This chapter talks about what it takes to really listen to someone else and what sometimes gets in the way of that. We’ll look at the features of good listening, and what we mean by focused listening. We’ll also find ways of practising listening to increase our normal capacity to listen.
In a conversation where you aim to coach someone, your need to listen goes beyond a simple need to hear information. When we do not listen well, our understanding of someone and their conversation reduces, as does our ability to react appropriately. Yet when we listen to someone really well, we can actually help them to speak and express themselves. It’s as if they recognise they are really being listened to, and so can relax and simply speak; if you’ve ever been partially ignored as you tried to explain something, you already know this. Good listeners build rapport and warmth more naturally, through their increased focus on other people.
Listening begins with intention and concentration
The quality of your listening is directly linked to your attention. So good listening demands that you make a conscious effort to listen. Your intention to listen begins that. You also need a clear mind, free of chatter – and that flows more easily from your intention. When we’re kind of listening to someone (and not really), our attention is partly on the person we are with and partly on our own thoughts. I call this ‘cosmetic listening’, as it has a superficial or cosmetic quality to it. Sometimes this quality of listening may be okay, for example when listening to the chatter of a child. However, it is ineffective within a coaching conversation. Poor concentration, being distracted and generally not making the other person important are all barriers that you must overcome if you are going to be a good listener. Developing a strong intention, clear focus and concentration will help you with that.
Develop self-awareness – how do you listen?
Reflect on a recent conversation (or do this exercise after your next conversation). Then ask yourself:
- While the other person was talking, how much of your focus (or attention) was on what they were saying and how much was it on what you were thinking?
- How busy (or quiet) was your mind during the conversation?
- Were there any persistent thoughts or feelings you were having during the conversation? If there were, how did those thoughts affect you in the conversation?
- If we asked the other person to describe how ‘listened to’ they felt during that conversation, what do you think they would say?
- What would it take for you to be a better listener?
Use your responses to change your approach in future conversations, or even your next one! Try listening to someone in a different way and see if you can improve the quality of your listening.
Develop your power of attention
The basic principle of good listening is actually that you need to ‘be with’ the person you are supposed to be listening to. This requires that you develop a clear focus upon them. What stops your attention being on another person is a combination of internal and external distractions. Internal distractions include your thoughts, judgements or ‘mind chatter’. External distractions range from mobile phones to traffic noise to your physical situation (room, etc.) – or anything you allow your attention to rest on. Imagine your attention as the beam of a torch you can adjust by twisting the lens. If you broaden the arc/span of the beam, then that dilutes the brightness of the light. When you reduce the arc of the torch beam back down, then the light gets brighter. So it is with listening. We need to increase our focus on the person we are with. Try it now; how clear is your attention and focus on this book? And what might be distracting your focus to other things? Notice the impact on the quality of your experience in this moment. During a coaching session, you need to be able to maintain this proper attention for long periods of time. Depending on what type of coaching you do, some sessions can last hours and maintaining effective listening for that long isn’t something most people can do.
Please stay positive about your ability to develop this proper attention. It’s a muscle you develop over time and with regular practice. You will build that from whatever your current tendency is. For example, consider:
- How scattered or focused is your attention when you are in conversation with someone?
- What distracts you from maintaining a focused attention on them?
- What would you have to give up, or stop doing, to create a better attention on someone else?
A good way to increase your capacity to create a stronger attention in this way is to practise ‘present-moment awareness’ – this means you must clear your mind and focus on what’s happening right now. The following exercise will help you to do this.
Practise present-moment awareness
This exercise can help you stay present both to yourself and to other people. If you know you tend to ‘live in your mind’, it’s a good way to ground yourself back into reality. It’s also a way to reduce stress, as your mind naturally falls quiet from troubling thoughts. Use this anywhere (and everywhere) to practise being present.
- Notice your surroundings. Begin to notice your immediate surroundings in more detail, by turning your attention to them. First, listen. What sounds can you hear? What can you see? Look at things afresh, notice some detail, register where you are and what’s happening (or not happening).
- Notice your body. Now notice your body in its current position and posture. Notice how your body feels, perhaps move a little more, and get a stronger sense of being in your body. Then check your breathing. How is your stomach affected by that?
- Notice your mind. Next, notice your mind and what’s going on with that. What thoughts are there? As thoughts are not needed here, simply refocus on being in your body, in the environment you’re in right now. Clear your mind by focusing only on what’s happening now. If any thoughts drift in, simply notice them and refocus on what’s happening now.
