This chapter explains what rapport is, and why it’s relevant to your coaching. We’ll look at the causes and features of good and poor rapport, so you’ll know what affects it. You’ll also be encouraged to think about how you experience rapport, and how you might develop this important skill further.
What is rapport?
Rapport is the sense of warmth and affinity in a relationship, either in a brief moment, like a quick conversation, or over time in a longer-term relationship. Rapport also refers to your quality of relatedness to someone else. That might be relatedness in the present moment, for example ‘I’m feeling comfortable with this person’, or it might refer to a relationship over time, for example ‘I always enjoy talking to him/her’.
You may experience good rapport as feelings of warmth, comfort or ‘sameness’. The rapport you feel with another person will affect your feelings and behaviour. For example, when you have good rapport you are likely to feel comfortable and be able to be yourself and act naturally. The other person is also likely to experience similar feelings as they, too, experience this sense of comfort. Two people with good rapport are also more likely to trust each other, and their willingness to be open with each other will increase.
You might experience poor rapport as ‘coolness’ or a sense of being different from another person. This feeling of being ‘different’ from someone else might also create feelings of separateness or detachment. That may or may not be an issue, depending on your objectives in the situation. For example, it’s helpful if you want to discourage a stranger from talking to you further.
A scale of rapport
There is a common misunderstanding that we either have or don’t have rapport in a situation. This is unhelpful because it suggests that we either do or don’t have a relationship with someone. But where we are relating in any way to another person – for example in conversation, via email, on the telephone – then we are connecting to them. This connection creates a relationship of some sort, which is rapport. Whether that relationship is warm or cool is simply an indicator of the quality of that rapport. It’s as if there are levels of rapport, or a scale that moves above and below a neutral position. Figure 5.1 illustrates this idea of levels of rapport.
Why is rapport so important?
Positive rapport creates a climate of openness and trust and helps people express themselves naturally. So in coaching, positive rapport helps you influence someone constructively, i.e. without dictating to them. Also, when we coach, we encourage people to think for themselves, and that is much harder without good rapport. Plus, we sometimes need to challenge people or give them feedback in a way that builds confidence rather than discomfort. It’s important that feedback and challenge are received effectively and good rapport helps you be viewed as a supportive colleague rather than a critical threat.
Figure 5.1 Scale of rapport
Warm or cool – what’s the difference?
Use the following questions to work with rapport principles for yourself.
- Think of someone in a work situation with whom you feel you have good rapport, then ask yourself:
Q: How do you feel when you’re with them?
Q: How do your feelings of good rapport with this person affect how you are when you’re with them?
Q: How does this person seem the same as, or similar to, you? - Now think of someone in a work situation with whom you don’t have good rapport. Try to choose someone with whom you want better rapport (rather than someone you simply don’t like). Now reflect upon the following questions:
Q: How do you feel when you’re with this person, for example talking to them?
Q: How do your feelings of poor rapport affect how you are when you’re with them? For example, how natural are you?
Q: How does this person seem different from, or not the same as, you? - Finally, with the person with whom you don’t have good rapport, consider:
Q: How would it benefit you to have better rapport with this person? For example, how would things be different?
Q: How do your thoughts or feelings of ‘difference’ affect you around this person?
Q: How can you encourage feelings of sameness or relatedness? For example, asking ‘What do we have in common here?’
What affects rapport?
Rapport is built on features of sameness. Basically, where we feel we are the same as someone else, we feel more connection to them than if we think we are different. These features of sameness can include:
- how we appear to someone, for example physical appearance, clothing, racial background
- how we speak, for example qualities of voice, energy, volume, speed
- what words we use, for example same jargon, key phrases
- the sameness or difference of our ‘body language’, for example you use lots of hand gestures and so do I
- the values or beliefs we seem to have, for example you’re a vegetarian and so am I, or you support a certain football team.
The above list is as relevant for boardrooms in business as it is for gang culture on the streets. Basically, when you look like me, sound like me, seem like me, then I’ll feel more comfortable with you. Try going to work in your gardening clothes and see the difference in how people respond to you (unless you work in a garden centre, of course). And if someone’s accent or manner is very different from yours, does it take you a little longer to establish rapport? In the workplace or on the streets, we all have our buzzwords, common language or acronyms that distinguish us.
Watch rapport in action
Choose a situation in which groups of people are present. Watch and listen for a while, then ask yourself the following questions.
- How do you know if people are ‘getting along well’? Look for physical, vocal and energetic matching, for example are they as animated as each other?
- What are the signs that people are cool or detached towards each other? Look for signs of mismatching.
