CHAPTER 11:
Don’t Have Time to Listen? Try These Tips

Listening is perhaps the greatest skill an expert communicator can develop. This capability can make the difference between communication and miscommunication, and between enhancing relationships and harming them. How well do you really listen? Have you ever said you are “multitasking” while attempting to listen? In this age of working flat out, to what extent do you make yourself available to listen? What are the benefits of listening to achieving top individual and corporate performance?

Managers are responsible for the success of the communication. Listening intently—to be sure you understand what the speaker means—is a part of all communication. It takes a few minutes of concentrated attention, but it can save an immense amount of time. If you and your team are under pressure because of leaner staffing, listening heightens your chances of success. It is critical to understand the messages the first time to save time.

Why Listen?

In one seminar I teach we do a three-minute listening exercise. People are amazed how much they can learn from the other person in only three minutes. And the speakers report how good it feels to be truly listened to—a luxury most do not enjoy very often. Once, a participant said, “This is fine for a role-play, but in real life I do not have three minutes to listen to my employees.” I was astounded. Three minutes? I gently took listening to the next step by showing how it weaves through every single management function.

Listening is an integral part of developing relationships. A manager cannot show she cares about people and earn their trust if she does not fully listen to them. In previous chapters this book has established the importance of relationships to getting work done and preventing and solving communication problems with people. Real listening builds credibility and trust, which are necessary for influence and persuasion.

Listening is crucial when delegating and clarifying expectations. Managers must communicate back and forth with direct reports to ensure that both manager and employee have the same understanding of the goals or informal expectations.

How could managers give feedback without listening to the employee’s perspective? Expert coaches have highly developed listening skills since coaching is a collaborative conversation. In fact, any collaborative conversation implies that both parties are listening to one another.

Tips for Collaborative Listening

The listener’s body language lets the speaker know that he has the listener’s attention. Eye contact—not eyes glazing over, but genuine, attentive eye contact—is the first indication of listening. Open body language, where the manager faces the direct report with arms open—not crossed, not working on a handheld or a computer, and not fussing with papers— shows it is the employee’s turn to talk and that what the employee has to say is valued. Other listening body language consists of facial expressions and head movement. The listener might use such facial expressions as a slight frown or a general confused look in the eyes if she does not understand. Or the listener might nod her head slightly to show that she does understand.

Comments such as “Uh-huh,” “Hmmm,” “Yes,” “I see,” and “Oh?” said in a neutral, friendly tone of voice are nonjudgmental and noncommittal and encourage the speaker to continue talking. They are indicators that the listener is interested in hearing more detail about this topic.

Employee: “So accounting has not gotten back to me on that report …”

Manager: “Oh?”

Employee: “No. I guess I had better call them right now to follow up.”

Clarifying What We Think We Heard

Another valuable act of listening is clarifying what we think we heard. This is done by restating comments the direct report makes, asking clarification questions, and paraphrasing what we thought we heard. This way we can be sure we understand the real meaning of what the person meant to say. It does not necessarily mean we agree with what the person said. It does mean we respect her enough to let her know her message has been received the way she wanted it to be heard. This is easy to do if we take the time to clarify, rather than tuning out what has been said or accepting it at face value.

1. Restate comments. When you use the speaker’s own words, you prove that you are still listening and want a more in-depth explanation. These comments reflect what the direct report says or implies. These comments can be used to draw out more information and to establish empathy. Here is an example:

Employee: “I’m not sure I can make that deadline for project X. I’ve got so many other projects right now.”

Manager: “So you might not be able to meet the deadline because of your other projects?”

2. Ask clarification questions. When you want to probe deeper to clarify your understanding of what the direct report really means, request clarification. For example:

Employee: “I need more employees if we are going to meet the target date.”

Manager: “Tell me a little more about why you think you need more staff.”

Or

Employee: “That sales department is such a loser. They promise the moon to our customers and we can’t even get the products developed by then.”

Manager: “What exactly did the sales department promise and to which customer? When do you think your team will finish the product development?”

3. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing is similar to restating, except that in paraphrasing you use your own words instead of the speaker’s. Also, listeners often paraphrase using a question instead of a statement. The purpose of paraphrasing is to be sure you understand what the direct report meant—by saying it a different way. Especially when used in question form, paraphrasing is collaborative because it invites the speaker to continue.

Employee: “Heather, we’ve got a problem. Those guys from manufacturing are messing up our schedule with the customers. We, the sales department, promised our top customer that we would deliver the new product to them by next Wednesday. We based this promise on what Ron, the head of manufacturing, told us. Now they are blaming us and we won’t have the product by Wednesday. This is going to dent our relationship with our highest-revenue customer. This could mean the company misses our quarterly revenue target.”