Filtered listening
Just as important as our effort to listen is our intention of how we are going to listen. For example, if I listen to you as if you are someone who doesn’t know very much, then my presupposition impacts upon what I hear. My assumption that you don’t know very much will cause me to filter what you say for things that confirm my belief. Alternatively, if I intend to listen to you as someone who has great knowledge, then the manner of my listening is changed. Think about sitting down with someone like Barack Obama and asking him what he thinks about environmental issues. How would your listening be different if you asked the same question of your next-door neighbour? Your beliefs about these two people may/may not affect how you listen to them. Pearls of wisdom spoken by your next-door neighbour may not have as profound an impact upon you as the same ideas spoken by a statesman. That’s why subjective qualities such as charisma or positive reputation are so highly prized where influence is someone’s key to success. They have a marked effect on someone’s ability to convince or persuade, as they create positive filters for an audience’s listening.
Listening from nothing
A specific posture I’d encourage you to develop is your ability to listen ‘from nothing’. That is, as you listen to someone, have no assumptions about them or what they are saying. As you listen, experience them as they are in that moment, and focus on what they are saying – in that moment. Your mind is free of judgement-type thoughts based on your previous experience of them, as though you now listen to them afresh. It’s a practical experience of being present to them. We have a sense of being with them, rather than being in our own mind, with our thoughts. When you are listen in this way, your mind is mostly still and quiet, as your focus is on what the other person says.
Listening ‘from nothing’ is a challenge, as we need to clear our minds of what we already think about a person, based on our experience of them. Even if we’ve only just met someone, we form quick opinions or judgements about who we think they are, and what they are like. The following exercise will help you stay focused on someone else in a conversation, rather than on your thoughts about them.
Build better listening
The following ideas will help in advance of a conversation where you want to develop (and demonstrate) better listening.
As you prepare to begin the conversation
- Stay calm and relaxed. Use steady breathing and an upright, open posture to help maintain feelings of peaceful strength.
- Decide your intention for the conversation, for example ‘I want to gather the key facts from this conversation’, or ‘I want the other person to feel heard’.
- Focus your attention; get present, listen to your surroundings, attune to what is happening.
During the conversation
- Maintain a calm and focused attention on the person you are listening to.
- Use your body to demonstrate (and enable) effective listening, for example face someone directly, maintain an open posture towards them.
- Maintain your attention (and demonstrate interest); ask questions such as ‘Can you say more about that?’ or make observations or summarise what has been said.
- Any time your attention wanders, confirm your intention, for example ‘I want to stay focused on the key facts here’.
Following the conversation
- Reflect a little on what went well and what you want to improve. Note down your ideas, for example ‘Stay focused on what they’re saying, rather than what I’m thinking’.
Barriers to listening
None of us intends to be a poor listener, it’s just that the barriers to listening are many and varied. Sometimes our attention is on ourselves and our thinking, rather than on the other person. Our mind may be full of thoughts or ideas. Or we like to control the direction of the conversation, maybe to talk about things we know about, or things that are important to us. For example, you may think, ‘All this chatter about staff training is fine but I’m more interested in the real reason they’re not getting things done.’
Another natural, human tendency is to want to put something of ourselves into the conversation, perhaps to impress the other person or make them like us. For example, someone might begin to explain a current issue they have at work and you relate to it totally. You might say ‘Ah, yes I’ve had something similar happen to me, let me tell you about it . . . ’ So you have distracted them from completing their story and sharing their understanding of that. As a coach, you have turned the focus of attention off them and onto you and they may be distracted or hindered by that. As it’s the other person who is sharing their issue, and you haven’t yet explored it properly, the positive impact of listening to them effectively is lost.
Talking about our own experiences doesn’t make us bad people – we often don’t intend to distract the conversation from the speaker. In some conversations it’s okay and actually quite fun to do, for example ‘Oh, you think that’s bad? – hey, I can beat that one!’ It depends on the situation and our intentions for that. The issue is our poor self-awareness, i.e. we don’t realise that we hijacked a conversation and we have reduced the quality of that conversation as a result. In the previous work example, if I don’t notice that I’m telling my story about the ‘similar thing that happened to me’ simply to put myself into the conversation, then I’m unlikely to stop myself doing that. But when I recognise that what I’m doing distracts from the importance of what the other person is describing (their current issue), I can ignore my own urge to interrupt.
Focused listening
For any manager and coach, focused listening is a valuable skill to develop. Effective listening allows us to tap into a rich seam of understanding and influence. When we listen properly to someone, we can literally increase their ability to express themselves. What stops us from listening in any situation is simply ourselves. Either we are distracted by our own thoughts or ideas, or we simply don’t make the effort to focus on someone else. Really good listening demands that we make the other person more important in the conversation and let go of the importance of ourselves. As we really focus on someone else with the intention of listening fully to them, the sense of ourselves, our ego, diminishes.