- In a conversation or in a meeting, what impact does good rapport have?
- How does ‘detachment’ or lack of rapport impact the quality of a conversation?
- How does the quality of rapport in your work relationships affect collaboration and results?
As you notice the signs and impact of rapport, you naturally deepen your awareness and understanding of this topic.
How to build rapport
When you have positive rapport with someone, you’ll probably know. For example, you’ll feel generally comfortable, and notice that they appear comfortable too. Where rapport is not an issue, then I’d suggest you reduce your focus on it and even forget about it. Understanding what impacts rapport is most valuable when you notice you haven’t got it. As you feel less comfortable in a situation and are aware that there’s an issue with rapport, then you’ll want to attend to that.
For most relationships in the workplace you need to be in the positive ranges on our scale of rapport (Figure 5.1). Here are some indications of rapport dipping into the negative ranges.
- You have a sense of separation, detachment, or difference.
- You’re feeling less comfortable in the conversation, i.e. you’re not being natural.
- You seem less able to express yourself or your ideas in a way that is understood.
- The other person seems lacking in warmth or openness towards you.
- The quality of mutual understanding is below what it needs to be.
The following exercise will help you to build rapport when you’ve decided that’s what’s needed.
When rapport isn’t developing
During a conversation in which you feel a good rapport isn’t there, and you want it to be, try the following process to improve that:
- Relax! That allows you to be able to notice subtle signals, because if you’re stressed or frustrated it’s more difficult to be aware.
- Next, have the intention to be more ‘related’ to the other person. For example, focus on a thought like ‘How are we the same here?’
- Notice what might be causing lack of rapport – look for major differences. Consider mismatches such as energy, body language or voice quality.
If you’re fairly relaxed, have the intention to be related and then look for what’s causing a lack of rapport, you’re very likely to notice something useful. Once you have that idea, you can adapt your own behaviour in a natural way. For example, maybe you notice you’ve been doing most of the talking, or maybe the other person speaks with more, or less, energy than you do. Maybe the difference is what you both think about the situation (there’s a lack of mutual understanding). You might choose to pull the conversation back to the starting point, for example ‘Okay, let’s confirm what we’re both saying here. Can you explain your view again?’ When a person feels that you are genuinely listening to them, they are more likely to listen to you and your views. When mutual understanding is achieved, you can build on that.
Your intention often makes the biggest difference. So have the intention to gain rapport, hold the thought for a while, then let it go. Also by focusing less on difference, and more on how you are alike, you build rapport more easily. Your ‘being alike’ may encompass many different things, from gestures to values or a sense of what’s important.
Empathy creates relatedness, which creates connection
Empathy is the ability to relate to another person in their own terms and will help you to build rapport. Empathy requires that we notice another person’s experience and sometimes how they’re feeling. It can be as simple as saying ‘I guess that’s pretty frustrating for you’. When we notice and acknowledge someone, we create feelings of relatedness. For example, you might complain that your current workload means that you are working really long hours. If I hear that and don’t acknowledge that in some way, you may decide that I don’t relate to your situation appropriately, or don’t care. It may just take a simple remark like ‘Okay, that’s not great, is it? Let’s look at what’s causing that.’ But if I’d simply said ‘Let’s look at what’s causing that’, I might seem more detached from your situation.
Prepare in advance: fast first rapport principles
Let’s say you’ve got an important conversation coming up and you want to be sure you build rapport quickly. Here are some simple things you can do:
- Make sure you’re feeling calm, for example it often helps to breathe slowly from your stomach.
- Make sure that your attention is focused on the present, for example noticing what’s happening right now.
- Turn your attention to the person you want to establish rapport with, and notice key aspects of their style. For example, how much energy do they display? How quickly or loudly do they talk? What’s their physical posture – closed, open, etc.?
- Use your intention to help you build rapport. For example, think ‘How can I stay related to you?’ and let this thought help you ‘tune into’ the other person and their world.
- Trust your ability to notice what you need to notice and, as you do so, make any adjustments necessary. For example, quieten your voice, or smile a little more, or slow down as you speak.
First try these ideas somewhere where the stakes are lower, for example with a person serving you in a shop, or in casual conversation. Notice the things that seem to make the most difference for you, such as the idea of ‘tuning in’ or matching energy.
Building rapport or relationship
If you want to encourage others to be open to and trusting of you in a conversation, you must be able to create healthy levels of rapport. Rapport is built on features of sameness, and poor rapport normally indicates feelings of detachment or difference. By increasing your ability to relate to others on their own terms, you improve your ability to develop good rapport and therefore influence.