Manager: “Let me see if I’ve got this straight, Eliot. There are a lot of issues you are raising. Are you saying that we are not going to make corporate revenue projections this quarter?”

Employee: “Well, no. I’m just saying we might not.”

Manager: “So just to be sure I understand your other concerns, is it definite that we will not deliver the product by Wednesday?”

Notice that, with the three techniques of restating the employee’s comment, asking clarifying questions, and paraphrasing, the only purpose is to understand the speaker’s meaning. The manager does not give advice and jump in with a solution. A solution might not be appropriate, because the manager might not grasp what the employee actually meant or have enough facts yet. Notice also that the manager does not change the attention from the direct report to himself by saying, “Me too. I had that same problem.” The manager does not agree or disagree with the employee’s statements—he or she merely tries to accurately comprehend them. This requires neutrality and withholding judgment.

Listening Is the Key to Delivering Desired Results

Scott Torok, co-owner of Descend Salon in San Francisco, prides himself on purposeful consideration for creating beauty and style—for the well-being of his clients. To achieve this high standard, he has acquired expert communication skills. “A communication breakdown equals a bad haircut,” Scott says. He continues, “You have to really listen. Not just half listen and think, ‘I’ll just do haircut #2.’ ”

Scott always paraphrases what the client says to be sure he understands what it is the client really means. He cites two examples of potential miscommunication. The client says, “I want my hair over my ears.” Does that mean covering the ears, or the ability to tuck it behind the ears, or cut above the ears? So he moves the hair one position at a time and says, “Do you mean you want it this way, or this way?” Another common issue is the client with hair layers who says, “I want my hair all one length.” Scott takes a section of hair from the top and shows her that to have her hair all one length, he would need to cut the bottom of the hair off to meet the end of the top layer. This would result in a short haircut that was unwanted. Sometimes the client really wants layers on top.

“That’s why a lot of hairstylists fail to give clients what they want,” Scott says. “They don’t listen carefully enough to understand what the client means. Listening and paraphrasing can take a little time up front, but it sure improves the outcome and it builds trust and relationships. This can result in repeat business with long-term customers and can generate goodwill for the next interaction.”

Scott’s example can be applied to any situation at work. If we don’t listen and clarify, we are likely to misunderstand the facts, which could have results ranging from minor to disastrous for a project or client. In order to work collaboratively, managers must listen. It is impossible to be collegial and not listen to and understand the other person’s point of view.

Not listening can isolate employees and limit organizations from reaching their goals. Near Boston, Massachusetts, Jared, an engineer in his mid-twenties was recently disenchanted with his start-up company because he and his peers were not listened to. Jared got frustrated and began to pull back his commitment because the engineering recommendations were being disregarded.

Jared said, “Senior management has risen so far above that they don’t take the advice of the people in the trenches—the technical experts. Upper management doesn’t know what they are doing. This can impact our company’s success.” It was like learning that there is no Santa Claus. Jared, an MIT graduate with international exposure on a team project, was hired because of his knowledge and invention capabilities. Suddenly his bubble of security was burst. He was on the first rung of realizing the world is not necessarily logical. The senior managers don’t always listen to the people who can help propel the product suite forward.

Listening Can Change Relationships

Allison, a single mom of a teenaged boy, came to me privately at the end of the first day of a three-day seminar. She and her fifteen-year-old son were having difficulty communicating. Although she attended the class to enhance management skills, a greater, more basic need emerged—her desire to parent well. She wanted to improve her relationship with her son and then transfer the new skills to work. She needed to do this because her home relationship was distracting her from her work.

Allison said that her son would storm out of the room when she tried to talk with him. She resorted to shouting. She was astounded by how the class discussion that day, and the listening process in particular, had stimulated changes in other participants. Christopher, another participant, had a parallel situation to Allison’s. One of his direct reports displayed the same behavior on the job as Allison’s son did at home. Christopher’s previous reaction to the employee was also to shout.

Throughout the seminars, I encourage people to make commitments to change back on the job by stating specific action items. Christopher said he was never going to shout on the job again. Allison was inspired that Christopher could make such a strong statement of his intention. She said she was going to do the same thing at home—not ever shout again. She went home to try it out.

The next morning, Allison came in quite early to talk to me. She dabbed off the tears rolling down her cheeks. She said she had practiced the listening process with her son and it had worked. In fact, he was so surprised that she was listening to what he said that he asked her, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” she replied to him. “I’m starting to listen. I am never going to shout at you again. I’m listening to what you have to say from now on.” He stayed seated in the room and talked with her. A week later, Allison e-mailed me that she was not only successfully listening at home, but also to her direct reports at work. She noted favorable changes in relationships and impact on getting things done.

