CHAPTER 1:
The Power of Relationship
This chapter gives tips on how to reinforce relationships and thus prevent performance disappointments—even when dealing with people you don’t like. Good working relationships are pivotal to getting positive results and developing team harmony. When interpersonal communication at work is pleasant, people can focus on the projects and tasks instead of being sidetracked by poor relationships.
The manager’s intention and decision to form good working relationships is crucial. Leaving it to chance means ignoring a great opportunity to create an environment conducive to people producing their best work.
Your staff know what your intentions are. They know whether or not you value them as persons or just as tools to get what you need done. They know if you like them or not. Managers need to communicate that they value relationships with their direct reports.
What Is a Work Relationship?
Simply stated, a working relationship is a connection between people who deal with each other in some work way. The association can be required by business interactions or can be desired based on enjoyment of productively working together and trusting the other person will contribute and meet deadlines.
Relationships can be kept at the acquaintance level or can involve a continued connection that develops rapport and mutual trust. Some people may go beyond the minimum work requirements and enjoy coffee or lunch together to learn more about each other’s backgrounds and interests. Others may choose friendship based on compatibility and common pursuits. I have enjoyed friendships with both my managers and my direct reports. Some of these friendships took place only at work. For others, we chose to socialize outside of work and were close friends. Sometimes people keep up the relationship after they cease working together and sometimes they do not. So there is a wide range of acceptable work-related relationships.
The word “relationship” intimidates some managers because they think it implies friendship or getting close to someone. They don’t want to invest time in a relationship and they don’t want to get personal with coworkers. In reality, it can have a minimal meaning of being respectful, friendly, and courteous and getting the work done together. It does not have to be personal.
Some managers do want to be somewhat personal but want to know where to draw the line. How personal can we be in establishing work relationships? One senior executive asked, “Most people do want to talk about their kids, but how friendly and personal can we be without being nosy?” Managers do want to play it safe and not offend direct reports. There is no one way to define work relationships. The work must get accomplished and the manager needs to create a comfortable environment with open communication so coworkers can trust and help each other. The types of relationships developed depend on the people and the situation.
Types of Relationships
Years ago I had a friend named Jerry who liked to shop at the corner grocery store. Every time he shopped there he complained about how high the prices were. “Why don’t you go to the big chain grocery store?” I asked. “It’s two blocks closer to your home.” “No,” he would always say. “I go to the mom-and-pop store because they know my name.”
Jerry felt good because the corner grocers treated him as an individual person. He could not expect this treatment at the chain grocery store where the checkout people would ring up his groceries but not show any interest in him. He was willing to pay more and walk farther because he enjoyed the relationship at the mom-and-pop store.
On the other hand, a relationship can be based on the quality of the work. I have used the same dry cleaner for years because I like the consistent results. Ownership and employees have changed, but the standard of quality remains. My relationship with the current woman at the dry cleaner is friendly, cordial, and surface. We smile, exchange pleasantries, and nothing personal is discussed. Our brief but regular interactions deal only with the task at hand—the dry cleaning of my clothes—and perhaps comments about the weather and other small talk. If there is a button missing or a shirt that needs to be re-ironed, I bring it up in a friendly, nondemanding, nonaccusatory way that leaves the door open for her to suggest the solution. Our relationship is based entirely on the business transaction. If I didn’t like the quality of the work, I wouldn’t patronize the shop.
Relationships vary depending upon how much both parties want to know about each other. Many neighbors have relationships. Typically they entail showing respect and meeting mutual community goals— cleanliness, safety, and regulations, if the neighborhood has an association. Maybe neighbors collect each other’s mail and papers and care for animals during vacations. One household might have neighbors they only say hello to, ones they see only at neighborhood social functions, and others they are friends with. One size does not fit all, because there are at least two people deciding how much to interact and how much personal information to share.
It’s the same thing at work. What brings people together is a task or project. Then colleagues choose how much interest to express in getting to know about where their coworkers are from, where they worked before, other places they’ve lived, hobbies, families, travel, and so on. And they each choose how much to tell. Despite a manager’s best intentions, a particular employee may not want to discuss anything personal. Even some managers have said they don’t want to disclose personal information.
