubber block. Initially you might not know what will be presenting itself but during hitting with the sword on the block this will become clear.
Don’t do this at home alone! It is important to have a person who knows how to handle this guide you and support you also afterward (psychological support)!
This is a word that will make many people rather nervous. Letting go and giving up control, trust, uncertainty, dependency, and vulnerable are just a few words you might recognize.
During for instance my psychosynthesis education we had a very nice exercise regarding surrender. We went outside in the forest, blindfolded, together with a guide who was guiding me through the forest. I had no idea where we would go to, had no idea about the path I was walking on (in the forest, paths are not really paved and of course my guide could also decide to leave the path and walk through the bushes, etc.), the pace of the walk, etc.
Each form of self-awareness and target orientation is related to muscle tension. When we are continuously ready for action, this results in stress or chronic fear. Are you aware of the tension of the muscles around your shoulders and neck for instance?
Our feelings are like the weather; it has no use to resist. By accepting your feelings, not suppressing, you will be able to process them. Surrender to our feelings doesn’t mean that we put down our problems. It means that we are going into confrontation with ourselves and that we accept ourselves the way we are and not the way we would like to be.
Emotions have a rational basis. This basis is very often coming from the past and not at this moment. However, we are reacting now and rather often the way a child would react and not as an adult.
Emotions are e-motions . . . they are moving externally. The intention of emotions is to remove what is blocking us. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are.
Suppressing feelings will only increase the pressure and one day they will come out like a volcano eruption. A trigger could be an existential crisis caused by for instance the death of a loved person.
Our body knows so much and has a huge memory . . . but do we (want to) listen to our body? Listen to what people say literally (this is a pain in the neck for instance). Listen to your body. What is pain indicating? Headache for instance: are you constantly “in your head” (overload and how about your feelings). How is your breath? Only the upper part of your chest moves? How about the abdomen area where your feelings are “located?”
How do you (fall) asleep? Does this take a long time? Is your mind still keeping you busy? Energy follows attention. One trick is to focus on your breath and breathe fully aware of your abdomen. This could help to fall asleep easier.
6.9 Our Beliefs and Thoughts
The Greek philosopher Epictetus stated: “we are not disturbed by what happens to us but by our thoughts about what is happening.”
When we are feeling stressed we can be sure that there is a specific thought that is causing this stress.
In order to solve this, we need to investigate the deeper thoughts. During a conversation, statements (beliefs) are made and these are picked up and investigated. An example: “I’m angry at my son because he is not listening.” Another famous one: “I’m not good enough.”
Byron Katie has developed The Work [27] which is based on asking four questions to investigate the belief:
- Is this true? What is the reality and whose business is it?
- Can you know absolutely sure that this is true?
- How do you react when you are having this thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
The website of Byron Katie contains a lot of material and more details on how to apply this (http://thework.com/en).
One thing I’ve also learned during The Work is asking myself frequently if something is going on and “whose business is this?” Very often I experienced that it was not MY business . . . Pretty confronting and at the same time giving relief. Don’t give unsolicited advice to people. This is very often what men do . . . Women for instance rather often just want you to listen and understand them. They are not looking for advice!
In case you feel the urge to give advice ask that person if he wants advice or not.
Keep in mind that you can’t change reality. Accept reality and start working from there. This saves you tons of energy and frustration.
6.10 Stress Management
Normally projects cause stress due to for instance the pressure put on people to meet milestones. I stated “put on people” deliberately while this is how the majority of people will experience this.
How people are dealing with pressure is rather personal. You can be a perfectionist and this is very often a cause for putting high pressure on yourself, resulting in stress. You can have the attitude of “mañana” in life (Spanish for “tomorrow there is another day”) which is much more relaxing.
Resuming: how you are dealing with stress depends on how your attitude toward life is. Dealing with stress is not depending on the person “putting pressure” on you but how YOU are dealing with this.
Now let’s have a look at how you as project manager can deal with stress in your team.