A Simple Listening Process

Listening is easy if a manager makes a commitment to listen. Sometimes you will be too busy to listen. You might be solving a crisis, be on a deadline, or have an appointment. If you do not have time to listen, say so. Tell your reports that what they have to say is important to you and you want to give it the attention it deserves. Invite employees to come back at a specific time when you will be able to concentrate fully on their message. When you are ready, here are four tips:

1. Clear all other thoughts and focus only on the person.

2. Eliminate thoughts of yourself—no advice, no “me too.”

3. Use open, listening body language as described earlier in this chapter.

4. Clarify what you think you heard by restating, asking clarifying questions, and paraphrasing.

That is it. When managers use this easy process instead of assuming they know what the speaker means, amazing relationships and understanding about the work emerge. When managers do not interrupt, multitask, or act hurried, but actually listen, rework is reduced and better products are produced.

Listening with Your Heart—Speak Their Language

Jane Rundle, from Vancouver, British Columbia (BC), Canada, has an interesting story to tell. Jane said that, throughout her life, she attempted to get collaborative results with whomever she was working. Jane said, “The common thread from being an art educator in New York City to being an art administrator in the Okanagan, BC, to being co-editor of the North Shore Stroke Recovery Centre newsletter in Vancouver was speaking their language.

“When I say speak their language,” Jane continues, “I mean finding what works for them so we could reach the goals.” In order to do this, Jane had to pay close attention to whomever she was working with and listen with her heart. She set the intention to both develop the relationships and achieve the objectives.

“In New York City, I taught art in a public high school. We had a common goal that the students would be able to create art. However, I realized that my students were not comprehending the design concepts that I was trying to teach them. I also noticed that they danced as they made their hand-built pottery. So I utilized their passion for dance and made arrangements to do dance movement in various galleries of the Metropolitan Museum. As they moved from Greek sculpture to African sculpture, I realized that they were slowly internalizing design concepts of line. By the time we got to the modern art gallery, they were shouting, ‘I’ll be the blue line and you be the red line.’ Their subsequent work at school just blossomed. Our goal of learning concepts of design so they might enjoy creating art was achieved.

“In Penticton, I was director curator of the city’s art gallery. I was sensitive to what the community would enjoy seeing so as to get them to come to the gallery. Again, I spoke their language. Without judgment, I observed, intuited, and assessed where the community was and met them where they were. Community involvement was low prior to my being hired. A goal was to attract the community. Coming from Manhattan, I was familiar with art exhibits. This was not Manhattan. It was a small, rural community in an isolated area of BC. I needed to meet their needs, not mine. By exhibiting many shows that I might not have considered high art, I established a trust with them so that when I did bring in ‘higher-risk’ exhibits, a trust relationship had been established. They were more receptive to the exhibitions. I also wrote a weekly column in the local newspaper. This gave them a hook or springboard from which to start to view the abstract art. Speaking their language worked.”

Jane says her approach continues to work.

“Now with editing the newsletter for a readership of stroke survivors, caregivers, and medical professionals, I again speak their language. Being a stroke survivor myself, I am aware that what I write needs to include their accommodations. The articles need to be short for attention spans. If I write a recipe, I also include how this can be done with one hand or with limited muscle strength.

“I also speak their language when we are together in person. For those friends with left-sided deficit (they cannot see midline to the left of their bodies), I stand to their right side so they can see me. I do not finish sentences with aphasic friends. I use humor and suggest we play charades when they have trouble speaking. I’ll laugh and say ‘Three words? First word, two syllables?’ I smile and sincerely appreciate people for who they are—just as they are. Without judgment, I build on their strengths, not mine. I care about them as if they are my family.”

When a person listens with her heart to what others need, it is genuine communication. You get the other person on board and work together side by side. Also, he will listen better to you when you respect, appreciate, and listen to him.

Listening with your heart so you can speak another’s language and meet common goals is an extraordinary skill managers can develop. It is a fundamental part of collaboration to understand the needs and approaches of others and work toward meeting them.

Summary

Listening, including asking appropriate questions, is the fulcrum to the lever that coaching offers. Listening multiplies the effect that coaching can have on the desired behavioral change. Listening combines relationship—intention to understand the other person’s point of view—with process—a step-by-step approach.

Strong listening validates the other person’s thoughts. Listening carefully shows that you heard what the speaker meant to convey, not just his words. It demonstrates patience and desire to enhance the working relationship because the person and his ideas are worth the time to be aired and assimilated. Listening is an important part of persuasion, which is at the top of the skills list for most of today’s professionals.