Work relationships don’t need to be personal, but they do need to be congenial. Some managers have mentioned that they don’t want to listen to direct reports’ stories. But those few minutes of listening can be the bridge to employee commitment and enthusiasm about the work and the manager. Taking a little time to express interest, to show compassion when employees are sad or bereaved or ill, and to feel happiness for them when they celebrate a work achievement or personal feat can make life at the office more pleasurable and productive for everyone. Smiling, laughing, and using open body language show the manager is congenial. Setting a climate of courtesy and cooperation enables teams of coworkers to exchange their thoughts and ideas on common tasks. The better the relationships, the better the chance of collaborative results.
Relationships can make the difference in whether people want to come to work and in how willing they are to help others. A comfortable workplace invites people to be their authentic selves.
Importance of Relationships
Is there “fire” in the bellies of your coworkers? Is it passion for the work or is it sabotage? There are people who will “walk through fire” with and for us to get projects done if they like us. And, if they don’t, they might “throw fire at us” to defeat our objective. Think about someone you would do almost any work for. You want to help that person meet objectives and get them done well. Why? Chances are it’s because you value the relationship you share. Perhaps you want to preserve and enhance the association and the shared achievement.
For example, when my friend Marilyn and I were college students, we both worked part-time in Manhattan. We rode the train together into the city for work and also on many weekends just for fun. Rarely did we simultaneously have money for eating out. So, whoever had the money that day paid for the meal. We never tracked who spent what. There was no expectation of “you owe me something.” The pleasure of helping the other person and having a good time together was the only thought. The relationship superseded fairness, rules, and bookkeeping. We are still friends today.
You have known people on the job for whom you would “walk through fire” despite your own heavy workload and schedule. Perhaps it was taking on an extra project your boss needed done. Maybe you helped a peer who was wrestling with a tough problem. Or could it have been a direct report who needed an extra pair of hands for a crucial deadline? And you have had direct reports and peers and bosses who would work passionately to help you meet a work objective. Why? Sometimes people do the extraordinary for colleagues because it is the right thing to do or because it gets the job done. More times than not, however, it is because they value the relationship and enjoy the interaction of working together toward a goal.
On the other hand, there are some people in the workplace who are always too busy to help a coworker. They may have personal goals, but those objectives may not be aligned with the organization. These people may not buy in to mutual goals because of their nature, personal issues, organizational obstacles, the manager, or even an experience with a previous manager. Many just do their jobs at the minimum level. Other folks will even do what they can to actively sabotage the manager’s objectives. Maybe they wanted the management job. Maybe it is personal, and maybe it is just the way they behave at work. These employees are expressing fire, but not the passion of loving their jobs. The blistering behavior seems unlikely from people who have a good relationship with their boss.
There are many reasons people don’t have comfortable relationships with their managers. Sometimes it is that the manager doesn’t manage the relationship, and sometimes the employee prefers not to engage. Also, some workers are extremely competent technically but don’t have a natural aptitude or desire for interpersonal interactions.
Jack, a West Coast computer programmer, complained for years about management because, he said, “They don’t know anything about my work but want to interfere with my decisions every now and then.” Forthright, friendly communication was not part of Jack’s workplace. Jack worked alone and very successfully managed a major project that didn’t require much interaction with others. That’s the way he liked it. Dealing with others was difficult for him because, in his words, he felt technically and intellectually superior and because he was introverted. He didn’t have a relationship with his boss and he didn’t want one. Any involvement of the boss was seen as interference. It was easier for Jack to blame the boss than to develop a relationship. When computer systems changed, and continual communication with coworkers or users became a requirement, he chose the “early retirement package” instead of making the transition.
Jack exemplifies some who do not want relationships and exchanges with people; they just want to do the job and be left alone. Some other people are shy about communicating. Still others are willing to learn how to work with people, but they just don’t know how.