How you communicate is of course a very important factor. I guess projects executed in the army have a similar command structure as in the “normal” army way of dealing with people but let’s not discuss this type of projects.
One person is extrovert (expressing his feelings, etc.) and another one is more an introvert (not really expressing his feelings, etc. but keeping them inside). The behavior in a group is also different while one person shares what he wants easily and another person is not saying a word.
People could also be dealing with a stressful situation at home, for instance, due to a seriously ill person in the family and that could be something they don’t want to share in public. Therefore, it is important to have personal contact with all your team members. In case you are working with virtual teams, assign a local project manager (this is rather standard anyway) who will fulfill this task locally.
Recognizing stress, which could end up in a burnout, is of course the first step. Here also, prevention is better than cure (especially for the person involved!). Pay attention to the following:
- How is their attitude toward work? Are they making cynical remarks? Listen to people at the coffee machine. Have lunch with your team frequently.
- How is their energy level?
- Are they working with passion or “just doing their task?”
- How is the team atmosphere? Do you see that they are having fun?
- Do people share what is going on in their (private) lives with you?
- During frequent one-to-one meetings with your team members, do you notice loss of concentration and/or forgetfulness?
- Can they set and guard their own borders?
- Are they idealists, very loyal, or very duty loyal?
The second step is to discuss with the person what you have noticed and to verify this with them. How do they feel about this?
The third step is to monitor (in fact manage) and act when you have noticed that people are experiencing heavy stress.
Some stress is normal but this should not last for a long period; otherwise, this will slowly increase and become worse.
Beware that you have a project management role and not a psychologist role. So in case of issues contact the appropriate person within your organization (well-being, health, etc.) to support you.
Feedback, which in this case is “negative/critical,” is not always received positively by people. The standard reaction is very often the defensive reactions.
How do YOU deal with receiving critical/negative feedback? Do you feel attacked? Do you go into a (child) regression? Do you say “yes, but . . .” or “no way?” How does your body react? Do you feel anger or stress popping up?
Feedback SHOULD be intended for personal growth and not for burning somebody down to the ground and/or get rid of your own frustrations. Of course it is also very important as giver to be aware of the tone being used (the tone makes the music), the situation, the environment (e.g., not at the coffee machine), and personal circumstances of the receiver at that moment.
Let me give a few tips regarding giving proper feedback (with the intention to help the other person in his/her personal growth):
- Feedback is about behavior and NOT about who he/she is.
- Feedback is a description of what YOU observe and not a judgment about the behavior.
- Feedback is specific and not some kind of a general remark.
- Feedback is about what is happening now and not what has happened 3 months ago. Ask the person if he/she wants to receive feedback and respect his/her borders.
- Feedback is intended to enable the receiver to take action (if he/she does this or not is his/her business).
- Feedback is formulated in such a way that the receiver is invited to react (if he/she does this or not is his/her business).
And . . . a key question for you . . . what does feedback say about the person giving feedback?
I realize that much more can be written about this subject but my intention is to create awareness at this stage.
6.12 Subpersonalities
Are you aware that you have a lot of subpersonalities within you? What is a subpersonality? Let me give some examples: husband, father, tennis player, and project manager.
Who is actually choosing your role in particular circumstances for instance? Rather often not “I” but one of your subpersonalities. Each subpersonality tries to get in the lead and to act according to that role. Other subpersonalities are cut off at such a moment but are probably creating internal conflicts.
The best solution seems to get to know our subpersonalities. When you understand them they can help us in order to achieve bigger harmony, not feeling locked in by your created jail (unconsciously), and integrate them in your life.
How does this work? We can define the following stages in the development process of new subpersonalities [28]:
- Recognize. The initial battle is to express itself (subpersonality), which takes place often in our subconsciousness. You become aware of this subpersonality when the battle has reached an acute stadium. At such a late stage, the harmonization becomes harder than needed. It is therefore handy to become aware of this at an early stage. The challenge is to recognize not only their subpersonalities but also their patterns, behavior, and interaction.