For example, a manager from Washington state regaled a class I was leading with the following comments: “I’m a geologist. I’m trained to work with rocks. Rocks don’t talk back! People do. I told my bosses if they wanted to make me a manager, they would have to send me to management training classes to teach me how to work with people. I still don’t know if I want to be promoted to manager because of the people issues.” This man was about to make a career decision, which he saw as binary: rocks or people.
Why do some people find it easier to learn the technical aspects of the job than to learn to develop relationships? Managers sometimes say that the work would be easy if it weren’t for the people. In many cases, as long as things go smoothly, working with others is fine. It’s when individuals disagree or believe there will be confrontation that many have difficulty.
Certain people embrace conflict as just another bump in the road. Some welcome debate so that ideas can be aired and innovation can flourish. But numerous managers fear disagreement will damage a relationship or the other person will attack them or aggressively ask questions that they are unable to answer. In one class, a seminar participant said that if conflict arose in meetings at her workplace, the CEO would cover his eyes with the palms of his hands and peek out through slits in-between his fingers. That’s pretty extreme body language from such a senior person, but there’s no right or wrong about the fact that some people flee rather than fight. It is reality. Adept managers frame statements in ways that do not generate conflict with coworkers. They also facilitate discussions with agility when inevitable conflicts arise. Managers need conflict radar to ensure that their employees feel free to express themselves and also feel emotionally safe. Are people really debating ideas or are they attacking each other as persons? It is in the best interest of the organization and the individuals who work there to be able to voice their ideas without being personally challenged. When the team critiques ideas against the goals instead of criticizing the person, new thoughts can flourish.
A solid working relationship can make the difference in whether a person wants to come to work or not. The relationship can color the willingness to help others. It can influence the readiness to work out misunderstandings and take mistakes in stride. Opinions and emotions about managers and coworkers vibrate strongly. Managers can take the initiative to nurture relationships and create a positive climate where employees are free to be themselves and voice their concerns without fear. When managers care about employees as human beings, they increase the possibility that employees will shape their strong emotions about work and the team into supportive excitement instead of actions that undermine the group’s success.
Surprises Cause Communication Problems
Some of us like surprise parties and some of us don’t. Most of us, however, do not like being surprised about work. Blindsiding direct reports, bosses, peer managers, and people in other departments can cause stress, frustration, and organizational workflow problems. Surprises can negatively affect relationships when employees’ schedules and work suddenly shift them into high-adrenaline mode. Employees want to know what management’s expectations are—both planned and as unexpected things happen. Minimizing surprises can help preserve relationships. But occasionally they happen, and any temporary relationship dents can be repaired as shown in two examples.
H. Pat Ritz, CEO of Footwear Specialties International of Portland, Oregon, says, “What frustrates people most on the job is not overwork. It’s when they are blindsided—when unexpected things happen. This can occur when the company is not clear about who is to do what. A systems breakdown can take place. Then everyone gets mad because they don’t know what to do. So they blame.”
For example, one Friday, shoes scheduled to be shipped were not shipped to customers. Pat, the CEO, asked the shipping department, “What happened?” and worked back through the chain. It turned out that several large orders were held by the credit department until 11:45 a.m. and then sent to the shipping department all at once. The shipping target might have been met if (1) the credit department had communicated to shipping that a high volume of orders was coming later that day, and (2) sales had alerted credit to the need to ship the orders that day.
Pat says, “Unfortunately you can’t rely on the workers to pass the information up—it’s management’s job to alert people as to when things will happen. Workers in this situation don’t have enough knowledge— they’re task oriented. Management is at a level where it can see enough to predict trends.”
“Work flows through your company like the tide,” Pat continues. “It ebbs and flows. As an order for shoes passes through the company it touches a lot of different spots. Management has to communicate all up and down the line what’s happening with the ebb and flow. If guys in the warehouse know there’s a surge in orders, they can mentally prepare for it. Stress accumulates if the orders pile up and then get dumped on them all at once.”
“I may need a new employee or a new procedure to deal with business,” Pat says. “The point is to deal with it and not wait and blindside people. The same thing applies to predicting trends like cash-flow problems, running out of shoes, and so on. It’s management’s job to look ahead and not surprise people. That creates confidence within the work-force that management knows what it is doing.”
Interdepartmental communication is a challenge in many industries—one department may not know how its action or inaction affects another department. The managers may incorrectly assume that other departments understand what they need and why. Even if they work on the same project, often groups do not know the impact of their team’s work on the company timeline. For example, in a creative company I worked with, Fred, the head of manufacturing, reluctantly attended the first of a series of mandatory leadership trainings. He was reluctant to spend time in training because his group had tight deadlines to meet.
Fred’s job was to get the product built and shipped on time so the product could be installed on-site at events with fixed dates. Manufacturing’s completion dates were set in concrete. So every time sales accepted a customer modification or the design group came up with a new idea, or engineering found a new and better way, what happened to Fred’s department’s schedule? His group experienced the crunch. They could not make paint dry any faster than paint will dry. Yet they were required to ship the product on schedule so it could be installed before the event opening date.
The first few times at the weekly training sessions, Fred expressed anger and frustration and others conveyed annoyance at his complaints and seemingly rigid adherence to policy, procedure, and process. I complimented Fred on his process and organization skills and urged him not to give up.
Throughout the interactive training, the different departments disclosed their challenges and why they worked the way they did. They learned to listen to each other and they developed relationships and trust. They understood and committed to common corporate goals instead of turf objectives. Fred became a cheerleader for the training. He leapt to the whiteboard to articulate ideas of benefit to everyone and explain how the process would assist everyone. Other leaders learned of his frustrations and what manufacturing needed in order to construct and ship products on time. They began to appreciate his strengths in process and scheduling and now viewed him as an asset. Communication and getting to know each other triggered enhanced cross-functional teamwork. They built relationships.
What dependencies do the departments share? In Fred’s case, he depended upon engineering’s final say in order to build the products. Within his own team, there were many dependencies. Painting could not be done until quality control had checked the constructed items. Fred’s own department scheduling was meticulous and even built in flexibility for delays. But the unintended blindsiding from other departments had, in the past, thrown his schedule into a tailspin and caused stress on his staff. This impacted his relationships with other managers and their direct reports. When all groups were cognizant of each other’s constraints and needs, surprises could be kept to a minimum and communication to a maximum.
Managers proficient in communication will drive relationship building with other groups or departments. They will initiate meetings with peer managers to discuss how each unit’s work interrelates and how to best work together toward common goals. Taking the initiative to understand peer managers’ goals and needs can contribute significantly to forming healthy work relationships. And relationships can help get things done.
Building and Preserving Relationships
The first step in developing and sustaining relationships at work is to decide that relationships are important in creating a productive and motivational environment. Once that value is in place, acknowledge that building relationships takes time and effort. What are some tips for forging work relationships? Let’s look at three ways that managers communicate their intent about working with people: (1) communicating with words, silence, availability, and absence; (2) spending quality time with direct reports; and (3) creating laughing moments to lighten the environment and let people save face.
Communicating with Words and Silence, Availability and Absence
Managers communicate continually, whether or not they intend to. Everyone knows we communicate with words. But what do we communicate with silence? It might be perceived as good listening and trust or caring about the person. Or, if a trusting relationship does not exist, staff might interpret silence as a lack of knowledge or concern, arrogance, anger, or even indifference toward the work or the person. It depends upon the context, but silence communicates something. It may not be the intended message, but employees will interpret the manager’s silence through their own points of view, based on their backgrounds, experiences, and the types of relationships they have with their manager.
If managers make themselves available, they communicate that the work is important and so is the person. Availability lends credibility to managerial statements that they want to help employees succeed and accomplish their goals. Many managers have told me, “I have an open-door policy, but nobody comes.” Showing availability might mean putting yourself physically in neutral territory, such as walking around, hanging around the coffeepot a few extra minutes, or eating in the employee lunchroom. An employee who is hesitant to breach the proverbial open door might feel more comfortable approaching you in a casual way “out in the open” rather than behind the “open door.”