Some subpersonalities are hidden deeply, which requires therapy to become visible.
Start with your subpersonality trip with picking out a few. Don’t try to get them all at the same time. Pay attention to new subpersonalities which are drawing your attention because they might have a good reason. Look at them both with horse sense and humor.
- Accept. Subpersonalities have both positive and negative aspects. You need to accept the negative aspects before you can change them. We have the tendency to reject a subpersonality we don’t like because we think that when we accept this it will remain this way. The opposite is true! In fact the opposite becomes reality. Due to the blockade the subpersonality is going to look for energy by manipulating and creating conflicts. We can’t make use anymore of his/her positive qualities, skills, and power. By accepting we can discover the true needs and fulfill them in the way we want resulting in an increase of the positive qualities.
Our attitude toward discovering new subpersonalities may vary just like meeting new people. The main factors are in this case our values and self-image. We tend to accept a subpersonality that is good and valuable according to our value system. In general we accept subpersonalities that are aligned with our self-image and reject the ones that are not in line.
Observe yourself and ask yourself “which part in me shows resistance against this subpersonality” (quite often the opposite subpersonality). Accept both the new and resisting subpersonalities and understand their needs and the way they react. Look for both acceptable way to satisfy their needs and how the interaction can be made more harmonic and constructive.
- Integrate. Integration in this context means the relationship of every subpersonality with the other subpersonalities, the location and interaction with this one in the total personality.
A person can be identified with a particular subpersonality so strongly that he thinks that he is this subpersonality (identification). Other subpersonalities are not really visible at this stage. Therefore, there are no real conflicts. This subpersonality acts as a kind of filter regarding energy distribution as well (other subpersonalities hardly get energy). The energy will look around the other subpersonalities to find subpersonalities that cause no trouble. This results in subpersonalities that are complementary and opposite compared to the dominant subpersonality.
The other subpersonality will increase its influence and conflicts are starting. This starts initially unconsciously but over time this will become consciously.
How could you deal with this struggle?
One option is to allocate time to the different subpersonalities. For instance, during working time the “hard worker” and during evening time the “party animal.” You need to recognize and accept them first and start a dialogue between them from the position as objective observer.
Another option is collaboration. By means of understanding the reasons of the conflict and needs of the subpersonality this can result by means of collaboration that both subpersonalities achieve their objectives.
- Synthesis. This phase is considered to be the top of individual growth. During this phase the life of the individual and his/her interaction with other people will become a harmonious collaboration.
6.13 Conflict Management
During each project, conflicts will arise especially when the pressure is increasing. Here are some practical tips:
- Separate the problem from the person!
- Speak to each person one-to-one first.
- Be empathic. Listing to the people also with your heart.
- Dive into the real cause of the conflict.
- Tackle a problem quickly in order to prevent it growing and becoming a real issue.
Many people, especially philosophers, have made statements about the human being. Below is a list I did compose over time (and which is still growing). When I look at the human history I’m wondering rather often if we are learning from the past. This is my attempt.
There is nothing in this world that can trouble you more than your own thoughts (many sources).
Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all (Aristotle).
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be always kind (many sources).
When you feel resistance, this is a signal that there is something to learn (many sources).
The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem (Captain Jack Sparrow).
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it isn’t open (Frank Zappa).
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito (Dalai Lama).
How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves (Paulo Coelho).
I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand (many sources).
Intelligence is the adaptability to change (Stephen Hawking).
We think too much and feel too little (Charlie Chaplin).
The only constant is change (many sources).
The only moment you are having is NOW (Eckhart Tolle).
The only certainty in life is that you will die. All other “certainties” are illusions (Lex van der Heijden).
Work for a cause, not for applause (Prof. Dr. Herman van den Broeck).
Live life to express, not to impress (Prof. Dr. Herman van den Broeck).