If the manager is not available, again the employees interpret the absence through their own viewpoints. Such unavailability might convey trust that employees can handle the work on their own or, alternatively, be perceived as lack of involvement in the work, or it might spark other reactions similar to the responses to silence.
Spending Quality Time with Everyone
Some managers wonder how to be perceived as treating all staff fairly. One way is to spend quality time with everyone. As a manager, I used to have a weekly one-on-one meeting with each of my direct reports. These were scheduled on the same day at the same time each week so we all made the meeting a priority. We used the time to discuss progress on the project milestones, the employee’s future plans on the project, expectations, and any help he might need removing obstacles or obtaining resources. One consequence of these meetings was to build and sustain relationships. We each knew what to expect and how we could work better together toward the goals.
Spending quality time with staff does not mean you have to go to lunch or socialize after work. It means everyone gets the same treatment and support for the work at hand. You and they get continual opportunity to clarify expectations and to reduce surprises on the assignments. They get regular feedback on performance toward goals in a routine meeting and thus a better chance to perform well. You each get a chance to get to know each other better.
Encouraging Laughing Moments
Craig Amack, director and co-owner of BodyMAX Physical Therapy and Sports Training in Pleasanton, California, is an extraordinary communicator with patients and athletes. As an experienced physical therapist, Craig educates and encourages people throughout the healing process. He also creates a positive, humorous environment, which motivates patients and athletes to deliver their best efforts toward their goals. Once I reported to Craig something a friend had done that had annoyed me. Craig asked me, “Did you laugh?” “No,” I said. “I got angry.” “Oh,” Craig said. “That was a laughing moment.”
Craig and his wife, Dana, co-owner of BodyMAX, are the parents of five children, usually have one or two foster children with them, and own a thriving physical therapy business in two locations and an athletic training facility. As busy as Craig is, he laughs his way through his days at work with his patients and staff. You can hear him through the walls, and his laughter is infectious. After Craig taught me about laughing moments, I got to thinking of the wisdom of his message. It would be fantastic if people laughed more at work in good times and especially in tough times. Many of us have read that laughter is physically and emotionally good for us. So why not laugh?
Can we recognize laughing moments when we see them? Do we look for them? Can we laugh through problems? Sometimes when driving, another driver makes a mistake. If I laugh, they laugh too. I’ve also appreciated when I’ve made mistakes driving and the other driver laughs along with me as I shake my head or motion with my hand over my head that I know I’m in the wrong.
If it’s not a safety issue, project crisis, or a major error, mistakes can be laughing moments instead of times to get hot under the collar. Most of us would rather be around a humorous person than an angry one. Emotion can be contagious and we’d rather catch laughing and happiness. If we create “laughing moments” in which we lighten up the unexpected or even mistakes, we can help people save face and realize that mistakes can contribute to learning. Laughter creates a more relaxed, pleasurable environment in which to work. It can also endear us to employees and help them use their passion to support the objectives, their managers, and their teammates. People who laugh together have more fun and a good shot at building a strong, trusting work relationship.
On an August flight to Orlando, our plane hit extensive turbulence on our descent. I clutched the armrests. I furrowed my brows. I breathed in deeply. Then I heard loud laughter throughout the plane. How we were viewing the turbulence varied. Most people saw it as a laughing moment—much to my surprise. Now let’s look at context. My frame of reference was desire for a safe landing so I could get to a family funeral. The many kids on the plane were probably on their way to Orlando theme parks and looking forward to the attractions. Riding the clouds like a bucking bronco was a laughing moment for them. I laughed aloud as I thought, “Why not?”
Enjoying Personal Relationships at Work
Even without out-loud laughing, a more personal and close relationship between workers helps create a more pleasant and effective working environment. For example, while eating dinner at a restaurant in Jupiter, Florida, I noticed our waiter seemed to enjoy his work. When I asked him about it, he said the current owners had bought the restaurant and kept on the staff. He said, “I like being with the people I worked with before. It’s not just a job. We have worked together as a team for a long time.”
A Florida banker who had moved from Connecticut said, “In the Northeast people have more family around. But in Florida, people hang out more with people they work with.” This was also the case when I first moved to California. Many of us were transplants and wanted to make friends. The manager was our friend, too. The entire group, even those who had been with the organization thirty years, enjoyed socializing at lunch and parties. This led to workplace cooperation, fun helping each other, and a comfortable working environment. When it came to teamwork, we were there for each other.
When You Don’t Like Someone
It is highly likely that you will need to develop a working relationship with someone with whom you feel uncomfortable. A manager must assign work, follow up on performance, and give feedback every day. How can you deal with someone you would rather avoid?
Once, during a ten-week supervisory certificate program I was leading, it became apparent that one participant did not like one of her direct reports. Nicole complained every week about Matt’s shortcomings. Each week there was new “data” to substantiate why he wasn’t a good employee. However, much of it was not factual. It was primarily judging and opinion.
One week, after she blamed Matt for his latest transgression, I asked in a neutral tone, “Do you like him?”
“Of course I like him,” she said, as the rest of the participants shook their heads left to right. Some turned to her and said, “No, you don’t.”
“I do like him,” she said.
“Does he think you like him?” I asked.
“Of course he does,” she said. “He knows I like him.” Again the class disagreed with her.
“Your other employees know you don’t like Matt too,” one participant added.
We had developed trust in the group so people gave and heard feedback quite well. Nicole was surprised but eager to hear why the class gave that feedback. So we held a discussion of what happens when employees sense you don’t like them or are judging them in a negative light. It is hard for them to escape the judgment and be seen as performing well. They may feel unconfident and uncomfortable coming to work. They may avoid tasks in which they might make a mistake. They might even avoid the manager, which makes the relationship impossible to repair.
Nicole had never stopped to think about whether she liked Matt or not. She had just gotten into a habit of looking for the negative and blaming him for it. And she hadn’t thought about the effect her constant faultfinding with Matt had on the rest of the team. Fortunately, the training participant group had built a good team relationship with lots of trust and she knew we were trying to help her. Not liking people is only human. But as managers, it’s not how we feel, but how we act that matters. We turned the class conversation to what we can do when we don’t like someone. I recommended that Nicole follow six steps. She tried it and she changed her behavior toward Matt over the next week and reported positive stories about him in our next training sessions. If there’s someone you don’t like, or feel uncomfortable around, try the six steps.
What to Do When You Don’t Like Someone
1. Hunt for the positive. Find one thing good about the person. Maybe he has technical expertise in one area of the job. Or he gets along well with a coworker. Or he always meets deadlines. Or he asks provocative questions that can save the company problems later on.
2. Concentrate on this one positive thing until you accept this positive trait or behavior. This might take a day, a few days, or even a week.
3. Compliment the person on something job-related that he is doing well and specify why it is important.
4. Once you’ve accepted one good characteristic, pick another positive trait or behavior and focus on that. Don’t allow previous bias or preconceived notions to interfere.
5. Have coffee or lunch with him and seek to understand him as a person.
6. During weekly checkpoint meetings, ask for his opinion on the work and listen to what he says. Paraphrase and clarify. Think about what the opinion offers rather than rejecting it.
Try these steps for three to four weeks and see if it works for you. That’s about how long it takes to ingrain a new habit. If you truly intend to develop a better relationship with the person, you will change your habit from seeking negative information to seeking positive work behavior and results.
Following these steps can enable a manager to act fairly toward everyone by viewing the job performance objectively and without bias. It usually improves the relationship with the direct report and, by the ripple effect, with others on the team. When there is trouble between an employee and the manager, the whole team experiences discomfort and stress. They look to the manager to fix the problem, not instigate it.
Summary
This chapter has introduced the importance of building and sustaining healthy working relationships with all staff members. Relationships help drive the work because of the commitment and enjoyment associated with good relationships. Strong work relationships invite trust, open communications, and positive interpersonal interactions.
The next chapter targets crystal clear expectations. When employees know what to expect, they can deliver. Thus trust grows, and so do relationships.